Blog Move

We have JUST moved ISPs. Some things are still a bit goofy, but we will get everything back in the next few days. If you click on a link and it’s broken, the most likely culprit is the /gettingpastyourpast in the URL – just take that out and it should work. Continue reading

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Support Group

Thank you for stopping by. If you are reading the book and found your way here, we have moved the commenting section of the blog to a CLOSED Facebook support group which is a strong, tightly-knit support group.  New posts will appear here regularly, but to join in discussion or just read from like-minded people, join the FB group.
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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 7

Mean Lady Talking PodcastWelcome to the

Mean Lady Talking Podcast.

This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss. The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player that shows all episodes, go HERE

 


Email me at: meanladytalkingpodcast@gmail.com or

meanladytalkingpodcast@gettingpastyourbreakup.com

Follow the podcast on Twitter @meanpodcast

Like the MLT Facebook page HERE

Feel free to leave a comment on this post or above on the Episodes page

Episode 7 Show Notes

What’s in this podcast:

This podcast is about recreating the struggles of the past and how – even if they are SIDE BY SIDE – you can miss the similarities when you are dysfunctional and not trained in how to recognize it.  So this is about how we screw ourselves right into the ground by picking partners like our early caregivers so that we can recreate the struggles of the past so that we can win this time around.  ONLY we don’t. ..we lose once again, because the only way to win is not to play the game.  When we go through a breakup, one of the OPPORTUNITIES we get is to realize what we’ve been doing and resolve it within US and not recreate it within relationships with others.  When we take responsibility for our own wounds and heal them via the Relationship and Life Inventories, we heal and become healthy and have healthier relationships.

Show notes and times on the following page:

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Podcast Release

I have been making podcasts for the past few weeks. I’m posting them so that I can put the ones already recorded up on the server. I will begin releasing on Tuesdays and Fridays ONLY once I get all these up.  Right now I have between 10-12 – haven’t listened to the ones left yet…don’t know if they will all make it up.

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 6

podcast

Welcome to the Mean Lady Talking Podcast

This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss. The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott


Follow me on Twitter @meanpodcast

Like the MLT Facebook page HERE

The Google Voice Number for the Mean Lady Podcast is (860) 880-1660

Please call and leave a message with a question or problem and we will play it on the air

or

we can Zoom or Skype – email me if you prefer that option

To send mail to set up a call or with your questions, go HERE

 


The Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 6 Show Notes Continue reading

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When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You

breakupIt Doesn’t Matter, It Doesn’t Matter, It Doesn’t Matter Because It’s Time to Reject the Rejecter

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed. Copyright 2006-2018

Author, “Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You” (Da Capo 2009)

Author, “Getting Back Out There: Tips for Successful Dating and Finding Real Love After the Big Breakup” (Da Capo 2015)

Author, “Getting Past Your Past: The Definitive Workbook for Healing, Health and Happiness” (La Bella Vita Publishing 2013)

(to see the video of this post go HERE)

(to join our CLOSED Facebook breakup group go HERE)

This post is the most popular on the blog and has been for over 10 years. It is one of the posts that made the original blog, back in 2006, go “viral”Every now and again I move it up so new people can find it although it’s been ripped off by others many times over the years.  



It’s hard but it happens.

And it hurts.

You love someone who may have loved you once upon a time.

Or

You love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return,

but now there’s not.

Or

You love someone who simply doesn’t feel the same way

and isn’t going to feel the same way.

Ever.

Or

You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love.

Or

This person loved you and you loved them but then someone new came along and they left. Friends tell you that you are better than this new person in every way.

But your ex is still with Mr. or Ms. New Thing.

Whatever the situation, you’re left with excruciating pain.
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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 5

 

Welcome to the

Mean Lady Talking Podcast

This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss. The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott


Embedded Player is Below the Show Notes


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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 4



Follow me on Twitter @meanpodcast

Like the MLT Facebook page HERE


The Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 4 Show Notes Continue reading

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 3 Show Notes

 


Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 3 Show Notes

First of all –
My apologies for the quality of the audio. My recording software actually switched from my professional microphone to the laptop microphone….see the difference? My apologies. It was in distribution before I realized what happened. It almost happened again after this but now I check it. LEARNING!

Second of all, sorry for some of the moving around noise on the podcast. I normally don’t record videos or audio during the day because of landscapers and neighbors with dogs (if you’ve seen some of my videos, you’ve heard some of this)…I had appointments all night so I did the podcast during the day and when I would hear those dopey landscapers rev up or a barking dog, I would try to move away from the noise as best I could…so sorry for the moving around noises a few places on the podcast!

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 2 Show Notes

Welcome to the Mean Lady Talking Podcast

 

Show Notes Episode 2:

In these first episodes we’ll be talking about what the podcast is going to be about.  Future episodes will not be as explanatory…but…feel free to email your questions and situations.

In this second episode: Continue reading

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 1 Show Notes

podcastWelcome to the

Mean Lady Talking Podcast.

This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss. The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott.

 

 


What’s in this podcast: Continue reading

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Journey From Abuse

abuseOn this Mother’s Day, I am reminded that I left my abuser when the abuse started to be doled out to my children.  I had no job and no place to go and that is typically when the cheating and abuse would escalate in the past. However, I left but I never tried to interfere with my children’s relationship with their father. Their father managed to do that all on his own. I am proud of the way that I, a person who was abandoned by my birth mother and abused by my adoptive mother, managed to figure out how to raise my children without abandoning them or abusing them. I don’t know how I did it, but I did it. It wasn’t easy but I worked my tail off for my children and ONLY for my children, so that the legacy of abuse in my families – both in my biological and adoptive families – would stop with me. And it did. And if I’ve done nothing else in my life – parenting my children – with little or no guidance from anyone except a therapist and some books – was something I did right.

Whether they know it or not, whether they appreciate how hard it was or not, I know – in my heart of hearts, I did the right thing by them when they were children. I had nothing and I knew nothing but I worked my butt off to figure it out – for them.  And I left my abuser when the abuse trickled to them….that night – which I recount below – was the very worst of my life. And I had to make a decision…stay in this hell and resign me and the children and my pets to this…or get the hell out and figure it the hell out.  Somehow, someway.  And the best thing I can say I ever did was work it out so that my kids never had to stand on the precipice of a crumbling life with no job and no money and no place to go and try to figure all that out with 3 little kids to worry about. They NEVER have to experience the sheer and utter terror I felt the night I left with them in tow.  But I knew that I had to leave or they were going to get much more hurt than they would be if the four of us just figured it out together.  I can sleep at night knowing they never have to feel the way I felt that night. I did something right.
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Grief is A Spiral: Recycle Happens

grieGrief is a spiral. But am I going up or coming down?” ~ C.S. Lewis

I talk about recycling in GBOT because dating often triggers recycling, but so does an anniversary date, the ex’s birthday, moving into your own place, going on a trip you were supposed to go on together etc etc etc. Many things can trigger recycling.  Recycling often happens after we’ve been thinking we’re starting to get over it. It can feel very upsetting to be back “there” once again.

There is a standard body of grief and loss literature but it’s still evolving. Still, I’ve read most of it over the past 20 years or so. I’ve written countless papers and 3 college theses on grief.

One thing that researchers do agree on is that grief is a process and it can vary wildly from person to person depending on the person, the loss, the type of loss, the person’s history with grieving (or not) and environmental and social factors.
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Journey From Abuse

This is my story of leaving an abuser.  On this Mother’s Day, I am reminded that I left my abuser when the abuse started to be doled out to my children.  I had no job and no place to go and that is typically when the cheating and abuse would escalate in the past. However, I left but I never tried to interfere with my children’s relationship with their father. Their father managed to do that all on his own.

In the Facebook group, We are currently talking about new state statutes that presume equal parenting time in divorce.  It is becoming law in Kentucky and some are upset about it.  I have written so much on the failure of the court systems where “less than optimal” families (i.e. high conflict) families are concerned.  I am writing on how courts are failing on the “parental alienation” issue and how non-victims are hijacking the statutes designed to protect victims and how non-victims are involving CPS unnecessarily.

I am writing about my own experience of trying – desperately – to convince my ex to spend ALONE time with his boys and was turned down every time.  I am writing about it is important for both parents to have a relationship with their kids but you have to show your kids they are a PRIORITY and this is something my ex failed to do. I argued with my ex.  I pleaded with my ex. I invited him, his wife and her kids TO MY HOUSE to get them to see my son in a play – for ONCE – and they never showed.  I swallowed my pride again and again trying to advocate for my kids and he wouldn’t hear of it. There are so many factors in each family and no law is going to satisfy every situation.

Shared parenting works under only the best condition. My kids would not have wanted to be at their father’s half the time and compete with their step siblings and be exposed to their step mother (for whom they had little respect).  I will be writing on all these topics so please email me with your experience and how “shared parenting” would affect you, especially if you were divorcing right now. For now, this is my story of leaving abuse:


Usually in February, I do some kind of hat tip to my journey. It started in February. I forgot to do that this year (internet stalkers and all). So I’m going to post this version of this post that I rarely run. It’s very graphic, violent and I pulled it down years ago trying to be sensitive to my ex when he was sick. I have told the stoy many times with less detail. The retelling of the entire spectacle is not to upset or embarrass anyone. It’s to help people who are struggling. So this is the “full version” post that I wrote in February 2007 on my 20th anniversary of my escape…when the blog was about 3 months old and had few hundred readers and no book was even a remote thought in my brain. I rarely run it and will probably pull it in a few days, so read while the reading is good.

This is the long version in its original 2/10/07 form.

If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.– Anonymous

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.
February 7, 2007

On February 10, 1987 my life fell completely apart. I had separated from my husband on February 1st and February 9th was our wedding anniversary. Although he was unfaithful, controlling and abusive, after our separation I could not deal with the void that rushed in, the pain that engulfed me and the horrible feeling of abandonment. Continue reading

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Standards and Compatibility

You get what you put up with.

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

Many of my Getting Past Your Breakup (“GPYB”) readers think that my second book, Getting Back Out There (“GBOT”) is for when you are getting ready to date again. Not so! Many people are leaving less than stellar relationships and yet pining for the person who treated them poorly or was a subpar human being overall (yes, I know that’s harsh but many of the stories I’ve heard are also harsh).

Once you get out you have to think back on what wasn’t good, what hurt you, and decide that you will never again put up with this treatment. You must have faith in yourself that it’s okay to have standards and insist upon compatibility and someone who respects your boundaries, and it’s okay to leave if your mate does not respect those boundaries or live up to those standards.
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Savoring 101

girl texting accidentWhen I commuted to work whether just on a subway from the Upper West Side of Manhattan or the grueling, hellish commute from Orange County New York to Manhattan, I read a lot of magazines. I remember that one that caught my eye that was about the secret to happiness.

It had, as you might have guessed, something about being IN THE MOMENT. This is a drum I beat ALL THE TIME and people say, “Yes I know…” but it’s half hearted. The article said that both scientific research and clichés had it right. Those who take time to savor the moment, no matter what they are doing, are the happiest people. I already know this, having practiced having my head where my feet are, for 25 years. It is not just when things are good, but that is the BEST time to do it, but even when things are not going so well…you sit and listen to yourself, to your thoughts, you feel your feelings even when sad or angry…that is how you recover. If you are always trying to get out of how you feel…you can’t go through the process…you NEED to go through it…the only way OUT is through.

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