Welcome to the GPYP/GPYB Blog!
Welcome to V4 of the GPYP/GPYB blog!
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Women’s Relationship Recovery Weekend ~ Last Call
Hi all,
I have to sign the hotel contracts today with Andaz Wall Street. I’ve worked as hard as I can to get some flexibility out of the hotel (I was supposed to sign weeks ago but today is the absolute last day) and negotiate some lower rates (which has not been easy and I haven’t gotten that much of a discount but have managed to get some). I’ve worked hard to push out the deadline because many have asked me to allow them time to get time off from work or money together or travel arrangements, but I must give them a definite count by the end of today and I am not around at all tomorrow so I have to know by today. I have several people who have asked me for flexibility and then not gotten back to me. Not to be preachy, but honestly, a healthy life is about taking responsibility. If you ask someone for some kind of consideration and they say okay, you should AT LEAST get back to them as to whether or not you can do what you’ve asked.
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Why Do You Desperately Want A Mate?
Good relationships are born of positions of strength in both partners. It’s not a power struggle, it’s not a hunger to be filled. It’s a fabulous addition to an already pretty cool life. It makes life better and enlarges your choices and your life. It helps you sit back and concentrate on what you want from this one, precious (and very short) life you have. A good relationship makes working easier, parenting better, family time richer and gives you the time and space to work on things and be involved with things that make you you (separate and apart from your family and partner). That is what a good relationship and a loving partner does for you.
The Passive Aggressive Personality
Repost:Passive Aggressive Personalities
The term “passive aggressive” originated in World War II to describe soldiers who passively avoided work or combat by procrastinating, pretending not to know what to do or which way to go, lagging behind and purposely screwing things up. They were originally labeled “stubborn malcontents.” B
ecause you can’t willfully and assertively refuse to do something in the military, its necessary to find other ways to get out of something: i.e. being aggressive in a very passive way. Passive aggressiveness is a way of resisting demands of others without actually confronting that person or the anger at the person with the demands.
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Winter Bootcamp
I changed the dates of the bootcamp to start the week after the seminar weekend. I think it’s more fair to participants in both the bootcamp and the seminar. So if you have been thinking of signing up or have signed up, these are the new dates.
http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/gpyb-holiday-bootcamp/
Deciding
This sentiment reminds me of that old joke where relentless rains from a hurricane start to flood a town. It becomes evident that it is necessary to evacuate the residents. The police go door to door telling people to leave. 
“All my friends are telling me it’s over, he’s not coming back, but I’m waiting for a sign from God that it’s really over.”
You’re Not Who I Thought You Were
After my first few post-divorce breakups, I started to tell people that “anyone is capable of anything at any time.” It’s not that anyone will DO anything at any time, but they are certainly capable of it. It takes the surprise out of the equation when loving person X suddenly turns into Lastest-In-A-Long-Series-of-Mistakes X.
1/16 Check in Thread
Since the check-in threads seem to have issues displaying after 100 I’m starting a new one but feel free to cut and paste your last entries if you want to, especially if you are new to the blog.
How is everyone doing???
Self-Delusion
I gave her the book “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them” by Susan Forward for her to see exactly how horrible this man was. Men like him figured prominently on almost every page. Somewhere in the book Dr. Forward talked about one misogynist who got help, went into intense therapy, and reconciled with his wife. My friend chose THIS little nugget to focus on like a laser beam. She conveniently ignored the other 200 plus pages that said that men like her lover were hopeless and things would only get worse.
I once had a friend in a very abusive relationship with a narcissistic jerk.
Four Basic Needs
A long-time reader asked for this post to be re-run:
I used to start a lot of sentences with “I need….” and most of them ended with “I need THAT person to stop doing that TO ME.”
A wise person said to me: There are only FOUR PSYCHOLOGICAL NEEDS.
Four? It seemed like I needed everything and got nothing. FOUR? I could do four. What were the four?
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Women’s Weekend Feb. 10-12 New York City
The venue I’m working with is willing to be a bit flexible on the numbers so if you want to come, please let me know or just sign up. The group that has registered is INCREDIBLE and everyone will meet new and wonderful people to support you and be there for you. I can’t wait to meet you all. Thanks!
Information and Registration is on this page:
http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/womens-relationship-recovery-weekend/
UPDATE 1/14: If you need more hotel recommendations, please let me know. For those who asked, yes you can walk to the 9/11 Memorial and the new One World Trade Center from the venue site. If you need more information about the area, please let me know either here (in comments) or email me.
1/12/12 Check-in Thread
Since we’re almost to 100 commments on the other thread, I’ve opened the new one. How is everyone doing?
New Beginnings
“Your ultimate goal in life is to become your best self. Your immediate goal is to get on the path that will put you there.” – David Viscott
As we talked about in the New Year’s post, a New Year’s resolution stated once, and soon forgotten about, amounts to nothing more than a wish. Many times the resolutions are gone by February. So the new “do over” time becomes Monday. Sometimes, for some people, it’s EVERY Monday because they lost their resolve the previous Wednesday and the Wednesday before that and the Wednesday before that. And that Monday to Wednesday ping-pong becomes their “normal.” And no matter how many times they do the Monday morning diet, they do the Wednesday afternoon snack attack. And then they think, “Well, I’ll start again on Monday.” As if, by some miracle, it will be different this time.
Are you guilty of this? If so, how can you break this cycle of broken promises to yourself? Well there are a few keys to breaking the cycle…..
Crisis or Second Chance?
When written in Chinese the word crisis is composed of two characters. One represents danger, and the other represents opportunity. ~ John F. Kennedy
Most people intuitively flail at crisis and upset. We don’t like it. We don’t want it. It’s upsetting and crazymaking. We dive for cover and hope it will go away or we act out in very destructive ways that might not even seem destructive to us at the time. We bob and weave and cover our heads lest crisis strike a fatal blow. We don’t want to deal with it. We think it is bigger and badder and more powerful than us (but it’s not). We hate it but we can’t seem to make it go away.
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Recent Posts: Click on Title to Read Post
Mail. We Get Mail on Good Decisions
I often rerun old “we get mail” posts when I get a similar email especially if it’s something that really hits home and can be applicable to others. The gist of this post is that how people respond to slowing down or issues in the relationship says more about them than being all hearts and flowery. Many times we fall in love with the hearts and flowers person because that’s EASY and give them way too many free passes when they act like bananaheads when things get tough. So this post is for someone who recently wrote me about a similar situation. But I think a lot of people will get a lot out of it.
Dear Susan,
I’m finding it almost impossible to face the reality of my situation and move past my past! I was engaged to a man and agreed to marry him after 6 months of knowing him. Subsequently after agreeing to marry him i found several things i could not agree with about him though it did not change the fact that i loved him. You can love someone even though you dont like some things about them. Anyhow, i started having my doubts about whether we were compatible or not and in expressing them i delayed the wedding date. Eventually he decided for the both of us and said he didn’t think it would work out and he immedialty went back to his EX!
Rejection
Other adults thought I was cute and smart and well-behaved. So why didn’t she want me? As a five year old I had to wonder what intrinsic, fatal flaw did I have that rendered me repulsive to my own mother? [Read More...]
My earliest memory is realizing that the family I lived with wasn’t “my” family and that my biological mother had placed me there, visiting very seldom. When she did visit me, either there or at the offices of the Catholic Charities in Manhattan, she was cold, distant and not very interested in me.
Difficulty As A Catalyst to Change
I have rarely grown or changed in my life without difficulty being the catalyst. If there is no difficulty and no pain, I very rarely wake up and think “What can I do to change my life?” instead I wake up and read the paper. While it is certainly enjoyable to have so little cares that I can get up and read the paper, it has not always been that way. In fact most of my life was full of strife and tumoil and emotional pain. [Read More...]
In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity – Albert Einstein
Choices
Several years ago someone who was in trouble for following his base instincts said to me, “I can’t help it, that is just the way I am….” and I said, “Oh you can help it…you’re choosing not to help it.” This person was somewhat perplexed and more than a little insulted that I took that view. “Easy for you to say,” he said, “You don’t want to drink or smoke or want anyone other than your husband. You’re damn near perfect all of the time.” WHOA. WRONG. Does it come off that way? Because that is NOT, NOT how it is. [Read More...]
My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man’s doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. ~ Elaine Maxwell
Rituals, Smudging, and Clearing the Air
In the book I talk about doing a “ritual” with the letter that you write at the end of your Relationship Inventory. In workshops we do a ritual.
In many posts on here I talk about the benefits of relaxation and meditation. Many have stated that they don’t know how so I have included products in the GPYB Amazon aStore that teaches meditation and relaxation.
When I first started to explore these ideas, I was a skeptic..extremely and incredibly skeptical. I chalked all this up to some peace-love-kaftan-Birkenstock-patchouli-granola-treehugging-lala-land mentality. The type of mentality a kid from the streets does not have and judges as weak. You can get killed on the streets of the Bronx if you are all incense and peppermint.
But as I explored relaxation and meditation, I noticed that it had an incredibly calming effect on me. I learned about ritual when I became a grief counselor as every single program I studied or teacher I studied with recommended it as a way of saying goodbye.
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Wherever You Go Redux
Many people are in full retreat of themselves or are trying to run from one thing to another thing to avoid everything, especially who they are or who they have been. They will try new relationships, new friendships, new jobs, new clothes, new diets, new makeup, new cars, new hobbies, new this and that. They will be forever changing everything to avoid looking at themselves and the things that are wrong. Some people will move to a new place, hoping to start fresh….to make it right this time. But, the only thing that has changed is the zipcode.
No matter where you go, there you are. ~ Confucius
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Ask the Right Questions = Do The Right Thing
I once received an email from a person who had decided to be friends with her ex in the hopes of him getting over “whatever it is” (her words, not mine) to resume their relationship. He came over and talked about new women he was seeing and sometimes they slept together (her and her ex).
Her question was: why does he talk about these other women to me?
Good People Are Not Doormats Redux
Based on comments, this needs a rerun.
I have said over and over again that healthy boundaries are the key to good relationships. Yet I keep hearing people say “I’m a good person who was good to him or her and he or she treated me like crap.”
Well good people are not doormats. Being a doormat doesn’t make you a good person. It makes you a stupid person. Take it from one who has been there.
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Real Love or Not?
Many people want to be in relationships without really having a clue what it is all about. It’s akin to getting married, having babies or even getting a dog. [Read More...]
My God, these folks don’t know how to love – that’s why they love so easily. – David Herbert (D.H.) Lawrence
Going Downhill. Fast.
I was raised in the Bronx where, last I checked, skiing was not a street game. So I actually reached adulthood without ever having skiied or even knowing the first thing about it.
When I was in my late 20s I worked at a job where people went skiing in Vermont and New Hampshire. The first time they invited me I was about 28 and said okay. The ONLY thing I knew about skiing was that there were jokes about broken legs. I assumed the way to avoid a broken leg was to stay upright.
Decide to Move On. Or Not.
Each of us has the power to decide whether or a hurt, a loss, a change in circumstance is going to keep us down. It comes down to CHOICE. It is normal and healthy to feel horrible after a loss or an unexpected and unwelcome change. The beginning stages involves crying, being angry, feeling depressed, unenergetic, hazy, forgetful, etc. Those are normal and natural responses to a loss. [Read More...]
Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power. -Blaine Lee
Where the Lack of Standards and Boundaries Leads You
Lately it seems as if I have been talking to people, counseling people and hearing a lot of stories where there were no standards and boundaries in the beginning, people just latched onto other people (for various reasons) and dismissed big red flags because they were “in love.”
They wind up moving in, sometimes having children, sometimes marrying, despite the fact that this person has these glaring issues that you are choosing to ignore. One person told me, just yesterday, “But I love him.” SO WHAT? I’ve had gold fish that I love but if it was coming home at night drunk and disorderly, I would flush it down the bowl.
The feeling of love is besides the point. People break up everyday with people they love. Because the person or the situation is no good for them any longer. There are BHs who break up for the wrong reasons, but there are people who break up for the right reasons…I love you but I can’t live like this any more. There are people who stay together “for the children” which says “I love my children enough to keep them living in misery with this miserable person.” Well, good for you. Parent. Of. The. Year.
Love is an action. It’s not a thumping in your chest or a warmth in your crotch. It’s how you ACT. It’s how another acts toward you. It’s not about hormones and pheremones. It’s about ACTION. How does one act? In his or her life? With his or her people? HOW DO THEY ACT? If they act like an imbecile or an irresponsible moron or a jerk, chances are you’re going to be on the end of that act sooner rather than later.
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Take Back Your Power
People who thought they knew best drove me crazy when I was trying to be a victimized-know nothing-powerless-whiny-whining pants. They kept making it sound like I had some CONTROL over what happened to me. How annoying.
Learning What You Need To Know
“I am always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.” – Winston Churchill
When I first started my journey toward wholeness, I spent a lot of time wishing that someone would feel sorry for me, take pity on me, see that I had been through a lot.
My first therapist did not feel sorry for me but told me what I needed to hear. My support group could be brutally honest as well.
One dear friend told me if I was looking for sympathy I would find it “in the dictionary between shit and syphillis.” Harsh words but ones that helped me to realize that there was no prize in getting sympathy. There was only a prize in hearing the truth about me. And if the truth is told with love and caring, it is a great truth indeed. Some of the greatest truths are harsh to hear.
Check in Posts
Check-in Threads
Every two weeks or so we will have a check in thread. Feel free to post anything in here and let us know how you’re doing.
Classics
What is “splitting” and why is it harmful to your recovery from a breakup? In short, it means mentally and emotionally splitting the good from the bad.
Guest Posts
Inspiring posts from our readers over the years! Guest posts are always welcome. Submit your own!
Our Community
Introductions
We have an incredible community here. So, to let newcomers know they are not alone, please introduce yourself here.
Requested Reposts
Platitudes, Saying, Expressions
Look here for our “can’t go wrong” expressions.
From Our Readers