7/3 Check-in Thread

Green Check MarkHow is everyone doing?

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Independence Day NC Chips

We have not done NC chips in a LONG time but there are many people who are struggling BUT succeeding at NC so I want you to come and get your chip!!!!

Also, it is Independence Day weekend in the U.S. and let’s celebrate your independence from contact and the BH.

How it works is you report your NC time in comments and it’s good to share how you are doing it and also what you are going to do to reward yourself.

It has been a long time since we did NC Chips and there is a lot about NC in the recent threads so I think it’s time for one. For those of you who are new, this post explains the hows, whys and wherefores of NC chips.

Please share your success and your struggles here. –
If you’re struggling, please feel safe enough to talk about it here so you can get great tips and pointers!

TIME FOR NC CHIPS! Come and get yours!

Many of our regular readers/writers may be getting ready to go on summer holiday or hiatus, but sharing NC stories and time is important. If you’re struggling with it, it’s important and if you’re succeeding with it, it’s important.

We have a lot of new readers and readers struggling with NC so please share your NC success and the benefits of the NC world. If you’re struggling, feel free to share here and ask for support. If you’re not counting time any more, please share that too! When did you stop needing to know “how long it’s been.”

Thanks all and congrats to those picking up chips.

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Deciding to Move On…Or Not

Stop Making Excuses ConceptWhen one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. ~ Helen Keller

Who doesn’t “get over” it? There are many types, and I invite you to leave other types in comments (or ask about other types in comments and I’ll respond with a post) but two that I’d like to talk about now:

The first type is the person who refuses to acknowledge that they had a loss or refuses to do any work that they need to do on themselves. They repress all the hurt and anger and go on to repeat the same mistakes over and over again with the same type of people. They might do some emoting in the beginning but they either go on as if nothing happened or stay stuck in a surface malaise. Nothing is really bad but nothing is really good either. They are maintaining and life is not about maintaining. Life is about living. Continue reading

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More From the Mail Vault: When We Do Everything Wrong

JealousyMy boyfriend and I broke up in April and shortly after we broke up he starting dating this girl. As it turns out, they turned into ‘just friends’, well more like she wanted a relationship with him, and he kind of dangled it in front of her face to keep her hanging around. This girl and her family caused me huge amounts of pain knowing I was checking their page (I know I shouldn’t have been) and writing vicious things to hurt me with. Since April my Ex has tried to have constant contact with me. Every time I let him into my life, I assumed he got rid of this girl and he did not. Last time he contacted me was May 29th and I realized he was still playing game with this other girl, while talking to me, so I told him to leave me alone for good.
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6/17 Check In Thread

Green Check MarkHow is everyone doing?

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Judge Show Humiliation

HiRes[1]I was watching a judge show and a woman was suing her ex boyfriend for money she loaned him (take a page out of GBOT and NEVER NEVER NEVER lend someone money that you are in a relationship with unless you plan to never see it again.)

He plays this voice mail from her and I was CRINGING Over this. How little self-esteem does this woman have? I’ve been low on self-esteem and begged my idiot husband to come back (the last time I engaged in self humiliation and that was February in 1987), but this is a boyfriend. I have to be honest that I’ve never begged a boyfriend no matter how crazy I was at the time. If you have less self-respect and self-esteem than I did before I developed some, that is about the bottom of the barrel. If you’ve humiliated yourself in ways that even at my sickest, I wouldn’t, that is almost inconceivable to me.

This is truly frightening:

“I swear to god I’m not trying to stalk you, I just want to know about tonight…so I don’t lose a lot of money on this hotel room. Cause I’m kind of strapped for cash right now with my car situation. I’m not going to stalk you, I’m going to leave you alone, I understand I disappointed you, I understand all that. I’m pretty sure you hate me at this point. But…I…I…seriously do just want to make you happy. I’m up for tonight if you are, I will do whatever you want, and make you happy and proud. And I swear to god…upon my grandmnother’s grave, I will not disappoint you any further. But I know I don’t deserve it, you don’t owe me anything, but I would truly appreciate a phone call back if tonight’s happening or not because I could really use the money back if we’re not gonna utilize the hotel room.”

I don’t even know where to begin. The groveling…the lack of self-esteem, lack of self-respect…humiliation…ARGH. She put this hotel room…romance rendezvous with someone who is so deplorable and says they are “disappointed” in her. If someone said they were disappointed in me, I wouldn’t be spending money on them when I’m strapped (or any other time) or spending any time with them…it would be too bad, so sad for you.
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Filling The Void With Everything But Self-Love


I remember walking around New York City as a child and as a teenager and feeling melancholy. I looked for my birth brother even though I had no idea what he would look like since the last time I saw him. I always felt wistful and many times filled with sorrow. I would walk around and think and feel and not even sure what I felt like or what to do with the pieces of me that felt missing. I didn’t feel that my adoptive family really accepted me and I knew my biological mother didn’t want me. I was wading in emotions that I had no idea what to do with…or even what they are.

I looked to boyfriends, to friends, to drugs and alcohol, to fix me…make me better. When I got older and was in a destructive relationship where I was sure I was the problem, I wanted to have a baby, then another baby and another. Maybe we should buy a car…another car…a new car…a house…another house…a rental house…a dog…a cat…another cat…another dog.

Maybe his grandmother should move with us…or his brother…or my mother.

Maybe we should move to Connecticut…we moved to Connecticut…no, Rhode Island…go to Providence…no Burriville…no Warwick…no North Smithfield…no, not North Smithfield…NORTH KINGSTOWN! — or North Providence? …for a small state there were lots of places to move to. It’s a wealth of geographical cure places.

And on it went. I was hooked on geographical cures and moved every 2 years…once we moved a block away from the place we had moved from 2 years before.

About geographical cures: I was told that you don’t put a jackass on a plane and it gets off a race horse. We moved so much that whenever my 2 year old son saw a Ryder or UHaul truck, he would say, “Daddy’s truck!” That represented two jackasses trying to move in order to become a race horse.

Even though I knew the emptiness in me existed since I was a small child, I got caught up in “fixes” later on…fixes that had nothing to do with my insides…only my outsides. I thought that there was an ANSWER that I wasn’t finding. It was a child, a pet, a house, a relative…SOMETHING…that I just hadn’t figured out yet.
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The Wha Wha Wha Why Me Meltdown

Angry GirlGetting better is not a contest with our oblivious ex who is just going on as if nothing happened. It’s not a contest with our friend who left bananahead A and is now engaged to someone she considers the most wonderful person in the world. It’s not a contest with those who have what we want and why did they get it and we didn’t?

Getting better is our own deal. We compare our growth to our own…and we stop comparing our insides to others’ outsides. Here’s the “wha wha” post that I’ve written a few times. The “wha wha meltdown” is an inevitable place we all come to at some point:

I’ve written many times about the gift of desperation and how it really IS a gift when you are propelled into finally figuring out WHAT is wrong and HOW to fix it. I’ve also written posts about how so many others just NEVER EVER EVER get it.

I used to have a friend who would say that he wished he could open up people’s heads and pour the wisdom in. I knew, at the time, that I was definitely one of those he was talking about. I was not the most willing student a lot of the time. In my first wha wha meltdown, this very fine friend of mine heard me say, “I AM SO SICK OF WORKING SO HARD BECAUSE PEOPLE HAVE MISTREATED ME WHILE THEY’RE OFF TOASTING MARSHMALLOWS OR SOME SUCH THING.” This friend looked at my calmly and said, “So what else are you going to do?” Duh.
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Demand Your Keys Back

When I work with clients, I give them a lot of homework as they can all attest to. Sometimes they balk and sometimes they drag their feet or get busy or something came up. So when I give assignments I usually try to give an idea of the benefits of such assignments. They’re not busy work. I know that some of my clients have been with therapists and coaches who are going “hmmm” at them for a long time. That’s not me. I’m very proactive and try to keep my clients accountable on some level. Sometimes I nudge them gently along and other times I push a bit. I don’t want to be paid to say hmmmm. I don’t want to care about someone’s process more than they do. But I get that sometimes it takes what it takes and we have to be patient.

But in my nudging/pushing, I try to find things to motivate. One of the things I hear myself saying is, “It is very freeing…” A lot of this is freeing. Journaling, affirmations, no-contact, inventories etc etc etc. It’s working out the bad and working in the good.

It’s freedom from the pain, freedom from the relationship and the ex, freedom from the terribleness of relationships gone wrong.
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5/31 Check In Post

Green Check MarkHow is everyone doing?

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