Workbook Sale

Because so many have asked me about the workbook, please read the description in the tab above, but for a limited time only (maybe a day or two), I’ll give you some incentive to get it and start working in it and then I will post a “workbook” post and you can ask your questions in there (I must get several a day).

So here is the button for the workbook sale (48 hours or less it will be up).

There are NO shipping costs. If you tried to use it last night and it tried to calculate shipping costs, that was a PAYPAL error which I had them fix this morning. The price is $19.99 with no shipping (or any other) costs.

Options are fillable (type answers on computer and save) or non-fillable (print out worksheets and write on freehand). You can print both type of pages out.


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Signs of Recovery from Low Self-Esteem, Relationship Addiction and Loving “too much”

I run this a couple of times a year. It’s from Women Who Love Too Much but it can be applied for anyone recovering from unhealthy relationships. These are signs that you are INDEED recovering.

As someone who went from being a horribly sick individual in horrifically dangerous, destructive relationships to being a TOTALLY recovered WWL2M who was in a long-term relationship with someone who never once made me cry or called me a name or did anything untoward to me, who told me early on, “I want to make you the happiest person on Earth,” and then DID, all while supporting my individual goals and pursuits no matter how small (I want to start walking in the morning) or large (I want to go to law schoool), I can tell you that this is not only possible but it’s the only way to go through life. Don’t settle for some of this…go for ALL OF IT!!!!!!!

Whether you’re a man or a woman, you can do this!! (PS. Letters From Women Who Love Too Much, the follow-up to WWL2M, is out of print but you can find it on Amazon and other places that sell out-of-print books. She answers letters she received after writing WWL2M and addresses same-sex relationships and men who love too much….

I consider Codependent No More, Beyond Codependency and Women Who Love Too Much to be required reading when you’re getting over a dysfunctional relationship. Time to look at you.




1. We accept ourselves fully, even while wanting to change parts of ourselves. There is a basic self-love and self-regard, which we carefully nurture and purposely expand.

2. We accept others as they are, without trying to change them to meet our needs.

3. We are in touch with our feelings and attitudes about every aspect of our lives, including our sexuality.

4. We cherish every aspect of ourselves: our personality, our appearance, our beliefs and values, our bodies, our interests and accomplishments. We validate ourselves rather than search for a relationship to give us a sense of self-worth.

5. Our self-esteem is great enough that we can enjoy being with others, especially those of the opposite sex, who are fine just as they are. We do not need to be needed to feel worthy.

6. We allow ourselves to be open and trusting with appropriate people. We are not afraid to be known at a deeply personal level, but we also do not expose ourselves to the exploitation of those who are not interested in our well-being.

7. We ask ourselves “Is this relationship good for me? Does it enable me to grow into all that I am capable of being?”

8. When a relationship is destructive, we are able to let go of it without experiencing disabling depression. We have a circle of supportive friends and healthy interests to see us through crises.

9. We value our own serenity above all else. All the struggles, drama and chaos of the past have lost their appeal. We are protective of ourselves, our health and well-being.

10. We know that a partnership, in order to work, must be between partners who share similar values, interests and goals, and who each have a capacity for intimacy. We also know that we are worthy of the best that life has to offer.

There are several phases in recovering from loving too much.

The first phase begins when we realize what we are doing and wish we could stop.

Next comes our willingness to get help for ourselves, followed by our actual initial attempt to secure help.

After that, we enter the phase of recovery that requires our commitment to our own healing and our willingness to continue with our recovery program. During this period, we begin to change how we act, think, and feel. What once felt normal and familiar begins to feel uncomfortable and unhealthy. We enter the next phase of recovery when we start making choices that no longer follow our old patterns but enhance our lives and promote our well-being instead. Throughout the stages of recovery, self-love grows slowly and steadily. First we stop hating ourselves, then we become more tolerant of ourselves. Next, there is a burgeoning appreciation of our good qualities, and then self-acceptance develops. Finally, genuine self-love evolves.

Unless we have self-acceptance and self-love, we cannot tolerate being known, because without these feelings, we cannot believe we are worth loving just as we are. Instead, we try to earn love through giving it to another, through being nurturing and patient, through suffering and sacrifice, through providing exciting sex or wonderful cooking or whatever.

Once the self-acceptance and self-love begin to develop and take hold, we are then ready to consciously practice simply being ourselves without trying to please, without performing in certain ways calculated to gain another’s approval and love. But stopping the performances and letting go of the act, while a relief, can also be frightening. Awkwardness and a feeling of great vulnerability come over us when we are just being rather than doing. As we struggle to believe that we are worthy, just as we are, of the love of someone important to us, the temptation will always be there to put on at least a bit of an act for him, and yet if the recovery process has progressed there will also be an unwillingness to go back into old behaviors and old manipulations.

From “Women Who Love Too Much” pages 272-274.

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When Rejection Smacks Your Self-Esteem Around

rejection1A new Psychology Today blog (by me :) ) about Rejection.

It’s titled Rejection and Dating but it gives tips on rebounding from any kind of rejection. The story I tell in the article is about an experience I had with a group of women where I worked not so long ago. It was the only “mean girls” type of experience I’ve ever had and it rocked what I thought was an un-rockable level of self-esteem. I use a “non-relationship” example because it was one of those “no reason” rejections…they didn’t even know me! So many times we are rejected early in a relationship when someone doesn’t know us or later on when they are misinterpreting us or purposely twisting our words, stance, intentions or our complete person. When you are thinking, “There is no reason for this…” you start to obsess and question everything about yourself and wrack your brain as to what the hell you did or said for this rejection and you come up with nothing. So I use this example because it was so surprising, unexpected and really slammed me against the wall in a way I thought IMPOSSIBLE at the time. So I wanted to use an example from my life at a time when a) I had good self-esteem and b) the rejection or the “we really don’t like you for no reason” really affected me and c) how I bounced back from it.

Rejection and Dating

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3/22 Check-in Thread

Green Check MarkHow is everyone doing?

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Your Right To Swing Your Arm…

nose…ends at the tip of my nose.

Repost requested in comments:

(I cut and paste this twice and the second time in the middle of the post so in places it looks like a mashup of some kind…I’m working to edit it out…sorry!)

A few years ago I wrote a post about this but I have to say that lately I’ve been hearing A LOT about people taking WAY too much responsibility for not being “understanding” enough because their partner had some sort of “condition” (ADHD, depression, grief, mental illness, alcoholism, etc etc etc).

People who are suffering from any one thing have two responsibilities: 1) to get help for it and 2) to not abuse anyone.

There are NO excuses for abusing anyone. I don’t care who you are or what your affliction is.

A person that I love dearly has begun (for about a month or so) to engage in baffling behavior and attempts to discuss said baffling behavior go unresponded to. I have tried to speak nicely and when that didn’t work, engaged in a bit of yelling.

Okay–a lot of yelling. Then I calmed down and tried to engage in some talking and asked this person if they had any response whatsoever and said person said that there was no point to talking because I would scream and yell.
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I came across this article this morning and I love the attitude this woman takes.>

This is my favorite part — how she deals with criticism:

After the post went viral and many people were negative toward her, she wrote a post on her blog: “How Being Cyber Bullied After Going Viral Will Make Me A Better Parent,” explain why the mom decided to respond to one particular criticism she received — that she is overly self-important about the fact that she carried twins.

Part of her blog post: (GPYB readers should make this your mantras!)
“Having self worth is an important part to having self acceptance”
“I think its okay to be proud of your strengths and accomplishments and find peace with your weaknesses.”

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International GPYB

GPYB was just released in Polish with new releases scheduled for Chinese, Vietnamese, Czech, Slovak and Turkish.

The Polish has been released, the Chinese (Taiwanese), Vietnamese, Czech and Slovak will be out by the end of the summer. The Turkish was just signed, so it might be another year.

Thanks to all the readers who (obviously) wrote the rights department at DaCapo. :) The London International Book Fair is coming up so if you have requests, get them in. :)

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When The Person You Love….

I have written over 2000 posts on this blog in 7 years. This is the most requested and referenced (on other websites) of them all. The last time I posted it was almost a year ago, so it deserves a re-run especially in the face of the comments I’ve been reading. To all of you: YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

It’s hard


it happens.

And it hurts.

You love someone who may have loved you once upon a time;


You love someone who acted like there was a possibility of love in return, but now there’s not;


You love someone who simply doesn’t feel the same way and isn’t going to feel the same way, ever;


You loved someone deeply who loved you deeply and then this person just switched off and hurt you in ways that were unimaginable at the height of your mutual love;


This person loved you and you loved them and then someone new came along and they left. Friends tell you that you are better than this new person in every way. But your ex is still with Mr. or Ms. New Thing.

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There has been an inordinate amount of spam coming to the site and many things are being flagged as spam and held for moderation. If yours is one of them, please email me. I didn’t see all the posts in moderation yesterday. I usually get a notice but if there are too many I think it just stops notifying me. Yesterday there were 47 posts in moderation and 39 of them were spam. Hopefully the spammers get a clue and it stops but please feel free to email me or tweet me (@susanjae) if yours in in moderation for more than an hour.

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Love and Respect Are Actions

I posted this in GBOT, but thought it was appropriate here based on the latest comments:

hearts1Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience. – M. Scott Peck

This has been requested over and over again.

One thing I’ve written about is that most people don’t understand that saying “He’s in a better place.” (after a death), “There are lots of fish in the sea.” (after a breakup). People rationalize to avoid reality of the situation. Sometimes you have to play with rationalizations to help you through the shock of what has happened and that’s okay.

It’s a problem when people rationalize to stay in a situation they can and should change. You SHOULD NOT search for an excuse to stay stuck. In relationships people say, “No relationship is perfect.” or “All relationships have problems.” And while that may true and there are relationships that can use a little tweaking to bring them closer to perfect, there are other relationships that are train wrecks and need to end and both people need to get into therapy ASAP.
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