This is a sticky post. See latest posts below.
As of December 16th, there is now a category up top in the black stripe called Breakup which starts all the blog posts anew for new readers.
As of the 17th the Check-in Threads will be up there as well so you can find them easily. This is for new readers but old as well. Please weigh in on the new/old posts no matter where you are in your journey! Comments help so many others!!
NOTE: Registration is now open!!!
Many have asked about the next retreat. It’s been 2 years since our last retreat and I am thrilled to present this year’s retreat!!!
It is important to remember US when thinking of being good to others and of giving. This retreat will talk about the difference between being self-centered, selfish and “taking care of me.” (in addition to many other wonderful things!) it will also talk about the difference between being too much of a giver, a codependent, a “good” person and acting in accordance with true emotional health.
Starts at 6 pm on Feb 21 and ends at 1 pm (with an informal Q&A until 3) on Sunday Feb 23 at The Founder’s Inn and Spa, Virginia Beach, VA
Taking Care of Me Retreat will focus on:
Of course we will discuss breakups and grieving as PART of taking care of you and touch briefly on grieving.
This will include hard work but will be centered on working out the bad and working in the good. Working in the good will be the central theme.
RETREAT IS ABSOLUTELY LIMITED TO 20 PEOPLE
Why a retreat? Since 2006 I have been holding weekend retreats and had been doing it twice a year until Michael got sick (it’s a lot of work and he did a lot of running around for me.) I even went through with the one planned when he finished radiation in 2008 because he told me to go. It was, as they always are, an incredible experience. And I held one the fall of 2009 a couple of months after he passed and it lifted my spirits. For anyone who has never been to one, they are intense and emotional but uplifting and incredible. I offer them because they did so much for ME when I was moving along my journey and a grief retreat that I did up north (well north of me) honestly changed my life and got such much out.
Past retreat attendees have become friends and, while it’s not guaranteed, I know that some of the people from the 2011 retreat have stayed in touch and become very good friends. If you are serious about healing and becoming whole and happy, you must start looking to the retreat experience.
This event is an IRL experience of the Self-Esteem Workshop we did last year on-line. Everyone raved about that Workshop (it was 4 weeks long.) Can I fit a 4 week, 5 days a week workshop into a weekend? Why yes I can!!!! It will be great.
There are substantial discounts for early bird paid-in-full registrations, double occupancy, premium members, GPYB alums and coaching clients. There will be an actual (no hidden costs) breakdown of costs so you will know exactly what you are paying.
I have worked hard FOR MONTHS to talk to venues to make this as affordable as possible and, unlike the NYC retreats, am now able to include hotel accommodations!!! I am finalizing pricing this weekend and will have the prices up on Monday.
Registration opens on Monday.
This will be:
(yes, we’re going to do this more often!)
SO WHAT DO YOU GET???
GPYB Mid-Winter “TAKING CARE OF ME” Retreat Includes:
1. Healing and Taking Care of Me Retreat
I will be organizing a dinner for those who want to dine together on Saturday night (I do this at every retreat, seminar or workshop) but you are free to go to the spa, go to the pool or whatever. I usually make dinner reservations for 7 pm. There is also the Hunt Lodge for those who want to go watch a game, play pool and/or have drinks and pub food. So Sat after 5:30 is free but many times a smaller group wants to have dinner together. Last time I think we had about 2/3 of the group join for dinner but it’s completely up to you!
I know some people may need to leave to travel but I plan to stay until 3 for the group. The last 2 hours is usually very informal and fun.
Many may want to check in early Friday and take advantage of the spa and pool. If you are traveling late on Friday or leaving early on Sunday, please let me know. To secure these rates a 2-night minimum is necessary.
It really helps and adds to the group if everyone is there for 6 on Friday and leaves at 1 or 3 on Sunday, but we understand work commitments and travel arrangements, but we ask that everyone attend all of Saturday’s meals and workshops because past experience shows that when people drop out for a while or wander off, it disrupts the group and isn’t fair to the group, so please be mindful of the group and its purpose. As a lawyer I would say, “Well if I want to leave, isn’t that taking care of me?” That is an excellent point and many people do not know how to balance self-care versus other-care, selfishness versus codependency (healthy is in the middle and will be a topic of discussion!) Thank you!
2. Also Included in Retreat Price at no extra cost:
Healing and Taking Care of Me Retreat Meals, Accommodations, Products and Services
Signed copy of Getting Back Out There when it releases in the spring. (keep your mailing address current with GPYB so we can get it right out to you).
3. Also included in the Retreat Price:
GPYB and Founder’s Inn Discounts:
For photos of the Inn, please hit MORE
I have deposits and paid-in-full for 10 people since Monday so 10 slots are left. I’ll try to keep it updated.
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Follow us on Twitter @susanjae (my tweets can be quotes, humor, baseball, miscellaneous fun stuff, but also turned political a couple of years ago due to relentless assault on women’s rights by one party and attacks on the Affordable Care Act which we desperately need, so I can get my liberal panties in a bunch sometimes so please be beware of that.)
Shop Amazon – Free One-Day Shipping on Last Minute Gift Ideas
In her seminal work, Our Inner Conflicts, Karen Horney said that behind the fear of change is often the fear of changing for the worst or the fear of being unable to change at all. What if I try to change and no one likes the new me? What if I try to change and find that I can’t?
Often the fear of “what I’m going to change into” and the unknown “new me” is more frightening than staying in the comfort and misery of what is known. Another fear is that change is not possible. [Read More...]
If you have issues with the Payment, please email me directly sj_elliott AT verizon DOT net
In unhealthy relationships, what we are fighting about is never really what we’re fighting about. That argument over which way the toilet paper hangs is probably more about a “meta” issue: power, balance, control and unresolved issues with others in our lives (usually our early caretakers).
In order to break the “let’s fight about everything and nothing” mode, it’s important to choose your battles…to ask how important is this? is this what I’m really fighting about? and to figure out what this particular battle reminds you of (some un-won battle in childhood/adolescence?). Start to step back and see what you’re fighting about and when and then decide: Is this really worth it? Do I really care about this?
Sometimes when we step back the other person “ups the ante.” After all, they have a stake in the ridiculous fight as well and haven’t made a commitment to changing anything. You may well be drawn back into it because the other person has figured out how to “hook” you back in.
It takes practice but watch for the hooks and remain committed to not fighting about stupid things.
Journal about your feelings when you’re not fighting…what is coming up for you? Probably a lot of discomfort.
Let that be okay.
Write about it and you may discover what all this “nothing” is really all about.
Susan J. Elliott 11/06
First posted 11/29/06
“Identity is the antidote for enmeshment.” – Terry Kellogg
I read this quote a long time ago when I was overly enmeshed with an unhealthy, abusive person and had no identity of my own. [Read More...]
If you signed up and are paid in full for the June retreat, you are automatically eligible for this one, paid in full. Just let me know (as 3 of you have already) and I will adjust the number of spots available.
So far 5 people have signed up so there are 15 spaces left. You can leave a deposit if you do not have the $$ now (I realize it’s a week before Christmas but I wanted to get this out in case you have someone who doesn’t know what to get you, they can get a $x gift certificate from me – it can be less than $150 but your place is not secure until I have the full deposit and will refund the gift certificates if you don’t get the deposit in before it books up!)
There is a site called “Gotobus.com” and it lists all different buses and the fares to VA. It is a 7 hour bus ride for about $45. It leaves NYC at 9 and gets to Virginia at 4. Thursday (day before the retreat) is already sold out so if you’re going, please check the destination for Founders Inn and make sure you have the right one (Virginia Beach v. Norfolk) and get your tickets soon!!! Another GIFT idea as well if you want to ask for a bus ticket to the Retreat. Reminder if you want a relative or friend to give a gift certificate for Christmas, please have them email me directly!!!!
Posted on 11/29/06
I get more email and questions in class about boundaries than just about any thing else. So I will try to post about boundaries every few weeks….but send any questions to me and I’ll answer them.Boundaries simply say, “I begin and end one place and you begin and end another place.”
As many of you know, I am a lawyer, a therapist, a motivational speaker, an author and a teacher.
Once a month or so I send out a newsletter for Getting Past Your Past that answers questions, gives tips and shares different sections of the How To Get Past Your Past program that I teach here in New York City.
Well, I work on the newsletter a lot, answer a lot of email (mostly personal situations), work on the book and sometimes write articles and other things. Oh yeah, and I'm a lawyer for a large international law firm, I have a large family and I occasionally sleep.
So because the newsletter and email correspondence can fall by the wayside or the newsletter never looks "ready" enough for me, I have created this blog so I can interact every day with students, readers and those who keep in touch. Many times I get the same questions in email from different people so this will facilitate some of those answers.
I won't publish your name (of course!) but feel continue to feel free to write me in email and I will answer on the blog.
I think this will alleviate the late publishing of the newsletter and my drive for perfection when I do publish it. What I normally would put in the newsletter I am now going to put on the blog.
We have a lot of new readers! Welcome! As you can tell, many of our readers move on. They stay in touch with me and let me know how well things are going. That is since 2006! There are many “happily ever after” stories. GPYB TRULY WORKS!!!!
If you looked through the old check-in posts, the names change all the time. The thing is that I have always had to balance new posts for people who have been here and reposting older posts for new people. There are approximately 1800 posts!
I’m going to start reposting from the start of the blog at the end of November 2006. If you have been here and it’s “kindergarten” to you, I urge you to write me with what you want for new posts and to help out the new readers in the thread.
Up in the Black Stripe you will see “Breakups.” All the “new” old posts will be tagged with breakup so you can find them. I will post here and it will go on there. There are some posts there already (breakup has been a category since forever and it’s hard to find them all but I will try!” so the ARCHIVE will begin again and I hope you comment no matter what place you are in. Again, welcome new readers!!!
I could write a 4 million line post detailing all the times I overgave. To friends, families and BHs. I will give you ONE example. I was seeing a guy since August. We were friends about a year before that. At Christmas when we were friends we went out to dinner at Chilis a few nights before Christmas. The next Christmas we were a couple. I joked, “Chilis again?” and he said, “No but we’re both strapped for cash so why don’t we just keep it light?” I said okay as I was moving the next month. I got him a small stocking with his name on it and filled it with gifts. Some inexpensive and cute and some a bit pricier but I didn’t want him to feel bad so I didn’t go “all out.” He played the guitar so I got him a pic and a few monogrammed things and chocolates and goofy fun, sweet stuff. I thought this was me ratcheting down Christmas. For me, it was. But it was still cute and thoughtful.
Know what I got?
A man’s scarf.
He actually handed it to me while saying, “I noticed you didn’t have one of these.” My head almost blew off my shoulders. It was totally re-gifted. I wonder WHY I didn’t have a man’s scarf. Because I’m a class act, BH! What part of me looks like I would LOVE a man’s scarf.
I didn’t say anything except, “Wow…thanks…” but I totally wanted to crawl in a hole. I had friends who knew we were doing the “Christmas exchange.”
Plant face on steering wheel of car before driving home. Pull head back. Slam into steering wheel. Repeat.