Welcome to the GPYP/GPYB Blog!
Welcome to V4 of the GPYP/GPYB blog!
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Unrequited Giving
Many people are “relentless” givers. They give and give to another and when it is not appreciated, the giver becomes upset and indignant. How can you treat me like this after all I’ve done for you?
Are you someone who goes into relationship after relationship giving and giving and receiving nothing, not even appreciation, in return? Do you always find yourself saying, “I’m such a good person. I’m so generous. I’m so kind.” But the truth is that you’re not as generous or compassionate or “good-hearted” as you think you are. There is a method to your madness. You are taking people hostage with over-the-top giving. You are trying to make yourself indispensible. You are trying to make someone comfortable and for them to credit you with that comfort. But what actually happens is that the other person becomes uncomfortable—whether consciously or unconsciously—with the manipulation that is inherent in unrequited giving.
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Depression and Clinical Intervention
In the book, on pp. 67-68, I talk about depression, suicidal thoughts and the need for clinical intervention. Please understand that breakups are inherently painful but deep depression and suicidal thoughts over a breakup are not. If you are having those feelings or feelings of despair with no hope, please see a professional. Everyone going through a breakup can benefit from seeing a counselor, therapist, coach or support group. But if you have plunged into deep depression or have suicidal thoughts, get help immediately.
You do not need to wait for an appointment. There are crisis centers and if your local mental health clinic does not have one, go to the Emergency Room of your local hospital. You do not need insurance. JUST GO. You may need counseling or medication.
It is a sign of STRENGTH, not weakness, to ask for help. It’s okay to need support. It means you are working hard and healing. Don’t suffer in silence. Get the help you need. If a friend or relative appears to be despairing, even if they just show glimpses, encourage them to get help and support. Even if they assure you that the feelings have passed, tell them it’s a good idea to see someone just to make sure. If someone talks about harming themselves, it’s almost always not a passing feeling. Don’t let it go.
No one is worth killing yourself over. Too many people take their life thinking that they can’t go on or function after a breakup or a loss. Grief clouds our judgment. Don’t act on impulses set in motion by grief. You will feel different later.
You cannot do the work you need if you are too depressed. You need to deal with the depression first.
You can do this. But first you must be in an emotionally stable place. Take care of you. Sometimes that means asking for help. If you need it, ask for it.
5/16 Check-in Thread
How is everyone doing?
I’m so over you. Maybe.
As it states in the GPYB book, the final phase of grief is sometimes called integration, sometimes called reorganization and sometimes acceptance. It doesn’t mean you are suddenly happy; it means you are starting to move on and find some peace about the breakup.
Being Friends With The Ex
UPDATE: Same article is featured on the front page of HuffPo Divorce. Please tweet, like, share, comment! Thank you!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/15/friends-with-ex-should-yo_n_1516245.html?ref=divorce
GPYB classic article on today’s front page of Your Tango. Please retweet and/or like. Thank you all!
http://www.yourtango.com/experts/susan-elliott/why-you-should-not-be-friends-your-ex
Rationalizations, Justifications and Dignity
I watch a lot of judge shows. Most of the litigants are ex partners or love interests. As both a lawyer and a therapist, it fascinates me.
Fear of Abandoment and Intimacy
The incredible irony of relationship addiction is that at the core of this obsession with another person lies deep fear of intimacy, a fear we never have to face as long as we continue to choose partners who are, for one reason or another, impossible. ~ Robin Norwood
Intimacy requires closeness, being vulnerable and letting go of fear. If you’ve been hurt in your life you might not be capable of that closeness, vulnerability or fearlessness…it’s just not possible until you look at your stuff and work through it.
5/9 Check-in Thread
How is everyone doing?
Making Peace With The Peace
Your true traveller finds boredom rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty – his excessive freedom. He accepts his boredom, when it comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure.- Aldous Huxley
When difficult times and people leave our lives, we often find the void almost too much to bear. We feel as if there is this huge gaping hole in our lives and in our heart. We are not quite sure what to do with ourselves.
2012 MAD Fundraiser
We’re kicking off our 2012 fundraiser. May is Brain Tumor Awareness Month and Michael’s birth month so it’s a big deal to us. Here is our NBTS page and a link to pics from our walk in DC last year. Last year the blog readers (here and on Rope Burns) were incredibly supportive. This year we are participating in the NBTS Governor’s Island walk in NYC.
Team Page:
Please click the graphic to donate to our team:
Photos from last year:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150165502281909.307334.673086908&type=3&l=47b881b3a3
From Our Readers