Requested Repost:Passive Aggressive Personalities
We’ve talked lately about the over-the-top abusers and cheaters. Now to turn to those who are underhandedly crazy making…the passive aggressive. The PA does not punch you in the face. The PA makes you want to punch them in the face. It’s a whole other dynamic but can be incredibly difficult to deal with. They think they’re the victims or haven’t done anything wrong and they would be wrong, but you challenge yourself and your view of reality sometimes in the face of the things they say and do.
The term “passive aggressive” originated in World War II to describe soldiers who passively avoided work or combat by procrastinating, pretending not to know what to do or which way to go, lagging behind and purposely screwing things up. They were originally labeled “stubborn malcontents.”
Because you can’t willfully and assertively refuse to do something in the military, its necessary to find other ways to get out of something: i.e. being aggressive in a very passive way. Unless you’re Beetle Bailey who was definitely passive-aggressive. (Does anyone remember Beetle Bailey? If not, look him up.)
Passive aggressiveness is a way of resisting demands of others without actually confronting that person or the anger at the person with the demands.
Every now and again, we publish the GPYB Platitudes. For those who struggle with affirmations and positive statements, here are some to memorize and remember as you move about your days and nights. These are the top 13. They began with 5 and we’ve added to them over the years. Not every one of them is original to me or GPYB but some are. No matter which it is, MEMORIZE these for continued success.
My advice is to print them out, memorize them, until they pop into your head when needed. You can do it!
1. You get what you put up with. Along the same lines: No is a one-word sentence. Say it and go. No explanation necessary. Remember: a ringing / pinging phone is a request – not a demand. Put boundaries in place and value you and your time, especially your alone time. VALUE who you are, what you are about and your time for you. Do not let anyone else demean you, your time or your value.
2. Hungry people make poor shoppers. Feed yourself love and attention (from inside you not from an outside source) and you will be a better shopper.
3. “The one” will never stop loving you; will never mistreat you; will never leave you, especially for another. “The one” simply doesn’t do that. If someone has done that, he or she is not “the one.”
There is a theme in comments lately. It seems to be “My ex did all these horrible things and I screwed up.”
This is how bad it can get and how you can recover. I had this as part of my story in GPYB and decided to take it out after my daughter in law read it (she is married to my son, who is the baby I’m talking about in this entry). We decided that we didn’t want this harrowing tale as part of the book. My son doesn’t know the full story to this day, but it is – easily – the most traumatic thing that ever happened to me. I sometimes get defensive when Amazon reviewers don’t like how much of my story is in the book…they have NO IDEA how much is NOT in the book. Most of what is in there is so much less than what is not there.
I am working on a possible sequel to GPYB which is expounding on the topics in there (rather than GBOT which is for when you are ready to learn about new and loving relationships). It’s somewhat of an extension of GPYB.
What topics in GPYB do you think were unnecessary? Which do you think need more content?
What other topics would you like to see covered?
How useful would new inventories be (remember that GBOT has a few new ones that are intended for you long before you get back out there)? What kind would you like to see?
Would you like to see a daily book like Hazelton publishes? (i.e. Every Day A New Beginning or Melody Beattie’s Language of Letting Go (Daily Meditation book).
Any other things that might be helpful to you as you move along your journey?
It’s been almost five years since I first wrote this and I get a request for it every few months, so here it is again:
This is a convenient cut and paste for everyone who wants to go back to/stay with/can’t stop thinking about a bananahead. Simply cut and paste in the areas that apply to your situation and then either email it to the bananahead or, better yet, print it out and soak it with tears and then send it in real mail. Don’t forget the hearts and kisses.
I love this article and Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings. Please read how loving yourself FIRST enables you to fully love others.
If you’re working in the workbook and have question, feel free to ask them here. If you have the answer to a question, feel free to answer it and help out a fellow blogger (or just share how you did what they are asking about) before I get to it. Thanks all!
This is a post I wrote for Psychology Today and I’m sure that long-time readers are familiar with a lot of what’s in here, but I invite you to comment here or there or MORE IMPORTANTLY, post anywhere you think it would be helpful for someone suffering in an abusive relationship. Thanks all!
And for some lighter fare (on negativity from Inc. magazine – not written by me).
Here are some of the Questions I received by email. If your question isn’t here, I’m working on it. I am going in for surgery on Friday so it might be a bit before I answer the next batch, but feel free to send them along.
Feel free to comment on one or all of the posts. If you think I left something out or you have questions about something, please feel free to comment/question.