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I’ve been in southern California since Thursday morning and, sadly, I return to Minnesota tonight. It was a pretty good trip; nice to get away. Unfortunately, I spent much of my time here recycling. I had wanted to come here with my ex. I don’t know why I’m feeling so sad again. I think part of it is that I’ve started my job search, hoping I can find something before I lose my job, and the uncertainty of what is to come makes me nervous.
Tomorrow will be 70 days NC, and yesterday was 105 days since the break up. I had hoped to be further along than this in my recovery. I start my course on mindfulness on Wednesday. I have great hope that it will help more than the Paxil has done so far.
Oh, well. Baby steps to growth. I’ll just keep going since I don’t have much choice.
I hope others are doing a bit better than I am today.
Hi bandick,
Sorry to hear that your are struggling. I think that any uncertainty(job search) taps into the “black hole” of loss, plus being on a trip you hoped to take with your ex. It’s no wonder you are recycling. It will pass as these events get further in the distance.
Your mindfulness class will help a lot. I learned during my mindfulness class that my thoughts were the cause of my pain and that it’s okay to have thoughts but that you can change “the channel” sometimes. Now when I recycle, I don’t have that depressing ache that used to come with it.
You have made it through 70 days of NC!!!!!! You should be proud of yourself…
Each “baby step” leads to a better life!
You have to stop shoulding on yourself. Be nicer to you. We all want to be further along.
I was reading something by Patrick Swayzee’s widow last week and she was talking about how she cannot believe how much she still misses him and she didn’t think she’d feel this way 2 years later. I know exactly how she feels (Patrick died around the same time Michael did). I do know I’m getting better and healing but it’s still such a trudge some days.
Uncertainty certainly pushes our buttons. You feel much better when you “know.” When I was still in my house I worried all the time about finding a place to rent. I haven’t rented in years and didn’t know about finding a place. Since I’ve moved, I feel better. Thinking about not finding a new place that would be okay for me, my cats, my visiting family and my peace of mind was driving me crazy. It has helped a lot to have found something and be okay with it. Job uncertainty is something that will really add to sadness, frustration and overall malaise.
Be good to you and trust the process. You can do this!
bandick,
70 days NC is simply amazing and I wish I could send you 70 cupcakes, or truffles, or whatever it is you like in celebration!
I am unemployed again as well, after a horrid 2 weeks of being sexually harassed at my new job. I’m also looking for work even though I don’t feel nearly ready. On the bright side, my recruiter told me that job opportunities are better now than they have been in quite a while so that has given me some hope that I won’t be out of work for more than a couple of months. Sorry to hear about the recycling. Job hunting is pretty awful and I can imagine that is not helping your mood. Hang in there!
I am up and down, but not swinging as badly as I was before. I doubt my decision to move on, probably every hour. Then I talk myself back into why I am moving on.
I am dreading/preparing for the end of the month. On Jan 8th I had the sense that I finally had it with this rollercoaster, but since I have broken up 3 times before (over 2 years, for the same issues) I didn’t want to do something reactionary, and regret it later, and be back in the same situation. So instead I asked for a break till the end of the month “for us to clear our heads and think about what we want”. He has agreed to that, and for the most part we have been NC.
From his few texts it seems he will want to reconcile and keep trying, and I want to be done. I want it over, and my biggest fear is that somehow in the conversation he will convince me that I am just running away, that that is my pattern, that I don’t stick to things. Or, I will feel bad that he is hurting. Or I will start to hurt. Or he will appeal to my sense of loyalty or commitment. Or he will admit everything is true, he is horrible and needs work, and that I am the only one who brought this to his attention, and I am the one that can help him become a better person, if I only stick by him. Or he will bully me and twist my brain into little knots till I don’t know what I am thinking. Or I will panic because I know there will be girls ready to scoop him up in a heartbeat, because from the outside appearance he is a good catch, and I am scared to see him move on.
All of these are the reasons I have gone back the past 3 times. I don’t want to go back. I know it is lame and cowardly, but I want to break up by text. No even on the phone. Not face to face.
So I have one more week to keep strengthening my resolve, facing my fears, and affirming what I deserve.
Just tell him you’re done. Period. End of story. Tell him “I have thought about it and I do not want to be in a relationship anymore. Please do not contact me again.” Send it and be done with it. Who cares if he moves on and treats someone else to his foolish ways?
There are idiots on every street corner ready to pick up the trash someone else threw out. There are always foolish people looking for no-good broken down assholes. There are people that make a career out of these morons. Let someone else have him. He’s not the brass ring, he’s not the golden ticket, he’s trouble and stupidity.
Don’t think about what you might do, just resolve to not do it. Break up by text. It’s not something I normally recommend but if you’re “on a break” he had to know it was a possibility and just do it.
Hi Susan,
I did it! I had a heartwrenching alone evening Friday, finally had my cry, over and over, and wondered why am I waiting till a day on the calendar?
Saturday I told him it was over. It was by text, I needed the time lapses that text gives, so I could think straight. It was hard….(understatement).
Then I met our pastor’s wife for coffee. She has known him for 9 years and knew him thru the demise of his first (short) marriage., and us for 2 years. I have never given her any concrete examples of our issues, I have tried to be respectful and not “bashing”. I just said I really stuggle with certain dynamics in our relationship. I thought she’d give some generic “I’ll pray for you guys, let’s wait and see what God’s will is….” type of support. What she said blew me away…….”don’t answer the phone, don’t read any email…..change your number if you have to. walk away, and if you’re tempted to look back, think of Lot’s wife who turned to salt when she looked back at the destruction”……..wow.
I am done. It is over. I did it. I made it.
Hello Susan,
This is my first time posting on the check-in thread. I wish I could say that I am doing well today. I wish that I could say I’m better since I started posting on the blog. Maybe this is supposed to happen but I have been having small outbursts of tears since I began posting on here a few days ago. Until now, I hadn’t cried at all after going NC.
I spent a lot of my relationship crying in private knowing that if I shed any tears in front of him that it would only make things worse. Because he had zero empathy, trying to talk about our problems was futile. I tried many times to get to the bottom of things. I tried to figure out where he was coming from. He would just shut me down every time. He would say or do something incredibly hurtful and then say that I was just “too sensitive” or say “you must be really insecure” when I reacted to it or tried to defend myself.
He would get mad at me for NOT agreeing with him that I was insecure/uneducated/poor/stupid/too athletic or healthy (yes, he actually held being health conscious against me)/too caring or nice/ not caring or nice enough. Whatever I did or didn’t do it was always too much or never enough.
Today was hard because I’m realizing after having had two months of NC with him, just how little he cared for me. What’s worse is I have this thought in the back of my head that maybe he was right. Maybe if I had got a different job, tried harder, done something differently, that things would be the way they were and it would all be okay. This thought is immediately followed by another one that slaps me across the face that says “Wait! That good part never happened. That’s never how it really was. The happy part of that relationship was nothing more than pretty icing on a crap-cake.”
Having memories of these two alternate worlds, the real one and the fake one, are driving me crazy. What’s really weird about it is that before I met him, I used to spend many nights alone and I was fine with it. Weeks like the one I’m having now used to be my normal. Now it’s just me and my two cats again and I feel so worthless and pathetic.
The things other people would compliment me on like my humor, how I dress, my ability to carry a conversation were all negatives with him. Being with him has poisoned my thinking. I now wonder if the people who were complimenting me or saying good things about me were really just lying and he was the only one who was willing to tell me the truth. The only reason I don’t totally buy into that is because I never fish for compliments or dress or act a certain way just to impress others.
As I said, I feel like I’m going crazy. I tried to call my friends last weekend and none of them answered or returned my calls. I’m wondering if It’s too late to save those friendships. I have been dishonest with my friends in that I was too ashamed to admit that he and I went on as long as we did. I’ve not told anyone except for my oldest sister about what happened. She has been supportive but when I leave her house I feel like I’m venturing off into an empty world. Maybe tomorrow or next week will be better. All I know is that this is how I feel right now.
Fightback,
You were kind enough support to me a few days ago….my turn to try and return the favor.
You have to remember who you are dealing with and what he is REALLY all about.
His cold indifference and lack of concern for you is ingrained in him; he uses people and has no regard for them when he seemingly “uses them up”.
This is not your fault.
The only fault I can find, if any, is that you continue to pine away for this person who clearly has no shred of human decency to have treated you like his plaything….you are not an emotional punching bag for him to take out his frustrations on, or worse, sharpen his emotional immaturity and Narcissistic tendencies on.
as Susan says: IT DOESN’T MATTER.
And it doesn’t.
You have to remember that he is “candy-coated misery”; when the pretty wrapper comes off that package, he is a disastrous emotionally draining vampire- feeding off people who aren’t strong enough to break free of his grip. it feed his issues, it makes him feel in control…when he is actually the opposite – anyone who does those things to another is out of control and spiraling dangerously into dark territory.
I too was abused emotionally; i have stopped rationalizing her behavior and thinking “it really wasn’t that bad”
Yes it was. VERY bad. i am a 45 year old man who feels like he is all the things she said i was, and the way she walked away after 6 years, the seemingly easy way it meant nothing when she decided it so, plagues my dreams and my thoughts…..could i be that bad?
You read me posts; she has the (sick) ability to switch on and off her feelings; we have been apart since January 8th, and I have gone ghost…literally dropped off the face of her earth…no texts, no emails, no Facebook stalking….NOTHING.
And i am struggling….i have my “up” days and then there are the days that are 40 hours long, where all i can do is think about how i was treated, and if the next guy will get the “fixed” version of her, and i was the reason she was how she is…..and always will be.
Fightback, You need to stay strong. Journal about your pain. remember why you should be thankful for this – he let you go, a cycle you would not have been strong enough to break on your own….you are free! It is scary…lonely….but are you being mistreated? Abused emotionally or belittled?
If you are, it is only being done to you by yourself.
Post here….if i see it, i will offer support as we all do this healing together.
I am hurting.
You are hurting.
We are hurting.
Its not our fault.
IT DOESN’T MATTER.
Thanks THISWILLPASS
I think what triggered this is sharing my story with others. It doesn’t matter that I can’t see who I’m posting to. I’ve been holding everything in, unable to talk about it or share that I’ve been dying inside. I work in a medical office and always have to put on this happy demeanor that quickly vanishes the minute I’m not around my coworkers or the patients coming in to the office.
I’m finally seeing…really seeing…the other stories so similar to my own. I’m seeing the story that I’ve posted and knowing it really didn’t happen to someone else; that I’m the one who lived it and am the one facing the challenge ahead and today I just didn’t want to face it. There was a certain comfort that came with the fakery of the bad relationship. I know it wasn’t good for me and you’re right for pointing out that by being free of him I am no longer stuck in the crazy cycle.
The time away and distance is putting things into perspective for me. I’m seeing things that he did to make me question whether or not some things were really what they looked like. There’s this one thing in particular that has been coming back and I’m seeing clearly, for the first time, just how insidious this one behavior really was.
I have a favorite restaurant that is really kind of like a special treat to me. I told him about this one night when we I took him there. He seemed kind of meh about the place saying he thought it was overrated but enjoyed his food nonetheless. We went again a couple of months later. Again, he liked his food but then said he was tired of that place adding that he didn’t understand what I thought was so great about it. After that I didn’t suggest it again.
Not long after this conversation, I called one night asking what he was doing for dinner. He then told me he just ate dinner at THAT restaurant with a friend. I asked him why he didn’t invite me since he knew I love that place. He then claimed I never told him that I loved that restaurant and then proceeded to tell me about how good the dish was that he ordered.
Later on he said his mom was going to be visiting and that they were going to go to dinner and asked if I wanted to go. I said yes and asked him if it he could wait just a half hour for me that evening as I had an errand to run. This was plenty of notice since she wouldn’t be in town for a couple of days. Sure enough, I went to meet him at his house at the time we agreed on and they were gone. I tried calling and texting knowing he was always checking his phone. Nothing.
I ate fast food that night. Later I finally got a hold of him and asked him why he didn’t wait for me and he claimed to not remember me asking him to wait and turned it around on me saying that I “didn’t make myself clear”. I asked him where they went for dinner. He took his mom to my favorite restaurant because he had told her all about it. A couple weeks later I asked him if we could go there for dinner and his response was that he was tired of that place and saying again that it “wasn’t that great”. There were other times that he went there after that…all without me.
I’m focused on this one thing because it represents, in a nutshell, the dynamics at play in that relationship. I see now that it wasn’t in my head. He REALLY WAS trying to deliberately deprive me of things he knew would make me happy and that was just a small thing but it was still something. I’m sorry to rant but it’s seeing things like this, these no-win setups he would create that make me think that he was not only trying to make me feel crazy, but that maybe I was crazy after a while for putting up with it!
Wow – I am appalled at how your ex BH treated you! It wasn’t just trying to deprive you of pleasure, but it was to deliberately gaslight you and make you think you were crazy by denying that you told him it was your favorite restaurant or pretending that you didn’t agree on a specific time to meet. Have you heard of gaslighting? It sounds exactly what he was putting you through and I am glad you are away from this person.
My self-esteem has gone through the crusher because I held the opinions of my ex’s as more important and real than my own. If they told me that it was my fault, even if I disagreed deep down, I ended up believing it. I took on the blame which is something that is a pattern in my life. I recently was subjected to sexual harassment at my new job and even though it was uninvited and not my fault, I somehow felt bad about it as if I invited this horrid situation into my life. At first I thought perhaps I should dress differently at work, but then I realized that it is absolutely unfair that I would have to change how I dress because my boss is lecherous toad and can’t stop hitting on me. I dress perfectly professional and I shouldn’t have to change a thing because he is behaving inappropriately! I also felt guilty about quitting since I have a strong work ethic and have never walked away from a job after only two weeks, but I realized my mental health was worth way more than the paycheck. It was worth more than burning a bridge with that jerk. He hired me and a few days later after my first day, started sending me messages regarding how he couldn’t stop staring at me and how much I turn him on. It felt like I was hired not just for my ability to do the job, but to be his personal little toy. I am NO ONE’s toy.
In a job situation, it was a good lesson for me to clearly see that my boundaries were being disrespected. What he was doing was illegal and I took the necessary steps to stop it and get out of a situation that was making me very uncomfortable and unhappy. Now, if only I can protect myself as well in my personal relationships!
My point is, what other people think of you is not as important as what you think of you. Just because my boss treated me like a toy there for his pleasure does not make me believe that is all I am worth. Just because my ex BH didn’t feel I was worth his love or respect does not mean I do not deserve to be loved and respected. Take this time to get to know you and don’t worry as much about what others think — because it doesn’t matter.
Keep going, you can do this. Please read up on gaslighting, it might help you realize you are not crazy. Here are a couple of links to get started:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200903/identify-the-gaslight-effect-and-take-back-your-reality
I did a radio show on Gaslighting last year. Look at the GPYB blog radio archives. It’s here. I do apologize for the quality and the phone call drops. The weather was very severe that night and caused all kinds of issues but most of it is here:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/gettingpastyourbreakup/2010/08/16/getting-past-your-breakup-episode-3
Thank you for the link to the radio show Susan. It helps me to know what I was dealing with!
Thank you so much Court!
I have read about Gaslighting and often wondered if that’s what it was. To see someone else pick up on that and call it by name is a relief to me. It isn’t that I even care that much about “labeling” my ex so to speak, but it helps me to have a reason…something that explains the “why” of his aberrant behavior so that I’m not tempted to seek out that answer from him.
I’m sorry about that work situation and am glad that you stood up for yourself! It seems to me that some people insinuate into positions of authority just so they can scratch their perverted itch thinking that because they’re the boss/cop/politician, you name it, that they can get away with it.
I think that taking a stand and winning this one battle likely will translate to other areas of your life. Ten years ago I fought off an attacker who tried to slash me to ribbons when he tried to rob me and a friend at knife point. I won. The assailant got no money and probably some broken ribs. Later, the cops that showed up to take the report blamed me for not complying. one of them asked me why I didn’t just give him what he wanted. I looked him in the eye and said “because it was mine!”
That brief moment in my life changed me forever. I DO judge a book by its cover. If I get even the hint that someone or some place is bad for me or put me in danger I avoid it. I’m looking at this last relationship the same way at this point. I may not be able to identify a narcissist or some other mentally deranged type by the clothes they wear, tattoos, or some other outside characteristic, but I’ll know the behavior.
You’re right that it doesn’t matter what others think. I was like you in that I came to take what he said as a literal indictment of who I am and what I’m worth. After being worn down to the point where I just didn’t see the point in defending myself anymore it was just easier to agree and get him off my back until the next episode. I’m glad that I found this blog along with you and all the other refugees from crazyland to help each other through this.
Wow! Your account of fending off your attacker is amazing. I love your spirit, you are badass! It makes me ill that someone would wear you down to the point where that feisty strong part of you got buried down deep. I look forward to hearing that side of you come out more and more as you get through this. We can do it!
Hi Fightback,
I know exactly what you mean, that sometimes certain things they did stand out, almost symbolically representative of the entire relationship and treatment. I have 3.
1. His elderly widowed grandmother and aunt live with him, and take care of him, hand and foot. They planted a flower bed of geraniums, he doesn’t like geraniums and he didn’t like where they planted them. So he pulled them out by the roots. When I said “you can’t act like that”….he said “I let them replant them elsewhere”. HE LET THEM……!!!! They are 87 and 75 years old.
2. On our 2nd anniversary, last night of a cruise last December, we had a romantic night, had the waiters bring a rose, sing to me, took pictures all dressed up etc. Later that night he made overtures to have sex, I said “great let me just run to the bathroom”, came back 3 minutes later, and he was lying on his side, arms crossed. “go to bed, you took too long in the bathroom, I don’t like to be interupted”. I started to cry, and he said “Oh don’t make this into one of your big dramas, you are the most hypersensitive person I know, go to sleep.”
3. A few weeks ago we went out to dinner, he chose the time and place. It was nice, but later he had a stomach ache from eating too much. He started saying we ate too late, he ate too much,,,,then he said he noticed I ate a lot too, I ate more than he did, I need to work on my eating habits, how will we ever be healthy if I don’t work on my eating habits? I told him I feel fine, he said well you really ate a lot and have poor eating habits. Rolled over, crossed his arms and went to sleep.
Entitled, blaming, projecting, angry. Crazymaking.
Narcissism at its finest.
I can really identify with that last one, Vision2012. I went through so many episodes with my ex where I went to bed angry and hurt because he would make an unreasonable request and then get angry and hostile when I failed to meet the request.
There was never any such thing as a relaxing time with him. We once went on a trip to Vegas with another couple. I had been looking forward to a vacation for a long time. The morning of the trip he was angry and verbally abusive. I had no clue as to why.
The plane ride there, he was rude and hateful as could be, yet he was all smiles around the other couple. They could not see what he was doing to me. He was talking to them and acting fine in front of them so therefore they did not notice that he was deliberately ignoring me. He was giving me the silent treatment with a big smile on his face right in front of these people. The minute we got back to the hotel in our own room it was Asshole City. I asked him why he was acting that way and he lashed out at me and yet still didn’t give me an answer.
I was ready to take a cab to the airport on the third day of our 10 day trip because I was so miserable. I finally got the first vacation I’d had in years and he was making it Hell. Oddly, that afternoon his mood lifted and he seemed to have a good time the rest of the trip. Just before he discarded me he was asking if I wanted to go on a cruise. I deliberately avoided the topic because all I could think was what a nightmare being trapped on a boat with him would be.
What’s really sad for me about that is that I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise. I would have loved to have gone on one with him at one time. Had he asked much earlier I may have agreed to it thinking it would be a way to save our relationship. By that point I knew it was pointless, that a cruise with him would be the emotional equivalent of sailing on the Titanic. I feel your pain because our stories seem so interchangeable.
Fightback, Thanks for your reply.
The best thing that is happening to me now (in addition to no more anxiety or rollercoaster) is that whenever I am sad, I remind myself that THIS sadness is still a thousand times easier than the sadness of crying myself to sleep next to someone, who is sleeping, who just said mean, twisted things to me, and then blamed be for “drama”.
I will take this sadness ANY DAY over the above scenario!
Fightback,
Every word in both of your posts sounds all too familiar to me. Others have mentioned gaslighting, here are two books I highly recommend:
“In Sheep’s Clothing” by George Simon
“The Gaslight Effect” by Robin Stern
I was devastated by a relationship with a similarly manipulative person, and also by my role in enabling it. But more than just explaining this behavior, these books are also very good about explaining why we reacted the way we did and that their behavior and our reactions were not our fault. We believed the best in these people, and as Susan says, you didn’t know what you didn’t know. I’ve come a long way in my healing and life views, and these books and this forum have been a big part of the reason. If I can do it, you can too!
thanks Aggie!
I will look for those titles. One of the things I’ve done to give myself comfort is going to a small library not far from my house. It’s a quiet, calm place with warm colors. What’s more is that it has books so there is no chance of encountering my ex there.
I have taken that phrase “I didn’t know that I didn’t know” to heart because I really didn’t. One morning as I was getting up for work and forcing myself to get through my morning shower my ex crossed my mind and I could still hear him criticizing me about my job and everything else under the sun. I thought “maybe I should have just ignored it and it would have been okay.
I immediately remembered my telling my parents about some relentless bullying I was getting in junior high school. Daily I would come home upset. I couldn’t defend myself because I was outnumbered by the kids doing the bullying. I was called names, put down, threatened, and in addition to that stabbed in the back by other classmates I thought were my friends.
So what did my dad do? When he wasn’t ignoring me he would force me into situations that played out in front of these bullies that only added to my suffering. What did my mom do? She told me to ignore it over and over again “just ignore it”.
I realized that moment in the shower that I took her advice whether I agreed with it or not for all these years of my life. I tried to tell the people who were supposed to be there for me what I needed and instead of listening and telling me no one had the right to treat me that way, my feelings were invalidated, my needs ignored, my desperation over the matter trivialized.
I have repeated this pattern in all my relationships. The others were short term relationships so maybe I didn’t notice it like I did before this one. I really NEED something or someone to tell me just once that I didn’t deserve this, that it’s not MY fault. I need to believe that I matter and that defending and sticking up for ME is the right thing to do.
Unlike the attack at knifepoint I mentioned in an earlier post, I could not see that this was just as dangerous and posed as much of a threat as any predator could. If he had hit me, I could have identified it and known exactly what that was. If that were the case I would have given him a beatdown that he would never forget and that would have been the end of it. This emotional abuse is so much worse to me because I may not know for a very long time how much damage it really caused and i cannot point to a date on the calendar and say that’s where it began.
I will check out those books. I want to be like you and reach a place where I hurt less and can look at my recovery and see where I’ve been and how far I’ve come.
Fightback, you weren’t taught or encouraged by your parents that you have the RIGHT to stand up for yourself. (same as me; “don’t rock the boat,” or “don’t make waves,” or “this is as good as you’re going to get” crap from my mother)
So, not only were we not taught to stand up for ourselves, our dignity, our rights, we actually got the message to NOT stand up for ourselves. That’s what I’ve done in my relationships, too.
We have to learn this as adults for ourselves, now. And it seems you have already done so, in the literal fight with the knifepoint incident — wow, way ta go! Scary, but maybe a bit affirming also, that you have power.
You’ve really moved on, and sounding pretty strong. You HAVE come a long way!
It’s interesting what the universe tells you when you least expect it. I managed to get myself out of my apartment this evening and to a yoga class. My yoga teacher at one point said to avoid the banana. I know she was referring to a body position but all I could think of that I need to avoid the bananahead in my life. It brought a smile to my face and I chuckled a little…a first for me in weeks. I have been struggling with NC and am now on day 4. It lightened me up enough that I was able to do my affirmations during my yoga practice and put the focus on me instead of him.
I definitely needed this…I am truly grateful for the class tonight. Taking things one hour at a time.
Hahaha, banana! That is funny, thanks for sharing!
Bonbons–
Your comment from the previous check-in thread that what you’re doing is not working is exactly what we’ve been trying to tell you for months now. You really have to accept that you are your own worst enemy right now and that some of your thoughts are just plain wrong and hurtful to you.
Look at what you told me about my attitude towards my Ulcerative Colitis. You basically said you would hate for your daughter, who has Chron’s, to develop the same attitude as me because I was saying that I felt disgusting for having the disease. Well, what are you teaching your children about recovering from mistakes they have made? Do you REALLY believe that we are beyond redemption and should just give up when we make a mistake and punish ourselves for the rest of our lives? Because that is the way you are acting. If it’s not okay for me to feel disgusting because I have an illness, it’s equally not okay for you to feel disgusting and unlovable and unworthy because of a choice you made, one choice, in the past.
You are stuck because of another CHOICE you are making. You are choosing to relive and blame yourself for the past over and over and over again, instead of lifting yourself up in the present. What you have is all that anyone has–you have the present. You can make of it what you will. CHOOSING misery is not okay. It’s not okay for you and it’s not okay for your kids, who are learning how to live their lives from you. Part of you already knows that choosing misery is not okay, because you had the strength to leave the BH, even though you erroneously believed that sex is love and still have sexual feelings for the BH. (As a side note: Of course the BH told you that the feelings you have for him are “true love” and what you felt for your previous husband were friendship–he had an agenda! What the hell does a man who abuses animals and his own kids know about love, though? Not one damn thing! DISCOUNT his thoughts entirely, Bonbons!)
What would you want for your daughter if she made a bad relationship choice and hurt someone over it? Would you want her to suffer for the rest of her life or expect her to? Or would you want her to be able to learn from her mistakes and use that knowledge to grow as a person and create the best possible life for herself?
Start following our advice, Bonbons. Start doing the work. Repair your self-esteem. Challenge your negative thoughts. Let go of this guilt.
Thank you for your input, Blu. You brought up a lot of valid points.
Quite honestly, the dysfunction that went on between BH & I & his children & the messages being sent to MY children were what actually propelled me to leave the marriage. I was unhappy in a lot of ways, but convinced I loved BH (hell – sometimes I am still convinced of that) but when it got to a point where I was telling my daughter all of the time that this was not the kind of marriage I wanted her to have, and watching my son absorb stupid messages from BH about guns, video games, table manners (or lack thereof,) driving, etc. I knew I had to leave him, no matter what.
I agree that I have had the wrong attitude – that I don’t view friends and family who have made mistakes as irredeemable, but I can’t seem to give myself the same leeway. And I know I spend too much time worrying about what is going to happen to me in the future, to the point where I can’t enjoy the present. I worry about finding somebody to love me, when I am having trouble loving myself!
I have not always been so negative & miserable (that is situational,) but I have always had self-esteem & food & body issues. I think feeling desired & having a passionate sex life = reassurance to me that I am attractive & wanted despite what I think of the way I look = equating sex with love?! I guess that just confirms your message that I need to battle the negative things I tell myself.
I did just get confirmation that BH finally got served with the divorce papers, and I can go set a court date on 2-20. My first impulse was to get upset, but then I was like, WHY? I need to be done with that BH & move the hell on… I just need to go through this & keep on going. I am so tired of suffering.
I am having an up and down week yet again. Yesterday BH came to my house to drop off my cheque. I felt really proud of myself for being able to saythanks and that in the future I will pick up my cheque myself.Of course he had a comeback for that and once again I could see a flicker of anger but then immediately it was total indifference..ok suit yourself.
And then the obsessing began yet again. Did he realise that I am NC,does he care,is he putting on a front,will he talk to me again..and on and on. Checking my emails to see if he wrote(work email) looking out the window at every passing truck.
Today I am holding back the tears again. The loneliness is really getting to me.
I tried getting up and just being busy but the brain is still going in circles.I tried reading but the top of the list is usually talk to friends.I dont have any friends,period. Other suggestions like doing something you like to do are almost as futile.
I am in such a bad place financially that I wonder if I can even afford to heat my house least of all get out and do things.I live in (his) Very small town,and hour away from the nearest city,where I dont know anyone anyways. I can not afford the tank of gas to get there even if I had a reason.I am trying to find a new job so that I can focus on something other than the loneliness but I work in a very specialized feild where jobs are few and far between.And seasonal..which means virtually nothing in the winter.
I broke the bank and went to town on the weekend to actually go out on a date(or two actually)m I had fun BUT I am not interested in either man beyond friendship and I know that they are looking for more so it is likely to be just a one shot deal.
My biggest issues revolve around how intertwined my life is/was with BH. Love,friendship,my job,even where I live and now that he has walked away I feel so lost.Everyday is such a struggle. I vow to remain NC as much as possible( work only) and he is having no problems staying away.But I am so overwelmed with everything that goes with that. I heat my house with wood,cant afford anything else and he was the one who used to get me that wood.My house is old and needs lots of repairs,he was the one who had the tools and helped me with that.We like doing the same things but they revolved around doing them together,they arent things i can do on my own.When he decided he didnt want me as a partner he also ended all that I did at work so now I am pretty much unemployed and dont have money for even the basics like food etc.
I could go on and on .I am just so tired of the battle. Tired of getting up everyday and having to face yet more things to deal with alone.
I wish that just for once something would not be such a challenge., That I could stop having to be strong all the time and just be me for awhile
Why don’t you move? Do you have family to stay with? This is why giving it all up for someone is always a bad idea. Staying in a small town where the only connection is your ex is a bad idea. Why not go to the city an hour away for jobs and a new place? Even if you do something outside of your field for a while, you have to get some money to get the hell out of there. Work at something, anything to get some change together. It’s going to be very hard and lonely and upsetting if you can’t get out once in a while, but you truly need to consider pulling up roots and heading back to where you came from. It’s scary, I know, but I think you need to do that.
Thanks Susan, Hindsite Is 20/20 but I cant move. I bought this house because I couldnt afford rent,my mortgage was all that I could afford. I dont have any savings to fall back on so I am stuck here unless I got a job somewhere else first and could sell or rent this place out right away. I dont have any family to stay with. I am an only child and my kids dont have room for me.
I am willing to pull up roots and move ,I have no emotional connection to this place but the reality is that I can not. I Am looking for a new job,even went yesterday to speak to someone about it.
So I am in a place in my life where I have to figure out how to deal with the bed I am lying in.
One thing for absolute sure I will never put myself in this kind of position again.I have learned this bitter lesson.
I have been NC for six days. I have been reading a lot (blogs and books!) and I am more confused now than ever. He always did nice things for me, little surprises, encouraged me to try new things, complimented me, adventures, cooked for me, never yelled at me……but on the flip side of that was that on more than one occasion, probably more like six or seven, maybe even eight or nine, I caught him communicating with other women. In my opinion it was cheating, he always argued that he hadn’t slept with them so it was not cheating. Was his control that he did everything for me? I ate when he cooked, I tried new things at his suggestion, I dressed the way he liked, wearing the things he picked out. I am embarrassed to say that sometimes I feel like I have forgotten how to express myself, I am shy and withdrawn, I talk myself out of my feelings. Was that more of his control, he dictated how I felt? If he was happy, I was happy, if he was tired, I was tired, hungry, so was I. I am so confused, was what I thought a great relationship all being controlled/puppeteered by him, could that be true? I am absolutely stuck in this mind spin.
Just needed to get that out……WOW!
I totally know how you feel Susan. My relationship was run completely on what he felt, thought, wanted. I felt like I had lost myself. I controlled my feeling and emotions based on making sure HE was okay. That isn’t how a relationship is suppose to be… You are not suppose to lose your identity. You are suppose to complement each other not over shadow. I am glad you were able to get that out and realize how unhealthy it was.
Keep up the good work and be good to you!
Thanks manapink!
I haven’t updated in a while but I have been keeping up on the blogs and reading everyone’s stories. This is definitely a place of comfort.
Honestly, I’ve quit counting but I know its been around 3 1/2 months since the breakup and about 2 1/2 since going NC. I’m feeling really good. I can go most of the day without thinking about him at all. I might have little glimmers of memories or reminders but for the most part its gone. I think the biggest thing now is learning to rebuild my life afterwards, keep up with doing things for me, stepping outside my comfort zone and not being so worried about being alone forever!
After I write this I am going to go read Susan’s post about Why Do You Desperately Want A Mate? because sadly, I find myself thinking about it allllll the time. I just want to love someone and be loved back. Have that companionship and joy that a relationship can bring. But I know I have co-dependency issues that I need to work on and boundaries to set. Dating again is something I am going to be talking to my counselor about next week. The idea of it excites and scares me all at the same time. I’m 24 and have really never been on a “real” date. Like, a “I just met you” kinda date. If that makes sense.
We officially found out on Friday that my roommates got their job! They will be moving to Montana in 2 weeks and I will be living alone for the first time. Because I have been battling loneliness since the breakup I’m not looking forward to living alone. But I’m trying to have a positive attitude about it. This means I can get a cat! Ha
Yay kitty! If you get a kitten, she/he will keep you plenty busy, I assure you.
Reading your post was like it was ripped from my own journal. I read the post about desperately wanting a mate and my first reaction was, “yeah, I do.” I feel like I have such a deep capacity to love someone and I want to feel it reciprocated. I feel like I am addicted to the feeling of being in love, of feeling connected to someone. I miss the feeling of being wanted and desired, to know that someone thinks about me and cares about me. It’s like an addiction — I had a taste of what that all felt like and I want to experience it again and again. I fear that I will always be alone, never getting past short lived flings with men who always walk away and decide I am not what they want after all. I have spent so much time, the majority of my 40 years on this earth, asking myself what is wrong with me and why I am unlovable.
I don’t have the answer to that question. I don’t know why I perceive that I am unlovable. But I am trying to not let that negative train of thought drag me into that stagnant pool of self-loathing that I’ve already spent so much time soaking in. You get stuck in that pool of toxic muck and you don’t go anywhere.
This blog is a daily reminder that I have to keep going and that I have to battle those negative thoughts. I constantly have to remember to treat myself with kindness and compassion. My fear of being alone forever hasn’t gone away, the only thing I’ve been able to do is try not to focus on it and to focus more on the present so that I can over my past. I have no idea if this is the right thing to do or not. I realize I am going to have to address my deep seated low self esteem issues, but right now I am still trying to get through day to day. I feel like a pretty messed up person.
Dating can be very fun if you have the right attitude about it! Omg, I have had so many first dates, I cannot even count them all. On the first date, I always try to not have any hopes or expectation beyond getting to know someone and having a good time. The important thing is you do something you will enjoy on a first date. If a guy asks you out and it’s for something you don’t like (for instance, I don’t like hiking) and you agree to it just because you think it’s polite, you are pretty much dooming it from the start. Agree to somewhere that you feel comfortable, an activity you enjoy, at a time that works for you. Doing these things to set yourself up to have a great time, no matter who the company is, will enable you to feel comfortable and confident. When you’re ready to date, you will know it because you will look forward to the adventure, whether it goes well or not. Ever watch Sex and the City? Over the years, my dating life often resembles that show. It’s not necessarily a good thing, but I do have a sense of humor about dating and accept that it can be very hit or miss. Being able to laugh about it makes the “misses” easier to stomach. Hope that helps.
Having a very hard time of it. Trying to push forward, know I should, reading positive information, listening to well-meaning friends and yet I am so so sad & loaded with hurt after giving my whole being to this person and being emotionally decimated in return. I know all the signs are there….this is definitely the end….I am a realist and yet I am grieving. Saw a new therapist this morning who talked about trusting ppl vs liars & deceitful ppl and I understood and agreed with everything she said. My head says one thing; my heart another. She said “You will get there and I will help you. You are not quite ready to move past it yet.” I hate this man. He has continuously lied & betrayed me & refuses to take any ownership. I know it’ll never change. I say over and over per Susan’s suggestion, IT DOESN”T MATTER and yet I still want to prove my point to him about his lies. I’m strong one day & sad the next. Hopefully one day I’ll be writing to someone who is in this predicament telling my story.
Day 20 NC, three months since end of affair.
I’m doing ok. I’ve had a lot of recycling because I’ll be moving next month, and my place reminds me so much of him, and the area I’ve been living as well. I’m excited to be moving, but it’s also bringing up so much for me. Nostalgia, longing and pining, just feeling very anxious about the move. I’ve moved three times since coming to this new city, and every move has been strife with emotion. I’m moving away from something or someone constantly. I just want to stand still…
But…I really feel great about these changes and they feel…right. I am waiting to hear back if I got the apartment I want. The area I’m moving will be closer to downtown and I also will be getting rid of my car (very excited about that). Life in general (my health, my family) is really going well.
But to be honest, I haven’t been doing much “work”. I have slacked on the 12-step meetings and have not been journaling so much so lately this process feels like I’m “white-knuckling” it. Thankfully I haven’t heard from the BH at all but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. The urges are pretty strong lately (especially the weekends) but I have allowed myself to cry and let the feelings pass.
I need to do a lot more self-care. Been spending a lot of my weekends with family and have been feeling very overwhelmed. I always say I don’t know where I begin and end when my family is around. It feels suffocating at times. I love my family, but it’s too easy for me to rely on them as my sole source of everything. It’s not healthy.
I’m rambling. I hope everyone is doing well.
ps: Next goal: 30 days NC.
I think once you move you are going to start feeling a lot better. It a fresh start! I know I sure felt better afterwards because I had something that was just MINE. And it helped that he doesn’t know where I live or what I am doing anymore.
Keep doing the self-care. “Be good to you” has become my new motto for life and it is a very important part of the healing process.
Thought you all might get a kick out of 2 items I have listed on ebay:
http://www.ebay.com/itm/220939484888?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1586.l2649
http://www.ebay.com/itm/220939479161?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1586.l2649
Another step forward!
Yay, bonbons, for selling that stuff! Loved your ebay description, too!
That a girl!
Now I just hope they sell, because I am going to take the $$ & do something nice for myself… A massage, or a facial, or hair extensions, or all of the above! I am going to be my own Valentine!
Good for you!
That’s one reason I am having the women’s weekend right before Valentine’s Day, I hope all the ladies do this!!
Perfect, bonbons! I hope I will come up with something nice to do for myself that day as well.
Well, it’s been almost 6 months since the breakup and 5 months NC… feels like a century. The 8th time [in 7 years!] I left him (always for the same reasons: cheating online and who knows how else, and lack of real commitment).
I was doing a bit better overall as time passed, but still grieving, still a very lonely and empty life and few to no friends. My depression was somewhat in check but due to lack of insurance coverage I tapered off my antidepressant and I’m now a COMPLETE WRECK. I don’t know how I manage to keep it together enough to go to work, and thank god because I wouldn’t have a roof over my head otherwise.
The pain I feel is so severe that it’s back to struggling with not contacting him now, again. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!! I hate fighting this monkey on my back that tugs and tugs and tugs at me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I feel like this he seems like the only warm, kind, loving place that would relieve this horrible pain I feel. The only person that I really connect with. I miss his humor, his friendship, the loving little things he did for me, the fact he was there, the fact we GET each other in a way I don’t feel with anyone else. It horrifies me to think if I got sick there would be NO ONE around to help me, to bring me a fucking can of soup!! He used to look after me so lovingly.
I feel so alone and out in the cold. I have no inspiration for my pottery, I can’t seem to get myself to exercise at all, although I did sign up for bellydancing classes last week. I’m going to therapy, I’m back in Alanon, I’ve been going to Weight Watchers… I think I’m doing everything I can. I need to go back on meds and find one that a) works and b) the scumbag insurance will cover. Desperately.
When I feel like this I start going “wait, so how the fuck is this *better* than being with him????”.
But after 8 tries over 7 FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE and it being always the exact same, I can somehow manage to say “just for today… I won’t contact him”. Just for this moment.
I need all the support I can get right now.
I need to BELIEVE that “this too shall pass”.
But I have been here 7 times before already, so having any faith that I can get past this for good and experience something different in my life is close to impossible right now. I want to show myself though that I CAN TRUST ME NOT TO SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FOOT NO MORE. No more going back to him. But then what? This????? Can I ever find happiness again? Have I ruined all my chances to ever find happiness and a loving, positive mate to share my life with? Maybe accept I might never find what I’ve always wanted?????????????????
PLEASE GIVE ME SOME FAITH. Help me. Help me. Help me.
cf666..I feel much like you do. I sincerely doubt that I would be able to say No if he showed up at my door. But the very fact that He walked away without a blink shows me that it isnt going to happen.
I am sure others will be able to offer you advice, All I can offer is my support and understanding. I have only actually been NC for about two weeks but the last 14 months have been on and off and on and off .When we were together it was wonderful then he would walk away again and again.
I can feel your pain in your writing.. I feel mine as well.
Hang In there!
thank you sweetie…
cf666, you tried to make the relationship thingy work 7 times, didn’t work for you. At the risk of sounding rude, why don’t you put your persistence and energy into something that will be good for you?
Like the belly dancing class which sounds fun.
Like the exercise. Just get off your butt and do it. That’s what I tell myself anyway
Like the Al Anon.
Like the therapy.
Like the Weight Watchers. Doing it with others may just do it for you.
Like maybe doing pottery again. I wish I was that creative.
Have faith in yourself. Trust yourself that you can do it. You can, you know. Anyway, 8 is enough isn’t it?
Peace
cf666,
You sound EXACTLY like me 1 year and 6 months ago. Today I still hurt over the situation whereby my ex literally walked out of our 5 year relationship but guess what, the pain passed. Yes I would at that time would like to throw a few things at his head and ask him loudly WTF! but guess what, as time goes by NONE of all you are going through where it involves him would matter no more. The pain will subside, the anger will take place, the grieving and that whole process will take its course and then at the end of it all, you would look back and say that this was one of the best things that ever happen to you.
If hes with someone else now, then say Amen and let her put up with his rubbish YOU dont have to deal with anymore.
It took my ex exactly 5 months after we broke up to be in a new relationship and it hurt like hell because it showed that our 5 years together meant NOTHING to him and at that time when I tell you girl, I grieved, cried, cursed the ground that spineless ass walked on and now a year later here I am glad that we are not together. Just like your ex he was all sweet and sensitive and there for me when I was sick and blah, blah, blah and yet he still left.
You need to understand you have to value your self worth, you have to love yourself and give yourself the BEST this world has to offer. Just like you I was scared of ever meeting another man who would make me feel all wonderful and buttery but you know what, going through this I realised why the fuck do I need SOMEONE else to make me feel great??? I have to make me HAPPY and to hell with who dont like that!
You have one life! Look you have so many things to keep you occupied like moving, doing creative stuff like pottery and there are many other activities you can get into, for goodness sake buy a damn bike and go riding like I did! So fast forward to now, I am currently in a new relationship and I take a day at a time. I was single for 1 year and 3 months to be exact and then until I had gone through the whole process was I ready to move on. I still have moments of sadness where I do miss the BH, but its not a pining, longing type of feeling, its more of its ok, its a feeling and this to shall pass and I enjoy what I have now with my new relationship. So yes, you will find a new mate, but take care of yourself first and do what you want, surround yourself with your family and friends and know what everything happens for a reason.
To hell with that BH you were with, you deserve better!
Take Care
Yuma
So, I was just basically shuffling along trying my best and still maintaining NC. When I get a call today from a friend of mine who is a lesbian (which he obviously doesn’t know) and works as a counselor at the school my ex works at. (She and I are both counselors for the same district but at different schools.) My ex walks into her office yesterday and professes his love for her. He doesn’t know that we are friends. We have been exes for only a couple of weeks…I am dumb struck and so is she for that matter. I thought I would be crying but I’m not maybe that’s the shock of it all. It is just all too much. I was with someone who up to a few weeks ago was saying I was the love of his life and now he thinks he’s in love with someone else. I dealt with crappy treatment and tons of disrespect…he never loved me and is ACTIONS have always said that out as I see it now.
I want off his merry-go-round!!!
I am tired…I stayed on it for the year….but I want off and I don’t want to be on another one. There are certain places I still can’t go hiking since the bad memories of his temper getting out of control so that he’s yelling on the hike.
Very confused, numb, and frustrated!
Yogagirl,
He sounds like a complete confused jackass if you ask me. Say thank goodness hes out of your life! As for not going to the same hiking places, are there other places you can go and hike? Or try another activity which you can do on your own.
And plus why would you want a screaming jackass around you anyway? Dont be confused! Go out and celebrate that hes out of your life. Good riddance to confused jackasses!
Yuma
Checking in, one week in of no contact. Four months from the break up. The hardest part is not really having friends to talk to and feeling quite lonely. I miss her, no doubt, and this loneliness is rough. I know I’m doing well with no contact,but i just hope some good things come my way soon. I’m ready to move on. Just feel so lonely and feel held back by shyness.
Hi Dave,
Congrats on making it 1 week! That’s great!
I am super lonely too. I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have are busy working and have relationships/families that keep them busy 99% of the time. After my breakup, it felt like suddenly I was left with way too many hours to fill. Slowly, I am getting used to being alone again, but at first I had to actively find ways to occupy my time. Can you make a list of things that can help you pass the time on your own?
One thing that helped me in the beginning was playing computer games. It could absorb me for a couple of hours at a time and distract my mind which was nice. I also watched movies, started working out again, and focused on taking care of my kitten. I also decided to watch all 3 seasons of a tv show at once. And read the entire Sandman series by Neil Gaiman. All of that was fun to do by myself and really did take up a lot of time. Several years ago, after a breakup I decided to finally learn guitar and I spent most of my free time researching what kind of guitar I wanted, then going out to find a guitar, and then signing up for lessons. 6 months passed much easier that way.
There are lots of things you can do on your own to help fill your time with something enjoyable or rewarding. Just coming up with a list of things is a good start. In the beginning, I was very depressed and pretty much couldn’t do anything but sleep and cry. But if you are starting to feel as if you are twiddling your thumbs and you wish you had something to do, it’s time to take action.
Great post! I dont like computer games or guitar but you made me realise that part of the problem is that I have been trying to fill my time with mindless chores that left my” Mind” wandering.The loneliness is so hard to deal with especially here in the north during winter when getting outside is so hard.
I am thinking its time to pick up my paintbrush again and not to paint walls unless its a mural.
Thanks again
Like you, my mind is constantly wandering unless I find something to completely absorb me. I love to paint too! I wish I had the space for it (I live in a small studio apt.) Back in the day, hours would pass while I was painting or drawing and I would barely notice. Painting, or anything creative, is a wonderful idea and so rewarding.
I have the space,even have a room set up as a studio..kind of. But I havent had the inspiration to paint in the last two years. The last painting I did was for him so even that is a reminder.
I know what you mean about getting lost in it tho.
Looks like I will have to find new inspiration.
Since you have a studio set up, why don’t you research a different art medium to try out? Then, it won’t be something you last did “for” the BH.
Hey, Dave! 9 days now, NC, right? How are you doing?
It’s been a while since I’ve visited the forum. My personal life has just been consuming me. But I am glad to be back. My daughter’s therapy has been going along pretty good. It’s been 6 months since I ended things with BH but 2 weeks since we last had contact. My daughter fell into a deep depression because of the breakup so I reached out to BH to help with her therapy. For my daughter’s sake I’ve remained off and on in contact with BH; which has been difficult for me because I feel that every time I take a step forward in the healing process there is BH’s presence dragging me three steps back. Thankfully my daughter shared with me that she no longer feels the need to keep contact with BH. She said to me, “Mommy I don’t want to see him anymore. I feel that because he is no longer a part of my life he has no right to know what is going on with it.” I was so proud of her. She got the closeur that she needed and now she is ready to move on. In the last couple of months my daughter has come along way. Finally I feel that the two of us can put the past in the past and look towards the future.
I need your advice, though. I plan on sending BH an email and thanking him for being instrumental during my daughter’s healing process. His support has meant a lot, but that she is ready to focus on the future. She will always have a special place in her heart for him, and that we wish him all the best. What do you think???
The irony of all this is that I am working on the Relationship Inventory. I feel that it is a reflection of what once was and why it no longer is. I am eager to move past this heartbreak and to truly work on me, love me and spoil myself. I still have a long way to go, but I am so thankful for this community and for Susan. Thank you for allowing me to express my pain, anger, frustrations, disappointments, and my heartbreak.
Thank you!
I think that sounds like a very appropriate email to send, if you don’t feel you can tell him that over the phone. I think you had said before that he was not abusive towards you in any way, he just was not able/willing to commit, so I don’t see an issue with thanking him for helping your daughter through a tough time. I really admire that you put your own healing on the back burner so that you could take care of your daughter.
I am so glad you got back in touch with the blog. I had been wondering how your daughter and you both were doing!
Thank you, bluskye! I just sent the email. It’s a bit of a bittersweet moment for me. I am sad because it is officially over but glad that I am able to break free from the pain that was still lingering.
Thank you for thinking of my daughter and I.
I hope that your healing process is going well.
I can’t believe it. I just blew 70 days in one moment. I came home from my counseling session and was missing him so much.
I sent an email telling him I wished I were stronger and that I didn’t want to miss him but I do.
I’m so disappointed in myself. I’m usually so stubborn and it kills me to feel this weak. I can’t believe I did it.
So, I turn to you for the tough love I guess I need.
Be good to yourself and prepare yourself for some recycling, should it come up. You can resist this next time. Suggest you talk this over with your counselor at your next session and come up with a game plan on what you can do about all these feelings that are resurfacing instead of coming home and contacting the BH. Can you plan an activity or some time with a friend or relative for directly after your sessions for a while?
You did not blow 70 days! A lot of work and healing happened in those 70 days, which I may remind you is a huge number! You should remain proud of those 70 days!
So you broke NC. It happens. Many of us do and much more frequently, no one here will judge you for that. The important thing is to forgive yourself. Dust yourself off and go back to NC because you know it works. You are not starting over. Sit back and think about the work you still need to do. Ponder how it feels to break NC, what led you to it, and address those feelings and issues. It’s like you put your hand in the fire and afterward you said, “Yep. Still burns.” Don’t beat yourself up. You’ve been doing great and you will continue to do so because this is just a wobble.
Exactly! And my experience with counseling is that before I started counseling I was used to pushing all my feelings under the rug and the counseling basically forced me to go, “ooh, let’s have a look under HERE!” Well, what was under there was some ugly stuff that had me wanting to seek comfort in all the wrong places. My default setting was to want to run to the BH whenever I felt bad about anything–even when it was HIM I was feeling bad about–not that he ever made me feel better for very long. But, I could count on him for sex and that kept my mind off things for a while, anyway. So, I had to really dig in and find ways to self-comfort, instead.
Thanks, blueskye & Court.
I’m feeling less anxious today. I’m not sure what pushed me over the edge but I’ve forgiven myself for one moment of weakness and am moving on from here. He hasn’t responded, and probably won’t, which is for the best.
So, day 1 NC and I’m going to just stay focused on today.
Court –
I also wanted to say that I’m so happy to “hear” you “sounding” so strong. I was very worried about you when you first started posting but it is quite apparent that you are finding yourself again.
Thanks for the support.
Bandick,
You’ve helped me through harrowing times, it’s the least I can do to return the support! I also have good days and bad days. Days where I think, “yeah — I CAN live without him. I’m moving on!” And days where I think, “Omg, I miss him so much, I am going to be miserable and pining forever, I want to talk to him so badly.” I’m able to resist initiating contact but find myself caving if he contacts me first (email or text). It’s an issue but luckily has only happened a couple times since the breakup.
What I’ve learned is that although I’ve broken NC a few times by responding to him, what is stronger is the fact that I’ve gotten used to days where I do not have any contact at all. I can go days as if he does not exist on this planet and I can survive and keep going. Time has proved that I don’t need his presence to live and function and survive the crap that life keeps throwing at me. I might weaken and break NC once in a great while, but I find it minor compared to the fact that I am able to get through so many days without him. And that is how I feel for you too — you went 70 days without this person and that is nothing to sneeze at. Breaking NC once was a slap on the wrist, but use it as a tool to see how far you really have come.
So, I am sitting here having a bit of a cry. I had talked some the other about being disgusted with myself because of my chronic illness and not wanting to reach out to other people much. Well, today, I was once again struck by how incredibly kind most people seem to be towards me most of the time. A work friend hurt herself and is recuperating at home but lives about 45 minutes from me, by highway. I have a driving phobia since a car accident, and won’t drive on the interstate any longer–though I used to drive it all the time and have driven across the country. Well, I have been approached by two different people at work who offered to come and pick me up and drive me to see her, because they know I won’t drive there myself. One of them just sent me a message and said that also if I ever want to do anything, like go to the movies, or shopping, she would love to hang out with me, just let her know. This is on top of plans I already made with two other coworkers who convinced me we need to go out to the movies and dinner this Saturday.
I feel almost crushed by the weight of how kind people are being. It is hard to explain. Everywhere I turn, it seems someone else is being nice to me. I had to take my dog to the emergency vet with an injury and was told I was a rare person to be willing to pay the medical expenses of an old dog I found on the side of the road a year ago, and they gave me a deep discount on his medical bill, when I said nothing about the bill whatsoever. After spending those years with the BH being told I am not likable, it just is stunning to to be the recipient of so much kindness from others. It makes me so sad, in a happy kind of way.
I mean, I know back before the BH lived with me, I used to have friends and do things with them. But, I really never noticed before how people, even strangers, just seem to approach me with kindness. It has a surreal quality to me. I almost want to hide from all this. Something I just have to work on, I guess.
It’s the universe letting you know how special you truly are. Don’t fight it…embrace it
This will sound funny/ironic coming from me, but I think those feelings stem from self-esteem issues. I have made a lot of new friends this past year, & sometimes I find myself wondering why these people want to hang out with me?!? And of course that is because I have those much-discussed self-steem issues going on!
Just from the responses & support you have offered me & others on this forum, it is obvious that you are a thoughtful & caring person. I am sure your co-workers have noticed those qualities as well – so of course they want to hang out with you! And maybe the poor treatment we have endured in the past from BHs have conditioned us to believe that there are not very many kind people out there or people who want to spend time with us without some kind of “agenda.” HHHhhmmmm…
Enjoy your time out with your new friends!
When you are at your lowest, the kindness of strangers feels absolutely overwhelming. It happened to me a while back and I was moved to tears because I couldn’t believe that someone who doesn’t know me could care. It surprised me to receive so much compassion. It gave me faith that there is good in humanity and when you need it, you will get it.
Embrace it. Appreciate it. Allow it to warm your heart and then pass it on to others.
Court, I do appreciate it, but you’re right, it feels a little overwhelming for some reason. And Bonbons, I do know it’s a self-esteem thing, to feel a little weirded out by how nice people generally are to me. I absolutely have to work on being more social. Though, people seem genuinely astounded when I say that I’m shy. When I was married, I went out all the time, we had such a wide social circle, and I was very gregarious and entertaining, because my husband enjoyed me being that way and I felt bolstered up by his appreciation of that. But, I was always shy before I met him and still feel shy inside. I still can’t believe I bought the plane ticket to go to New York City to attend Susan’s recovery weekend. It’s very unlike me.
It was actually the kindness of a stranger that gave me the push I needed to demand the BH move out of my house. We had had some joint counseling sessions together and my therapist had been pretty much just begging me to get away from the BH, but I was digging in my heels. I just couldn’t believe I would fall for a sociopath, so figured my therapist got it wrong somehow. Things just kept getting worse and worse, though. I have detailed a lot of it before and hate rehashing it–but it was just very bad to my soul to be with this guy. He was constantly telling me I did not “deserve” nice treatment for one reason or another.
So, one day, I was at work, and the Director’s Executive Assistant (EA) had once AGAIN ordered a huge amount of supplies to be delivered on her day off. The Director couldn’t stand looking at boxes piled up in that area–so, even though it wasn’t my job, I always had to put the stuff away if the EA wasn’t there. The EA was very, very passive-aggressive and hated her job. So, I was dealing with her crap and dealing with the BH’s bad behavior at home. So, I am lugging all these heavy boxes around that day and a new student intern said to me, “Blu, I will carry those for you, if you want me to.” I said, “Oh, that’s okay, this is not your job” And he said, “Blu, as long as I work here, you will NEVER have to carry another box unless you just love carrying boxes!”
I went home that night and the BH had not bothered to tell me he was going out, did not answer his phone when I called him to ask where he was, sent me a damn text message at midnight that said, “OH, I guess I forgot to tell you I’m out” and then came strolling into the house, in brand new clothes (after telling me he had no money for his half of the bills for the second month in a row), at 4 a.m. and said to me, “Don’t I look gorgeous in my new clothes?” I thought how a complete stranger at work had been so nice to me and here I was letting this vile man jerk me around all the time and I said, “I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE IMMEDIATELY!”
That stranger saved my life, I really believe that!
This is all just proof that you must be a very lovely person Bluskye
Hi all,
It has been a few weeks since I have posted, but I have been follwing all of the the threads/posts, Other than 1 day I have had nc with my bh since January 1st. This morining I recieved a text message from him saying that he loves me so much, and that I never deserved how he treated me and all of the things he has put me through. That nothing is wrong with me, it’s all him and that he is a f up. That he thinks about how good he had it and now he is just a lonely, depressed man and that he wishes he could go back in time to do the little everyday things that we used to do and that he took for granted, that he never realized how special it was. He hopes that we can someday be friends…
While this gave me comfort, It has also stabbed me in the heart. I have been waiting for some kind of acknowledgement. Since his latest betrayal came out in early November, I have been waiting for him to show that he was sorry, to beg me for forgivness. He didn’t and it hurt so much. I felt like such a fool for trying so hard to make it work when he acted so unremourseful and noncommital. So, I have been strong since Jan 1st and only communicated with him after he sent me an alarming text a couple of weeks ago. I checked on him to make sure he was ok, he asked how I was and then he proceeded to make small talk. I replied a few times but then I stopped, knowing it was getting me nowhere.
After his text this morning I want so much to talk to him…to hear him tell me he loves me. I know it sounds so petty but I just want to feel like I was something to him…that he can’t imagine life without me. It pained me that he he he said he loves me so much but that he hopes that “someday we can be friends”. I wanted him to ask me if I would try agian, that to tell me he loved me and wanted to make it work. I am having a hard time being strong today. It is difficult for me not to respond because I know only too well what it feels like waiting for a reply. I know the answer, but am I right in not responding? I worry that If I don’t I will never hear from him again. I just want him to hold me one last time, to hear him tell me he loves me…
I feel like there was no closure. He cheated (again), and like an idiot I made one last ditch effort to make out relationship work. After multiple times of being shot down I gave up. We never officially said that it was over, we just stopped talking. And then he goes on to say I hope we can be friends someday. As much as I can not imagine my life without him, I can not imagine being “friends”. After 13 years, I feel like our relationship deserved a shot, or at the very least a proper good bye.
Sorry for the ramble…
Need strength and wisdom right now…
May-
You are not rambling. You’re in pain. You’re heart is broken and it will remain that way for a while. But the sooner you make the decision to move on and start the healing process the sooner you will get to that place where you can be happy. And it will…trust me.
I hope you find the strength in you to put you first no matter how much you are tempted to pick up the phone and call or text. One more call, one more text won’t make anything better. In the long run it will hurt more.
I’ll pray for you tonight.
Thank you Milisal,
I don’t know if you saw my post below but I did send one text (I wasn’t sure if I was going to send it or not but I accidentally did). While I am not happy with myself, it’s hard for me to be cold.I feel like not reponding would have been cruel in a way. I know I would be waiting for a response (kind of like I am now).
So instead of beating myself up over it I am going to applaud myself for being mature…a month ago I would have reponded right away, probing him to tell me he loves me and he wants to make it work. I am no longer going to beg for something that isn’t here. It is just going to take awhile for me to actually accep it.
Thank you for the reply, the kind words, and your prayers!
I didn’t nonetheless it’s done move on. I know it is easier said than done but trust me as each day goes by you will get stronger. One thing that has helped me is writting, talking, and texting a draft text. Yes, I draft my texts. Obviously never sending anything. Mentaly it allows me to get the desire of sending the text out. I leave it in the draft box and look at it later and then I delete it. Do those things and little by little you will get thru it. Susan has a great article on the site called, Why he doesn’t love me. Read it and re-read it. Somethings might apply to you and others won’t but it will make sense.
It’s been 6 months since I ended things with BH and I’ve had to remain in contact with him for the sake of my daughter’s emotional well-being. Early this year she told me that she didn’t want to have contact with him. She felt there was no need since he wasn’t a part of her life he had no right to know what was going on in it. This came from a 12 year old girl. All on her own, and with the help of her therapist, she figured it out. Last night I sent BH an email saying thank you for all the support he’s given my daughter but that she’s ready to focus on the future. And that there will always be a special place for him in her heart. His reply was, What does this mean??? Really? Although I felt the email was pretty self explanitory I could have responded in so many different ways, rather I chose to take the high road. I said that there was no other way to say it other than she found the closure she needed to move on. The difference between my daughter and the rest of us is that we don’t have someone saying these things for us. You need to search for that strenght within yourself. And its there, May…believe it or not you have it in you.
Milisal,
I draft my texts all the time! Unfortunately, my new phone is different and doesn’t save drafts in a seperate folder…hence the slip last night.
I’m sorry that you still have to have contact with your ex because of your daughter. I can’t imagine what that must be like. Hopefully now that your daughter has come to terms with not needing him in her life you will not have to communicate with him anymore. 6 months…that is something to be proud of! I hope by the time I reach the 6 month mark I can provide more support to others going through this, like you have done for me! Thank you!
One more thing…yes I read the article (When the person you love doesn’t love you) I couldn’t believe how much I related to it. It really hit home! I definitely need to re-read that one.
Have you read the book? If so you need to re-read the closure section. You don’t need “officially” over. He cheated and you’re done. Or you should be. Friend don’t treat friends the way he treated you. Time to make a decision and move on.
It doesn’t matter what he SAYS. Words are cheap and easy. Love is an ACTION. And his actions are very unloving. It’s dead. Bury it. Move on.
Hi Susan,
Thanks for your reply! Yes, I have read the book, but clearly I need to re-read it! I will be honest though and say that I have not completed all of the inventories. I don’t know what is holding me back but I know it is time to face them.
Of course you’re right…friends do not treat friends the way he has treated me nor can I believe the words that come out of his mouth. His ACTIONS have spoken and now I am listening!!!
I have a question for you or anyone willing to give advice… I am and have been extremely close to his family. I consider them MY family, my mom, my sisters etc. Is it ok, or appropriate to still continue having such close relationships with them. I feel comfortable talking to them on the phone and having girl weekends with my sisters, but for instance, they mentioned getting together for superbowl weekend. Is it ok/appropriate to still be doing family gathering type things without him and now that we are no longer together?
I would say give it some time. You need to uncouple and it’s not like SuperBowl weekend is great thing where you would be sorely missed. I would lay low for now.
Thanks Susan,
I actually just had this conversation with his mom. She invited me and I told her that although I want to have them in my life, and will continue to talk to them and see them, I didn’t know if it was appropriate for me to be going to their family functions. It’s one thing if it is just me spending time with one of them , one on one, but that I didn’t know if it would be awkward as a whole family. I think I hurt her feelings, as she said it will only be awkward if we don’t see each other. I told her I would think about it. This is by far one of the hardest parts of this breakup. I love his family so much, and am closer to them than I am my own family. It seems unfair to me that I should lose them too
Also, he wouldn’t be there. He currently lives a couple of hours away and I have always been the glue that has held him close to his family. He has been a bum for quite a while now and they credit me for keeping him in the family. If we were together he might consider it, but I don’t think he would go without me. For one thing, I know he wouldn’t want to deal with any questions about us. If I hadn’t gone to Thanksgiving and xmas, he said he wouldn’t go.
So, it is not an issue of spending time with them while he is there. It is more of an issue of continuing to play the roll of daughter and sister in family/ group settings. I wouldn’t even consider it if he were going to be there. This sure has got me thinking…what does the future have in store for me? Holidays? Birthdays etc…
Future holidays and birthdays? We don’t know, any of us. Opportunities for delightful surprise!
My ex bro & sis-in-law wanted to remain close to me when I left BH. I tried for a couple of weeks, then had to email them that I loved them & wished them well, but that I had to go NC to heal & move on. There is no way to maintain a relationship that doesn’t have something to do with your ex. Either he will be outright discussed, or be the elephant in the room. If you truly want to move on, you have to let them go, regardless of everyone’s good intentions, feelings, etc.
May,
I dealt with a similar thing. My brother broke up with his girlfriend last summer, and she and I were like sisters. We initially said we would stay close, and tried, but she discovered that contact with me brought up a lot of hurt about my brother, so she asked for some time to heal. She now texts once in a while to say she is doing great, and now that she has moved on, I can see she doesn’t want to maintain super close contact with me as I am a link to her past that she had to get over.
I totally understood this, supported this and still do. Sure I miss her, and especially now I could use a friend like her as I deal with my own attempts at recovery from BH, butI totally honor her need to take care of herself, and I tell her so.
REally supportive people will honor your need to do whatever you need to do to take care of you. Just tell them you need a little time……then see where you are in 2 months. It may not be an issue anymore.
Thanks to all who replied re keeping in contact with my ex’s family. I think I will take everyone’s advice and lay low for now, ie avoid family functions. However, I am not ready, nor do I want to have them out of my life completely. I just need to distance myself from the group settings.
Vision, I hope I don’t find that to be the case. I know that it may always be a little awkward (the elephant in the room), but I hope that as close as we are we can make it work! I’m sorry you don’t have your brother’s ex in your life anymore…I feel so lucky that I have had them in my life for the past 13 years and would be devistated if the shoe were on the other foot and they felt like they couldn’t stay in contact. I do see her point though, as much as you try there will always be that tie to her/their history.
Thanks again everyone!
Hi, May. I know your ex’s mom is hurt, but she is arguing pretty strongly … just wondering if she is respecting YOUR healthy boundaries right now. And curious; loving tho she may be, if she is not respecting your discomfort by saying her family will be uncomfortable if you DON’T come, that makes me wonder if your ex may have had his own boundaries violated a million times, and thus he hasn’t a clue how to respect the booundaries of others. (including you.)
If you feel you would be uncomfortable, uneasy, embarrassed, reminded of your ex, etc., then I would honor those feelings and NOT go. Your feelings, not those of others, are the single most important thing for your own recovery and moving on, if your feelings are based on self-respect and healing, rather than based on mourning and grieving.
Ok, so in my weakness I worked out a reply draft to his text. It said:
I want to reply just because I know how much it hurts when you get no response but I honestly dont know what to say. Your words meant a lot but at this point I don’t know what to believe when you say things. I don’t feel like I got the closure I deserve and then on top of it you add that you hope that we could be friends someday. I will always wish you the best in life but I don’t think we can be friends. After 13 years, it will be too hard.
It was just a draft..until I accidentally hit the send button. Being the over analyzer that I am I would have added and ediited. Damn me and my new phone that I am getting used to. I never would have purposefully had my closing sentence say that we couldn’t ever be friends.
Now I am sitting here wondering why he hasn’t replied (45 minutes) but then again, I didn’t reply to his text until 15 hrs later.
Ohhhhhhh May …. I empathize with your pain, wanting any relief, sending that email.
But I’m gonna be your “tough love” older sis here for a minute.
The guy sounds like a narcissist. And one very common thing that narcissists do is to start looking for new “narcississtic supply” to feed their egos, before their old relationship has ended. I am curious; has he maybe moved on to someone else (which started while he was seeing you, of coure) and that’s not working out, and he’s “fishing” in old waters (you) to get his “fix” till he moves on again?
I may be full of baloney on this one, but your post set off red flag alarms in me.
You may wish to read the book “Narcissistic Lovers” and see if it rings true to you. If so, then you will understand why he is “fishing” to get you back. The horrible and painful truth about narcissists is that they do not love us; they don’t have capacity for real love. Their words are just happy talk, not backed by action. (like repeatedly CHEATING on you!). They dump us without remorse, without looking back, without real introspection. And they frequently DO go back to old ex’s to get a “fix” till they move on again.
I am wishing you relief from your anxiety, your confusion, your sad hoping today. It is a very hard place to be in. You are so correct that you can’t be friends. Who would want ANY kind of relationship – lover OR friends — with someone who respects you so little that he would cheat on you multiple times?
Hi Tara,
Please feel free to play the tough big sister roll! I need it right now. I don’t know if you remember, but you replied to my first post about a month ago. You are right, in that even if I did get the satisfaction of talking to him, being held by him, being told he loves me, it would only be temporary. He is a repeat offender. This is the first time though that he has not fought for me. I think that is what has made it so much harder, I feel like he got the last word. That he was the one who ended it. Maybe he thinks I ended it, I don’t know. Without any official clarification of it being over, I have been left feeling very confused. Although he has cheated on me before, he has never broken up with me. I don’t know if he sent me that text out of sincerity or if like you said, he is getting his supply. A month ago he told me that they were finished and that she had moved on but I really don’t know the truth. It’s always one lie after another, so he could very well be in a relationship with her now, or someone else. The only part that makes me think he is not, is that he currently lives in a very remote area. If I really wanted to know, I could call her, but I have no desire to hear her voice ever again. I actually felt sorry for her when she contacted me on fb, thinking that I was his ex and wanting advice. When we spoke she was very nice. She said she would respect what I wanted to do and back off if I wanted her too. At first I told her she could have him but then I said I needed time to talk to him and see if there was any way we were going to make it work. I lost any respect for her when she continued to call and text him. He even got her a prt time job at his friends work after I found out bc he said she begged him and that he felt bad for her. So who knows what the truth is!!! This guy really is such a mystery. You would never in a million years see him as the type of guy to pick up girls. BUT clearly that has not been a problem for him. He cheated on me, and he cheated on the girl he cheated on me with!
Thanks again for your reply. I will try to continue working on myself and to build my self esteem so that hopefully someday I can have a healthy relationship!
May — thanks for the update! And if you do the work on yourself, if WE all do the work on OURSELVES, we can have healthy relationships with ourselves. I’m dealing with a lot of ghosts from family stuff, negative tapes up the wazoo. Am ripping up those tapes. (they’re old tapes, so I envision them as cassette, where I can literally rip out the yards of brown plastic stuff) But we need to stick with it!
I think the official declaration that it’s over has to come from inside ourselves. Saying “It’s SO over,” even if the pain and memories keep recycling.
And re: if you BH is telling you the truth or not? Does it matter? Because you would never, never know — based on his past — what is the truth and what isn’t. So you kinda have to presume that it’s all a lie, all deceit, ‘cuz there is no way to ferret out the little crumbs that may be true from all the lies and cheating. And that’s no way to live!
If his ex is going to take him back again, that’s her misery — congrats that it’s not YOUR misery!
Thanks Tara,
I am trying, as are you. All we can do is take it one day at a time! I am not going to lie and say that each day is easy, or that I have been strong each day. I have not initaiated contact on my end since the first, however I find it difficult not to respond when he does initate contact.
You are absolutely right that I could never trust that the words coming out of his mouth are the truth. I have learned that time and time again. I need to do what you suggest and declare it is over myself, but I am just having a hard time with that.
I like your attitude and ability to see towards the future! I will cheer you on as you continue to work towards a better relationship with yoursef too! It sure seems like you are in the right direction!!!
Mae, I’m writing again re your situation of wanting your BH to respond, tell you he loves you, and your wanting to be held. Very strong longing and yearnings, for sure! I’ve been there so many times … my last 3 relationships in the last 4 years have been with narcissists, tho, and I’m now more awake about my own needs. My bottom line is INSISTING on respect and honesty. Bottom line. Deep in your heart, do your instincts tell you that you can get this from him? And if not, is it worth going through the hurt yet one more time, to get temporary cessation from pain and yearning? If you do think it’s worth another try (I don’t!), pleeeeeeeze protect yourself sexually. This guy has cheated on you numerous times. Everyone he’s slept with, you get to “sleep” with too, in essence. If he wants a booty call and/or won’t wear a condom, ad/or won’t get counseling, then that’s even one more reason to see huge red flags about his real motives.
But the red flags are already waving furiously. Hopefully your desire to get back with him for relief of your pain will lessen over the next few days. NC really IS the only way through … you have lots of support here on this site for that …
In any case, you deserve a guy who respects you and who is honest with you. SO much better than getting the “hold-me, love-me” need met on a temporary basis! That’s a real need, yes, but being held and being told that he “loves” you, by this guy, won’t address that deep need in you. At least for very long. Your own peace of mind and self-esteem deserve SO much more, May!
This is a terrific post Tara. Nothing I can add. You said it all and summed this guy up as the ick he is! May, listen to Tara…she is right on the money!
I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who has written Amazon and B&N reviews for the book, tweeted posts, liked on FB and submitted posts to digg etc. I’ve had a lot of new readers tell me they read a post on twitter or digg or read the reviews on Amazon. It really really helps new readers who are lost and heartbroken to find us and that all helps. I know it all takes effort and I really really appreciate these efforts of our wonderful community. So THANK YOU.
I am having my first big mood crash. I broke NC on day 10, without even realizing till after that I was doing it.
A coworker came to me out of the blue and said “he loves you sooooo much”. This was wierd because she isn’t really a friend of his or mine. So my curiousity was hooked, and I asked what do you mean.
So it turns out he pulled her aside on Fri to tell her he loves me so much, that he wants a life with me (she has no idea we weren’t speaking already 2 weeks)…..and then he pulled out, she said, the most “beautiful” engagement ring and told her he’s going to give it to me because I deserve it.
He told her because he knew she would talk…..she is that type. He used her to get that information to me since we are NC till the end of the month. He is using something he knows I really want for my life (not a ring, but a marriage) to soften me.
I don’t want it, but the saddness is hitting hard. When I broke up with him last summer because of his meanness, we were NC for 3 weeks, he emailed daily, and one day he sent one that his plan had been to take me to Paris and propose there. I melted, and thought wow he really wants to make this work. I guess he figures that is my hook.
I want this behind me. Not just the relationship but the saddness.
I am reminding myself that this is the man that said numerous times that it is a huge blow to his ego to have to raise another man’s children. That my children would be a liabiility in his life because I haven’t saved a lot of money while I was raising them. That I am f*** up and I f***ed up everything in my life and everyone around me. That I don’t try hard enough.
I just keep telling myself NOT TO SPLIT HIM into good and bad parcels. THESE words are his.
OMG, vision — a friggin’ ring??? Based on what? I can see how it would jerk your chain hard, showing a lovely ring to a co-worker ((WTF??) tho. Is that when you broke nc? It’s okay to continue on… resuming nc.
The HUGE red flag in this is what you identified; imagine being engaged or married to a guy who 1) isn’t enough of a man to accept your kids (TOTALLY not ok, as you know!) – saying they are a liability and his ego can’t accept them; YUKKKKK; and 2) saying you don’t try hard “enough” and are f*’ed up. (um, really? Who is he to say that to you?) Total put-downs of both you and your children, tho he wants to give you a ring? Some mighty straaaaaange thinkin’ going on with this dude!
Huge manipulation going on here with the ring. And naybe, if he does have some good points, he is both of those parcels, as you point out. The troublesome side is very troublesome tho, and not worth the romance and love and engagement and marriage, methinks. Save yourself (and your kids!) for someone who loves and respects all of your family, without ego trips, without put-downs.
Thanks Tara!
No, I didn’t break NC with him….still no contact for eleven days now. I broke NC by probing into what he said to her, wanting to know the conversation. Wanting to know if it was, in fact, an engagement ring. All the while knowing I should say “it doesn’t matter” and walk away.
It opened up the sadness again, and the knowledge that I am losing what I thought I was building. Yes of course I am glad I didn’t marry him.
I need to get his awful words out of my head. I am not a f*** up.
Right on, girl – you are SO not a f**up! And it’s kind of secondary NC, to tallk to his colleague, at least it wasn’t directly with him. I’m sure the sadness is great, losing what you thought you were building — but those bricks were made of straw, and would have crumbled on toppa yo’ head, and you would have some lumps on your head. It’s such a disappointment, to put it mildly, to realize that what we put our hopes on wasn’t in the least bit real. But, we didn’t know what we didn’t know, and now we DO know it was just straw bricks. Smoke. Hopes and fantasy. Sad, but sadder for him ‘cuz that’s all he has to give to anyone in the future, while you are building up a woman of strength and character.
You’re in much the better place.
Dearest Vision2012,
Aside from the fact that he’s a complete A-hole to the nth degree and that you deserve more than a “ring”…like *ahem* a friggin’ amazing man who would never make you feel that you are any less than the wonderful person you are and would use his words and actions to LIFT YOU UP instead of tear you down. Yes, aside from all that, which is important, the fact that he views your children, your flesh and blood, the loves of your life as anything less than a BONUS to your relationship, well this makes him an A-hole times infinity and someone who doesn’t deserve to be a blurb in your mind. Children are NOT “baggage”!!! Being a self-absorbed narcissistic jerk-off with issues…now THAT’S baggage!!!!
I understand that you feel a sadness and a loss because you are indeed experiencing those things and sometimes it’s difficult to feel the strength to pull yourself out of that funk, but, hey! That’s what you have us for!!! Be good to yourself and be good for your children!
Hi Vision2012, so the tangerine guy has upped his ante by baiting you with a ring? Did he throw in a proposal at the top of Eiffel Tower as well? He’s a manipulative and narcissistic con man methinks, and somewhat of a twit as he thinks a ring will do it for you? Not now, anyway. Nah, you’re stronger now and you know it.
Peace
OH MY GOD. This is abuser’s remorse and manipulation at it’s FINEST. And it’s not even original. So many abusers do this.
And it’s so disrespectful to show someone something knowing she would go back to you. And tell her to STFU.
He was not good for you or to you and this is just more proof of the level of nonsense he will stoop to.
You are so much better than this. He’s a narcissistic idiot. Stay away!
This is so true. My mother was physically abused by my stepfather and she had an entire collection of emerald jewelry. He would abuse her, she would take us all out of the house and stay at a friend’s or relative’s and he would show up, pounding on the door, telling her how much he loved her and offering her a new emerald something or other. He would eventually lay it on so thick that she would get back together with him. I can’t look at emeralds without feeling sick and neither can she. I’m so proud of her for going to a women’s shelter and finding the courage to leave him 12 years ago!
Thank you everyone!
I felt bluesy during the day, but also felt strong as the day went on, knowing that I have the strength to honor myself over any dream that is dangled in front of me. My dream isn’t gone, its just I know longer have a face to apply to it. It is my dream once again, the dream of home, husband, family, marriage. I will be patient, and much more looking out for my best interest in the future.
I spoke to that coworker and told her that I don’t want any updates about him,,,,she agreed.
I also see that even this slight “breach” of my NC……curiosity about what he’s saying and doing…..is enough to bring me down, that my resolve is there but not rock solid yet.
So, today I complete day 11 of NC with him, and a big lesson learned. Several big lessons learned.
Thank you all so much for being here…..I never felt alone, not once today.!!
An interesting side note….when I met him he was getting a divorce. He told me they had had an up and down dating, with several breakups, and “when she almost gave up on me, I proposed.”
They had a huge (700 people) wedding, and 4 months later she left and filed for an annulment.
Those are things we should always consider red flags. She probably thought he would change because he gave her a sob story and she was getting her big wedding (lots of brides have their eye on the great wedding instead of actually being married) and he had to reel her back in.
Four months is not a long time to be married and it was probably really evident from their “several breakups” that it wasn’t going to last.
Be glad you escaped the same fate!
Vision, that is SO creepy. This guy proposes to his wife when he feels she’s “almost going to give up” on him. And then he comes along with this big flashy bling which he shows to your colleague, when he thinks (correctly, as it turns out – yay!) that YOU have given up on him.
So he buys his almost-gone women back with a ring! Jeeez. Or attempts to; it worked with the wife, for 4 months, but didn’t work with you. Yay! (You can buy your own bling!)
But seriously, it seems so objectifying of women, for this guy to think — twice — that he can “get a woman back” with a ring, after she’s almost (or is totally) gone. What the F is THAT about?
Actually, I’ll admit it. An ex from 20 years ago did that to me. We were very shaky. He proposes with a nice ring. We were engaged for 4 months or so, maybe less, I’ve conveniently forgotten. Then his pouty self-miserable self starts showing up, and when I didn’t go along with his self-pity, he said I wasn’t “on his side.” I admit I didn’t react well, but long story short, ended up flinging the ring into his oatmeal and walking out of the breakfast joint. End of engagement! End of relationship!
From here out I buy my own friggin’ jewelry. May buy something nice (inexpensive, but a little treat) for Valentines day. I’m an eBay junkie. Maybe a power stone, like an ametrine.
Reminds me of Rain Man “very shiny”
I buy my own jewelry too! Love the idea of treating myself for valentines day, for my birthday this month I bought an inexpensive pendant from ebay – amethyst for healing, i’m wearing it every day. Will have to check out ametrine, not heard of that one.
I’m on day 22 NC, three months since end of affair.
I’m feeling great. Big news: I got the apartment! I secured it today with a security check. I’ll be moving out in three weeks and the BH will not know where to find me! I feel scared and anxious but also hopeful and excited and elated.
Anyways, one of my many distractions these days has been a TV show about vampires. It’s a bit campy but it’s riveting nonetheless. What I’m realizing though, is how much I’m learning about my relationship with the narcissistic BH from a show about vampires. The comparisons are not far-fetched. Several of these vampires don’t take no for an answer, they are predatory and territorial over their romantic interests and are selfish and self-centered. When these vampires come back for their conquests, often times a lot of pain and drama follow. It’s both painful and annoying to watch. Annoying because I’ve read all those dating advice books that say “never call a man” or “never pursue a man” – so I don’t. And I’m pretty strict about it. But then I meet these vampires who are unwaveringly persistent. The “I don’t want to be in a relationship” man suddenly turns into my boyfriend because even though I keep saying no, he’s waiting around for a yes. The married BH who was my teacher kept violating my boundaries until one day I gave in (I am not the victim here, I realize I choose him, but I’m describing this unhealthy dynamic).
I don’t know. I’m not sure my point here. I guess it’s that by watching this vampire show, the way they glamorize this type of love, I just feel all over the place. I’m from the “He’s Just Not That Into You” generation of letting a guy pursue me. But when do you know if your boundaries are being violated? Why is it that shows like these romanticize this prey/predator type scenario? That a woman literally must give everything of herself (even her blood) if she loves a man?
What I hate the most is that I find these shows quite romantic! The vampire who keeps going after the girl who rejects him. I find it romantic?!
I do want to be clear that I don’t find my BH’s actions (calling me incessantly and showing up at my place uninvited) romantic at all. I see it for what it is: stalking and harassment. But…I do believe in romance. I’m just confused as to how it’s supposed to feel/look/be.
Anyways…just something I’m thinking about.
Lovelygirl, I’ve also read comparisons of vampires to narcissists. (in “Narcissistic Lovers”) Totally without remorse, biting to get what they need, draining you, moving on to the next victim. I am puzzled as why this whole vampire thing is considered sexy.
Is it wrong that I want to know which vampire show you’re watching? LOL!
Vampire Diaries! I’m totally and utterly obsessed…
Pursuit and stalking are too very different things. Pursuit is romantic and playful whereas stalking is maniacal and sick.
Pursuit is “Hi, I’ve been thinking about you all day.” Stalking is “I won’t give you a minute’s peace until you pay attention to me.”
Pursuit is about you and how wonderful you are. Stalking is about him and how twisted he is.
Woo-Hoo! It has been 8 whole days of NC. I almost blew it last night. When I got home from work the anxiety and pain hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to call or text him (not exactly sure what I would’ve said), I was so afraid that he wouldn’t respond or answer, and then I thought, what if he does answer, how will he be? I realized that if I did call or text I would most definitely feel worse, no matter how it turned out! It was rough but I managed to talk myself out of it. It was a long night with disruptive sleep. I felt like I had been hit by a truck this morning, I am exhausted. I am waiting patiently for the day to be over so I can go home and curl up on my couch and watch mindless TV. I feel like I am on auto-pilot. I haven’t cried once since the night he left (Jan 2nd). With the exception of last night, I haven’t really felt anything. It is so weird. Maybe I am in denial, like this isn’t real? I don’t know how or what to feel, I am completely numb. I am procrastinating on the relationship inventory. I have looked at but not sure if I am ready to face all of those truths/untruths about our 4 years together. I am going to try to make it my goal to start his weekend. Does anybody have any suggestions on how I can muster up the courage to get started?
Awesome, Susan! Good work, tho it sounds like it was very hard. Still, you did it !
I’m wondering — if your numbness from last night is very strong now, can you just be good to yourself and not think about the relationship inventory for a couple of days tilll you are ready? I am guessing your mind will work on it, and when you are ready, you will be able to sit down and start it.
Good for you! I like your self-comforting idea of just watching mindless TV, and go to bed early … try to get some good rest.
You don’t have to start immediately. You might just want to read the rest of the book, including what’s AFTER the inventories first and then slowly work into it. It’s still early for you. Don’t push yourself too hard too early.
Word of the day: PERSEVERANCE!!
Thank you Tara! That is a great idea to just take it out of my head for a few days…..let the sting go away and then start fresh!
It is inspiring to hear positive feedback/suggestions! I can’t wait to get to a place where I can offer the same! I also hope that I can soon start posting more and be able to chime in on others posts, it is so awkward to express myself, makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable, talking about my feelings and on the flipside I don’t feel like anything I have to offer would be helpful at this time…..I am most certainly going to try though!
Thanks again!
Perseverance! Yes!!
I keep re-reading this great saying I have on my fridge, by a Western Buddhist (Wes Nisker) who says:
“I haven’t learned to control my thoughts, but I’ve learned to ignore them.”
They’re just thoughts. They come and go. (yeah, easy to say, I know, but it’s true if we can just sit with ‘em and say “That’s just a thought. It’s based on yesterday. Or tomorrow. It has nothing to do with what I’m doing now, or with reality.”)
When I first started doing mindful meditation, I did it the way I was taught…to watch the thoughts go by and just sigh and think “Silly mind….” in a very zen way. Over the years more of my Bronx upbringing has crept in. Now sometimes I have these deranged thoughts (yes, it still happens to me after all these years) and I think, “Whoa, that thought right there…that’s f’ing stupid.” I LOVE LOVE LOVE not being attached to what craziness can spring up at any time. My mind is like dreaming while awake…it’s just a hodge podge of stuff and sometimes the stuff is crazy. But over the years I’ve learned to say “Jeez, that’s a pretty stupid thought.”
My Psych 101 teacher used to say that the difference between crazy and normal is that crazy people act on their weird thoughts instead of shrugging them off.
I grew up with crazy people acting on their weird thoughts. It was very hard for me to know what was real and what wasn’t; what would get me yelled at or beaten, and what wouldn’t. EEEEEK My sister has told me at least 4 times that she’s “clairvoyant” about four separate and unrelated instances where she was certain I was talking about her behind her back. Not true in any of these circumstances! She not only has believed her erroneous thoughts, but she’s acted on these “clairvoyant” thoughts and cut me out of her life, pretty much. Sad.
A very good book on believing our thoughts to detrimental ends is “Who would you be without your story?” by Byron Katie, a remarkable woman who helps us look into the self-talk, the “stories” we tell ourselves about our own selves and about other people. It’s very refreshing and eye-opening!
Mindfulness meditation has really helped me. It’s very liberating to just let the “movie of the mind” roll out its stupid little scenarios and thoughts and feelings, fleeting and coming and going, and just watch ‘em on the silver screen of my brain. One thing I stopped doing with my ex in my life was to meditate daily, and I’m getting back into it, just sitting there. As my sangha (meditation community) teacher says, “Just me sitting there with my dumb old thoughts.” I find I get less reactive to things, and sometimes can just hang with the feeling of the emotion, rather than getting hooked back into the “story” and the dialogue (imagined, of course) behind it.
WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! My jewelry sold! Party time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I still have a Movado watch that was over $800….. I would love to trade it in for something I pick out for myself. I guess I need to find a reputable jeweler…. Meanwhile, =) =) =)!!!
YIPPIE, Bonbons! You got money, something usable, from this stuff! And got rid of the memories. The items will not have his bad karma on them, and can be used in good faith by those who bought them. The bad karma disappeared when you got rid of them. Yay!
Now, what are you going to do FOR YOURSELF with the moola?
Hey everyone! I am coming to my GPYB family for some advice…
Last night I met someone for the first time in person that I met online. We met at a really busy park in town and walked around the lake and talked for about 2 hours. He seems really nice. He is super smart (2 Bachelors degrees and working on his Masters), very outgoing, a little older, and funny. I wasn’t SUPER attracted to him tho. He kinda has a Chris Daughtry look to him. Facial hair and bald by choice. (I think Daughtry is WAY hot but this guy just couldn’t pull it off like Chris can) We just talked and got to know each other. The hug at the end was kinda awkward tho.
So I don’t know… it went well. I just wasn’t feeling it I guess. Like there wasn’t that “WOW” factor that I would expect to have with someone that I would want to pursue something further with. I just don’t think I’m ready yet. Its not that I’m still hung up on my ex, that is TOTALLY not the case. I think I am just still finding myself. I need some more “me” time and just enjoy it without the pressure of getting to know someone. Its just hard work that I am not sure I am ready to put in right now. I’m still working out things career wise and finding out what is going to truly make me happy. I don’t want to just fall off the face of the planet with this guy because he was nice and I think he deserves at least a “Hey, I’m just not ready” explanation.
Any advice on how I should go about this??? Did anyone else feel this way when they started dating again?
I, too, am doing online dating, and no sparks. Well, some sparks a few months ago with a guy who is kinda attractive and totally compatible with interests and values, on paper … but he’s all about himself, and rarely asks anything about what I’m doing etc., so we’re just gonna remain casual acquaintances.
Other guys I like, but “not that way,” and if I want to continue to hang out with them to go to a concert or play, I’ve said “I don’t think this will turn into a romance, but you’re fun to hang out with, so let me know if you’d still like to occasionally do things together, like go to an opera,” etc. Then they can decide if they want that kind of relationship or not.
But if there’s really nothing there … you can say “thanks for the meeting. I don’t think we’re a match, and I wish you the best in finding someone else really terrific.” (OK, equally terrific!!!!)
I don’t know whether I’ll meet a guy with sparks or not, but then again, when I’ve gone after sparks, my hair has burned off into spikey points, and that’s not so cool. I’d be happy with “he’s reasonably attractive, and fun / intelligent / genuinely nice — so far — so I’ll continue to see him till I can tell if it’s never gonna develop into anything.” And some guys I’ve gone out with 3 – 4 times before realizing that it never is going to develop into anything. That’s OK!
So manapink, don’t worry about whether there are current sparks or future sparks, right now. But if you say you’re “not ready,” he may come back with “then why the heck are you online???” Maybe saying “I just don’t feel the right click, but you’re a great guy, and thanks!” which gives you room to still be “ready” but just not with him. Whaddya think?
Thank Tara!
That is what I was afraid of… to tell him “I’m not ready” and have him come back at me with “then why are you on a dating site”. Which maybe I should be asking myself that question too?? I don’t know if its really that I’m not ready or just wasn’t feeling it with this guy or that it was my first time ever doing this! I don’t know. I figure I will see him a 2nd time and see how I feel after that.
I am super new to this whole dating thing. I’m 24 and have had 2 serious relationships with people I met through school or someone else. While I was single I was so wrapped up in school that I didn’t really focus on my love life. Now that I have graduated I am just working through this whole new experience of socializing that I never had to do before. I never realized how much school and sports was such a major factor of my social life. Now its hard work!
You don’t have to be ready now but STOP looking for the WOW factor on a first date. The fact that it’s not there is probably a good thing.
I’m not saying this guy is relationship material or you are ready or anything but healthy love is quieter, softer, gentler than dysfunctional love. It grows a lot of times.
That being said I know that Michael felt the wow when we met but I did not. I thought he was amusing and cute until the second date when he tried to not kill a raccoon. Without that raccoon incident I could have easily seen us on 3 or 4 dates before I realized what a great guy he was.
I don’t know if he would have gone to 3 or 4 without feeling wow, but I LIKED his company. I had been on plenty of 1st dates where I was bored to tears or I just thought there was something creepy in this person that I couldn’t define. With Michael I found him amusing. Not as in laugh out loud funny, there was just a “make me smile” thing about him.
I think it’s really important to OBSERVE you and him and the atmosphere and take away from it what’s going on and why.
When you say “wow factor” what do you mean? That heart thumping or swept off your feet or something? Very important to define it and know what other things can cause it to seem that way.
Also what are you looking for and what would be a “something” that would make you continue to see him?
Are there any red flags? If so, what? Use these two dates as a learning experience if it goes no further.
When I say “wow factor” I mean the “make me smile thing about him”. I’m not looking to be swept off my feet by any means. I just didn’t feel anything at all. Maybe using the term “wow factor” is too extreme of a statement. I guess I am just looking for something that will catch my attention enough that I will want to continue getting to know him. Where I will like his company. And I just didn’t feel that.
That is why I questioned whether or not I’m ready or if its just the fact of not being into the guy. Like I said below, I’m new at this so I’m sure I am over analyzing it WAY too much. I just want to be doing this right, ya know? I can’t think of any red flags at the moment. I will probably give it another try and see how I feel then. Now that the awkward first meet up is behind us.
I’ve done quite a bit of online dating on and off over the years and I would say that 85% of the time, I don’t feel any “chemistry” with the person I just met or there is some other incompatibility and it never goes anywhere. That is a huge percentage if you think about it. I try not to let it get me down. In fact, whether I am attracted to the person or not, I generally manage to have a good time on the date because I like getting to know people.
Even if I am not totally physically into a person, if there is something intriguing about him, I am game for another date if he also agrees. But online dating is very hit and miss and there’s no way to predict how well it will go. Chemistry definitely does not always indicate a good fit. A ton of guys who never ask me out on a second date still try to kiss me or sleep with me on the first date. I’m average looking and overweight, it’s not like I walk down the street and turn heads. These guys don’t care how I look or who I am, they just want to get laid. They might lunge for you at the end of the date and maybe you might feel some chemistry, but then you inquire about meeting up again and they disappear. There’s nothing to do but shrug it off.
Often, I’ll meet someone where nothing at all is clicking. It happens. I make the best of it, try to enjoy the fact that I am outside in the world and having a conversation, keep it as brief as I can and let it go. On the bright side, I’ve come away with some pretty good stories from dating disappointments or disasters.
Don’t put high expectations on a first date, especially with online dating. Like I said, over the years at least 85% of my initial meetings went nowhere. Out of the 15% where there was a spark, only half of those ever progressed into a 2nd date. Based on that, it means I only make it to a 2nd date with 8% of the men I meet but usually never further and only 3% turned into short or long term relationships. The numbers are not on my side but I have kept doing it because it’s better than no chance at all. And I have a good time when I am out, even if it doesn’t go any further than the first date.
Do it just like you said it….”Hey I”m just not ready to start dating again. It was really nice to meet you.”
Since you just met, and don’t owe him any more explanation, even a text to that effect would be appropriate.
Thanks Vision,
You are right, I don’t really owe him a deep explanation if I tell him I’m not ready. When we were talking I briefly mentioned how 2011 was a challenging year for me personally (I didn’t go into detail of course) so I know he would probably understand.