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Honestly, I don’t know how I feel sometimes. It seems that my days are a roller-coaster of emotions. I’m trying really hard to maintain positive thoughts and be present in the now, but it’s a struggle. Add to that, attempting to keep my anxiety at bay–I feel that I’m so easily overwhelmed emotionally and have to remind myself that I’m in control of a lot of what I’m anxious about. I know I’m doing better now at handling it all because of the tools I’ve acquired and of being more aware of it, but damn! It sucks that it’s such a constant struggle! Really…it’s exhausting!!!
I hope everybody else is doing well!!!
I’m doing okay. I haven’t really pined for the BH or missed him in ages, which is really nice. Mostly I’m just really angry at him, which is better than pining, but in some ways just seems like a different way of obsessing. I did the relationship evaluation thing awhile ago but haven’t had a chance to sit down and write a letter to him so I think I really need to just do that and get some of this anger out. I can’t wait till I get to the point where I don’t care any more about the stupid things he did to me, but my head still feels so screwed with it’s hard to let go.
There’s a lot on here about very clearly terrible behavior and my BH didn’t cheat on me or disappear or do anything dramatic he was just incredibly confusing and it’s left me unsure of what’s what. For example, the reason we broke up was because he confessed that he’d been having doubts about our relationship and whether or not he wanted to be with me for months. But that entire time he never said anything to me. He continued to sleep with me, enjoy all the perks of a relationship, tell me he loved me and make plans with me, all while having these doubts. So I asked him if that meant he’d been lying to me the entire time and he got super offended like how dare I accuse him of such a thing. All of which leaves me thinking: did he really lie to me? He certainly led me on and failed to tell me the truth. He was confused, okay, but why didn’t he say anything? Would that have been so terrible? As it is I just feel used. If I had known what was going on there are so many things I never would have said or done. I would have backed off emotionally instead of letting myself get more and more attached. Sigh.
SLK—I can totally relate to your scenario as it’s pretty close to mine. My BH never cheated on me abuse me (verbally or emotionally); in fact, he was a pretty stand-up guy (was very good to me, viewed my son as a bonus to our relationship, etc), BUT we had communication issues (which is part of the foundation of a good relationship). Just like your BH, mine apparently began to doubt whether or not he saw a future with me. For him, it was based on certain behaviors of mine that bothered him, but he never told me about (he just thought he’d get over them–his words). I can sympathize with how you’re feeling. Whenever I find myself getting angry at him, it’s based on the “Why the HELL didn’t you tell me you felt this way???” I feel like he took away MY choice to say “I can work on these behaviors” or “Sorry, this is who I am, so perhaps we need to go our separate ways.” It’s a crappy situation, and we’re going to have a bunch of different feelings at any given time, but we have to know that regardless of why we’re in the situation that we are in, we will get through this. Now is the time to take care of ourselves.
“I feel like he took away MY choice to say “I can work on these behaviors” or “Sorry, this is who I am, so perhaps we need to go our separate ways.””
Wow, Natalie, that is exactly how I feel. It’s like he took away all my power in the situation by keeping all that to himself. I think it’s why it’s been easier for me to walk away from him than it has been for a lot of people here. It was so hard at first, but walking away felt like the only choice I had left that was truly mine. Anyway, I’m so sorry someone did the same to you. It’s a very unfair position to be put in. There were a number of things I did that I suspect my BH secretly resented me for and a few things he told me about after, which really sucked. But if he had really wanted things to change he should have said something. The only thing I can think of is that he didn’t care enough. Sigh. I wish people weren’t such cowards.
You make an excellent point in that we do have control of ourselves and the choices that we make. For example, my resolve to stay NC even when he attempts to reach out to me (which luckily is not often) and to make it clear to our mutual friends that I do not want to know how he’s doing–these are my decisions. Like yours, my BH told me after the break-up the things that bothered him, which really, in my opinion, should not have been deal-breakers. Also, what’s the point of telling me this AFTER we break up??? It’s funny that you use the term “coward” because that is exactly how I view him…a coward who didn’t care enough about our relationship to have that conversation with me before he got to the point he did.
I’m sorry that any of us have to go through break-ups, but unfortunately, that’s part of life and life as a whole should be wonderful…even with the sprinklings of BHs that weasel their way in.
Checking in:
It’s my first week unemployed again after the rough 2 weeks at the job with the creepy boss. I was so relieved to be out of there and away from him that I vowed to make the most of my time off until I find a new job (again.)
On Monday, I started an exercise program called Insanity by Beachbody, the same company that created P90x. This is the hardest cardio program ever created and is no joke. Even the best athletes cannot keep up with it. However, I am going at my own pace and doing what I can without passing out. I have not sweat or ached this much in years. I moan a lot, especially walking upstairs, but it feels good. I feel that I am working on making myself stronger physically and I hope that it gives me additional inspiration to be stronger emotionally/mentally too.
Next week, I have an appt with a tattoo artist to get a splash of cherry blossoms done behind my left shoulder. I am terrified or needles and pain which is why I have been too scared to do it before. I now believe that a little pain for a few hours from the tattoo needle will be nothing compared to the last few months of pain getting over my breakup and all the other crap life threw at me.
As I work on improving myself, I find myself feeling sad because I want to share my achievements and positive attitude with the BH. It’s difficult to stop myself from reaching out but I keep reminding myself I do not want or need validation from him. Holding back is hard, though. It’s uncomfortable. I feel very lonely lately without someone to share things with since my friends are not very responsive. The loneliness has caused me to break down in tears several times in the past couple of weeks. The feelings of loss and sadness persist, but I am reminding myself it is part of the process.
Thanks to everyone here who has been so supportive so that I get that pat on the back without giving into the habit/compulsion of telling the BH. It feels strange to me that I am actively trying to take care of myself and make my life better but I still cry from sadness every day. Still, I have to acknowledge that just a couple months ago, I was having suicidal ideation, lost my marbles, and couldn’t eat, shower, or leave the house. At least I’ve progressed from that stage. I couldn’t have done it without Susan’s posts and everyone in this community. Thank you.
Court,
Like I wrote the other day, you have already made major strides. I worried about you quite a bit in the early days and I’m so happy to see how much happier you seem and how much support you are able to offer to others here.
I have also been thinking about a tattoo lately. I’ve got a sea turtle on my right shoulder blade that is about 20 years old (a high school graduation gift to myself) that is severely faded. I’m trying to think of how to revive it and add on something that will help me remember this growth period. The only thing holding me back is that it means I can’t donate blood for a year.
I’m still struggling with trying to eat on a daily basis, so I’m trying to work that into my self care like I remember you did in the beginning when you’d make yourself some fabulous meals. I used to like to cook and now I live on pb&j and smoothies for the most part.
Reviving or transforming your turtle sounds awesome! You may not be able to donate blood for a year, but it’s only a year. Perhaps think of it as a symbolic way of not giving away any of yourself for a while as you heal your heart. That when a year passes and all of this is further behind you, you will have something to literally give others.
I still make fabulous meals! When I am working, I try to plan 1 meal that is awesome on the weekend when I have time and energy to spend in the kitchen. Unemployed, I have the luxury of doing it 2-3 times a week. Tonight, I made homemade wonton soup. It’s sort of comforting to stand there and fold the wonton dumplings. I’ve done it so many times, I don’t think about it, like knitting. I can do it fairly quickly if I am just feeding myself.
If you are interested in reviving your interest in cooking, I would love to help in some way. Usually, I get inspired by something I see on tv or come across online or just a random craving. It might be fun to make something you never made before. Like no-knead bread! You dump the ingredients together and don’t touch it. It sits there and grows like a monster in a bowl for like 18 hours and then you throw it in the oven. When it comes out, you have an artisan bread that is perfect for PB&J, but even better warm with rich real butter. There are tons of videos and blogs about the no-knead bread recipe to show you how it’s done. I’ve made it 2-3 times and the first time was a disaster because I had too much water in it, but it still came out fine.
I used to cook so much for the BH that it was difficult at first because even my meals reminded me of him. I still can’t bring myself to make his favorites yet. So it’s become a necessity for me to try new things in the kitchen, dishes that have no connection to anyone or anything.
Also, one last bit of encouragement here… we all say every day how we need to take care of ourselves. You deserve good food, a variety of wholesome nutrients to make you healthy and strong. Think of whole grains, lean protein, and perhaps something sweet as a treat where you can control the sugar content and no preservatives. If I could cook for you, I would. Because you deserve to nourish your body with love and care as well as your soul.
Court,
First of all, you should be EXTREMELY proud of yourself for taking the initiative of taking care of yourself not only emotionally, but physically. I’ve heard from very fit friends that the Insanity program, well…it’s insane!!! So, BRAVO to you for that accomplishment!!! Don’t forget that exercise releases endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin, AND dopamine—ALL feel-good chemicals—so you are on the right track.
Secondly, I think the tattoo idea is inspiring. It will be a constant reminder (like a tap on that shoulder) that like what the cherry blossom symbolizes (the transience of life), that you have the strength to weather anything that life may throw your way.
I, as we all, understand the sadness that you feel. I find myself having a bit of a cry here and there, sometimes out of nowhere, and I just view it as a purging of sorts—I’m just getting all that poison out of my system…and I move on. I allow myself those moments, but I don’t allow myself to dwell on them.
Wishing you all the best!
Court, I wasn’t on this site when you were first struggling, but I have taken immense strength from your articulate observations and your consistent self-respect.
The fact that you called my ex a douchebag has been so great! I really do thank you for that. I’ve been saying “you’re a douchebag” over and over today as I ran my errands. It’s stronger than anything I’ve called him (other than a-hole), and I loved your fearless tell-it-like-it-is response. You have eggs, girl! (the female version of balls)
The tattoo will be a beautiful sign of yourself blossoming as a strong woman, a beautiful person, that can, as Natalie so wisely points out, weather the transience of things thrown at us in life.
Thanks Tara! Your ex is a total douchebag and a foul excuse for a human being, it is appalling that he would say those things and I am so glad you are rid of him. There is no one on the planet who wouldn’t back you up on this 100%.
Thanks, Natalie. I cannot seem to shake this palpable feeling of loneliness lately. But I hope that it will pass eventually. I really like the idea of your tears as “purging the poison!” Yes! When I think of it that way, it feels like crying is a good thing and that I am physically ridding myself off the toxic remnants of the BH and that relationship. Thanks for sharing that, I think it’s going to really help me get through the bad days.
Court, you give encouragement to many of us on this site, let us support you in return. It’s hard when you have no-one to share the good things in your life, share your achievements with us! We appreciate how hard it has been to get to where you are now – well done on all the progress you are making!
Let us know how it goes with the tattoo – I’m thinking about it too, but put it on hold as the BH didn’t approve, he had set ideas of how his partner should look. Maybe if I hear you could dod it, I could be brave enough to do it too.
Thanks littlefox, it does help immensely that I can come here and receive such useful and sincere feedback. I don’t know what I would do without this community. Probably wither in bed and watch my life fall apart. I’ve decided to just journal, come here to vent, and let myself cry as much as I need to. I hope that I cry so much that I won’t have any tears left. Tuesday is my tattoo consultation and I am looking forward to it, it will be the boost I need to change my mood. Thanks for being interested and supportive, I look forward to coming back here to tell you about it!
Hi Court.
I can totally relate to wanting to share your growth and acheivements with someone. But I must be at a different stage than you, because I do not want to share them with BH – after all of his dire predictions of how he said my life would turn out if I left him, I just want to be like, “IN YOUR FACE, A-HOLE!!” But even that desire is fading… Now & then I still hear that tape of all of the BS he spouted at me to try to keep me from leaving, and some of his statements hit close to home, believe me, but if I have learned anything from this whole experience it is that I (&/or no one) can predict the future, and you never know what is just around the corner – who you will meet, what opportunity will present itself…
So like others have said, share your acheivements with US! I love to read your posts – they are honest and interesting and often entertaining.
Hope you have a great day – and send me a +vibe+ & think about me ziplining through wine country – and that is Carolina wine country, not California – if I was in California, I would not be complaining about where I live, LOL!
Thanks bonbons, you are in my thoughts as well! I’m so glad I can come here and share.
checking in. i am doing fine i guess.. trying my best to be better in the small ways i can.. it’s like i’m just going with the flow wherever it’ll take me.
Hi konigirl -
I have also had to surrender to just going with the flow. I have always been a planner, so it has been hard for me, but I have let a lot of BS go & it definitely makes life easier – and sometimes more interesting!
I set a six month post break up countdown timer as a reminder to myself to not make any major life decisions in that time. I noticed today that there are 70 days left until the six month mark. That’s as many days as I had gone NC until my slip on Tuesday.
The good news is that those 70 days of NC really went by pretty quickly, so I’m hoping the six months will be up before I know it.
But I really am trying to focus on just today. I pulled out a 24 hour chip from my early days in AA and have been holding it tight when the feelings get uncomfortable.
I also had the first night of my mindfulness course on Wednesday and I’m already very glad to have something to help me focus on my self care. I had a really powerful experience with our third meditation. We were to ask ourselves to look into a deep well and answer the question, ‘what brings me here?’ The first time I ‘looked’ into the well I actually saw the words ‘pain’ and ‘heartache’ float up and land on a shelf. The second time I saw the word ‘fear’. The last time I saw the word ‘hope’. Very weird and unexpected. But it was the first time that I didn’t feel like I was just reacting to something that had happened to me; I was doing something to grow for my future.
Even though I am sick with some sort of stomach flu, I’m feeling much better than I was on Tuesday. Thanks to this community of support.
I hope you feel better soon! Stay hydrated!
I am so glad that your mindfulness course has begun. It sounds like a really helpful exercise. Here’s to the next 70 days… *toast*
Hi All,
I think this clip is priceless – profound and somehow very relevant to feeling better:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b0bsd4l_QqM&feature=share
Lily, this was WONDERFUL!! I do feel much better after watching it. Here’s another similar video with wisdom and lots of humor.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EF4FyQAWkkw&feature=related
Lily, this is SO timely, and right on point with today’s post by Susan on leaving ‘em if they don’t love you … let them go! Very wise, very funny, and verrrrrry true.
This is a very good clip. Now I’m going to watch the one Medda says.
Thanks!
Lily,
THANK YOU for posting that video!!! It was awesome! I bookmarked it on my computer = )
Thanks for posting that Lily! I especially like the part where she says “I would rather be in the corner by myself with a goldfish and a puppy and be happy than to be sitting around in my house with somebody and I’m wondering what the Hell they’re there for” Very true!
That’s GREAT. Thanks so much for posting it.
What a great post! Yet another aha moment for me.I really need to understand deep down inside that BH does Not care about me and why would I want to hold onto that?
He does Not love me so I need to let it go!
Bookmarked this! I love it! Hmmm did he plagiarize this site or what?!
I’m actually not sure how I’m doing anymore. I thoght I was doing well, but maybe not….
About a year ago, my first relationship ended, and I had a very difficult time with it. I cared very much about this person, let my gaurd down, was completely head over heels and enamoured with him. Then,after 6 months all of a sudden it seemed, his feelings changed, and he no longer knew what he wanted. Also, he met another girl he decided he wanted to be with, which really broke my heart.
For the next 6-8 months, I was devasted. I thought about what went wrong all the time, what I could have done to kept him. I thought about all the coulda woulda shouldas. I replayed momnets in my head, imagining how they could have gone another direction. But…. I tried to stay busy. I joined a social sports team, I started volunteering, I started meeting new friends, and eventually, I thought about it a little less, and then thought about it less than that.
This fall I actually started dating again. I went on a a lot of dates. If someone asked me out, even if I wasnt particularly keen about it, I’d give em a shot. However, I began to go out with one individual again and again. We went on steady dates for about 4 months. During this time, I also occassionally entertained dates from other guys, but mostly I just saw this one person. But when friends or family would ask how I felt about him, I would reply and say something like “Oh he’s ok.” or “Oh you know, it was a date. It was fun. It was whatever. I have fun with him, but if he called me up and told me he was moving tomorrow, I wouldnt lose any sleep over it.”
I almost turned myself off, kept everyone at arms length, never let my gaurd down, because I so desperately did not want to get hurt again. Then, as you can image, after 4 months of dating the same person, this inidividual was dissapointed that our relationship hadnt moved further, that we hadnt moved on to being exclusive with each other. I was completely jaded. At one point in the fall he metioned something about the holidays and christmas presents in conversation, and I actually thought to myself in my head “oh thats really cute — you think we’re still going to be together at christmas time.” Eventually, this guy broke it off and said he wanted to try to make it work with someone else.
Now, I feel all alone all over again. It certainly doesnt hurt as much as the first time, because as the song says, “the first cut is the deepest.” But it makes me sad that I missed out on an opportunity to have a relationship with a wonderful person who treated me very well and with whom I got along with, because I wasn’t going to let anybody in, and because basically, he wasn’t my ex, and thats really what I wanted. He was never good enough in my head, because he wasnt my ex-boyfriend. Sometimes I would compare then without meaning to, and say, “well he is great, but he isnt as good as Steven.” Which is a load of crap because this person was there for me, and Steven wasnt.
I know every relationship is a learning experience, but I’m scared I’ll keep messing them up by not openning up and holding on to the past. Im also sad that I missed out on being with this particular individual. Has anyone else had a simliar experience? Where you start getting back into dating again because you think you are ready, only to find that you’re not, or that you’re previous experience and “baggage,” has sabotaged it?
You hit the nail on the head for me. I have been doing some casual dating. Usually only one date or two and every time that little voice compares them to my ex. I dont want to be looking for someone like him.. built like him, looks like him, is strong like him… but it is happening every time I go out with someone new.
I worry that I am so damaged by BH and the 5 years we were together that I can not have that deep feeling for anyone else.
Checking in.
It’s all peaks and valleys right now. The other night I sat in my bathtub sobbing over all the ruin my ex left for me to pick up. I hate him. He’s a 35 year old mama’s boy who cakewalks through life and there’s always someone there to make sure he’s never accountable for anything he does. In my relationship with him, I was the one who shouldered all the blame for everything, the subservient…the bitch.
I hate how he pulled all this nasty, horrible shit with me and then ended it when HE decided it was enough. I put up with all this passive/aggressive bull for so long and when he finally decides to disappear he does it with a text message blaming ME for everything.
My hurt has turned into full-on, unfiltered rage and I want him to pay. I have never been a physically abusive person. Ever. But the toxicity in my veins right now have brought out the absolute worst in me and I really have been fighting the urge to just go over and drag him out of his bed in the middle of the night and fucking beat him. He wrecked my life and just walked away and I will NEVER forgive him for that! I should have been the one to walk away. Why did I ever give him another chance?
I’m so confused right now and I feel like I can’t grieve properly. I have to be all smiles and sunshine at work all damn day and then when I am alone I swing wildly from feeling like I want to end my life back to saying to Hell with everything and thinking about just leaving everything in this empty city and starting over somewhere else without saying goodbye.
I feel like I have a split-level life just like I had in my relationship where I can’t ever just really be myself or allow myself to feel what I feel. I was criticized, put-down, and jerked around so much by this asshole that I feel like I’ve literally been poisoned. What’s odd is that I push myself harder at the gym since this all happened and I’m looking better on the outside than I have in my last few months with him but I feel most days like I’m worse on the inside.
I feel like a fake. Like I don’t know who I am anymore, that who I used to be before I met him is gone and in my place is a carbon-based counterfeit with a bunch of emotional baggage, no feelings of self worth, and an anger problem.
Fightback – yep, you’re right on schedule. First comes the hurt and confusion. Then comes the rage, ready to explode right out of your chest. You want to lash out, you want him to suffer. I think we’ve all been there. And it does feel like you’ve been poisoned. Unfortunately, that poison is just going to grow and spread if you feed it with more anger. You will soon be causing your own suffering – not him, you.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t feel what you feel. Just feel it fully, then get it out of your system as fast as possible, in whatever way works for you. Figure out what that is. FOR YOUR OWN SAKE! For some people it’s some kind of physical expression, like beating the hell out of a stone wall with a stick. (I did that once – felt pretty good!) For others, it’s getting all the hate and anger out in writing long volatile letters – but not sending them. Some meditate in a safe place, like an empty church where they can gently accept their anger in silence, not hating or judging or giving in to it – but looking to understand and heal it. Otherwise this anger can turn inwards all too quick, and then you’ll be on to the next phase, which is a lingering depression. That’s where I’m stuck because I didn’t handle my anger creatively.
The wisest saying I ever heard EVER, is this: “If you don’t learn how to transform your pain, you will always transmit it. Always. With 100% certitude.” That’s what meditation is all about. That’s what prayer is about. That is what real maturity is about. Somehow how we have to find our own “transformation machine” within so we don’t keep handing our pain on. I’m still learning how to do that. I wish you some peace and relief from these awful feelings. I know it’s hell. Hopefully, others here can share with you what they do to cope with this kind of anger.
Thanks for the advice Medda. Very good advice too, might I add.
One of the things that keeps me from acting out these thoughts is the recurring truth that if I did any of those things: beating him, sending him a really hateful letter, calling him, or contacting someone we both knew to tell them what an evil SOB he is, he wins. He gets the satisfaction of me making myself look crazy to others and unable to move on.
A little backstory to all this is that when I met him he told me his last partner committed suicide just months before we met. He rephrased and said that he died of an accidental prescription drug overdose mixed with extacy. My sympathies were immediately with him as most people’s would be and my heart went out to him. It never occurred to me why his late partner would self-medicate like that.
Over time, my ex revealed that he and the deceased partner had LOTS of problems. He admitted to me that he did not treat the former very well and said that he was downright cruel to him and denied him intimacy because he gained weight. What was also clear was that my partner was a kept man in that relationship. His partner took care of everything.
The former partners parents were very welcoming to me and the four of us did lots of things together. About two years into the relationship when my unhappiness with the relationship was very obvious, the deceased partners dad pulled me aside and told me he used to see the same look on his sons face. He told me about some things his son endured over the course of that relationship and told me that my partner was “all about him” and that nothing would change that.
Later on, the late partners father told me just before the relationship with my ex ended for good that he felt that my partner, in regard to his sons death “drove him to it”. I lived for a long time with that thought in the back of my head but wrote it off as being insensitive and too extreme, yet there were times that I felt so devalued by him that I literally felt like killing myself and i have never in my life had thoughts like that before. I believe now, knowing what I know that my ex may not be directly responsible for what happened but I do believe that his mental abuse played a part in it.
That’s what really messes with me. Over the course of my time with him, he only talked about what the late partner did for him, not about who he was or what he was really like. I only learned those things from his parents. My ex constantly berated me for not being good at the same things or being as successful as the deceased partner. Yet, his partner was able to do all of those things and he never lived up to expectations either.
I just think there is something particularly distressing and surreal about having been with a person who has suffered such a loss, admits they treated that person like shit, and still didn’t learn a thing about treating people with kindness since you never really know for sure if the last time you see that person really will be the LAST time you see that person.
I have not had any contact with the deceased partners parents either. The mother is still close to my ex. she knows a lot of things but is in denial about what he is. We were close but seeing them reminds me of my ex and I would not be able to act like I don’t know about certain things if I were to talk to them. I know that the father sees him for who he is and only tolerates him because his wife is close to him.
It’s a very weird dynamic, I know. I thought at first that my ex was the way he was because his partner died. Now, I believe that a person does not turn into that because of those circumstances, especially if someone has been kind to them, like I was and that even if that was the reason it’s not an excuse for his cruel treatment. I’m just going to struggle with this for some time I think.
Hi Fightback,
I once again read your post feeling like “I know what you mean.”
My ex was only married for 4 months, and then she left and filed for an annulment. I felt bad for his loss, since he was such a sweet and caring person.
Over the course of our relationship I have struggled with a lot of feelings of failure and inadequacy to the point that last April I felt like I didn’t care if I lived or died. When I parked my car on the 8th floor of the parking garage at work, I had to not look over because I had fleeting thoughts of jumping. (this is sooooo out of my personality….I am known as a upbeat, hopeful, perky flower child at work). I wanted the pain to end.
Then I remembered something BH told me……that his ex tried to commit suicide twice before they split up. I imagined what an unstable girl this must’ve been. Yet I look at her now…..she finished medical school, married an orthopedic surgeon and has a new baby.
I have never spoken to her, but I know that the constant put downs, criticsims, double standards, unfairness, stress of never knowing when the next anger is coming has made ME want to die.
We need to believe in ourselves. We need to believe that when something doesn’t feel right….it isn’t right. ITS THAT SIMPLE.
Take care, friend!
fightback:
Like medda said, looks like you are right on schedule. Your feelings are normal and you have every right to be hurt and angry.
Immediately after my breakup, I sat here and had a million questions that started with: “How could he…?”, “Why did he…?”, “Someone please explain this to me..!!!” I spent many hours analyzing the entire relationship, analyzing him, trying to figure him out. One word kept ringing in my ears: UNFAIR. I felt it was unfair for many reasons. I treated him so well, and he was a cheating, lying, drug addicted, asshole. The list goes on.
What I had to accept is that I don’t know why my ex is such an asshole and a coward. I don’t know why he treated me like crap. I don’t know why the woman he left me for is still with him. Trying to figure out your ex and how they came to be who they are and why they hurt you is an exercise in futility. Your mind is searching for some kind of reason, some kind of explanation.
You got out of a relationship with a toxic person. There is no question about that. Why he is toxic is useless now that he is out of your life. He is a mean and cruel person and you are much better off without him. What made him this way doesn’t matter. Your relationship with him is over. His sick twisted mind is no longer something you have to cope with. He doesn’t matter now. It might feel strange to tell the parents that you do not want to have contact with them for a while, but I am sure they will understand if you explain that it is so you can heal and move on. I am sure the father will understand, at least.
In your post I learned a lot about your ex, but not a lot about you. It’s fantastic that you are working out and giving yourself a healthy way to express yourself. Keep it up! I hope you can start to focus on you, not your ex, and what you need to do to heal. I know it’s easier said than done, I obsessed about my ex nonstop at first and still have difficulty with stopping those thoughts. But if I think if you try to stop thinking about him and turn your attention on your own life and what’s happening around you in the present, it will help to shift your energy and your anger will be less prevalent. Hang in there, you can do this.
Thank you Court for your thoughtful reply. I am grateful that there are people here who can reassure me that even though I gnash my teeth and growl about the things I’d like to do to get back at my ex, that I’m not as crazy as I sound; that this is normal (albeit irrational) thinking and that it comes with the territory.
I actually did have a moment last night where I said aloud “I’m tired of thinking about him” and for a few hours I actually put him out of my mind. I have struggled with the idea of contacting the parents and telling them that I will not be contacting them for some time and why. I just couldn’t think of a tactful way to do that along with the fact that having NC with them as well just makes it feel like a whole block of my life has been erased. I have had to resist contacting them though just because it’s too tempting to ask what the ex is doing.
It’s weird the way this is progressing for me in that I was actually less emotional although I was just as hurt before I started posting on GPYP. I think it’s seeing the words and reading all the stories that have allowed me to begin feeling again, or at least be comfortable enough to acknowledge that I have feelings and that it’s okay to express them now that my ex is gone. I’m really new to recovery and it’s good to know that I can just expect times like these.
Thinking about my ex is SO exhausting. I am sure you know what I mean. It just saps all my thought and energy and emotion. All that’s left is this burning pile of ash.
It’s taken a lot of practice, but I have to actively stop myself from ruminating about the ex and what he is doing and obsessing about the past. I still do it, especially like today when I am feeling super sad, lonely, and heartbroken. But I practice some thought-stopping and divert my thoughts to something else and that does help. I was rejected by my BH and then I met someone new and he rejected me too. I’ve made progress in healing but there are going to be bad days. Today is one. All I want to do is cry all day and that is what will probably happen. You just have to allow yourself to feel what you feel, do not focus on your ex, and keep telling yourself you are ok.
Sometimes I come here and Susan’s posts make me cry, or my heart swells because I realize someone else is feeling exactly the same way I am. It might make you feel pain or get upset, but it is comforting to know you are not alone.
“The best moments in reading are when you come across something – a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things – that you’d thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you’ve never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it’s as if a hand has come out, and taken yours.” – Hector, The History Boys – a play by Alan Bennett
Hello Court,
I definitely know what you mean by how exhausting it can be thinking about the ex. What you said about meeting the new person who then rejected you and just kept the heartbreak going is the very reason I am unable to think about meeting someone right now.
I went out the other night because I just had to be away from this house. I no sooner arrived at the bar and this guy starts talking to me. We make small talk and share a few laughs over the next two hours. Then comes the moment where he says “I’d like to get to know you better do you want to go out?” I told him rather matter-of-fact that it wasn’t an option, that I was just out of a relationship and that all I really had to talk about was my ex and that I’d probably just turn him off.
He persisted but I held to it and it just ended with “nice visiting with you”. What it comes down to is that I’m afraid. I’m tired of being the person that someone else pins all their expectations on just so I can’t live up to them. On the one hand, I’m free, on the other it feels like I’m in a self-imposed solitary confinement. even on my good days there’s a film left over from this relationship that I can’t wash off.
I’m faced with a double realization that my ex never really loved me and that in this being over, I also lost two other people (the deceased partners parents) one of which continues to be used by my ex. I just wonder at this point if we ever really recover fully from this. It’s hard for me to imagine, at least for now, a time when it really will be clear that he was the messed up one, that his narcissism really is the reason that this could never work and that I really could not have done anything differently.
I have to be honest. There are times when I think it would have been easier to just play the game than to face this. Luckily those times are short lived. Most of the time I can be real about the fact that even though it’s hard to do all this work on repairing my broken heart, it was much, much harder working to keep him happy because even if I did everything I thought I was supposed to it was never enough.
you are 100% correct about what you said in an earlier reply about why trying to figure out why he was such an asshole is an exercise in futility. I couldn’t figure it out while I was with him. Even when he was there and I could try to get some clarity on why he acted like such a moody he-bitch all the time it would only lead to more questions, more perplexing behavior, and more frustration. No matter what, I was always at fault. Always.
What I really am afraid of is that I’ll get better, or at least think that I am and that I’ll lapse on journaling or quit coming here as much only to wind up in the same situation with some other creep because I forgot the pain that I’m in now. I guess that’s why I do keep posting and responding to other posts because doing so lets me know that I am connecting with other human beings who are on the same journey.
Fightback-
You are on the road to recovery…this stage is where i am rapidly heading for myself.
Don’t recycle…don’t think about what has been DONE….think about all that you want to DO.
You are in control of how you let him affect you now – he is GONE.
You control the hurt now ; its completely normal to rage one minute and fall into bed in the fetal position the next….its all part of the healing process my man, and you need to realize that the old saying:
” the only way out is through”.
Easier said than done, but let this time alone heal you while you identify why you chose him, and why you allowed the abuse to continue….that self examination is so critical to you moving on, even alittle at a time.
He was an asshole…he used you, never fully committed (if at all) and you gave all you had, deeply connecting and giving all of yourself to him in the process.
There in lies the problem: you gave him all of you and kept nothing for yourself.
You now are faced with a giant “black hole” – sucking all that you knew and needed out of your universe.
Try to look at this way:
He came into your life. He was NOT who you thought he was, he abused you, and left you.You loved him, he gave you what you THOUGHT you were looking for, what you THOUGHT you needed so desperately.
You are not to blame for his baggage – he had a train car full when he met you, and he has a few more bags in the last car to Narcissistville now to carry into the next station.
We are all feeling similar things…thinking similar thoughts….the major step now is to not allow him to continue to hurt you, WHEN IS ISN’T THERE TO DO IT IN PERSON!
Memories are vivid…they keep us rooted and wallowing….but if we cant take back our power, the power over how we think and view the ex’s in our lives, its a healthy step in the right direction.
I miss my ex everyday for the last 28 days….i think about what she is doing, with who, how easy it was for to walk away, how matter-of-fact she was as she said hurtful comment after hurtful comment…..I realized i had no idea who she was….the stranger i lived with for 6 years finally introduced herself to me in the last 2 days we would have together.
Seeing her for the troubled ,dysfunctional person she is gives me strength; It helps me see that, yes, i was 50% of that relationship – and i remind myself that i was the 50% that REALLY connected, felt deep love, and will most likely mourn more, pine more and drive myself crazy with what she is thinking and why…..and she will continue to move onto the next guy. smiling and posting on Facebook about how happy she is these days….running from her issues, not even giving them a second thought, carrying her baggage right along with her to destroy the next relationship over time.
Remember this about him, if nothing else:
he was broken when he found you.
he is still broken now.
he will repeat this cycle over and over, never really connecting or feeling anything along the way.
This is what he is…who he is…and you had absolutely nothing to do with creating the person who walked into your life – absolutely NOTHING.
His issues are HIS – not yours to mourn over or figure out.
He isn’t really happy now, its a mask he has come so used to wearing that he has no idea what he wants or needs – and he wasn’t happy when he was with you because he isn’t capable of real happiness because of all that is going on inside him ( past old hurts and deeper issues )
You are better than he will ever be. He lost you- and if he didn’t see the value in you then let him walk away
Take solace in this:
he will never change.
You, believe it or not, dodged a bullet when he left you……in time the sun will feel warm again…the colors in everything will come back….and the hurt will subside….trust in that.
You are free.
Believe me when i say it…..this is best.
Keep you head up brother.
Thanks THISWILLPASS,
I know your story as it seems like your ex is just a female version of mine. You’re sounding better than you were a few days ago when you first posted. I was in a better place in my head when I first replied to one of your posts but what a difference a few days can make. Somehow the mask just fell off and what made sense to me the week before didn’t this week.
Suddenly I was just unable to cope. Something in my head just shut off and I found myself recycling, just as you described. I was emotionally crippled with anger and this overwhelming feeling of helplessness over it. I have to read the words that you and others post regarding this thing and know that it’s true.
Congratulations on your 28 days of NC, by the way. I know it’s not easy to just go on as if you never knew that person but it has to be done. One thing that has helped me stay NC is the fact that I do not want my ex to ever know that I have spent the last two and a half months grieving over his sorry ass. I would rather let him believe that I moved on, not thinking about him or looking pathetic trying to win him back.
I guess that’s where staying on the blog and letting it all out benefits. We all just have to keep reminding each other and ourselves that our relationships, although just ended, are in the past and that moving on with our lives is the only way to get better.
WOW.. you have written straight to me.Thank you!
Fightback, you’re not the fake. He’s the one who is disingenuous, not authentic. I know you feel that way now, but his treatment of you (treating you like so much dirt to be left behind) is so indicative of who HE is, not who YOU are. You’re doing the work, moving on one step at a time.
Meanwhile, he’s just blindly stumbling on, doing the same ole same ole.
You are the genuine article, Fightback.
Just an insight as to what the reality retribution can be. My friend (who is a family counselor!) was married and her BH, CFO of a large oil company, had an affair with his secretary. She discovered it and has subsequently gotten a divorce. One night, while out with “friends” and after some wine, she went to the house of his mistress. What happened is unclear but all I know is that the mistress ended up with a broken arm (my friend is TINY, maybe 110 pounds…) and my friend was arrested for breaking and entering and assault. She is here on a green card and had her residency threatened by this. She had to spend 3 nights in jail (lucky that was all). Horrible horrible She lives in one of the best neighborhoods here in our large, major US city, her daughters go to the most elite private school, on the board of the ballet guild, etc….. Huge scandal.
I’m sure she regrets this and has to now deal with having this on her record, the public embarrassment and also the knowledge her girls have had to witness this. Just a word of caution as how quickly things can escalate out of control with repercussions that have long lingering effects.
When we are wrapped up with the anger, frustration and the “WHY?!!!!”, especially with alcohol mixed in, these things can happen. My girlfriend, who just hit 60, told me she punched out her first husband’s one of many mistresses three decades ago. The cops were called. Luckily, no charges. She was on the moral right of the equation, but her actions were totally wrong. She told me that. No butts about it.
The higher road of heads up (at least on the outside at first) is the way to go. Easier said than done, but we are trying to build ourselves to be better people than the BHs we have been with.
Happy weekend everyone!
Well, this whole process is still full of ups & downs! Last night I spent 1/2 an hour crying & feeling lonely & wondering when & if I will ever find love again (But hello?! I am not online dating – I HATE it – & haven’t gone out without my kids for 2 weeks so unless a random MR.Wonderful knocks on my door then ???) When I sink down into the soup, it can be hard to remember the good things that are happening in my life. But there really ARE good things happening…
I have felt a lot of shifts in my thinking lately. Beginning with my new job, my decision not to move, & my choice to open my home to my ex#1, who has fallen on hard $$ times, I finally feel like I am getting stronger. I know I torture some of you with my endless expressions of guilt, but I feel like I have turned a corner. I realize that the decisions that led me here, to this place both emotionally & geographically, were selfish – I wanted to be with BH & did what it took to make it happen, then I wanted to leave BH & did whatever it took to make that happen! But the choice to stay here in this area (which I dislike, with no family or support!) was made for the benefit of my children; and the choice to give my ex#1 a cheap place to live & get back on his feet was also made for the benefit of my children & for my ex, as well. I HAVE learned from my mistakes, & I am trying to make up for some of the wrongs from the past, and make sound decisions for the future that take into account everyone’s needs.
I definitely experience loneliness, and yearn to (someday) find love again, but I know in my heart & my mind that BH is not the man (& I use that term loosely!) for the job. REALLY. I want to love & be loved, and have all of the goodies & perks that come with that, but I want to love someone who is kind, and healthy, positive, and loving. Everyone has their issues & at my age I expect a fair amount of baggage, but that doean’t have to translate to pathology!
So I might be spending some lonely nights on the couch, and still shedding tears about it (& I reserve the right to complain about it!) but I am looking forward to things in life. I am looking forward to moving to a bigger city, house-hunting, establishing totally new routines & creating NEW memories that are ALL MINE, a trip to the beach for spring break, an EXTENDED trip to FL this summer (like 3 or 4 weeks in my beloved hometown!) even tomorrow – I am going ziplining for the 1st time & I am psyched (& scared!!)
I spoke to an old friend last night who told me she missed my blog… I haven’t posted anything for a few months. I dug it up & read back from the beginning & I really HAVE come a long way. I was in so much pain & turmoil & I can honestly say WOW – what a difference less than a year makes! And if I have come this far in less than a year, just imagine where I will be next year. I just have to keep the faith!
Here is a link to my old blog (maybe old/new if I feel like it!) in case you are bored & looking for a read!
http://bonmovingon.blogspot.com/
When did you decide to not move and open your house to your ex? I think I missed that.
Bonbons, what are the expectations of you, and of your ex, and of your kids, in having him move back into your house? Why do I feel a few alarms going off? What’s it going to be like for you to have ex#1 back in your house, in this vulnerable emotional state you’re in? You said you want to meet everyone’s needs.
And why are you the one who’s going to be on the couch? Are YOUR needs (and those of your kids) coming first? uh oh, uh oh, uh oh……
OK. This is the deal.
My primary reason for needing to move was financial. Secondary was the lack of support where I live, and wanting that “village” surrounding my kids & I, third was my dislike of this area, and wanting to escape from all things BH.
Once I got this new job, it eliminated the financial need to move. As a matter of fact, it would cost me MORE to move – thousands for a court battle & moving 3 states away + higher cost of living in my hometown. But I STILL would have done it if I thought it would truly be better for my kids. And although I think moving would have a minimal impact on my daughter (she is 14) I felt like it would not be good for my son (11.) He misses his father a lot as it is…
So I had a talk with ex#1 & told him I would stay here as long as we commit to move to a nearby town, more of a city, with MUCH better schools, about 1/2 an hour away. I broke this news to him as he was frantically searching for a cheaper rental because he could no longer afford the house he was renting & had to be out by 2-1. Since I don’t plan to move until the end of the school year, and my ex was in a pinch, I offered him the opportunity to move in with us until we are all ready to make the move. This way he can have much needed time with the kids, get on better footing financially, & even though I am charging him minimal rent – $ is $, and it will be $ for me! He is moving in on Monday – & I am NOT staying on the couch. My kids are going to bunk together temporarily & he is taking a bedroom for himself.
I know I am treading in murky waters, but I really do think this situation will benefit all of us. And even if it is a bit uncomfortable, it is only temporary… And I am excited about the upcoming move… even if it is only 1/2 an hour away, it feels like a fresh start & has nothing to do with any exes… it is a move that was MY decision based on what I want for myself & my children.
As I mentioned before, I don’t have much sympathy for your ex-husband, since you are the one working two jobs to support your family, not him. I am pretty sure you mentioned before that he actually could get a higher-paying job but is now working his “dream” job, too, didn’t you? So, yeah, not hugely sympathetic if that is the case. So, I don’t think this is perhaps the best decision for you emotionally, since you have this tendency to think you should martyr yourself because you feel guilty you cheated on this guy. I honestly don’t think your first marriage should have or would have worked out long term, because you went 8 to 10 months at a time without having any intimacy. I really wish you would do a relationship inventory on this first marriage, because I feel you see it with guilty “rose-colored” glasses. The way he talks to you NOW makes me completely livid.
If you insist on moving him in with you–I hope you stick with very, very clear boundaries and don’t go making him meals, picking up after him, or doing his laundry. You do not owe him anything. He is an adult.
Hi Blu.
I TOTALLY appreciate your support. I really feel like you are in my corner!
My ex#1 is working his dream job – very long hours, 6 days 1 week/5 days the next, usually 10 hour days. He is also trying to work a side business with ex-co-workers from his old, high-paying job, but it hasn’t taken off for him or produced much $$. My ex is, and always has been, a hard worker. I did recently work on a relationship inventory for our marriage, and that was listed as one of his good qualities. The problem is, (bad quality alert!) he can be stubborn, and lack drive without a kick in the rear.
From his point of view, I chose to end our marriage in a selfish, cruel, irresponsible fashion (true,) forced him to move from FL to NC to an area where he knew absolutely NO ONE (true,) and he has managed to carve out a life for himself. Regardless of the fact that we are not in one of the more thriving areas of this state, and jobs are scarce, as far as he is concerned, I have no right to force him to move and uproot his life AGAIN, even (& ESPECIALLY) to go back to our ORIGINAL hometown where we were happy (at the time) to escape from. Moving back would be a double edged sword – more opportunity, but more expensive as well. He also sees it as a bad move for our kids – faster paced life, HE doesn’t think the schools are great, even though I can furnish evidence to the contrary, etc.
Anyway, I did tell him that in order for this to work, he has to STOP raking me over the coals for the past, and blaming me for all of the problems in his life. I am not the reason he was laid off from his high-paying job, I did not choose his current job, I certainly don’t control the economy, and he needs to be thankful I am giving him a chance to get on his feet. He hasn’t been totally successful with that yet – but I know he is depressed that his life has come to this – moving into a room in his ex-wife’s house at age 48 (he is 9 years older than me.) It is true that if I had not done the things I did, we would be sitting pretty – even if he lost that job, we would have a beautiful house almost paid off, no debt, etc… But we both have to let that go!! He still has very little debt – just a braces payment for our daughter. Meanwhile, I lost over $35,000 & have $20,000 of debt from A-HOLE BH!!! If I can go on with life & not have a daily freak-out breakdown over that, than he needs to do the same! At least he can start re-building on solid ground – I have to claw my way out of a BIG ASS HOLE!
Anyway, I am not going to lie & say I am not nervous/anxious about how this will all play out. But I feel like giving my ex this opportunity assuages some of the guilt I feel over what I did to him in the past, and having him around will be great for my son, and I will have a bit more freedom to get out & have a social life, and have more $$ to put away from my move…
I guess by this time next week I will have an idea of how things are working out.
My point is, if he wants to work his low-paying dream job, instead of trying to find a job that pays more, or getting a second job, like you, he should face the natural consequences of that and rent a room. You are his ex-wife, not his mother.
Blu –
Ex#1 claims he has looked for other jobs. There is definitely not a lot of opportunity around here.
I agree that I am not his mother, but I still feel somewhat responsible for what led him to be in this position, and it is giving ME a boost to help him out, so it helps me, it helps him, and I think it will be good for our kids.
I have no illusions about a reconcilliation, our kids know that we are “just friends” and not sharing a bedroom… so as long as boundaries are respoected, it should work out. I guess this will be my big test – can I erect & maintain boundaries…
But still – I get the vibe you wholeheartedly disapprove of what I am doing?!
I just think it feeds into your martyr and “I’m a horrible, terrible person so I should just let the first husband walk all over me” complex. I don’t know which of you chose to not be intimate for long periods of time during your marriage, but if you had been emotionally healthier THEN, you would have ended your marriage on that alone, instead of cheating. The cheating part was wrong, yes. But not wrong in a “pay for it for the rest of your life” way. It was wrong in a “should have had more courage to leave a sexless marriage” way.
I disapprove because your ex-husband feeds into your feelings of guilt and takes advantage of that. He puts you down, he tries to control your life even though you are no longer married. If you can keep boundaries in place, that is a good thing. I’m just not certain he won’t keep pushing you and you won’t keep saying, “oh, he’s right, I should do this for him because I cheated on him and put us in this position.”
Blu and bonbons, I’m following this thread, and I have the same concerns that Blu does. And being concerned (and I’m not thinking this is a terribly good idea for ex#1 to move back in with you and your kids) does not mean I’m not in your corner. I just don’t want to see you paint yourself into that corner, and be farther behind in your emotional growth, due to your immense guilt getting in the way of your healing and growth.
Your guilt can be addressed with a lot of grace, with a genuine and sincere apology. Both to him for its affects on him, and to yourself for letting yourself cheat rather than leave. (“I sincerely apologize to myself for having acted in a way that does not reflect my highest and best self.”) Also, a sincere apology to the two of you for its impact on your house and financial situations. You probably have done that apology, in a sincere and genuine way — I sense that you feel that. If you have, then you need not do more, if you are committed to your own growth.
I agree with Blu that your having cheated does not doom you to a life of penance, however. If you’re feeling “obligated” because of your role in the breakup, and your resulting guilt, he will pick up on that penance right away, like a fox seeing a bird with a broken wing, and I don’t see how there’s any way that he WON’T take advantage of you for that. Making you “pay” for your mistake. And pay and pay.
I am curious how you will deal with this strong dynamic tension, of you feeling super-guilty and thus obligated to take him in, and him spotting that and thus taking advantage of that — and of you.
What is your backup plan? Is this a month-to-month thing, or even shorter, so you can quickly assess whether it’s going to work or not? And if so, do you two have an agreement that if it’s NOT working, that he won’t be able to continue staying there? (The assessment of whether it’s working would be from YOUR perspective, not his of course! And not to be decided by him saying “You owe me!”) If not, then you are in fact painted into a corner … not a very good place to be for your own personal growth.
Whaddya think?
I do. It’s a bit crazy.
I agree. First of all, you’re not letting him be responsible for himself, for getting his own job, paying his own bills and seeing his own kids.
Second, no matter what the kids are going to be confused. And it’s not a good situation for them.
You need to work on your guilt and your boundaries AWAY from him. And not be dragging him into the house and putting everyone to a test. If you want to do it and he wants to do it, fine but I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone and not for the kids.
You continue to take responsibility for having an affair out of a loveless marriage. It was a LOVELESS marriage. Do you think that living with him and just being “friends” isn’t working COMPLETELY in his favor? He gets what he wanted. Less responsibility, less bills, no sex. That is what he thought would be ideal. And that is what you are giving him out of guilt because you blew up a loveless marriage. It’s nonsense.
It’s not healthy and it’s not good for the kids. You have NOT been thinking straight for a while….how did you come to the conclusion that THIS was the right idea? It’s just buying into your “I’m so guilty…mea culpa” nonsense that goes on in your head. It’s a copout to assuage guilt that you should be working on NOT HAVING.
Exactly how I see things, too! Bonbons, you are REWARDING a man who has been browbeating you–how do you think that is healthy for the kids to see? He can’t afford to take care of himself where you are but he said he’d take you to court for wanting to move somewhere where there are jobs. Then, his big solution is to move in with you? And you think that this is okay that he’s behaving this way?
Wow.
First of all, it is too late, my ex is moving in today.
Susan, I wouldn’t characterize our marriage as loveless. However, I believe, in retrospect, that I settled, although I didn’t conciously realize it, and married my ex because he was kind, a good person, we shared the same morals & values & wanted the same things out of life. We lacked passion, but I felt safe with him, we took care of each other, and we truly boosted each other up in a lot of ways. Of course I was 19 when we started dating, so some of my growth was simply growing up, but my ex was a very responsible & kind person & I believe he steered me in the right direction. During our marriage, he was never vindicitive, manipulative, bitter, didn’t hold grudges, etc. I was the more moody, sometimes impulsive, volatile member of our marriage. I loved him, but was not in-love with him?!
But really, I guess at this point, that doesn’t even matter.
I am trying to find a way to live somewhere I do not want to live, make a life & try to see happiness on the horizon! I opened my house to my ex for the reasons I already stated, and because I didn’t want him to sign a year lease in this town when we need to move in 6-7 months, before the next school year starts.
My children are very clear on the fact that we are not getting back together. Even during the worst of times, we always maintained a spirit of friendship around our children, and they always knew we we were in constant communication about them & what was going on in their lives. I do agree that my ex has not stepped up since I left BH and spent nearly enough time with the kids. I guess I am just making it super easy for him to see them without him taking on the responsibility – but that doesn’t change the fact that I think it will be good for them – again, especially my son – to spend more time with their father.
I think deep down I have a lot of motives for doing this – making up for the past, giving my kids the chance to spend more time with their dad, giving myself a chance to get out now & then, having another adult in the house to back me up & help raise my children – one that truly loves & cares about them like I do & has their best interests at heart….. (I am thinking about/comparing it to living with a-hole BH – even though he is a horrible example of a parent, let alone a step-parent, even the best step-parent can’t love your children like their real parents do!)
Oh, crap! Good, bad or ugly, this is happening today, and I am committed to making it work.
Bonbons, I like Tara’s idea of a back up plan. You know, just in case. Will you consider it at least?
Just hope that it will all work out for you. Best wishes.
I get your guilt. Look you did what you did. I was in a similar situation and I did what I did. Yep, i should have not acted out in that way, and i should have ended that marriage in a different way. My ex and I get along very well now. But it would be confusing to the kids if he moved in. I lost power for five days because of a Halloween snow storm in NY. My ex was quick to say, stay in the guest room, you do not have heat or electrictiy at your house. Very nice. I did. But I could tell the kids were thrilled I was back. Not good.
While there is a part of me that will always feel guilty for cheating on my ex with the BH, I know that my guilt cannot eclipse my responsibility as a parent to my kids. Keeping their heads on straight is the paramount focus for me. That is why I ended the last go around with the BH.
You have good intentions, but please do a check in as to why you really are doing this and how it is impacting your very important little people in your life.
My mother used to say, “You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.”
Like hell I do.
I think she meant I was stuck with my decisions, and I have rejected that advice. If I make a bad decision, I can undo it.
So, Bonbons, if this situation gets creepy or murky or ANY red lights start going off, don’t think you’re stuck with your offer. You didn’t put a gun to his head to “force” him to move there. He’s a free agent. He’s an adult.
Not saying this won’t work, but there are murky dynamics going on … maybe they will work out wonderfully, and I hope they do! Just give yourself permission to give yourself enough “wiggle room” to make sure it works FOR YOU, girl!
Heartfelt THANKS, Tara!
TWP – you are so right about taking back the power. We all get sucked into the belief that people all have this enormous power to hurt us. This is something we’ve been programmed with in our culture, but I’ve had some wise teachers who have gently challenged this notion – that people DON’T have the power to hurt us, it is we who give it to them. We all think it’s an automatic thing — someone treats us badly, so automatically we get upset. Common sense, right? But what that really means is that someone else acts like an asshole and so then we PUNISH OURSELVES by a) getting enraged, b) pumping all kinds of poisonous feelings through our body c) shooting up our blood pressure, d) missing our sleep tonight e) directing all kinds of hateful feelings towards ourselves as if it was our fault, f) losing our peace of mind, g) wasting our precious present moments weeping and gnashing our teeth. And so on. This makes no sense at all!
Maybe this analogy will help Fightback too… the BH acts incredibly badly so we spend the next months (or maybe even years!) hitting ourselves in the head with a hammer. WHAT??? Somehow this punishment is way off course. This doesn’t mean that you should go after the BH with the hammer! That’s not what I’m advocating. I’m just putting the idea out there that much of the suffering that we’re experiencing (myself included) might have more to do with what we tell ourselves than what the BH did. It doesn’t have to be “automatic.” We have more power to choose our responses than we think we do. Rise up and claim this power!!
While at the grocery store this morning, rather than avoiding that damn aisle, filled with candy and valentine stuff, I purposely walked down it. Looking at all that crap. Yeah, I got a fancy card from my ex last valentines day, with all kinds of happy talk in it of us being together for “days, months, years” but it was all crap. I looked at those cards and thought, They’re only as beautiful as the person behind it.
And all those stuffed animals. And candy. And red heart-shaped candles. You know what? I may buy myself a box of candy (ok, a smallish one) and write my own valentine card to myself about how I admire myself, and how far I’ve come, and how worthy I am.
The other night I was playing a jazz gig, and “My Funny Valentine” was on the song list, and I remembered slow-dancing to it with the ex, totally “in looooooove” last year, and therefore not wanting to play this tune at the gig. Not only that, but my jazz gig was in the same coffee shop where we first met. I had to beat myself into saying “I’m not gonna let him own this coffee shop, or this tune, dammit,” and I hope I played the hell out of it. I’m trying to slaughter those ghosts as they rise up, one at a time.
Tara, good for you!! Get those ghosts! Don’t let them haunt you anymore. And don’t let the BH or memories of the BH or feelings about the BH decide for you how you want to live, where you want to go, what you want to do. YOU CHOOSE!
“My Funny Valentine” — one of my favorite jazz tunes — the only good thing about Valentine’s Day. Except this year, when I’ll miss the BH and his breathtaking rendition on guitar. (wish I could hear yours, Tara). God that man is a wonderful musician. Yeah, yeah, I know there’s other great musicians out there. But not ones I used to be engaged to. I miss being part of his music world, part of his community of friends and fans and other musicians. Yeah, I know I need my own music world and my own friends and fans. I’m working on it, I am, but shit do I miss the life I had with him.
Guess that says how I’m doing. I’m back to pining, not believing he’s gone, that he left when what we had was so good. I’ve been NC for about 6 weeks and have come closest this past week or so to calling, emailing, driving by, or showing up at his gig. Didn’t help that I had two job interviews and didn’t get called back for either one. Or that the friend I’ve been spending the most time with moved an hour away. Or that my GPS (that the BH gave me) was stolen out of my car. Or that my graduate school class is turning out to be crappy. Or that my hair dresser was sick and I had to have someone else cut my hair. Bad couple of weeks, combined with some pretty bad depression.
I reread Susan’s post “When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You.” She so accurately captures that feeling we all had when when our fabulous guys or girls walked away from our fabulous relationships: “Huh?”
Thanks to everyone for your posts. We are strong people for being willing to feel and share these enormous feelings.
Hi, Maidenvoyager. As a musician, I, too, have been drawn to other musicians. But I could count on my fingers and toes the number of guys I know who were great musicians but who also were egocentric pricks.
Sounds like you’ve had a string of frustrations lately! Hopefully this is the end of it and all kinds of good things will start to happen for you!
Thank you, Tara. Sure wish I could show up at your gig instead! The jazz community is pretty small here.
My BH came and got all of his stuff I put in the garage today. Then I asked him to get up in the attic and get all of the stuff down from there. All of our Christmas things. His deceased mom’s old things, our son’s baby things. Now I have to go through all of that and sort it out. It’s so f-ing hard. And there he was, with no feeling. He had the nerve to act annoyed. Then he asked me AGAIN when the divorce papers are going to be ready for him to sign. Like I freaking know. I asked him why he was in such a hurry all of a sudden and he said because he has to figure out his money situation and needs to know how much he is going to have to give me in child support. It is amazing how the man walks away from the marriage and kid and suddenly feels his obligations to the family are over as well. I wish I could walk away from this house with all of the memories and things in it too.
This is so freaking hard. I am a roller coaster of emotions. I cant wait to feel “normal” again.
Keep going, day by day. It will get easier, I promise. Having a child to care for gives you something to get up for in the morning. Keep sharing on here, there is a lot of support and understanding here x
It will get easier. It really is awkward and hard to do the possessions and the divorce papers. But at some point it does get easier. My ex could not wait for me to go through the Christmas ornaments the first year and left them for me in a box. i was furious he did that. i did not put my tree up that year because of it. The next year i did. As expected, he had picked all the special ones we shared as a couple for me to have, which did not hurt as much because it was later in time. It gets easier. In the meanime, realize you have valid emotions and go with it. My ex and i are now in a better place, necessarily because we have joint custody. Keep plugging away. The little ones keep us parents going. We are their role models. Sending hugs.
Hi all
I feel I’ve coped a bit better this week – worked away from home all week again and managed not to think about him quite as much. Reading the book in bed at night and feeling stronger, although it did mean some distressing dreams! Still feel sad, but much calmer, as it’s the weekend my phone is turned off, I think it may be time to get a new number.
Some of you may remember that in December and January I was speaking to my ex with a view to getting back together, and I’m sure you must have thought “big mistake”. I’d like to share something I’m not very proud of, part of the reason I thought it would work out.
I’ve long been a horoscope reader, and through that I discovered that you can have psychic readings done by telephone. When the ex suddenly ended our relationship but then kept coming back, I was heartbroken, and so uncertain as to whether I should keep trying with him or not. So I phoned for a reading to ask exactly that – should I keep trying or give up? The reader described our situation perfectly, was spot on with her description of what he was doing and feeling, and said not to give up.
As things got worse, over 3 months I had 4 readings with different people. ALL of them said to take a step back, let him sort things out and then we would be together again, that it was a destined relationship, we would be together long term, and living together by next summer. I think it was the fact that they all said the same thing – I thought there must be a good chance it would happen. I’ve not bored you with all the details, but believe me, they described loads which was so true, but which would have meant nothing to the next person. I had one last reading in December, and again she said the same as the others! By then I fully expected to be told it wasn’t going to work as our phone calls weren’t going well.
I’m not proud that I sort of gave away my power to make this huge decision for myself, and let myself be influenced by these psychics. I’ve forgiven myself for doing it now, as I was in such a state at the time, not knowing what to do for the best – I was so confused that someone who said he loved me so much would want to leave me, and I was on my own with it as I didn’t tell my friends much of what was going on as every time he said he wanted to be on his own, he would come back a few days later having changed his mind. It wasn’t until I found this site that I discovered commitmentphobic men existed and realised that’s what he was.
So anyway, that’s one of the reasons I thought it was worth trying again with him, I didn’t want to lose the chance of happiness they were all predicting. I guess by now Susan is hitting her forehead and saying “good god woman, where are your brains!” All I can say is I won’t be phoning them again, I’m stronger now and know the decision about what happens is down to me, and I’ve decided to turn my phone off and stay NC.
Hey littlefox,
Don’t waste your emotions on feeling ashamed or embarrassed about following the advice from the psychics. I may not have visited a psychic but I sure as hell have been guilty of looking at “signs” to tell me what I want to hear — to show me that my relationship is going to work out. Signs that don’t mean anything, but I held so much hope that I clinged to them anyway. It could be something as small as hearing “our” song when we went dancing. His friends saying we look so perfect together. My friends saying we look perfect together. Everyone on damn facebook saying we look perfect together.
i looked for signs and validation from everyone and everything. Something to offset the creeping doubt that I got from the BH himself. I wanted things to work out so badly, I was grateful for any sign of hope. So you are not alone in doing that kind of thing.
I’m glad you have forgiven yourself for it and decided to take matters into your own hands. But next time, if you find yourself looking for signs again, you know something is wrong and you need to question why you are doing it and talk about it with a friend, or therapist, or here.
No matter what you did in the past, you are doing great now. Keep going!
Thanks Court, I will keep going. I really feel that having these readings has delayed my healing by months – if there hadn’t been the hope in the back of my mind that it was all going to work out, I would have had no option but to start moving on earlier. it’s like I was thinking there’s no point trying to get over the breakup if we’re going to get back together. Ironically it was just as I had finally decided nothing was going to happen and I had just found this site when he got in touch saying he still loved me and was ready to make it work. His sixth sense that I was starting to move on without him perhaps??? in hindsight it was a mistake to let him think I would try again, but at least it showed me it wouldn’t work. It’s been a long road to get to this decision but there’s no point knocking myself for it, I just need to keep moving forward.
This is version of magical thinking. Many, many people (including me) fall into or have fallen into magical thinking during times of grief or stress. It’s a way to try to find meaning for your suffering, especially when in reality there is not much meaning to be found. It’s also a way to delay hurt or to try to hold onto feelings or people who are gone. I suggest you do some reading about it. I was a lot like Court, trying to read “signs” everywhere.
The truth is that a lot of people who break up get back in contact with the person they broke up with again–for many reasons–most of them have nothing to do with actually wanting to revive the relationship (at least not on the terms we’d like to have the relationship back anyway). People who are controlling or people who are afraid of commitment are particularly known to try to keep a toe in the water–they might be bored, they might be looking for an ego massage, they might need something that they think only we can give them, they might have had a fight with the new relationship or find it is not as easy to find a new relationship as they might have hoped, or they just might want sex and think we will jump at the chance. I think you should always look at the hurt that someone has caused you rather than the fact they are making some small effort to contact you again, before you make any kind of decision about talking to them.
Blu, I just love your wise posts! You are heading towards real healing and wholeness in leaps and bounds. I look forward to the day when you let us know you met a really great guy who is worthy of you!
I had a reading 15 years ago, and it predicted this BH. I was upset to hear about him then. I put the reading out of my head and then it resurfaced in my mind when things started happening with BH. So, I had another reading in September. She was spot on about the BH, and told me to run! It did not stop me from this see-saw. As you can see from this thread, I just started NC a few moments ago.
Look, the long and short of it is this: Susan is right on. You and I met BHs. We recognized it at a certain point, went into turtle mode with our heads in the sand denial, and now we are realizing, no matter what, the BH’s behavior was unacceptable, we are worth more and we need to work on ourselves and move onward in a better place.
The best sign is not from a psychic, but from that little voice in your head. Is is rumbling when he is in your life or is it a five-alarm siren like when he was in my life? Listen to your instincts. You have good ones because you are on this blog.
(BTW: the psychic said I would meet a better guy in 18 months. So, I better get working on me! LOL).
thank you for this safe place! doing better each day – deleted all FB friends except for close friends/family and with each deletion, could feel my stress level getting lower! i can do stress all by myself, i don’t need manufactured stress/drama/friends commenting about him (even though he is blocked).
Day 4 of NC he started calling my office. I had him blocked from my cell. He claimed he did not read my texts and he has decided after over 2 years of the emotional see-saw that he wants me.
Well, I caved, went down that road, and had a nice several days with him. Then reality hit. He wants to move in with me in late February. I cannot even imagine telling my family and friends that he is in my life. I cannot stand myself for doing this. I am in such internal turmoil and agitation because I am on this merry-go-round. How on earth do I finally break-up with him? I inherently know that he is bad for me. I know that I am doing myself no favors by being with him. I want this to stop because I know that he will not own up to being with me and I have been beyond hurt. I feel like I am giving up on life by giving in and being with him.
Please don’t let him hurt you again, you deserve to be treated so much better than that.
And PLEASE please please don’t let him move in with you, even if you felt good about being together that would be far too soon to be moving in together. If you know he is bad for you DON’T DO IT.
Phoenix — no idea what’s going on with him, but if he’s really sincere and you think there’s a genuine relationship here (your post doesn’t indicate you think so, tho!), he wouldn’t pressure you to move in with you in a month. That’s way too much way too soon given the situation, no? Your agitation tells you as much.
It sounds like he’s playing you. Don’t know why; did he just break up with someone and is now rebounding?
Would being with him relieve your hurt?
WHY is he pressuring you not only to get back together (with nothing changed!), but to move in with you??? And so soon? Something’s up here, and it’s not roses. Your internal turmoil sounds like good instincts to me.
What do you mean “how do I”? You do it. YOU ARE GIVING UP ON LIFE BY BEING WITH HIM. There is no truth, honesty, respectability, decency or health in your decision to be with this total user abuser loser.
You aren’t anything to him but a playtoy. You are a play thing that he cares not one whit about. You are NOTHING to him, but even worse you are nothing to yourself. Why don’t you at least give yourself a CHANCE to live a meaningful life instead of caving so easily. Is this what you want to do with your one precious life? If so, cop to the choice and stop pretending that you want to do anything else.
The only way it will stop is if you stop it. You need to get some dignity and put an end to being humiliated like this.
If you don’t then you are choosing this pain and you are a volunteer, not a victim. Seriously, grow up and grow some self-respect and put an end to it and stop playing victim. It’s not attractive or becoming and it’s a role you are using to keep yourself from being a responsible, mature person and doing the right thing.
You can’t imagine telling your friends and family because they will be convinced you’re out of your mind. And you are. You are willingly choosing this person who has hurt you over and over, who doesn’t care about you, who plays with your emotions solely for his own satisfaction and ego.
GET AT LEAST ONE SHRED OF DIGNITY AND END IT ONCE AND FOR ALL. It only stops when you say it stops.
I know what Susan is writing probably sounds harsh to you…but please, please LISTEN to her! The fact is, last year, I WAS you and it saved my life to FINALLY listen to people who actually cared about me (funny that strangers on a blog cared about me more than a man I was desperately chasing around), accept that I was being completely self-destructive, and let go of my awful quest to try to forge a relationship with a sociopath. Go NC. Get counseling. Stay NC. You can do this!
I say it stops. I texted leave me alone and blocked his numbers. Thank you for the Cher “Snap Out of It” moment. I know I have to be strong and just erase any voice messages he leaves for me at work.
My life is worth living and not giving up on by just letting BH waltz right into my life after mountains of hurt that I allowed him to foist on me. I could not even tell my therapist the whole story this week. My family and friends are in the dark because I do not want to lose them. You are right, they would say I am insane (doing the same thing and expecting a different result.)
I volunteer instead to actively live a BH-free life. I volunteer to grow as a person and to build myself up so the BHs do not bother with me.
THANK YOU. And I thank me for growing a pair.
Back to NC.
Awesome, Phoenix — you’re not gonna get snookered by him this time! Let him take his waltz to some other dance. When you feel weak, just check in here and we will reinforce that you’re worth WAY more than that! When you said “I feel like I am giving up on life by giving in and being with him,” it made me sad, and I’m glad you are not giving up on life. You are reclaiming your life!
Yay Phoenix, I’m so pleased you’ve decided to stay NC. We sound as though we’re at the same stage – not wanting to tell family and friends what we’ve been considering, and just reaching the stage where we feel strong enough to do NC – and know that it’s the best thing for us. I’ll be backing you all the way!
Thanks for your support on this. I got through Day 1 (again). For a few moments, I thought about calling him and getting his closure. Then I thought, what a bleeping excuse for me to talk to him. And even if that was the case, who cares about his closure?
As bad as I have been with the revolving door, I know he is worse off emotionally than me. Every contact with him makes that clear. So, I will continue my work because I can see that it has made me stronger about things. The more work I do on me, the better.
I am deeply troubled that I did not short circuit this person from my life earlier (like never letting him in). But it is what it is. I have had a big life lesson. i also know that what is most important is that he is not in my life.
I have good enough sense to be on this blog and fiercely protect my bonds with my friends and family. But the reason i pulled out of this fog again was for what you guys and they thought more than me. I did come into the equation more and more lately, but the friends and family part of it is what really stopped me in my tracks about him. Yeah, it is good that I stopped in my tracks, but the reason why should have been paramountly, this guy is no good for me. I have to work on fiercely protecting myself, because I let that fall to the wayside, again, by letting him in again. That priority, me, cannot be shorted again. That is the whole point of this work.
So, Day 1 passed very successfully with NC. i participated in life by being fully present to my friends and family. I laughed, went to church, played Scrabble with my kids, ran 10 miles with my running group, and actively played with my kids. That is a much healthier day than wondering why his phone is off and who is he with this time.
Thanks guys!
Yay, Phoenix! You are rising from the ashes indeed!
I went out with two coworkers this afternoon and had a really good time. We went to the movies and then out for a late lunch. We also decided we’re going to take a local self-defense class together. So, I’m pretty excited about that. I really want to have a more active lifestyle. I had lost 40 pounds over the last year but have gained 10 back due to being on a high dosage of prednisone. So, I can’t wait until I’m off this drug and can start losing weight again. I’m sooo ready to get down to a reasonable weight and get out there and be more social.
The BH actually encouraged me to put on a LOT of weight and not to wear any makeup (he actually married a woman heavier than me, even). Weirdest thing, ever, right–to encourage his partners to NOT look their best? I wore makeup every day until I met him and now I feel not right when I put makeup on, so I seldom wear it. It’s funny, I never considered him to be a controlling person because he just never even seemed to pay me much attention at all. Yet, here I am, way too heavy and feeling funny about wearing makeup. I believe he wanted me this way so that I was not attractive to people who would treat me well. It’s amazing the sort of situations you can fall into, the beliefs you can start having about yourself, and the treatment you’ll accept when you have eroded self-esteem.
I hear ya, blueskye! I was with a guy for 8 years (dumped him 4 years ago for being a raging verbal abuser) who subtly “encouraged” me to be this way or that way. I stopped wearing a 2nd earring in one ear ‘cuz he didn’t like it. I told him I was a certain way politically because it was closer to how he was, but I am not that way at all. I stuffed my spiritual feelings and growth because he said he “hated” women who said they were “spiritual but not religious.” All of that came back when I dumped him, and now I wear a 2nd earring on that ear, have been active politically in support of my beliefs, and have gotten my spiritual mojo back the way I want it.
Weird that he was so insecure he wanted you to gain weight and not wear makeup! How you looked was all about him, not about you. You will get the “you” back that you want, and sounds like you’re starting that with the awesome self-defense class!
BTDT – BH encouraged me to eat & “grow some a$$” – what a prick! I dyed my hair (and hated it, but he would literally FIGHT with me over haircuts/color & sometimes insist on going with me to the salon to make sure I did what he wanted – A-HOLE!!!!!!!!!!!) As soon as I left I dyed my hair back to my natural color, lost the 40 pounds I put on during the miserable marriage, and started wearing my funky jewelry & boots & things that I LIKED! WOOHOO! I have maintained a size 6 through the holidays & I am trying to lose 5-10 more pounds – as many as I can before an upcoming trip to Chicago in March. It is a convention that I go to every year for work – except for 2 of the years I was with BH, because I was not ALLOWED to go (once again, A-HOLE!!!) Last year I had a miserable time beacuse I was doing “the dance” with BH & spent the whole time texting him, talking to him, crying, etc. I was a big, fat, hot mess! This year, I am ready to PARTY!!!!! Freedom is GOOD!
these BHs are a crazy lot, mine was the opposite of yours Bluskye – he wanted me to lose weight, he wanted me to wear make up more often and he told me I’d look better and younger without my glasses – maybe I would but as I can’t wear contacts I wouldn’t be able to see much lol.
Like you I’ve also put on 10 pounds since we split, but I can’t blame medication, it’s due to being on a high dosage of comfort eating chocolate!!! Something else I’ve now got under control, thank goodness.
This NC is hard! I have my mobile phone switched off, but keep my home phone on (I have elderly parents who need to contact me). BH has called twice this morning – I won’t answer but it makes my heart pound, it’s stressful seeing his number come up. My son was in the room when the phone rang and I ignored it, I’m embarrassed to tell him I’m ignoring calls from an ex – it sounds like something a teenager would be doing, not a woman in her 50s lol.
Make that 5 times this morning, I guess that’s his effort made for this week!
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your ex is being a creep and invading your space. Change your phone number and stop being a hostage to this.
I know this is weak of me, but I almost feel a little envious of those of you who have BHs who keep calling even though it’s totally dysfunctional. I know that my BH will NEVER call me again, ever, because I have been utterly forgotten, like our time together never happened. Will somebody please help reinforce me as to why this is a GOOD THING???
I have the same thoughts too medda. Its just another thing I have to deal with,I was told point blank that “we” were a mistake that should of never happpened.
Trust me, you don’t actually want an ex to invade your space like that. For one thing, it can lead to someone becoming a stalker. It’s a good thing that yours has moved on and is allowing you to move on as well. If someone is not interested in you in the way you are interested in them, the kindest thing they can do is to stop contacting you. Being contacted repeatedly by someone who can’t or won’t give you what you need in a relationship is being subjected to hurt over and over again, instead of having space to heal.
You are very wise Bluskye, I spend a lot of time at the weekends thinking about my ex because it’s always the weekend when he phones. When I see his number come up of course I start thinking about him again, it interrupts whatever I’m doing. I’m taking the cowards way out this time – I don’t want to face an uncomfortable phone call with him, so I’m just not answering instead of answering and telling him to leave me alone. I guess it won’t be long before he gives up, and then I’ll probably be put out that he’s moving on and doesn’t want me any more! There’s nothing more contrary than a woman lol.
Medda, same with me. No contact from my ex, which is a good thing. There were some things I just decided to leave at his place that hadn’t been sorted out when we split, which I was just going to write off and not worry about. One morning a few months ago I woke up and he’d put everything in a big plastic sack and dumped the sack in my driveway. Like a pile of garbage. Like our time together never happened, just like you said. (and I wish that had been the case! That it had never happened!)
Actually, it DID happen and he WAS in my life, altho not for a super-long period of time. And I guess he’s just one more little thread in the rich tapestry of my life. Like Bluskye says, this NC gives us time and space to heal, no matter which side the NC comes from.
It is a good thing that they do not call. Some of us have the psychos who call and we have been in the dance of them doing the shell game and confusing us to allow them back into our precious lives. Ok, we get calls. Not wanted. We get bs. Not wanted. these clowns do not really want us. They want their voids filled and their egos boosted that they can pick up the phone and hit redial how many times but they think they can get us back with the crook of their finger. it is a total mind game.
If the guy does not call and you wonder why, go through the best mantra three times “It does not matter.” Would you rather have a game player call you all the time for that drama? No way. You have survived an apathetic idiot. It makes NC easier because a person is not rearing his head into your life, uninvited, to mess with you on probably a day when things are progressing ok. (My experience was that i would not be able to sleep the days he called because i knew in my bones he was going to call and freaked about my response. Now i resolve there will be no freaking about my response. There will be no response. There will be NC.)
So, that is what you are missing. The drama. I would rather have my drama on TV. I use my remote to turn it on and off.
Regardless if the person “ignores you” (likely a game onto itself) or contacts you (another version of game player), the result is the same. You are better off without that person. You know better. You are worth being with the best people out there: you, yourself and I.
You are So right! He did that to me for a long time. Pop into my life and then out again on a whim. Act like he wanted to be with me and so I would be on my “best behaviour” and even that didnt make any difference. If I dared not be all sweetness and light he would tell me it was MY “drama” that he couldnt deal with.
Yes the Ignoring Is a game for him.Much likesaying if you will just accept the crumbs I throw you then I will be around when I feel like it.
I jokingly say I know you have an nice ass because I have seen it every time you turn your back and walk away.
I spent yesterday just relaxing on the most part. Mindless TV for hours and eating wayyyyy too much lol. But it helped a bit and now I am ready to put my “big girl panties on”and get on with what I need to do at home, for work and for myself.
Thanks once again to all of you for being here!!
Justlee, he may have a nice ass, but hie IS an ass. (manipulative to the max!) Sounds like you treated yourself gently yesterday, TV and eating … (;-) good in the short run!
Your “drama” was his drama projected onto you to make it your fault.
And we don’t take no stinkin’ crumbs. Either they share the loaf, or we go out and get our own loaf.
Phoenix, I LOVE the image of you turning on and off his drama with your mental “remote control” ! Thanks for this update and strong imagery!
medda,
Don’t feel its weak. You’re human, you loved and cared for someone who has chosen not to return those feelings. Not having your BH contact you will soon be a source of great strength and you will learn to appreciate the space.
I’m still teaching my BH the rules of NC. I’m envious of your situation! Find comfort in this.
You are stronger than he is. He keeps calling. You keep ignoring! You go, girl!!!
You can go onto your mobile phone’s website and set up call and text block. That way you do not know if he called and he gets the message not to call. The heart palpatations when a phone ring are very draining. Call and text block is free on my plan. Some companies require a small monthly fee like 4 bucks. For the price of a Starbucks coffee? Totally worth it!
I survived another week of NC other than getting my cheque on monday and telling him that from now on I will pick them up myself.
I went out for a coffee with a nice man yesterday and felt Nothing at all once again. I keep telling myself that by going out I Will eventually meet the one I am supposed to be with but the doubts still come up over and over again. He is still on my mind. The hopes that something will make him realise what he is losing and come to his senses. I keep giving myself the preverbial kick in the arse and try to face the truth that He decided long ago on being NC with me. My decision really doesnt make any difference.
As I am reading here today I am a bit ashamed at how much I have humiliated myself,chasing after BH,offering myself up to him completely only to be rejected over and over again.I read a bit about the anger and yes I felt it too..acted like a crazy person,flipped flopped all over the place trying to get Him to realise that he loved me. Gawd what a fool.. how embarassing.
I fixed up my resume this morning because I know that I need to find a job where BHs personal feelings(or lack of) dont keep me from doing what I am skilled at. But its hard. That “voice” in my head is telling me that maybe if people start telling him that I am looking for a new job Then.. maybe he will realise..
Gawd how I hate that little voice because it makes me question if I Really Do want to walk away from working with BH. The job I did do was exactly what I love doing,what I am trained to do.Problem is that it was also as BH’s “wingman” as he used to call me.HE has decided that once the personal relationship ended so did the professional. I wish that he would just let it go so that I could do my job but the longer the NC continues the more obvious it is that I am no longer “in the loop” at work,
The odds of getting a new job are pretty slim as this is a specialized field so I wonder if putting my resume “out there” will be just slitting my own throat and end up with me having No job at all.It is Very scary because I am barely holding my own financially as it is,if I lose my job I will very likely lose my house as well.I live in an area that has extremely high unemployment and most jobs that Do come up are seasonal and low paying,so low that I could not survive alone on the wages.Most people that Do have two incomes to live on.
I am struggling with what to do next. I have been stuck in this place for a year now..
I have really been working on things that used to cause me alot of pain. Being honest with myself and doing what needs to be done. An example. I heat my house with wood, BH used to get me that wood. Last year I ran out before winters end and it was so stressful I sat and waited for BH to “save me”. This year he got me enough to last a few weeks and that was it. The little voice is saying” He knows you are going to run out..why is he leaving you to suffer like that? is he going to bring more? does he really not care??” So to silence that voice I went out and bought some wood myself.Brought it home,even split it and packed it myself. Patted myself on the back and promptly started obsessing about BH and how This would show him .. yadda yadda yadda.
I am rambling I know but its things like this that have me recycling. I cant even accomplish something for myself without thoughts of him yet again.I go to the gym and look great! better than ever and all I can think about is how I wish BH could see this. I still look out the window every time a truck like his passes by. I go to the store and look for him. I think you all know what I am feeling.
I am passed the tears and heartache for the most part but the best I seem to feel is completely numb.Smiling and happy on the outside but inside is hollow and empty.
Once again I am not sleeping well, wake up several times a night with my brain going in the same old circles. When I Do sleep I dream about him. I cant control this and it is showing in the circles under my eyes and the exhaustion I feel.
I want to be the one who can look back and not feel the deep pain anymore.
Coming here Does help but as a friend of mine has said to me. The brain is saying move on.. the heart just isnt listening.
If you are struggling on a daily basis to maintain NC, you are in no way ready to date. Give yourself some breathing room and take some time off from dating to do your grief work and figure out how to be happy alone. You are trying to force yourself to be over your BH when it takes as long as it takes. Be gentle with yourself and accepting that you are just not done with your grieving yet.
One thing you can do is to start working on your obsessive thoughts about the BH. Susan has some pointers about this in her book. I use an acceptance/thought redirection technique myself. I will just tell myself, “Oh, look here I am thinking about the BH again.” Then, I’ll lead myself into a different direction with my thoughts. For instance, if I found myself thinking, “I miss the BH. I wonder what he’s thinking and doing right now?” I would tell myself, “It doesn’t matter what he’s thinking and doing right now because he is out of my life. I am just feeling lonely. What can I do to that might help me feel a little less lonely? I could plan an outing with some of my friends.” Then, I would engage my thought process in thinking up different outings I could plan. Now, this sometimes is not as easy to do as it might seem. There were days when I had to redirect my thoughts a hundred times because they kept circling back around to the BH. I was gentle with myself (it’s okay to have the passing thoughts) but firm (it’s not okay to keep dwelling on the thoughts and making them worse).
Thanks Blu.. I need as much input as I can get. I do try and do what Susan suggests.
I am having alot of issues with the no friends thing tho. I really dont have any save one who I actually met on a dating site and he is going through his own issues with a woman who just cant seem to make up her mind. Dating for me at this point is just trying to get Out there and meet people .. as friends because I dont have any other avenue to meet anyone.Believe me I have tried.
I know I have to learn how to be happy alone and for the most part I am doing it. The loneliness is a huge issue and I know that it is the root of the obsessing.I am a people person. I Really enjoy being with others,I enjoy talking to people,having fun,doing things so the total lack of human contact is a real struggle for me.I realised that other than one call about work last week my phone has not rung in three weeks or more. That other than “talking” to my buddy the only other human I have spoken to in weeks was the coffee date yesterday.Which lasted an hour.
I do redirect my thoughts but there are times when I just run out of other things to think about.. things to fill the hours when they quickly turn into days and weeks.
I guess I am just having an off week and this too shall pass
I am bad about meeting people, too. But, you don’t have to date to meet people. You can volunteer places, for one thing. Volunteering gets you out of the BH’s head, away from your own problems for a little while, and gives you the satisfaction of connecting with other people in a meaningful way. You can take classes, too. You can also look at the Meetup website to see if there are any groups meeting in your area. Many churches also have singles groups. You don’t have to use them as an avenue to meet someone to date, you can use them to make friends and have people to go places with.
If you are running out of things to think about, it looks like you need some more activities to fill up your time. Sounds like a boredom kind of thing. There are tons and tons of free online classes and hobbies you can explore. Start being creative.
Thanks again.. The volunteering? No place here( small town) No classes,no “groups”. I do play cards at community school once a week. But its just an older gentleman, me and a young girl who may or may not show up.It is basically a place for seniors(and their spouses) to have a nite out.
I have not felt all that cfreative lately.. which is sad because I am actually a very good artist.No doubt at all boredom is a big thing.
Even small towns have places to volunteer. Call around! There is a library or something there. You can volunteer to do online tutoring if nothing else. Challenge yourself to find ways to connect with other people in meaningful ways. Why don’t you see if the library could allow you to teach some arts projects to kids or adults?
Hi Justlee, I used to teach school in a small town and we had parents and the neighbours coming in to help out with the activities – art classes, theater, clubs and stuff.
Or perhaps check the local paper to see what’s on offer?
Think about it?
Peace
Verite,Ironically going into the classroom to teach is what I am getting paid one day a week for this winter. However,I wont be doing that till later on this winter when my “expertise” fits into the curriculum.
I use to go into my kids classes and teach art once in awhile when they were little, usually around holidays like easter or xmas. It Is a thought .
Our local “library” is one room that is only open a couple of hours a week and they dont offer anything beyond book lending.
There isnt even a seniors residence in town .
justlee. I like you had a low if not empty supply of girlfriends and support system other than my immediate family. I had to take the bull by the horns which was hard for me. I got on meet up.com
and tried to find a local single womens group but the closest one met on days that didnt fit into my work schedule . Then I found a womans support group at a church that I totally love. Its a place to go and be with other woman & share thoughts & stories. I am not one to do things by myself but have found just going to Starbucks, Barnes & Noble or the local mall & just watching people while enjoying a coffee is entertaining and I have met some really nice people. I guess my point is there are things available out there to broaden your social network you just have to put some effort into it but the rewards are tremendous…. You can do this !!!!!
The heart doesn’t have to listen. It just has to have no choice in the matter.
I was speaking to my old room mate and best friend from college. I had told her in the Fall that BH had moved out and filed for divorce but hadn’t spoken to her since (I’ve had a lot crammed into 6 months….unexpected and finalized divorce, surgery, recovery from all of the above)…. She said she kept expecting me to call and say BH had regained his senses and things would be back to normal. Alas, not my reality but I told her and fully believe I am OK. I don’t ever want people to think that I wanted a divorce…I wanted to honor the vows and covenant I made with him before God and family, I wanted him to work on things but that wasn’t the plan. I also told her that as sad as I am about the demise of the marriage, I know that I’m out of situation that was really not healthy for me. I had been on antidepressants for at least 10 years and entertained suicidal thoughts. I actually got off the meds in July once I started therapy and have stopped soothing myself with food (and have lost 20 pounds in the process). I look and more importantly FEEL better. I still have to sell my house and still need to find a job that can take care of my health insurance requirements, but I’m in a peaceful frame of mind. Actually, the more I’m away from BH, I see that maybe my perceived problems and depression resulted from BH and see that he has MANY issues he’s refusing to acknowledge/address.
She made one comment that I can’t keep thinking about. I told that I had become a raging codependent to his out of control narcissism. I had put up with a lot of crazy behavior and am relieved to be out from under all the criticism, overbearing demands, emotional detachment. I had said the one thing I’m working on is how to not live like that anymore and why did I put up with that for more than 20 years. She said it’s always been my nature to try to avoid conflict and be a pleaser. She recalled something when we lived together while we were in college. If she got mad or upset, then I would do something like make her bed or fold her clothes. She laughed and said our other friend said just to pretend to be mad at me and I’d make your bed.
That shocked me at the realization of how long my codependency has existed. I guess I’m scared that I’ll never break free of this self destructiveness. I’ve always “settled” for less, thinking that I didn’t deserve what I really wanted or ( maybe even BH would appreciate the sacrifices I made). I’m setting boundaries (with friends, family, BH), getting more self sufficient but hope it’s enough to escape the insecurity and low self worth that allowed me to accept the unacceptable. I’m in counseling and making great strides (even “graduated” to only having sessions every other week). Guess I’m battling some self-doubt this AM. My hope is I can overcome the 45 years of not being good to myself and it’s not too late to have a life that is fulfilling and healthy.
You are on the right track. It does not matter how long you have displayed co-dependent behavior (and it makes sense that it started in childhood). You did not know then what you know now. Now that you know, you have the ability to change and you are changing. Look at all the good things you’re doing with boundary setting!
My new mantra that I wanted to share:
I’ve set my standards high and if he can’t meet them, I don’t need him.
Love it!
I posted on the previous thread by accident, reposting on this current one.
I did it! I had a heartwrenching alone evening Friday, finally had my cry, over and over, and wondered why am I waiting till the end of the month to end it?
Saturday I told him it was over. It was by text, I needed the time lapses that text gives, so I could think straight. It was hard….(understatement).
Then I met our pastor’s wife for coffee. She has known him for 9 years and knew him thru the demise of his first (short) marriage., and us for 2 years. I have never given her any concrete examples of our issues, I have tried to be respectful and not “bashing”. I just said I really stuggle with certain dynamics in our relationship. I thought she’d give some generic “I’ll pray for you guys, let’s wait and see what God’s will is….” type of support. What she said blew me away…….”don’t answer the phone, don’t read any email…..change your number if necesaary…… walk away, and if you’re tempted to look back, think of Lot’s wife who turned to salt when she looked back at the destruction”……..wow.
I am done. It is over. I did it. I made it.
The feelings are swinging from elation, relief, loss, saddness, confusion.
Good work, Vision! Stick with all those emotions – they will sling you around – but know that you did the right thing. Forward! Into the future, into your own precious life. We’ve got your back!
Good for you! What an awesome, strong thing to do!! We all know how hard this is, and how painful. It’s great you had someone else give you some validation and support – that’s SO helpful. It will be emotional for awhile, so be extra gentle with yourself right now. Practice self-kindness and self-care. Be really, really good to yourself and rest in the knowledge that you did the right thing for yourself and for him.
Simply brilliant, Vision. Glad that you got some really good advice, and most of all, you listened.
The emotions will swing here and there. But like the pendulum, it will stop. You’re in control now. Take care
Verite, Medda and Tara,
Thanks! It helps so much to know there is a group here that has my back…..and that won’t tire of my stories and need for support!
That was profound that the pastor’s wife said that. God knows that she has seen. i am glad that you really heard her.
One book that got me primed for this journey–Susan’s book is taking me through it, is Christine Arylo’s
“Putting Me before We”. It was the awaking I was supposed to have. I am glad I read it first. From the tornado that resulted it certainly got me in space to take in all of Susan’s advice which helps to guide me through the whirlwind. A great combination for me.
Thanks.
This past weekend was a difficult one for me. I sent BH an email last week thanking him for all the support he gave my daughter after the break-up but that she was ready to focus on the future. I told him that she will always have a special place in her heart for him, and that we wished him all the best. It took two more emails after the first one to help him understand what I was trying to say. It upset me that I allowed him to put me in an uncomfortable situation. I reached out to the BH because my daughter fell into a deep depression after the break up and I, along with her therapist, felt that it was in my daughter’s best interest to see him and have her closure. My intent was never for him to continue being part of her life but was willing to put those feelings aside to help my daughter through this very difficult time. Early this year she decided she no longer wanted to have contact with him. She was ready to move on. We had a long heart to heart conversation and she said she was sure that she wanted to NC. I was talking to one of BH’s friend’s and she suggested that the best thing to do was to send him an email and inform him. I figured I would just wait around for him to call, but his friend felt why continue prolonging the healing. It’s been 6 months since the break up and all this time I have felt like I’ve been stuck in limbo. So I sent the email. I sent it because the goal was for my daughter to get closure and she did. I contacted him because I want to move on. I no longer want to hold onto the illusion that he is going to come to his senses. I contacted him because I don’t want this anger that is ripping me up inside to continue polluting my thoughts and emotions. I want to get to that place where I can look back and say, yes for the time that we were together it was good but it just wasn’t meant to be.
Here is what I am currently feeling: Guilt. I feel that the appropriate thing would have been to call him and tell him over the phone. I feel that I disrespected him because he was there for my daughter when in reality he could have said sorry she isn’t my kid so this isn’t my problem, but he didn’t. I’ve struggled with this emotion all weekend long. Why am I so concerned with how he his feeling? Why can’t I just let it go? Why am I feeling so guilty when I know I did the right thing? Most importantly, why do I feel like I am back to square one?
Last night I cried for the first time in months. My friend helped me realize that I left him because I wanted him to see how miserable his life would be without us, and of course that never happened. Everything that I did back fired one me. Things ended and instantly he was completely out of our lives. Soon after my daughter fell into a deep depression which resulted in suicidal thoughts and a short stay in a psychiatric hospital. And him, well he’s as happy as a clam while I am still trying to pick up the pieces.
I feel that this break up has been a roller coaster of emotions. I’m tired. Tired of feeling high and then low. When is it going to get better?
Perhaps now that I can finally go NC this little grey cloud that hovers over me will disappear and the sun will once again shine down on me.
Honey You Did do the right thing.. for your child and that is important. Now that she is in a better place you can do the right thing for YOU..
I undertsand exactly how you are feeling and if I am honest with myself I started the whole NC in an effort to make BH see how much he was missing without me. And Like you I realise that he is perfectly happy without me. Its very hard for me to get my head around how much pain I have been and am going through and yet His life just goes on without a blip. But you know what? It Doesnt Matter! None of it.
You feel guilty? why? You yourself saaid that ” he is as happy as a clam”so why are you worried about how He feels. You owe him nothing. He did the right thing for your daughter because he Wanted to,not to keep a scoreboard… not so say “you owe me”.
I completely undertsand being tired of the rollercoaster and wonder when this crazy ride will finally be over. BUT I also look back to the place I was a year ago and I see exactly how far I have come. and its a tiny light at the end of the tunnle.
Hang in there!!!
Also, when we read or hear that the ex is “happy as a clam” (really? I didn’t know clams were happy. Soon they’ll be grilled with butter, and how happy will they be THEN?), I really wonder if it’s grandstanding. Happy-talk. Wishful thinking. I give it a huge grain of salt; we have no idea what they’re really feeling.
And if they’re really feeling happy as a clam, with no insight, no reflection, no self-work, then their “happiness” is really a shallow, surfac-y thing that’s not based on a good hard look at themselves and their repeatedly-failed relationships. So their happiness ain’t worth very much, in my book.
It will get better when you are totally NC. He may have helped your daughter because it helped him as well. Don’t give him all this credit for being so wonderful and altruistic. It probably worked for him as well.
There is NO reason to contact him any longer and when you stop contacting him, you will begin to heal.
I know this post is closed, but thank you Susan, tara001 and justlee. It has been an emotional 6 month struggle keeping my feelings at bay for the sake of my daughter and the BH. But I am so ready to reject the rejector.
Good to hear!
Just Checking in.
I wanted to share some thoughts I have posted in another blog, the “why do we want a mate” blog. That is still where I’m at. I am still struggling with loss of personal power and dignity that I had, when he finally ended it. I am so desperately trying to be strong but just feeling like a fraud. I get sooooo angry that I want to cry from not being able to beat him soundly with a stick. Then I get calm and just get soo sad and long for him. I want to tell him about my day, see him, etc. It’s been 13 days of NC and I feel like I walk around the city a little bit “less than”. I think/hope this will pass. I haven’t done much in the way of work, except this site and all the exercises Susan has outlined in her book. My friends are more or less in relationships-Less cause those who aren’t have sworn them off, I think they could benefit from an inventory of sorts. Right now today, I do feel lost, empty and so Oh my God sad. I keep saying there was nothing wrong with me, and then I go through a series of simultaneous emotions that would make puberty seem like a walk in the park. Some days I’m strong, other days like today I can barely face the world. I dread seeing him again by accident–on the subway or riding his bike or what have you. I have no idea what I would say. Even if no one has a comment for me, it is just good to read what others have and are going through and feels good to get it out. I wonder if I will ever be better, if I will ever love myself enough to never go through this again, or trust myself enough to be happy again. This grief thing is profound isn’t it?
From my “Why do you want a mate” posts, There are two entries I made……I just feel rather confused. Sorry for the length of them: January 29th, 2012
Wow, I can’t believe these posts. I feel like I want to comment but I am not sure what to say…..
My ex and I met on line. In hindsight (which is always 20-20), he was not ready for a relationship. More importantly, I wasn’t. If I was I never would have chosen him. In the first six months, I was told:
My “look” is too “Italian”, I am African-Canadian.
I was too sexy
I listened to garbage music
I had fake friends
I lived a fake life in my twenties (before I even met him, so how did he know?)
I wasn’t witty enough
I didn’t have enough friends
I didn’t have enough hobbies/outside interests
I was too strong and independent-It emasculated him-that’s why sex was so awkward
-I was too athletic looking, I didn’t have enough womanly fat on me.
-I wasn’t trying to be his friend enough
After 6 months and constant fighting-he used some drugs (coke I believe), cheated on me, lied to me and then blamed me-said all my fighting with him caused him to become distant and cheat.
Then we broke up…..three months later, I called him and we started up again….though the onus was placed on me to be a “good girlfriend” – i.e, not to always get upset with him, but to be myself.
See when I had met him I was coming off a three year off and on again relationship with what I can onl describe as an “emotional schizophrenic” individual. I SHOULD HAVE taken time off. But I didn’t. As a result I went through an identity crisis. I wasn’t sure who I was….I brought that into the relationship. I wasn’t being the woman I really was…..but I couldn’t. I was hurting from a long time of emotional deprivation…..I didn’t know yet who I was.
We tried for a year to make it work, the person he cheated on me with was in his circle of friends, which meant I was subjected to seeing her more than once. When I asked him to reconfigure his friends, I became the unreasonable and insecure one. He wanted me to be mature but would emotionally shut down after a fight. He wanted me to again “change” my ways:
-Don’t swear so much
-Listen to CBC more, I’ll be more “well rounded” and not just “book smart”
-Wear these shoes instead of my “Italian Gina” shoes
-Stop speaking with an Italian accent—–I went to school and studied Italian. I even lived in Italy for a while. It was a part of me he didn’t like.(He is White-Canadian) I speak Italian, French and a bit of Spanish
-wear sexy clothes again (remember I was Too sexy before), but not too sexy. I was an educated woman–”why would you wear slutty clothes for Halloween?, wear a clever costume”
-Be more lively when we go out.
-Take up singing again
-take up acting again
-go out with you friends more
-go to the gym more-I’m getting too skinny
-Don’t wear Track Pants, only “dirtbags” wear track pants, not successful people—No joke, he says people who wear track pants out of their house look like “dirtbags”.
-Don’t do your PhD – go and work and have a real job
I wasn’t okay as I was. I am doing a Masters Degree in Political Science. I work two jobs, own two homes, and I have an pretty active social life, when time permits it.
My ex:
-lives above a store
-can’t afford a car
-owes the government more than I owe in Student loans
-IS NOT SUCCESSFUL AT ALL IN HIS CAREER
his list does go on.
He told me I don’t make him feel “safe”, He was always walking on egg shells. He said I was always angry, he never knew what mood I was in…..after a year and a half of having my SELF degraded he couldn’t understand why I always felt insecure, awkward and resentful. Why I was angry with him and always took what he said as a criticism-resulting in fights. He wasn’t “always” criticizing me he said. I was just “too sensitive”
Sounds like a peach eh?
Why did I stay? …..for anyone who may read this and feel like it could be you, this site has empowered me to know that I am not alone.
1. My mother and father fought all the time as when I was a kid. She had her own self-esteem issues (she should have divorced my dad) and took them out on me. I had a very troubled relationship with her.
She died 11 years ago right as we were beginning to heal our relationship and see each other as women. I am now really starting to feel her absence. I didn’t get to have a self-affirming relationship with her before she died. I am still looking for her approval in the men I date.
2) My father has dementia, so I am losing another parent, another source of identity and love…….
3) After my mother died, I was in a co-dependant relationship with my family. Completely losing myself to the role of a mother from age 22 to age 31.
4) I feel ashamed for not having a mom and having a dad who is suffering from dementia, like I am damaged goods. All my ex’s were “momma’s boys” who never had to deal with hardship. I always had a very “dramatic life for them”–you know the “drama” of taking care of myself and a family, securing my future and taking care of an ailing parent. I wasn’t “drama-free” to go out to the bars and have fun every weekend. I was working.
5) I am 33 and feel like I have/am missing the boat on love and children.
6) After my previous relationship (with emotional void person) I felt empty and out of touch with myself, I just wanted someone to fill the gapping holes that were growing after each unsuccessful relationship.
7) Lack of connection with myself….couldn’t see the forest through the trees.
Whew!!!–I apologize for this length of post. Though Seeing it in black and white really hits home….it makes this process easier. It makes me understand myself so much more and his role in my life, and it makes me FORIVE MYSELF AND APPRECIATE MYSELF SO MUCH MORE……. I want to give up on this whole “being better for yourself thing”and go back to my old ways. This is so much work and so hard.
But Susan’s right—”Don’t give up the day before the miracle happens”, Wait until tomorrow
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POST #2
……I don’t want to say it was all his fault. That is being trapped in my anger and playing the victim-a role I no longer wish to have . He taught me many things about life, love and myself. That I was not perfect. I did not go into this relationship perfect. I was angry and distrusting of men from previous uncompleted relationships. In order for me to move on, I must face the reality of my contributions to my undoings and OWN THEM as much as I am learning to OWN my new sense of empowerment. My insecurities about myself before I met him. My lack of love and self-worth before I met him. My co-dependant tendencies. My lack of boundaries that led me to carry his emotional bags whilst neglecting my own. My “I can save him” mentality that gave him more chances then he deserved. My descent in to a more critical, angry, spiteful and hurtful person-someone I didn’t like or respect. My own lack of respect – that I didn’t know I didn’t have before I met him. My neglect of my intuition. My putting him and the relationship before ME. My allowance of his friends to disrespect our union. My staying when I should have left……when I should have never entered into the relationship to begin with. All these things (and more) are unfortunate truths. Truths that I must acknowledge so I can be rid of them forever. Truths that I did not contribute to the fostering of a healthy, strong partnership. I was not healthy or strong when I started this partnership. I need to remember and pay homage to the person I was so I may never be her again but a better, stronger and more loving (of myself) version of her. I will take time alone to get to know this person and love her with gentleness and truth into reality.
Although I have experienced some of life’s most trying moments, from Susan’s book, this blog and much needed support from loved ones and counsellors I feel like I am learning more about myself and grief for the first time.
This is tough….man is it ever tough, but instead of hoping one day He’ll see the light, I now say, One day I will become my own light.
Source: Getting Past Your Breakup (http://s.tt/15n6B)
Source: Getting Past Your Breakup (http://s.tt/15n6B)