Good relationships are born of positions of strength in both partners. It’s not a power struggle, it’s not a hunger to be filled. It’s a fabulous addition to an already pretty cool life. It makes life better and enlarges your choices and your life. It helps you sit back and concentrate on what you want from this one, precious (and very short) life you have. A good relationship makes working easier, parenting better, family time richer and gives you the time and space to work on things and be involved with things that make you you (separate and apart from your family and partner). That is what a good relationship and a loving partner does for you.
So why have you spent time in bad relationships with terrible people? Or not-so-good relationships with somewhat not-okay people? Why have you spent time with takers? Why have you spent time with people who narrow your life instead of enlarging it? People who steal valuable time from your work, your family, your hobbies, your “me” time? Someone who is such a chore there is no time or energy left over for you or for the things you care about? Why do you want “someone” as opposed to someone great? Why are you afraid of being alone? Why do you settle? What are your issues in and out of relationships that keep leading you to the dry well for water? And why are you spending SO much time trying to stay away from this person or spending so much time STILL thinking about the person who is so beneath you and your ideals and your morals and your good judgment? Why?
Answer in comments and we’ll talk about changing it.
Never a truer word spoken. I wrote a post in an earlier Check in Thread about my current / soon to be very much over situation. I don’t deserve to have to compromise to the point where its a detriment to my happiness and thinking time. Compromise should only come from a place where as long as you’re both in it together for the right reasons and want to be involved as much as each other then you figure the problems that crop up – together. For too long I felt like I’ve ridden on the coattails of someone else’s plans for themselves and not fully taken into consideration what I deserve from the situation. My outlook was always one of Us, and I was dealing more with a fantasist who couldn’t deal with reality, especially not the fundamental important aspects of togetherness.
I need to remember my core values, my gut has been screaming out for ages that what I’ve allowed myself to put up with, just isn’t good enough anymore.
Reading through this string – there are so many things that resonate with me. So many similiar experiences to my own. To hear other people put their feelings into words – it’s almost like you’re in my head and your words describe my feelings exactly.
It’s so interesting to hear someone else talk about how they were dealing with a fantasist and not a realist. Me too. At the time, I was happy. I ignored warning signs and avoided the arguments (because any arguments we had just blew up in my face). I just wanted to love this guy. And now I see him for what he truly is. A complete mess with serious issues. I know I deserve better than this. But I have to stop and question, wonder why….why did I stay? Why did I put up with it? I didn’t put up with BS in the past. What was it about THIS GUY that I lost myself in it? Did I want to believe his words about a future so badly? Was I afraid to be alone because of my age? Did I want marriage and a baby so much and he promised me those things that it was my goal and nothing else matters? is my self esteem so poor that I think I’m not pretty enough, interesting enough or good enough to find someone else and I will just take this guy because i thought he saw something in me when no one else did?
I am trying to do soul searching and figure these things out so I know what mistakes not to make in the future.
My BH definitely had a temper. And was a master manipulator, even if he didn’t realize it. He was so immature and selfish. He wouldn’t deal with any serious discussions, communication, trying to work things out. He would look at me with so much hate. It hurt me so much. How could he look at me with so much love and then so much hate? When it came time to end things, he was so cruel. I was completely shocked. He had asked me to look at engagement rings two weeks before. he was so back and forth; fickle. Couldn’t make up his mind whether he loved me, I was the “best thing that ever happened to him” or if he was ready for a relationship. yet, he wouldn’t let me go. He didn’t want me to meet anyone else. he didn’t want to lose me, even though he wasn’t “in it”. he tried to be. That’s the thing. You can’t force it. you either feel it. Or you don’t.
I gave him everything back. I wanted no reminders of him. And then he continued to text me. This confused me. If you found someone else to pursue, why keep the contact? I will never understand this. It’s almost like he knew I was such a great girl, he didn’t want to lose me completely from his life. But if that were true, he should have handled things better. he shouldn’t have burned the bridge and said such horrible things to my face. He completely rejected me. I don’t want to keep a person in my life who can be so non-chalant like that. Who could be so cruel.
My parents didn’t have the best relationship and I feel like it’s getting worse. All they do is fight. it makes me sad. I remember being 15 years old and telling my own father that this family needed counselling. I wish he hadn’t swept everything under the rug and ignored it because it didn’t go away.
I have done a lot of work to try to answer those questions for myself. Then answers aren’t pretty, but at least now that I know the answers, I am working on them!
1. “Having someone”,,,,anyone, validates my worth. I feel unwanted, socially, when I don’t have someone. I feel undesireable.
2. I feel I owe everyone the benefit of the doubt, over and over, no matter what they do to me. Since I am not perfect, why do I feel I can expect other people to be perfect? Also, since I always think “it takes two to create this problem”, I focus on what I am contributing to the issue, and what I need to change about myself, rather than calling someone out on their behavior.
3. Rejection and emotional turmoil are familiar. Victim is a familiar role.
4. I need to prove to him, myself and the world that I am not failing at yet another relationship.
5. I have never (until now) dealt with the pain of an ending, I have always ended with someone else in mind to fill the void. When I felt the pain of ending, or the pain of him moving on, I panicked and get him back to me, to feel secure and have the pain go away.
6. As soon as I am with someone, I start bending my standards to make it work. I once recall putting on my eHarmony profile (years ago) that I would not tolerate porn or drug or violent tempers……yet when I discovered that my boyfriend at the time smoke weed daily, was a porn addict with a vicious temper, I thought “I can work with this”.
This insight has been like the Ugly Truth for me, and a wake up call. If I don’t face each one, I will continue this pattern of misery.
That’s why I am here!!!!
Here’s a post on Benefit of the Doubt:
http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/2011/09/12/benefit-of-the-doubt-who-deserves-it-who-does-not/
What you said really hit home for me and so did the post on benefit of the doubt.
I have struggled with this too…always giving him the benefit of the doubt because of his situation with the soon to be ex wife. He blamed all of his behavior on this situation…he would say only if she’d leave him alone he would be so angry, scream, or have other women around as back up plans in case we didn’t workout. I started to have to give him the benefit of the doubt about two weeks in to dating. Of course I made excuses for his treatment of me and tried changing myself to make things better but they never got better in fact his treatment of me got worse. Thank you for response you gave me a lot to think about as I’m finding my own answers.
I to don’t want to continue this pattern.
No Contact = 6 days and counting
Break up = 2 1/2 weeks
That is crazy. How bout if I wasn’t such an asshole I wouldn’t act like an asshole.
Never ever ever ever excuse mistreatment. There is NO excuse for it! EVER.
Vision2012:
I think we have the same list. I am currently in the middle of a divorce with my husband of almost 8 years. He cheated multiple times (although I only just found out about them). He also repeatedly lied to me that he was done seeing his latest affair. He even sat on the couch next to me in marriage counseling lying about how he wanted to work things out with me, all the while still seeing “her”. After he moved out, the very next day he begged me to put my rings back on my hand and not divorce him. When I told him I needed time, he was at her house screwing her later the same day. He had a serious addiction to porn, and an evil temper. Many, many days I felt like I was walking on eggshells wondering what kind of mood he was going to be in, not wanting to wake the dragon. He would yell at our infant son for no reason. Yet, here I am with a broken heart longing for our marriage, and sometimes wondering if filing for divorce was the right decision. I feel insane! How could I allow myself to want that life to continue??
Your #1 screams at me now! I am very new into this situation (only weeks) and am looking forward to the day I can say I am over this searing pain and confusion. I know I will be happy and complete again someday, and I have to find that within myself. Noone can do it for me.
Wow… this post is something I needed. Because its something I REALLY need to dig deep inside of me about.
@Vision2012 — Number 6 on your list REALLY struck me. I am the EXACT same way. I would never tolerate the daily use of weed or porn addiction yet that is exactly what my ex BH was! And for some reason, that I NEED to figure out, I let it go and thought it was something “I can work with”. My BH didn’t have a temper but he was manipulative and a narcissist.
I can relate to your number 1 as well. Growing up I was the girl that was “one of the guys”. Or the “you are like a sister to me”. Ugh. I think it gave me this complex of “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not pretty enough” “Why don’t the boys want to be in a relationship with me”. Even though I do think I have a great personality and I’d say I’m a fairly attractive person it has tanked my self-esteem and confidence about myself. So being in a relationship validates my worth and makes me feel loved and wanted.
I also think my problem stems from my parents’ unstable and unhealthy relationship. They are DEFINITELY not good role models in that department. Instead of just getting a divorce they stayed together “for the kids” and I think it just made things worse. I mean NO 7th grader should be telling their parents they need to get a divorce. So I think that I just desperately want to have a better relationship then they do and will do anything to make sure that happens. Which in turn just leads to an unhealthy relationship… UGH.
I will be working with my counselor next week with the topic of dating again. I need to tackle these issues before I can truly have the relationship that I want. I know I shouldn’t be rushing things. Hopefully I can start having some peace with everything.
i am not 100% sure this post fits the criteria here, but i will give it a shot.
My ex of 6 years and i split earlier this month.
i still want her…feel like i NEED her to feel whole…i still have along journey ahead of me….
I know it was best for me, and being apart scares me, but a future without the abuse is better than the need to cling to her for all the wrong reasons.
She is emotionally immature and acted very child-like during arguments …sullen, silent, even looked away when i would cross her field of view when angry.
here is the thing:
She was insistent on trying to leave some of her things here after she moved out.
it puzzled me. it made no sense.
She so COLDLY and without a shred of remorse or guilt ended it
She CLEARLY expressed her desire to move on, was not in love with me anymore, did not see us together forever, and the ol’ “I’m not getting any younger you know ” classic line while she very matter-of-fact broke up with me, while i cried and she sat stone faced and offered me nothing in the way of comfort.
So why the need for me to be a “storage locker” for her stuff?
She has the room to take it all, but wants to leave the bedroom set here until she moves out of her moms and finds her own place.,…which she changed her story on when she would leave her mom’s place over a 4 day period from 30 days to 1 year to 3-5 years if she can save enough money to get a down payment for her own house…????
YET, we are done. over. no chance of reconciliation.
What gives? Any input or insight would help.
BACKGROUND:
She did this with her last boyfriend….after dating me for 6 months she called to get back some misc. items, he had already moved the stuff to his sisters place where she eventually went and got it….and it was old books, some flatware..a hodgepodge of items really, nothing important. That box went in my garage the day she picked it up. She never opened it…not once.
So back to the present – i refused to have anything left here , made her take everything – and i mean it ALL- she took all BUT the bedroom set – i was currently using it, so i let that slide. i am renting a storage locker this weekend and will put it there for eventual pick up.
It seems to easy to be about leaving the door open….not after how she ripped my heart out when she left…any ideas? She immature and maybe she didn’t think out the exit plan….after all, i had her out 5 days after she broke the news! ( yeah me!)
And yet here i sit…still wanting her with a big part of me still tied to her….
This response could be seen as slightly immature on my part but only because I have no remorse for you ex for what she did to you. I’d put it in my driveway and tell her to come get it. If it wasn’t gone by the end of the day… sell it on craigslist and buy yourself something nice with the money.
You don’t owe her any favors. And it would be better for YOUR healing process to not have to see her again for anything.
When I broke up with my ex I left a 48in TV at his apartment. As far as I’m concerned he can have it and do whatever he wishes with it. Because it wasn’t worth the pain of talking or seeing him again just to get it back.
The difference between our situations is my BH had my things and your BH is asking you to hold on to something. Both outcomes are that we should let the items go for our own good.
Thanks manapink.
i need some advice from the people here…what is the motivation behind almost bgging me to let her leave stuff with me? She even said she’d pay me to leave it there until ” 3-6 months down the road when we are in a better place” Huh? a better place? maybe to her it will be as she is in the next relationship with the guy she cheated on me with…but to see her then will put me back to square one !
ITS OVER – she made that very clear.
i am confused…and this is definately keeping me tied to her memory and impeding my recovery….I sleep in that bed every night – alone!
i dont know what the motive is….why do that if you said over and over while preparing to move out : “not in love with me anymore….we are over…dont dwell on it, just move on” ??
Why not take ALL your stuff then?
Any advice or insight would help….struggling to wrap my head around the reasons…and i fear i may be to close to it all to see it clearly….ughhh…this hurts….i cant wait for this to hurt even alittle less than it does now……still want to throw up when i think of her with a new guy…..
Not to be insensitive, but honestly, the first thing that popped into my head when I read about your ex using you as a storage locker is, “Because she can.”
She is doing it because she can. Perhaps she gets some kind of cruel pleasure out of knowing she can manipulate you. Perhaps she is taking advantage of the knowledge that you still care enough to let her get away with this type of behavior. Perhaps she is just a lazy b*tch. We don’t know her underlying motivation, but she IS doing it because she CAN do it. You did not immediately say no, you didn’t say it was not ok. Instead, you are going to spend money on a storage unit for her stuff? Why are you still catering to her needs? Clearly, you are offended by her using you like this and rightfully so. She is an adult, she has the resources to take care of her own belongings.
I wouldn’t even rent a storage locker. Why should you spend money on that? To pay rent on it while you wait for her to get around to picking it up? That still ties you to her and essentially still catering to her needs. I am also in the camp that says give her notice that over the weekend you are putting everything in the driveway and if it’s not gone by the end of the day, you’re selling it all on craigslist or dumping it at the Salvation Army/Goodwill. Set your boundaries — you are not a storage locker. If I could, I’d march over and throw her stuff out myself and then take you shopping for a new bed. Out with the old, in with the new!
I agree with Court.. I put my ex’s tennis shoes in a bag on my curb and let him know if the weren’t gone by a certain day, they were gonna be picked up by Salvation Army. He didn’t come by, and I donated ‘em. Not my problem. And not yours!
There are charities, by the way, that will come by and pick up larger furniture like beds. Can’t remember, but you can google charities that pick up or something.
She’s a user and you don’t have to put up with her mind games about keeping her stuff. If you’ve had it more than a few weeks, it’s her responsibility to get the stuff or it’s yours to do whatever with.
I like the curb idea, myself. Don’t let her keep messing with your head. Let us know what you decide to do, okay? Time to move on!
How funny timing is….i was literally at my lowest point on the drive home. i had to pull over and cry on the shoulder of a major highway. 45 years old, crying like a baby as i realized i hit rock bottom….the grief stage was firmly upon me……I read your posts when i got home.
i am going to put the bedroom set in storage. i don’t care about the money…the relief of not seeing it as a constant reminder that someday, outta the blue, she would contact me about it.
Guess what?
When i checked my email, she had reached out after 3 weeks of No Contact.
We had a trip booked since the summer for an out of town wedding….and one of the last things i said to her before she left was that i needed the trip info so i could either pay her off for my portion or potentially use the ticket. that was 3 weeks ago…and as if almost on cue, as i hit the lowest i have EVER been in my life, she reaches out.
i don’t want to read into it, or even really react at this point, so here it is:
“Hi, Unfortunately you have to use this ticket within one year of the booking date, which was 6/15/11. That doesn’t leave you much time. sorry”
Nice and business -like, just like the way she ended our relationship.
Why reach out now after 3 weeks of silence?
That trip isn’t until May….if i know her, this is just tying up loose ends (althought the bedroom set is a HUGE loose end as far as i am concerned)
You guys need to talk me outta responding…part of me is elated to have any sort of contact…the rest of me is upset all over again…..Advice?
There’s nothing really to be read into that at all, unfortunately. You asked her a question and she answered it–and just stuck to the facts–3 weeks after you asked the question. I know it hurts, but that doesn’t seem like someone reaching out to me. It sounds like someone who might want you to pay off your half of ticket so she can recoup some of the cost, is all.
Don’t hold onto her bed, really–not even in storage. The WORST thing I did when I broke up with my ex is keep some of his stuff here. It’s AWFUL having the stuff of someone you are no longer with cluttering up your house. I clung on to his stuff in some desperate hope that he would become a better person and we’d get back together and I kept using it as an excuse to contact him when he didn’t contact me. He used his stuff as an excuse to contact me when he wanted a booty call. Save yourself the pain of all that and tell her she has X number of days to get her bed and then it’s being sent to charity.
thanks….the more i thought about it, the more I realized it was what i said it was: tying up a loose end.
The bedroom set is an issue….i don’t want to start a lot of back and forth between us…i was actually quite ok with the No Contact and my resolve to keep it up for my sanity….ya know what i mean?
I guess i bite the bullet, respond to the email about the ticket and give her X amount of days to retrieve her bedroom set…..thanks for all the support…i will let you know how it goes!
One thing is for sure….that contact shocked me when i saw it, but it also reminded me almost immediately that i still have alot of work to do…my feelings for her are still very strong…..i have to take it 1 day at a time….thanks again to all of you for your comments!
One day at a time. You got this!
This seems to be the story of my life…..and old friend emailed me today and said that my ex has put the following comment on FaceBook yesterday:
“finally happy these days !”
He and i havent talked in awhile, but he heard about the break up and wanted to touch base with me to see if i was ok…hearing that didnt help my progress, but he didnt mean to be hurtful in telling me.
I asked him NOT to tell me anything else regarding her FaceBook status.
i told him the story.
he was appalled and shocked that she was capable of the things she did.
That comment hurt to hear…but then again, it could be the reason it was posted in the first place: knowing it would get back to me….any thoughts?
(i blocked her on FaceBook the day she moved out…and i haven’t cyber-stalked her – not even once since 1/8/2012…..
Thanks…..
For some reason it won’t let me reply directly to your comment THISWILLPASS67 so hopefully you catch this…
It wouldn’t surprise me if she was at least hoping you would see it. A week after my BH and I broke up he wrote all kinds of things on Facebook that really hurt. Like how he was out skateboarding with his brother and was “high and drunk and it was the best he has felt in over a year”. Mind you, we broke up the DAY before our 1 year anniversary. I blocked him right after I read that.
Then I would have friends tell me about things he was posting… like stuff about being “so into red-heads right now” (long story about that but I knew it was meant to hurt). Or just negative stuff about women and relationships in general. Hearing that kind of stuff did not help so I had to ask them to stop.
Reading your post first thing I thought was.. your friend needs to STOP telling you that stuff! Then I was glad to hear that you told him to because it is only prolonging your healing.
Social media can become an ugly thing during a breakup (it got really bad for me so I gave up Facebook for 5 weeks!) but don’t let what she says define you or how you feel. Just focus on you and making this situation the BEST thing that ever happened to you. Remember that you are willing to do the grief work and become a better person because of this. One day you will find a true relationship with someone while she will still be the same person that is incapable of being in a unhealthy relationship.
I definitely understand what it feels like to have strong feelings for someone like that and to get jolted by sudden contact. That’s why I highly suggest getting all her stuff out of your place. It is just way too easy to start up the back and forth stuff if you’re having a weak moment and you have this built in excuse of having someone else’s belongings around. And, you are on the right track by saying that that no contact is the key to keeping up your sanity. It doesn’t feel like it at first, generally. It feels kind of awful. But, when you have breathing room, you can get out of the other person’s head and back into your own and figure out your life.
Dear THISWILLPASS67-
Don’t hang onto items. If she doesn’t come get it, get rid of it. Storing it is a waste of your money. You are hanging on. It only hurts. No contact. No response. You got your answer. And no connection to FB. I cut my ties with my BH’s friends. I didn’t want to keep them in my life as my friends. I have enough of my own friends. He can keep his friends. Their allegiance is to him first anyway. I was never connected to him on FB and I’m glad. I don’t need to hear what he’s up to, who he’s seeing. It hurts too much. You cannot heal if you do not cut the ties completely. It’s tough. Trust me, I know. But the sooner you go NC, get rid of stuff and no more communication, your healing will begin.
Plenty of people gave me advice on returning his stuff or donating it to Goodwill. I wanted to be a good person. Fortunately I didn’t have any of his furniture (he’s a financial ruin…doesn’t have any and lives with his mother). I know you are in a predicament. In the end, you are an adult and everyone will have a different opinion. You will have to make the choice that works best for you and hopefully helps you in your healing. Good luck with your decisions and choices.
Thought I would pipe in. I agree with bluskye–her response was all business and your response to her about the bedroom set should also be all business. Straight and to the point. Vent your emotions to us on this blog, but be as emotionless as possible in this last response to her. Then…that’s it. Back to complete NC because now it’s time for YOU to take care of YOU! Good luck!
Dear ThisWillPass,
Leaving her stuff with you is a form of control (just like some gifts are a form of control) – this way, she gets to keep a part of herself with you and gets to control when and how she will contact you. It keeps you on your toes and restless and pining after her every time you see it. Bingo!
The best thing I did after the break-up is give everything back in one go – I lifted with super-human strength borne out of anger, a freezer and outside umbrella and stand into my car and took it to him. I also cleared out all his stuff, shaving cream, clothes etc and left them at his office. I also threw into the river the heart he had given me and deleted every single email of his. I put all his photos onto a hard-drive (it was a wonderful relationship at the time and did me a lot of good and I will look at them in 10 years and remember the good memories) and burned all the other stuff on a big bonfire on the beach. It was the best thing I could have done. Now, there are no longer any reminders everywhere I turn and the place is now fully mine.
Do not even contact her about when, how and where to fetch anything. Just leave a message that it can be collected and DO NOT RESPOND to her contact. It is honestly the best thing you can do for yourself. You may think that you are strong enough to contact her. It is not how you feel before you contact her, that is the problem – it is after. Somehow, after the contact, you take 10 steps back and have to start all over again.
One step at a time and you can do this!
I’m glad that you are going to get rid of the bedroom set, but putting it into storage is really not the best solution. You might be putting it out of sight, but you know AND SHE KNOWS, that you are still holding onto it. If you rent it, you are connected to that storage unit. Don’t ignore that.
You say money isn’t an issue, so why not use the money instead to hire movers to take all the furniture for you and deposit it at her parents house? Or take it to the salvation army? That way, you won’t even have to lift a finger during the process. I’m just pointing out that there is more than one way to use money to resolve this situation. You putting it in storage is not the appropriate solution if you truly want to move on.
You’ve been through hell and the journey isn’t over. I apologize if i am pushing, I hope you don’t take my advice the wrong way. All we want is for you to be good to yourself, and that includes letting go of the bedroom set once and for all, on your terms, as soon as possible.
I agree. Get rid of it.
I did keep my set from the MoAB (we had just bought it a year before we split and it was the first new bedroom set I had ever owned) and when I met Michael he knew we had broken up 10 years before and I had been in relationships between the two. He never spent one night in my room until we were moving in together two months before our wedding. I was amazed that no other guy had an issue with that. I do believe I had made it “mine” over the years, but he said a bedroom set is so intimate, I don’t think we should start our life together on one you had with someone else even if that someone else was many years before. I didn’t have the money to get rid of it when we first separated but over the years I certainly could have and, when I think about it, should have.
Of course I adored Michael but in moving, one of the things I did not take was his dresser (the same one he picked out when we got married) and the matching end tables. I have no plans to share my room with anyone but I wanted my new bedroom to be a lot of new stuff. I still have our photos here, but put away most of our knickknacks and figurines we sent to each other. I wanted a “fresh” look and I am still working on it and keeping some our our mementos but I do think that a bedroom is a place to definitely make your own and give it your own spin. It’s a place you spend a lot of time and I agree…GET RID OF THE SET!
Court, Susan, mollyp, Natalie, blusky, Jackie…all of you…THANK YOU.
I cannot express how grateful I am that you took the time to REPEATEDLY reply and offer advice…
I sent her an email – 3 simple lines;
“please make arrangements to pick up the bedroom set within the next 2 weeks.
it is in my garage until it is picked up.
email me the pickup date and time when determined….you have 2 weeks”
I bought a new bed frame after work, and my buddies and i hauled all the bedroom set items to the garage for safekeeping.
based on her pattern as i mentioned, leaving stuff behind is now not an option here, she doesn’t get to repeat that pattern with this man!
Some 25 days after she broke my heart, it can all be over.
I still miss my distorted view of her and us…but my friends remind me constantly of how she cheated, verbally and emotionally abused me, used me for 2 years and took advantage of my big heart.
She will never change and is always going to be this way.
i am almost completely free…once my garage is empty i am on the way to REAL recovery.
As one friend put it:
“She is now someone else’s problem to deal with…poor bastard has no idea what he is in for”
it is her loss in the end.
and you know what?
IT DOESN’T MATTER !!
God bless you all and thanks….I have found a home here…i will offer my insight and advice as much as i can
( 45 year old man’s perspective after all i have been put thru can’t hurt, right?)
We are glad you are here and want to hear your perspective!!! Glad you will be sticking around!
I am desperate to find a mate. Here are my reasons why:
1. Fear. I turned 40 this year and feel like the best years of my life are gone. I am over the hill and it will be even harder to find someone so I hold onto anyone who will have me. I feel that I am running out of time and I am becoming more unattractive and ineligible by each passing minute.
2. Insecurity. I have always felt that no one will ever love me. I’ve felt that way since I was a teen. When someone does, it validates me in a way nothing else does. Sex is easy, but love eludes me. My deepest desire is to love someone and be loved in return.
3. Addiction. The feeling of being connected to another person, to be desired and wanted is such an incredible feeling to me. I feel elated when my feelings are reciprocated, as if it is magic. I am addicted to the thrill and elation of mutual attraction and I try to hold onto it as long as I can, even when I feel that they no longer feel that way towards me. I never want to let go, I keep wishing that things will go back to the beginning, I work and fight to get it back. I am addicted to the high of falling in love with someone. I keep chasing that dragon.
Yes,yes and yes except I am 53.
Court and Justlee – I’n 66, and sometimes feel that way too! Got into this last relationship a year ago – total lying immature narcissist BH – but believe me, your life (love llife) is FAR from over! I turn down jerks regularly, but know also that there are mature guys who’ve looked at their shit and have done their work and can relate to others with deep caring and connection. Soon I’ll be 70, and after that, one day I’lll be dead. Not quite yet, tho, unless my horse flings me in the dirt too many more times like she did last Thurs. But remember that wonderful phrase from Monty Python and the Holy Grail — the guy sits up in the black plague wagon and says “I’m not dead yet!” (I want a tshirt that says that!) But I have a lot of life and love in me for the right guy — the good thing about time is that we no longer want to waste our time — which is precious — on lying, cheating, disingenuous mind-games players, nuh uh. Not for you guys, either! We rock. Just sayin.’
Thanks Tara!!
At my age I am looking at the younger people here and thinking you have soooo much time and choices.
My totally immature narcissist BH is 44.. Old enough I thought to be an adult.. wrong.I dont think age has much to do with it. But I am finding that the older I and “they” get the more baggage that seems to come with them.
No kidding, Justle! My 64-year old ex looks at this 22-year old waitress in a hotel where we’e staying and says — to ME — “See that cute waitress?” “Yes,” I respond, thinkig he’s going to say something sweet and grandfatherly about her “I’d like to take her upstairs and f**k her into a coma,” he says.
WTF?????
The really messed-up part is it took me a whole friggin’ WEEK before I realized Nuh-uh, this is SO creepy and disrespectful and objectifying of women and narcissistic and just plain cruel to me. After a week, I reallized I neither loved nor respected him anymore. Shoulda walked out immediately when he said that, but I was too insecure, confused yadda yaddda. So yes, older guys are also narcissistic assholes. I still mourned the “loss” of what I thought (ok, fantasized) I had, but that was never there, never real. He was always an egocentric jerk that I gave “the benefit of the doubt” to. NEVER again! They’re gonna have to earn my trust, my benefit of the doubt, in the future.
The good news is I will heal and move on.. He, on the other hand, will be a narcissistic asshole for the rest of his pathetic life.
So, I dump him AND his 64 years of baggage. Out to the curb.
Tara! I smiled at your post. But it must of been painful none the less.
I have been doing some online dating and I am totally amazed at how many “mature” men out there are thinking with their “small head” . Makes me wonder if they ever grow out of that.
And conversely I am finding so many that are Soooo desperate for a “soul mate” when I am not ready for that kind of commitment. what every happened to friends first?
Hey Tara,
I needed to hear this tonight. Still recovering from my break up a month ago from my BH who greeted me with “you can drive, and you can pay for parking”, when I wanted to go to a movie in the city. No “nice to see you” blah, blah, blah. Not to mention, no hugs, no sex and an inability to talk about anything emotional. I had enough!!
I feel a little unglued this week..a vague feeling of emptiness. Luckily I’m meeting my kids in DC this weekend and babysitting for my grandson.
Then I was having a little trouble figuring out my airport stuff and started to miss my ex who lived near the airport. How’s that for lame?????
I really, really want to be okay without a relationship…I mean really okay.!!!!
Justlee, my feelings exactly. I am 44 and I was in my late 30s when I first met my ex BH. I thought it was my last call. Yup. Last call for the flight to hell. Think I will be flying solo for a bit
The ex was about 20 years older. One of those people who only have the capacity to grow older but not mature. Baggage? He’s got enough for several truck loads, at least.
Court, fighting to keep someone that is not worth it gives me a permanent migraine. And I told my ex BH just that.
And Tara001, thanks for the post. Always cracks me up when I read one of yours
Verite…Yes! My ex is so… well screwed up But he had the inate ability to make ME feel like I was the one that had issues. The best was the final “breakup” when he suggested I needed to get help because I had normal feelings. something he just doesnt understand.
I Like to think that he kept running away everytime he should of stepped up to the plate. I am choosing to shut the door behind him.
I think I am moving on. Yes I miss him.. or the him I thought he was but lately its been more about wondering if I will ever find the “real”one for me.
Court – are you in my head? I am 40 too. Insecure. Afraid that I won’t find anyone to love me, marry me and have a baby before I get too “old”. I hear you. Own your beauty, find your beauty. Find your strength. Guys like strength. Not insecurity. You will find the person you are destined to be with. Even if it takes a long time. I’m with you. I get it. I feel exactly like you do.
Court & Jackie –
I am right there with you. I will be 40 this year, and I feel like my youth (what’s left of it!) is slipping away….
I have 2 children, so my biological clock is not a concern, but then again, I am considered to have “baggage” out there in the dating world!
And the lonliness, and the longing for physical intimacy…
**SIGH**
The only one who says you have baggage is you. My goodness with the baggage thing.
Bonbons you have to work on your cognitive stuff…your self talk is atrocious. You spin everything so negatively. I had baggage when I was 13. I had kids when I was 19. I mean, comon…everyone has baggage.
The other thing is how high on the list “physical intimacy” is…at what price? What about partnership, companionship, friendship, someone who “gets” you?
Susan -
I KNOW I am all f-ed up about intimacy!
I had one practically sexless marriage – seriously like 8-12 months could go by without having sex, followed by a steamy affair & a marriage where hardly a day ever went by without some kind of sexual contact.
I really didn’t mean to sound negative. I might long for a mate, but I am not doing anything about it until I am in a better place.
At least you are willing to learn and are open to comments. Many people are not. If you’re green, you’re still growing! If you’re ripe, you start to rot.
Well, Bonbons, no WONDER you left your first marriage! No physical intimacy for 8 to 12 month at a time? I am all for balance and not giving physical intimacy the absolute deciding vote, but for most healthy relationships, both partners enjoy being physically intimate with each other on a regular basis–though “regular” changes among partners and within the relationship, 8-12 months is just an extreme amount of time to not be intimate. There are, of course, people who just have very low sex drives, but I think in order for them to be happy, they should attempt to partner up with someone with an equally low sex drive.
So, my friend, I think you should stop beating yourself to death that you destroyed something fabulous to chase after the BH. If you did not feel like being intimate with your first husband or he didn’t with you, I don’t think your marriage would have or should have lasted, even if you did not cheat on him and leave him for the BH.
I think eventually, when you get all the emotional and mental stuff together, you’ll realize that a good relationship is a combination of what you had with your first husband (friendship, solidarity, had each other’s backs) and the physical intimacy you had with the narcissistic creep.
In all honesty, like some of the others, my “need of a relationship” stems from fear. My fear comes from my “desperate want to have another child” and the idea that it isn’t going to happen. Family has always been extremely important to me and I’ve always wanted to have at least 2 children, not because 1 isn’t good enough (my son is my world!), but because I feel that’s it’s important for him to have a brother or sister, and well, because I want another one! Now, this is not to say I’m purely looking for a sperm donor; I’m not. I want a family (equipped with a great husband, kiddies, and a home, please). And like some women, I feel that pressure of getting older (I just turned 37) and that all of a sudden before I know it my ovaries are going to be shriveled up and *poof* there goes my chance.
Of course, I don’t want to settle and I know in a way I did settle with my last BH in the sense that we had communication issues (like…him not communicating his feelings with me) and I deserve to be with someone who can express those things even if they’re things that bother him. I guess aside from wanting a family and wanting that companionship, it just also kinda sucks for me that 7 out of 8 of my very close circle of friends are all married, so all our get-togethers (and there are MANY) recently have magnified my “single-hood.” I read this and it sounds slightly pathetic and “oh-woe-is-me”ish, and I try to keep it in check and I try not to match my insides to their outsides, but there are times where it’s not so easy and I wish so very much not for a relationship, but for a great relationship.
I’m not sure I am doing this right but, here it goes. In my case I am the BH. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We divorced 3 years ago, he got remarried within 6 months. That ended and of course I was waiting to take him back. We were together another year and a half and he had an affair. Again I took him back. Now, my BH part. My husband is HYPER CRITICAL, material and has a habit of looking down on other people. I took and took then would end up exploding & we would get into horrible fights that usually ended up with me making him leave. That happened EVERYTIME! Once he was gone I would immediately regret what I had done and bed and plead for him to come home. Well, this time, the fight really wasn’t over anything in particular. He said he wanted out so I printed the papers and told him to knock himself out. Now, he has made his mind up and says we are over and is never coming back. Yet he will still occasionally text me or come by. I feel devastated. I feel like everything is my fault. If I had just shown him the love he needed he wouldn’t have left me. How do I live with the guilt of knowing that I killed our relationship? How will I ever make it without him? I am to the point of just nearly being physically ill. He really is a good guy and just wanted to love me. I don’t know how I will ever recover.
Are you seeing a counselor? I think you need to figure out what you owned in that relationship and what your ex owned. Cheating on you is NOT okay. Being hyper-critical of you is NOT okay. Looking down on you is NOT okay. Just because someone says something was your fault, does not mean they know what they are talking about. If you were getting physical with him or you were screaming and shouting, you could probably do with some anger management and communication courses in the future. However, if he was cheating on you, criticizing you, and looking down on you–and you were reacting to this—then why are you blaming yourself entirely? That does not sound like a good guy who just wants you to love him. That sounds like a guy with a lot of problems he is taking out on you. Or am I misunderstanding your situation?
Oh no… not ever anything physical! This is going to sound even crazier but he would usually get mad if I didn’t respond to his text fast enough, defended someone he has putting down, or heaven forbid wanted to go shopping by myself. He always knew how to make me feel like he was the only one trying.
Unfortunetley he is EXTREAMLY smart and knows exactly how to twist my words so that I sound like a cruel heartless
bitch!He’s not doing this to you. You are allowing this to be done. If you don’t defend and protect your right to not answer a text right away or go shopping by yourself, then you are allowing someone to take away your freedom.
No one can make you feel anything you don’t want to feel. He was a controlling, critical jerk who twisted your head around. And that is not your fault because you didn’t know that you didn’t know. But now you know and you have to start on your own thought process through the affirmations in the book and stopping with the guilt. There’s nothing to be guilty about except putting up with this idiot.
Start today. STOP TALKING TO HIM. STOP ARGUING WITH HIM. If you want to get out of this, you can but you have to put a lot of effort into it.
Samj0047 -
You are not the BH! This guy was a jerk to you – on more than one occasion! You were smart enough to realize you deserve better and walked away. it is not your fault. OK?
samnj, you are NOT the BH here!!! Here is a jerk who runs from one relationship to another, gets you back (didn’t deserve you!) and has a friggin’ affair! You are lucky to be rid of him. No thinking “If I only…” (put up with even MORE crap, was “more loving,” etc. etc.) It is NOT your fault he is a jerk and one who has affairs. He is NOT really a good guy; sorry, but that is true. He does’t treat you like a good guy would. Think about it; if one of your friends’ husbands did that, you’d tell her in a hot new york minute that she was being abused. So treat yourself at least as well as you’d treat a friend in the same situation!
He did NOT deserve your love, and you already loved him more than enough. So stop berating yourself. He does NOT sound llike a nice person. And you do not deserve to feel guilty over his FINALLY getting out. You WILL not only make it without him, but you willl thrive, without the bullshit and confusion and lies and repeated mistreatment. This guy is NOT a good guy.
I actually always thought I was a very caring a kind person, until he convinced me I was a cruel heartless bitch who would end up alone because I was incapable of showing love. Any suggestions on how to get past the guilt I feel? whether its justified or not, I still feel it and it’s stopping me in my tracks from moving forward.
He CONVINCED you that you are a heartless bitch??? He has way too much power over over you, samj, if just saying that (bullshit untrue) can make you actually BELIEVE it. He’s a master at guilt-making. You can be a master of yourself in guilt-stopping.. It’s easy to tell someone they’re a schumtz, even if it’s untrue, even if it leaves them twisting in the wind with guilt because they friggin’ BELIEVE it. You know it’s not true. You know his motives for saying that are just to twist the knife and try to make you suffer with remorse and guilt. Tell yourself “I’m not buying that crap, jerk.”
Stopping in your tracks: I was in start and stop traffic all day yesterday running errands. It suddenly occurred to me I could use the red and green lights in a productive creative way. When it was red, I said to myself “I STOP for a minute to realize how far I have come, and how much I respect and honor myself. ” When the light turned green, or when I drove through an already-green light, I said to myself, “I GO forward in my life, into my future, with self-respect and confidence.” It was fun to use the traffic lights to reinforce my affirmations!
You are NOT the BH in this one, samj, if you finally said ENOUGH with the bullshit. The leaver is not automatically the BH! Leaving in your case was very healthy. When you finally start hearing that self-message, that you did the right and healthy thing, you will start disbelieving all the tons of negative self-talk that you are posting here. Dump the negative self-talk along with dumping him. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Healthy happiness awaits!
You guys are angels in disguise. For the first time in SEVEN years I realize it wasn’t all me….I realize now most of the time I was “re-acting” to his actions. He seems bent now on continuing to make me feel bad. He has been forwarding “one-sided” emails where I pretty much let him have it. I have no idea what started it because he doesn’t send his initial email. He has made it clear “I have made him miserable for 7 years & he deserves better”, but yet why keep on with the emails? I have been NO CONTACT for 5 days now, but he keeps sending things that were all my fault. Then tonight, he decides he needs his wok. Tonight? Really? I am praying to the good lord that I can continue to see him for what he really is and the “wonderful” person my brain thinks he was!
You have to block his emails. Send him the f’ing wok in the mail no note, nothing. Send back everything of his and be done with it. He’s an abusive mf’er.
What a manipulator! But we know you will NOT be manipulated by this jerk. If he deserves better, he can go out and abuse someone else. Not you!
I remember feeling desperate for a relationship at one time. But, I don’t know what it is, I just have zero interest in having one right now. Maybe, last year after I found myself having sex with the BH while he was talking to his new “better except in bed” girlfriend (now his wife) on the phone, I realized that I never wanted to be that desperate for attention again. I’m not going to demean myself for a relationship, or go against my standards, or trip all over myself trying to please the other person, or heck even go much out of my way for a relationship again. It’s going to be on equal ground or not at all and I don’t really care which way I end up. I am out of playing games with Bananaheads.
Loneliness. That’s why I get desperate yearnings for a mate. But thankfully I’m lonely only once in a while and I know way better now than to try to assuage it by having no standards and accepting the company of any ole’ chump (a.k.a. bananahead) who may temporarily distract me but will certainly leave me feeling far, far lonelier in the end! Whenever I’m lonely I find constructive ways to deal with the feeling rather than avoid it or try to “medicate” it away.
I do have a few friends, but I miss the closeness of getting to know someone on a deep level. I do wish I could deepen my existing friend-relationships, and I’m trying to, but they probably won’t reach the closeness that intimate relationships involve just because of their nature (being strictly friendships). I greatly value and appreciate these friendships, and they sustain me, but I do yearn for a “best friend” kind of closeness/bond. Perhaps that (a close friend) is what I’m really yearning for, rather than a mate.
I know one thing for sure: I’d much rather be lonely and coping with that meaningfully, than be in an unhealthy, stress-filled, soul-destroying relationship. Better alone than in bad company! In fact, I recently came to deeply understand that some of my happiest times have been spent in my own company! (I recall a very peaceful short hike on my own in British Columbia – I felt so happy surrounded by the immense beauty of nature.)
I do feel lonely sometimes, too. I’m having a bit of a melancholy evening, tonight, in fact. I agree wholeheartedly that I would rather be feeling melancholy right now than be in a bad relationship again, though. I think I’m missing have a best friend, too. This electronic age it seems so much harder to maintain friendships for single people, for some reason.
Thanks bluskye for your comment. I definitely agree with you that the electronic age is making things much more difficult in terms of maintaining friendships. And I hope your mood lifts soon. Take care!
Needing a mate is a basic human condition – we are not programmed to be alone. Elizabeth Gilbert, in her book, Committed, examines this and it makes interesting reading. She says that we spend our lives looking for the other half that completes us.
This is where her take and my take differ. From all the hurt I have experienced in my life, I have now come to the conclusion that it is only when we are complete, that we choose well. Beware of saying to yourself – this man completes me. That implies that you were half-empty.
I have been spending this time working on myself, and will only get involved again, when I can fully enjoy and experience life completely on my own. I love my own company, I would obviously love to share experiences with someone – it means so much more to share, but I will only be ready to do that, when I can experience things completely for myself. I honestly believe that it makes you chose better. You then find someone who complements you, not completes you.
Susan has often said that water seeks its own level. If we are half-full and lack self-esteem, then we will seek people of the same level. One of the best books that I have read after working through Susan’s grief-work, was Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, by Nathaniel Branden. It has amazing insights on self-esteem and why we make the poor choices that we do.
I spent too much time as a co-dependant, with a narcissist and with someone who was a complete BH that I had to examine why I was doing such a stupid thing to myself. Susan’s post is so relevant.
Wanting a mate may indeed be part of the human condition, but I’m not sure that NEEDING one is. If it is, we’re all in trouble because we would then have few filters to make the right decisions for ourselves.
I agree completely with the idea that we need to be a whole person and happy within ourselves in order to choose healthy relationships (friendships, as well as romantic). A healthy relationship will be made up of 2 whole beings merging into one relationship and not the idea that you are half a person looking for your “other half.”
Also, thank you for mentioning the Nathaniel Branden book; I will be checking that out!
mollyp-
I totally agree with your perspective & today I purchased the book you recommended, as well as Narcissistic Lovers. Although I am over the searing heartbreak of my breakup, I would like to better understand BHs behavior – and more importantly – learn how to avoid BHs in the future! So thanks!
Why do I desperately want a mate?
I want to feel romantic love, and be loved romantically in return.
I want to have a partner in life – for the little things & the big things.
I want committed monogamy.
I want to admire and adore someone and feel admired and adored.
I want someone to care about where I am & what I am doing, and vice versa (besides my mother!)
I want to grow old(er) with somebody.
I want to feel excited about spending time with someone.
I want to feel excited about the future and make plans with someone.
I want to be supported by someone and support them in return.
I know these reasons are not very analytical or philisophical, but they are what I feel!
Well said, Bonbons.
I had all these things with my most recent BH, at least I thought I did. My need for a mate wasn’t nearly as bad before I experienced having one.
Bonbons,
You have stated exactly why I would marry again. My parents have been married for more than 48 years and their relationship is what I strive to have. They are great and have a loving, respectful marriage (not all total bliss….they have issues but resolve them in a HEALTHY way).
I want a relationship because of all the reasons you stated. I’m only 45 (which when BH dumped me I thought was way to old to hope for anything) and have a lot of living to do!
I have been in a pretty loveless marriage for a long time and look forward to the day of finding someone who values the person I am because I know I’m a catch! BUT I have settled for so long that I’d rather be Sister Jenny living alone than settling for another BH! And that’s fine with me!
So now the problem is… where are our Prince Charmings?! LOL!
Bonbons- I completely agree with you on all of those things! Who wouldn’t want those things?
I tried to log in and answer this question yesterday and I drew a blank. I still am drawing a blank, but I think that says something.
I’ve had four significant relationships in my entire life. And aside from the first one, every other I’ve pretty much just “fallen” into. I’m strategic and precise about all areas of my life, my career, my goals, everything. Yet romance has been all impulse.
So why have I gotten into relationships? My pattern has been that I see a man, I’m drawn to him physically, we spend some time together, I realize that he may be wrong for me, but then I get into a relationship with him anyway because…I really don’t know. Righting childhood trauma? Loneliness? Insecurity? Lack of self-worth? This all plays a role. Because most every man I’ve dated is not someone I would ever choose to date, however I realize I did choose them in my non-choosing (I hope this makes sense but I’m figuring it out as I write).
I pride myself on my independence. I go to concerts alone, I box, I am financially secure. And yet I feel terribly alone inside. I have anxiety in social gatherings, I have a difficult time seeing friends. I hide parts of myself to avoid getting hurt.
I was watching a dating matchmaker show and a couple that was getting together commented on why they sought relationships and they said: “being in a relationship brings out the best in me. I thrive in a relationship.” And that concept was entirely foreign to me. I am my worst self in relationships. I’m raw and exposed and vulnerable and needy and clingy and hysterical and anxious. The last two relationships sucked me dry. The badness of them encroached in other areas of my life. I got sick more, I had more issues with my family and friends, I called out of work because I just couldn’t deal. The little girl who was abused and neglected and afraid and weak – that is who I was in these relationships.
This is all I have to say about this. I’m not sure what to make of it. I know that if I get into a relationship again, I don’t want it to be so impulsive/compulsive/erratic/addicting/dysfunctional/codependent. So for now: I’m alone.
Great comments, lovelygirl! But the talk show couple seem to have gotten it backwards. To me, it’s not that “being in a relationship brings out the best in me” … it’s that “I am SEEKING a relationship where being together brings out the best in both of us.”
In other words, it’s not a given, and some relationships will bring out the good — or best — and others just seem to because they’re built on deceit or disingenuousness or just plain good ole “not-a-good-match” dynamics. But just being with “someone” isn’t in itself enough to bring out the best in me. Or him.
Your being alone now sounds like you’re giving yourself space for good healing and healthy boundary setting!
I would really like to here your opinion on my recent break. ’I met my boyfriend my freshman year of college and we’ve been together for practically 4 years. However in that span of time he’s broken up with me two summers in a row, and cheated on me. Every time we broke up I wouldn’t here from him for two weeks and convince myself to move on, but at the end of two weeks he would always come crying back saying he made a huge mistake and that he was happiest with me. The first time he came crying back after I found out he cheated on me I believed him because I loved him, trusted him, and thought he made a mistake. Looking back- I gave in much sooner than I should have. For most things I gave him the benefit of the doubt and overlooked his flaws of staying committed because I thought he only acted immaturely because we met at such a young age. The second summer he broke up with me I tried harder to pull away and never officially got back with him- but gave into him every time he asked to talk gave me a long speech on how we were supposed to be together and get married and that he made the “biggest mistake of his life”. I tried to give him a chance for a while because he was so convincing that he would never do it again but after a few weeks trying my gut told me it wasn’t right so I asked for space and started dating other people (in the back of my mind always thinking we might get back)
While I was dating other people he kept trying to talk to me. I made sure I was always honest with him that I was dating other guys but I knew I didn’t like anyone as much as him. I thought dating other guys might spark him to change. I felt guilty about dating other guys when he kept saying he still wanted to be with me so I still saw him when he wanted to even though I knew I still wasn’t ready to get back with him.
I tried to end it permamnently numerous times and each time he would respond saying we need to “talk in person” where he would cry and convince me that we were supposed to be together, and that he was never going to stop trying because he was in love with me.
Though he didn’t do that much to prove anything beside saying he changed I gave in and went home with him the other night. The next night I got in a fight with him and found out that he took another girl home.
In my only defense- I’ve always been in love with this guy and when we were together he was a good boyfriend and I kept using that as an excuse thinking we might some day get back to how we were. But after I heard that I felt horrrible and knew I had to be done for good. I know it’s my fault for going back to him so many times before but still feel so hurt that he would treat our relationship like it was so insignificant especially since a week before he was asking me to take him back. Why did someone who claimed they wanted to marry me and cared so much about me keep betraying me? Why did he keep trying to convince me out of moving on and that we should be together when he himself couldn’t even stay committed? And more importantly if I was moving on with other guys and knew I could be happy without him, why did I keep going back?
He keep saying his “biggest mistake” was cheating on you. Sounds like he tells you he loves you but will screw other women at the drop of a hat.. Sounds like he keeps making that “big mistake” over and over and over. Kind of a slow learner, doesn’t it sound like? In good faith, you went back because you believed it. And he rewarded you by showing you that your trust in him was unjustified. What a dick head. Trust your instincts. He hasn’t earned your trust or your good faith or giving him one iota of a benefit of the doubt. Hopefullly you know now that he will not change, and hopefully you won’t go back for even more emotional deceit, punishment, disrespect. Let him keep making his “biggest mistake” over and over and over again — but without you on the other end.
HE IS A SEX ADDICT. He doesn’t give a CRAP about your relationship. He only cares about getting laid and feeding his ego by how many women he can bed down and what foolish women will continue to go back to him. Every time he whines and cries it’s about reeling you in to feed his ego. It’s not about you. If it was about you or your relationship, he would change, but he does not.
It’s ABOUT HIM. It’s not about you. Never was. Never will be.
He is not IMMATURE, he is a user and abuser. Kids act like kids but they don’t hurt someone over and over again that they profess to care about.
You are not a victim. You are a volunteer. Move on or you will just be setting yourself for more of the same.
You can do this. You just have to want to.
your advice and honesty has helped me more than you will ever know!
GFM47 – I was in a similar situation. The guy would tell me that he knows I’m good for him. But still he couldn’t commit. In the end, you have to walk away. You have to be strong. You can’t say “I went back for love”. That’s not love the way he’s treating you. Sometimes to be strong, it isn’t about staying to make it work no matter what (that’s what I tried to do), to be strong, you have to give up, walk away and put yourself first.
The words are what we’d like to believe. it’s the actions that demonstrates more. Stop listening to the words and the crying. Look at his actions. My BH was the same way – professing his love for me, but then his actions demonstrated that I really wasn’t that important to him. It hurt. I wanted to believe the words. Words are easy. Anyone can say anything. Actions are the tough part – the meat of the situation. What’s real.
You have to realize your worth and never take him back again.
I have been thinking of this very subject myself lately so the timing of this post is amazing. I’m not sure I am “desperate for a mate” but I have been undergoing a surprising bout of intense loneliness, which I suppose I could describe as desperate. The LAST thing in this world I need to feel right now is desperate, but I’m lonelier now than I was right after the breakup, 5 months ago, and even lonelier than I was after my divorce 6 years ago. I don’t know what’s going on!
I am a firm believer that happiness is an inside job, that happiness is “uncaused,” that it comes from a deep internal source, that it is our natural state and that you don’t have to “do” anything to be happy. Many wise teachers say that being in a romantic relationship can be a great joy, a great gift, but is not essential to one’s primary happiness. Icing on the cake, as Susan put it. One of my favorite sayings is: If you ask a healthy person “why are you happy?” they will answer “why not!”
But even so, these thoughts have crumbled like a house of sand lately as I am having a very difficult time enjoying doing anything alone. Perhaps this is because I have been alone a LONG time, more than 6 years, with no partner, no dates, no sex, no intimate companionship (which was ok with me – my marriage wore me out and I was happy to be free of all that misery) until my brief relationship with the BH this summer – which made me realize how ready I am for a relationship and HOW MUCH I WANT ONE. I have done everything by myself for years and suddenly I can no longer stand it. It’s not really him that I can’t get over – it’s the astonishing and unexpected happiness of the situation that I can’t quite let go of. When you’ve been alone as long as I have and suddenly the door opens to a world of affection and laughter… well, it’s like coming into a brilliant world of light and color and feeling alive again.
My happiest memory is not the sex but the afternoon we sat on his sofa and looked at art books together, talked, laughed and shared. I had a feeling of well-being then that I hadn’t had in years. Then suddenly he chooses somebody else, the door is slammed shut and I’ve returned to my flat, colorless alone world – but now lonelier than before I met him. And kicking myself, because I was in a very happy place right before we met, and so when he dumped me I thought, “well I was happy before him, so there’s no reason I can’t be happy after him.” But I’m ashamed to admit that I really haven’t had a good day since it happened. Something has been awakened in me, a deep visceral need that I didn’t have before – and it makes me wonder if it’s true that we ARE created to be in relationships, that we are hard-wired for it in our very Being. Right after the breakup I thought “ok, this shows that I am ready now for a relationship, the door has been opened and any minute now the right guy will come along.” But here it is 5 months later and absolutely nothing has happened except that loneliness is setting in like hardening cement.
Of course being alone is far, far better than being in a miserable relationship, and I know first hand that few things are more depressing than being lonely inside your marriage, as I was. I would not take the BH back now even if he showed up on the door deeply repentant because I know him now, and I know that a miserable relationship is all he would have to offer. And some of the things I’ve read on this post have been truly heart-breaking and unbelievably cruel, what many of you have suffered at the hands of some horrible creep when all you wanted to do was love and be loved. Despite the loneliness, I have to urge you DON’T GO BACK TO THEM! No matter how awful and desolate it feels. We have to learn to accept the loneliness, not fight it or hate it; but sit with it, hold it, learn from it as best we can. Not see it as the enemy. I’m learning, one day at a time. Just being part of this community helps so much. It sure is helping me… Thanks for listening, everybody!
medda –
like you, the last guy I dated was 6 years ago. And that didn’t last yet bec I realized he was a loser quickly (6 weeks in) and didn’t put up with his BS. I was fine and accepted where I was in life. I was confident, busy, happy, social and enjoying myself. I met this guy in March and it was immediate romance. Flowers, Poems. So many words. And then when everything came to an end – poof. Why am I such a mess? A friend asked me where I went…the strong version of me and I cried on his shoulder and said “I don’t know where she is anymore”. They can easily tear you down, so quickly and it takes so long to recover and build yourself back up. But I do know that I am stronger today than I was 2 months ago. I am crying less. Albeit, still crying. But that is part of the process. And in the end, it’s better to be alone for the right reasons than to be with the wrong person just out of fear of being alone. I want to get back to that happy place. i am determined to be strong again. For my own sanity. My own happiness. I am doing the work. I am doing the exercises. I am going to a therapist. All of the things I know he would never do. Because it’s too much work. But I want to be a healthy person. My relationship was not healthy. That was a huge revelation. Admitting it – I felt ashamed. I was not proud that I put up with his BS for 8 months. People would tell me, be thankful no children were involved. I have bad days and I have worse days. But I know that one day, I’m going to say, I had a great day! And hopefully the next day, I’ll say the same thing. And the next day, and the next day….
medda. We can all probally say we have been in your shoes at one time or another . My break-up was 5 mths ago after 9 yrs together. At first was the devastation of the cheating and then him telling me that there is just something about her. That there chemistry is off the charts. Ok, so put a sword thru my heart why dont ya !!! But I have gotten past the grieving , I have been sad, mad and finally just dont care anymore about what he does or who he does it with. That came in a big part because of NC and me reading every break up book I found. It has been hell to let go of someone I loved & my best friend . He did something I never ever imagined was possible and hurt me in more ways then I thought he was capable of. But from everything I have read on here from others it appears he may have naccasistic ways. IT DOESNT REALLY MATTER to me anymore..
I dont know why but I have felt this sense of hope lately. I believe part of it is that I have had to try and build a life for myself outside of my immediate family. I was lost when it ended. I mean totally lost…. My social life revolved around him for so long . I never want to go to the places we went as a couple. They are all his friends / His world. So slowly I have been trying to spread my wings. I got on MEET UP .com and found a single womens group, I started going to a womans support group at a church, I sent X-mas cards to some old girlfriends I havent seen in years and I am slowly building a life again. I finally see some glimmer of light at the end of that VERY long lonely tunnel I have been traveling in. U cant find hapiness in someone else if your not happy in your own skin…. I have a very long way to go but I feel I am making progress however slow it is… But I know I have to make it happan. No one is going to come knocking on my door to be my friend and take away my lonliness….I hope this makes sense and lets u know your not alone but u have to take the driver seat to find a way to be happy again …..Whether its alone or in a relationship
This post reminded me of a very true statement from a professor: You will only have two types of relationships in your life, those that will make your life easier and those that will make it harder. There is nothing in between.
I always choose people in my life that make it easier. I have zero tolerance for BH’s and drama.
So true! And even those you love dearly can make it harder sometimes (kids!) so you want it to be as easy as possible with everyone. That is how I feel, if you’re too much work—buh freaking bye.
TWP67–
Love, love, love that you have some friends that are so supportive they raced to get the bedroom set whisked into the garage for you on the same day you decided you could tell her to get her damn bedroom set! You may have some recycling and go through some sadness over this, but in the long run, I really think getting everything out of your house, on YOUR terms, is going to set the tone for you for the rest of the time you’re healing over this breakup.
Your friends sound awesome!!! And glad you are here!
I have one more thing I wanted to add here:
Today I had a bout of recycling. I miss having a partner to share my life with, not just for support through the bad times, but also to share all the good times too. I’ve been addressing improving myself and I found myself wishing so badly that I could share my achievements with the BH. I have committed to a 60 day workout program and I am doing well so far. I have a consultation appointment next tuesday with a tattoo artist, finally overcoming my fear of needles and pain. I do share these exciting new developments with friends, but I miss having him congratulate me, encourage me, physically hug me.
I know that this is just pathetic since I still feel I need validation from him. I miss having a partner to share these aspects of my life and this hollow feeling inside me today is causing me to cry. Although I am doing all these things for myself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, I feel compulsions to share these with the BH. I know I must remain NC and not keep going to that well for water — the well that ran dry long ago. But the longing and desire for someone to love me and tell me I’m doing great feels so strong. It makes me sad that I am still compulsively desiring to receive a pat on the back and trying to get validation from someone who couldn’t care less. My point is that I crave sharing my life with someone and yes, desperate to either hold onto past partners or desperate to find a new one. I feel pathetic.
It’s okay to want it but you need to know that you have to be more healed to attract a healthier partner.
You also need to congratulate yourself and be your own cheerleader and then you will find a loving partner who thinks you’re terrific. It’s so ironic but that is how it happens…the more you love yourself, the more lovable you are to QUALITY others.
And you’re not going to get there by calling yourself pathetic. It’s okay to want anything and everything, but it’s important to know that right now you just need to get centered and strong.
you can do this.
Thanks, Susan. It helps to recognize that I need to get centered and strong and that I am not healed yet. I don’t know how to get out of the loneliness funk that I am feeling right now, but I hope it will pass.
Just accept it for what it is: part of the process. It’s okay and it will help you in the long-run. If you get into a bad situation you can say “Hey, I know how to be alone and okay with it.” and that little nugget will help so much in the future.
Court,
I understand your post so well, I too am a high-validation-need person, and I loved sharing everything with him. The idea of being my own cheerleader is foreign to me, and I am trying to cultivate it. I also will miss the identity of being a couple….it was MY identity, and MY validation that “someone” wanted me.
Like Susan says, these feelings are indicative of our not yet being ready to give ourselves to someone, we have healing to do.
Hang in there, your posts are inspiring and thoughtful.
Yes, “high validation need person” equals dysfunctional. And you can get validation from your friends.
You have to be okay with being alone because, if not, you do become enmeshed in the identity of the couple and then when the couple is no longer, you have a big struggle.
And when I tell people that you MUST KEEP your identity separate even when you get into a couple (you have a certain amount of couple identity but it shouldn’t be the whole thing), otherwise you have trouble letting go of a bad situation when you need to OR you start to suffocate a person who doesn’t want to be suffocated.
It’s why you MUST establish your identity when you are not in a relationship.
Court, you are not pathetic, even though you feel that way. Your desire for sharing and companionship is so genuine. At the same time you know the ex-BH is not the one to give that to you, and you don’t have another guy in your life right now to share with. Still, you are realizing that if you go back to that well for water, it’s like the cowboy movie, where the guy is dying of thirst in the desert, and spots a little water hole. He gets off his horse and falls on his knees to drink, and sees some cattle bones and skulls around the water hole indicating that the water is toxic. Heck, even his horse won’t drink it. But he ignores the signs and drinks … you aren’t doing that! Hooray!
Share your achievements here, and with your friends and family, even tho I know it’s not the same.
Hey, what is the tattoo gonna be?
Thanks, Tara. I wish that knowing that I am doing the right thing made me feel better emotionally.
I am planning on getting a scattering of cherry blossoms on my back behind my left shoulder. I am half japanese and cherry blossoms have always been important and beautiful to me personally as well as a symbolic connection to my ancestry. I am scared to death of needles and don’t handle physical pain well at all so although I’ve wanted to do this for 20 years, I’ve never had the guts to go through with it. After this last breakup, I went through so much excruciating emotional pain that I realized it was worse than any physical pain I’ve ever felt. And once I got through the worst days immediately following the breakup and survived, I realized I was strong enough to handle anything. Especially pain from a tattoo which will no doubt be excruciating, but it will also be temporary.
Hey Court… I got a tatoo at the beginning of the month. Its on my wrist … It say ” LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE “… When I look down at it it reminds me to do those 3 things. It was kind of my way to remind myself after all I have been thru the past 8 mths with losing my mother then BH that in the end I need to do those 3 things for ME……
YES, THE TATOO HURT like he**. I had black & blue marks on my inner thigh from sqeezing it so hard with my other hand…. I just kept telling myself it would be over soon and I could do this….
Good Luck & let us all know how it goes…
I love your tattoo, what a wonderful message to see as a reminder. How long did it take to ink? I’m glad I am getting it on my back so I can use both hands to grip onto something. I’m so pleased to hear you also got a tattoo at this time. Like you, I’m doing this for me. It is important to me that I am doing this on my own, single, where the only person who is going to enjoy it (for now) is me. I am even more determined to go through with it now. Thanks!
Court. It was done in a little less than an hour but it was only because I just had those 3 words. The way they did the lettering is really neat & I love the way it looks.. ALso, its just black ink . Its not really big … Kinda simple but it means so much to me when I look at it….
Court, that sounds gorgeous! Now, knowing you’re half-Japanese, I want to share with you something so horribly racist and sexist that my BH ex said …. he would laugh about his buddy finding “LBFM’s”. I asked, “what does that mean?” and he laughed and said “Little Brown f**ing Machines,” referring to Asian women.
What a totally offensive, racist, sexist, objectifying, immature, insulting thing to say about women! On your behalf, I would like all of us on this list to line up and dope-slap the shit out of him.
Okay, now I feel better.
Holy crap!!!! Your ex sounds like an even bigger douchebag than we already knew he was! UGH! Disgusting! Thanks for reminding me it’s better to be alone than to be anywhere near a man with that kind of attitude.
Its neat….I am planning a tattoo, too.
One of those Indian wedding henna patterns on my right thigh and up my right waist, in black ink. Maybe swirl a little into my back.
REALLY glad that you think he’s a dipshit too! UGH! When he made that ugly comment numerous times), I looked at him in puzzlement and said, “That’s a terrible thing to say about any woman, and so falsly stereotyping of Asian women!” and he laughed and said he was just saying what his buddy said, but he obviously got pleasure out of saying it ‘cuz he said it several times, without sharing or even understanding my ICK response.
I should have just said “That’s an offensive racist and sexist comment, and it makes me VERY uncomfortable. I don’t care if your buddy says that. But I WOULD like to know if you share that attitude, or what you think of your buddy saying something that vulgar and offensive.”
But did I??? nooooo, too afraid to rock the boat, to make waves.
Well, now I’m in the mindframe of not only “rocking the boat” (which my mother told me repeatedly not to do, while I was growing up), but dumping the damn boat over, and swimming to shore. To hell with the damn boat.
Tara your posts crack me up. You could totally run an advice column……!
Vision, if I could run an advice column I wouldn’t be on this blog with you guys! You’re the best! And what I say doesn’t always reflect the turmoil I may be feeling inside … sort of like a washing machine spinning around, but some of the clothes don’t get clean and come out still with that ugly BH grease stain on them, but thanx for the happy reply – you made my snowy day!!
Let us know when you get the tattoo Court – I have also been thinking about getting one on my left shoulder, but don’t know if I’ve got the courage, let us know how it felt! I’ve thought about it for a couple of years but put it on the backburner as BH didn’t approve, he was quite opinionated on what his “woman” should look like.
Tara, your story reminds me of something funny a friend said to me right after my breakup – that I was like a woman dying of thirst in the desert who comes upon a sparkling oasis where the BH is showering me with refreshing, life-giving water… or so I think BUT in reality it’s only scummy greywater that he’s dumping all over me. So now when I talk to her, she always refers to the BH as “Mr. Greywater.”
Ha! Ha! I love that image – Greywater! don’t drink it! don’t drink it!
I’m writing today with realization of one big piece of remorse. And no, it’s not that I’m not with the a-hole I was with, but remorse (and self-flagellation, to be honest!) about not standing up for myself – and for other women (and men, where applicable!) – and saying what needed to be said.
I’m thinking of what this douchebag (Thanks, Court, for that apt description!!!) said about Asian women, which I’ve shared with Court, and wondering now, WTF could I have been thinking to NOT tell him how disgusting, crude, sexist, degrading, etc. etc. all of his “ha-ha oh, it’s funny” racial and sexist comments were. Noooo; I just sat there in confusion, trying to give him some kind of the benefit of the doubt (“well, he’s just repeating what his buddy says,”) without acknowledging that the BH said this crap over and over, always laughing, as if his sexist / racist comments were funny. I am remorseful today that I didn’t have the eggs (female version of “balls”) to tell him how disgusting those comments were, and to question him sharply about his own values. Rather than being too afraid of having any comments from me resulting in blowing up the relationship.
Woulda, shoulda, coulda. I shoulda told him what I thought of his “ha-ha” comments, and lit the fuse to blow up the damn relationship. Out of respect for Court, for all of my Asian friends, for ALL women anywhere who have been degraded, disrespected, humiliated, put-down. I didn’t say anything. Dammit.
I’ll get over my immense regret and remorse for that enabling silence, with my pledge that blowing up a relationship with those crude dynamics is MUCH better than keeping it (just to “have” a relationship) and letting that appalling disrespect continue. With each comment that is not challenged by a strong woman with eggs, we all sit there encouraging, reinforcing, rewarding, and spreading the toxic poison of these douchebags who are thus enabled to keep going out and doing it again and again and again.
Just plain mean.
I’m saying “women” here, for all the women who have been verbally disrespected by men, but I do want to include men here too, who have endured the same shit from heartless jackass women.
C’mon, friends … male AND female … let’s not let these assholes get away time and time again with degrading, devaluing, hostile passive-aggressive (“Oh, it’s just funny!”), crude, vulgar, demeaning comments! Either made to ourselves or about anyone else. We have to put a STOP to it right now. I’m starting now. Even if it means I never have another relationship, I won’t tolerate that kind of crap. That’s my pledge on this snowy day.
Checking in from the male side…..my ex was alot of things. most of them, as i found out over 6 years, were horrible.
I too was constantly being accused of starting drama, having “issues”
The “you have some serious issues, really..i mean come on..this is bullsh*t !”
That line was used on me so many times that i retreated in silence, not to avoid the confrontation, but to preserve my sanity.
She cheated, had no remorse, and did little but get frustrated with me as i tried to deal with it and find a way to forgive her…….I can remember vivdly getting screamed at, veins buldging in her neck, face red due to the fact that i was asking more questions about her cheating approx 1 month after i caught her……she said: ” when the f**k are you going to get over this?….I am not going to live this way…accept it or i am going to have to leave you”
She second guessed everything i did, to the point at the end that i actually ran things by her first, to guage her reaction and hopefully save myself the scathing repsonse to a decision i might have made without her 2 cents.
As a man, its hard to admit this, but i am an open book, so here goes:
I was afraid of her…it happened gradually, but i was.
Afraid of her temper
Afraid of her over-the-top reactions…she never “discussed” things….she “yelled her responses” at me in stead.
I still feel shellshocked….the cheating, the lack of remorse, the indifference…..it has made me feel like i am the source of her anger, frustration and sadness….and as i indicated by her facebook post some 24 days after leaving me: ” finally happy”……it makes me re-think whether or not i ruined a good person somehow, without knowing it, over 6 years.
I have accepted that this is over.
I have accpted that i have co-dependancy issues and some abandonment issues as well.
I cannot accept how she treated me – i did not ask for the cheating, the emotional immaturity , the way she just flipped the switch on her feelings and ripped out my heart….
I need to be here….and tell my story – from the man’s side of the situation……this type of “abuse” is not gender specific……it is an equal opportunity demoralizer.
And after all my posts….I still think I am the one who lost here….and she is out there happy to repeat the same patterns with the next guy………….
She sounds lovely.
What. a. princess.
There are definitely women who act like this though I think it’s more a male issue, but — for some reason — I find that women who do act like this sound like completely brutal sociopaths. They also seem to enjoy stomping on a man’s masculinity. She sounds very abusive.
The next guy is a victim, just like you. You are NOT the one who lost. She is a sociopathic, cheating, unemotional bananahead. You dodged a bullet.
Please get help for your codependency and abandonment. Those two things lead all of us into this horrific relationships with these terrible people.
You deserve better. Thanks for sharing and thanks for being here.
thanks Susan….She beat me up and wrecked my ability to see the good in me….the me that i was before this 6 year nightmare.
I agree with you that men behave this way more than woman do….which makes it all the more unfortunate that i was the one who fell into her twisted world, she is beautiful, charming, sexy and sassy…and a black widow spider is hiding under that facade…that mask she wears to cover the real her.
Doging a bullet is an understatement!
Thank you for wondeful palce to come and vent….and HEAL.
Your post is so well timed!!
I am having a bluesy day, feeling really low and angry with myself for falling for it, putting up with it too. I can recall so many times, my stunned silence, my loss for words, my knowlege that what was just said to me was so inappropriate, so hurtful, so twisted……and not saying anything out of fear of a fight, of being called hypersensitive, being told that I create drama.
So I bottle it up inside, and now it is coming out in the form of self loathing and mental exhaustion. And self anger.
It was 15 months ago that he first referred to my kids as a liability if we got married. How could I have not walked away that very day? What kind of mother am I that I would think I could “work with” a man who said that about my own kids? I feel so much shame for that. I don’t protect myself, or my children.
I want to pledge the same thing. Right now I feel so exhausted all I want to do is sleep, and get thru this last workday, praying I don’t run into him.
I know, Vision, that feeling of self-shame. Gads. But you used the words “stunned silence,” and I do think that’s part of it. It’s reacting to trauma, in a way; we can’t believe he said that, so we are stunned. Like a deer in the headlights. Like a fly in a spider web. Maybe that’s why we don’t react right away.
Of course, saying twisted things like you’re hypersensitive, that you create drama, are all ways of deflecting things that he KNOWS are inappropriate and over-the-top, like saying your kids are a liability.
You are protecting your kids now, and not with this guy who disrespects both you AND your kids. That is hugely good.
Glad you’re taking the “I-won’t-take-your-crap-anymore” pledge with me! Let’s rock the damn boat. Let’s dismiss all of the “just suck it up” messages our parents gave us, and take back our eggs.
Yes!
The funny thing is, the message I got from my mom was the opposite, and I have been reacting against it in the opposite…..she says we can’t trust men, they are all swine, we have to show them, just walk away, I showed him, I showed him, I showed him……
I wanted to be different, so instead I am overloving, overtolerant, overforigiving because I didn’t like her cold hard self serving ways.
Wow, Vision. I can see how you’d want to react (the opposite way) from what your mom told you about all men being swine, in a cold way. Not true … we know that … there are good guys (and women) out there. But it appears that neither your mom, nor my mother, told us HEALTHY ways to establish boundaries and stand up for ourselves, and still be able to have relationships. My mother essentially told me to not make waves; your mom told you to avoid men altogether, filthy swine that they all are. Neither message is accurate or helpful or on-point.
We still didn’t learn healthy boundaries from them, and now we have to teach ourselves. Sucks, but there you have it. The good news: We can do it!
Since I read this post I have not been able to get it out of my head…sorta like the BH.
And this is what I came up with- I don’t desperately want a mate. I want a partner. Someone I can talk to about anything being politics, art, music, life, my daughter, pop-culture, religion, work, friends, my family…just someone I can communicate with and vice versa. I don’t expect this person to share my view points but someone who has his own thoughts about things. I know that finding someone that I can argue with respectfully might be difficult to find but they’re out there. I want my partner and I to be able to pick and choose our battles. I want someone that wants to embark on a life journey with me. Someone who will love me for being silly, sexy, smart, goal-driven, sexual, loveable, a good friend, good sister, good mother, good daughter and a good person. Most importantly, I want my partner to respect me and my daughter. I know that I can go out tonight and meet anyone that I want and take him back to my place, but that isn’t what I am looking for. I am looking for someone that wants to put a smile on my face everyday of my life the same way that I want to make him smile for the rest of his life.
Perhaps what I am looking for isn’t out there, but I am not going to give up. Because if there is someone in the world like me then there must be someone out there looking for someone just like me.
Milisal, that is awesome !!! Love your post!
milisal as Susan would say : Dont give up the day before the miracle happans
I have learned so much since this break-up. Reading everyones post on here, reading Susans remarks, and going over the classic post , reading Susans book , has educated me on basic relationship issues that would seem common sense to some . I think back on things and see HUGE red flags and wonder why they didnt stand out . I remember things that happaned and find it hard to believe I put up with stuff… I truly believe when I am ready, not close, to date again I will take this knowledge with me . So in that respect this break-up has been a blessing … DID I JUST SAY THAT
Thank you, klandsb.
Having a broken heart is never an easy thing, but accepting it and making peace with it is always a blessing. I am desperately trying to make peace with what once was but at times, like this past weekend, it can be very difficult.
Wow, I can’t believe these posts. I feel like I want to comment but I am not sure what to say…..
My ex and I met on line. In hindsight (which is always 20-20), he was not ready for a relationship. More importantly, I wasn’t. If I was I never would have chosen him. In the first six months, I was told:
My “look” is too “Italian”, I am African-Canadian.
I was too sexy
I listened to garbage music
I had fake friends
I lived a fake life in my twenties (before I even met him, so how did he know?)
I wasn’t witty enough
I didn’t have enough friends
I didn’t have enough hobbies/outside interests
I was too strong and independent-It emasculated him-that’s why sex was so awkward
-I was too athletic looking, I didn’t have enough womanly fat on me.
-I wasn’t trying to be his friend enough
After 6 months and constant fighting-he used some drugs (coke I believe), cheated on me, lied to me and then blamed me-said all my fighting with him caused him to become distant and cheat.
Then we broke up…..three months later, I called him and we started up again….though the onus was placed on me to be a “good girlfriend” – i.e, not to always get upset with him, but to be myself.
See when I had met him I was coming off a three year off and on again relationship with what I can onl describe as an “emotional schizophrenic” individual. I SHOULD HAVE taken time off. But I didn’t. As a result I went through an identity crisis. I wasn’t sure who I was….I brought that into the relationship. I wasn’t being the woman I really was…..but I couldn’t. I was hurting from a long time of emotional deprivation…..I didn’t know yet who I was.
We tried for a year to make it work, the person he cheated on me with was in his circle of friends, which meant I was subjected to seeing her more than once. When I asked him to reconfigure his friends, I became the unreasonable and insecure one. He wanted me to be mature but would emotionally shut down after a fight. He wanted me to again “change” my ways:
-Don’t swear so much
-Listen to CBC more, I’ll be more “well rounded” and not just “book smart”
-Wear these shoes instead of my “Italian Gina” shoes
-Stop speaking with an Italian accent—–I went to school and studied Italian. I even lived in Italy for a while. It was a part of me he didn’t like.(He is White-Canadian) I speak Italian, French and a bit of Spanish
-wear sexy clothes again (remember I was Too sexy before), but not too sexy. I was an educated woman–”why would you wear slutty clothes for Halloween?, wear a clever costume”
-Be more lively when we go out.
-Take up singing again
-take up acting again
-go out with you friends more
-go to the gym more-I’m getting too skinny
-Don’t wear Track Pants, only “dirtbags” wear track pants, not successful people—No joke, he says people who wear track pants out of their house look like “dirtbags”.
-Don’t do your PhD – go and work and have a real job
I wasn’t okay as I was. I am doing a Masters Degree in Political Science. I work two jobs, own two homes, and I have an pretty active social life, when time permits it.
My ex:
-lives above a store
-can’t afford a car
-owes the government more than I owe in Student loans
-IS NOT SUCCESSFUL AT ALL IN HIS CAREER
his list does go on.
He told me I don’t make him feel “safe”, He was always walking on egg shells. He said I was always angry, he never knew what mood I was in…..after a year and a half of having my SELF degraded he couldn’t understand why I always felt insecure, awkward and resentful. Why I was angry with him and always took what he said as a criticism-resulting in fights. He wasn’t “always” criticizing me he said. I was just “too sensitive”
Sounds like a peach eh?
Why did I stay? …..for anyone who may read this and feel like it could be you, this site has empowered me to know that I am not alone.
1. My mother and father fought all the time as when I was a kid. She had her own self-esteem issues (she should have divorced my dad) and took them out on me. I had a very troubled relationship with her.
She died 11 years ago right as we were beginning to heal our relationship and see each other as women. I am now really starting to feel her absence. I didn’t get to have a self-affirming relationship with her before she died. I am still looking for her approval in the men I date.
2) My father has dementia, so I am losing another parent, another source of identity and love…….
3) After my mother died, I was in a co-dependant relationship with my family. Completely losing myself to the role of a mother from age 22 to age 31.
4) I feel ashamed for not having a mom and having a dad who is suffering from dementia, like I am damaged goods. All my ex’s were “momma’s boys” who never had to deal with hardship. I always had a very “dramatic life for them”–you know the “drama” of taking care of myself and a family, securing my future and taking care of an ailing parent. I wasn’t “drama-free” to go out to the bars and have fun every weekend. I was working.
5) I am 33 and feel like I have/am missing the boat on love and children.
6) After my previous relationship (with emotional void person) I felt empty and out of touch with myself, I just wanted someone to fill the gapping holes that were growing after each unsuccessful relationship.
7) Lack of connection with myself….couldn’t see the forest through the trees.
Whew!!!–I apologize for this length of post. Though Seeing it in black and white really hits home….it makes this process easier. It makes me understand myself so much more and his role in my life, and it makes me FORIVE MYSELF AND APPRECIATE MYSELF SO MUCH MORE……. I want to give up on this whole “being better for yourself thing”and go back to my old ways. This is so much work and so hard.
But Susan’s right—”Don’t give up the day before the miracle happens”, Wait until tomorrow
My summation of this post is this: he’s a control freak bananahead asshole, you deserve better, and you are learning to love yourself which is UNBELIEVABLE!!! Good for you and thank you for posting.
Again, sorry for the size of that last post. When I started writing it all just came out…..Healing comes in many lengths. I guess that means there’s progress…..yes there is growth:)
Last post I swear!. I want to make an amendment here. I don’t only want to trash my ex. The truth is we did have some amazing, awesome moments together. We did share some great times. He supported me, loved me and encouraged me as much as he could. He was there for me throughout my medical procedures and held me when I would break down and cry about my mother and father. He opened up to me as much as he could. I don’t want to say it was all his fault. That is being trapped in my anger and playing the victim-a role I no longer wish to have . He taught me many things about life, love and myself. That I was not perfect. I did not go into this relationship perfect. I was angry and distrusting of men from previous uncompleted relationships. In order for me to move on, I must face the reality of my contributions to my undoings and OWN THEM as much as I am learning to OWN my new sense of empowerment. My insecurities about myself before I met him. My lack of love and self-worth before I met him. My co-dependant tendencies. My lack of boundaries that led me to carry his emotional bags whilst neglecting my own. My “I can save him” mentality that gave him more chances then he deserved. My descent in to a more critical, angry, spiteful and hurtful person-someone I didn’t like or respect. My own lack of respect – that I didn’t know I didn’t have before I met him. My neglect of my intuition. My putting him and the relationship before ME. My allowance of his friends to disrespect our union. My staying when I should have left……when I should have never entered into the relationship to begin with. All these things (and more) are unfortunate truths. Truths that I must acknowledge so I can be rid of them forever. Truths that I did not contribute to the fostering of a healthy, strong partnership. I was not healthy or strong when I started this partnership. I need to remember and pay homage to the person I was so I may never be her again but a better, stronger and more loving (of myself) version of her. I will take time alone to get to know this person and love her with gentleness and truth into reality.
Although I have experienced some of life’s most trying moments, from Susan’s book, this blog and much needed support from loved ones and counsellors I feel like I am learning more about myself and grief for the first time.
This is tough….man is it ever tough, but instead of hoping one day He’ll see the light, I now say, One day I will become my own light.
NuMe-
I understand completely where you’re coming from. In order to make peace with things one has to accept responsibility, however, don’t beat yourself over it. Yes you could have gone about things completelt diffently, but you didn’t. Now is your opportunity, and mine, and everyone else on this site to really focus on ourselves. And as you mention above to One day come into our own light.
Thank you millsal78. This has been quite an incredible journey. I am feeling and realizing things I didn’t think I was capable of. The main one is like you said, to focus on myself….a tall feat but day by day and step by step.
Thank you for the kind words.