4/9 Check in thread

Green Check MarkThe last one appears to be lost in the shuffle. HOW IS EVERYONE DOING???

Check in here!

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84 Responses to 4/9 Check in thread

  1. mikedobyns says:

    I just got started up yesterday with your blog and I’m doing my best. My fiance pretty much picked up and left me about a month ago out of the blue. Said that she needed to find happiness alone and needed space and time, said we were stuck, said she didn’t love me anymore. We weren’t fighting or anything of the sort. We had been through a lot the past 2 years with moving states, moving back, her dad dying, financial problems, and being miserable at our jobs but we were almost through most of it and she just gave up pretty much. That is the cliff notes version but I was completely devastated. Nobody knows what is going on with her, her family couldn’t believe it. I pretty much lost everything and I’m trying to put the pieces back together now. Your site is really helping. I’m going to continue to do things that make me happy and continue on with my life and I just hope it gets easier. I would have never broken up with her in a million years.

    • Loveisallthereis says:

      Hello there. I am sorry to read about your devastation. I am only a week out of a break up that happened because I finally got the courage to ask for what I wanted, which was a commitment after dating what I thought was a pretty solid man for several months. He told me that he was not “ready” for something serious and said we should “just be friends” before someone got really hurt. I was floored. More so because I had already started to envision myself spending days on the beach in the Summer with him and I got attached to his family and the idea of a future. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling… that was your fiance. How it hurts… what sort of advice do you have for someone in this position I am in.. i just keep asking “why’? Did I miss the warning signs ? Am I not worthy etc???

      • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

        DON’T let someone else’s inability to decide be a reflection of your worth. IT IS NOT. Don’t keep asking why. There is no good reason for it and you need to believe in yourself and know that you are a special person and that your ex couldn’t see that and appreciate it and that is not your issue, it is your ex’s issue. The thing is that he couldn’t commit. Not that there is anything wrong with you.

        I usually suggest that people ask within the first 5 dates what the other is looking for. It’s important to know that you’re on the same page when moving forward. He obviously wasn’t, but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Be good to you and invest in your future.

        It’s hard and it hurts, but you can do it and you can find peace within yourself. Treat yourself well and go for the gusto. Trust the process and learn what you need to learn. You can do this!!!

        • Loveisallthereis says:

          Thank you Susan for writing back to me… I will TOTALLY take in your suggestion about the 5 date intention setting. Actually, upon reflection I DID ask if he was available for something and he said that he was taking things “a day at a time” and that while being only a year divorced he did not see himself getting married again “any time soon” he did say that he wanted to be married again and have a family “eventually” …. I HELD ON TO THOSE WORDS… and I figured that if things progressed that time would heal and his feelings for me would deepen. I took his “live a day at a time” to mean, “i choose you for now” but I always felt like it could be any moment that he would decide do bail, and in the end … he did.

  2. IchooseME says:

    Reposting from old thread because today is hard.

    would have been our 10th anniversary, the date I told him that I wanted to get engaged. I am feeling absolutely terrible. Complete “redunking” that and has gotten worse with each day .

    I thought I’d be okay. Valentine’s Day didn’t hurt, I was committed to finding a way to be happy alone, I was going out with friends and not feeling trapped or anxious, I found support, and I was starting to do well at my new job.

    But it feels like the past year of work and 6 months of disciplined NC never happened. I’m back at square one, having grief spasms, and uncontrollably sobbing to my mother and sister. My sister told me to take control and decide that I’m not going to be sad anymore. I tried to explain that this is normal but she doesn’t understand. She’s never been through something like that this.

    I feel so alone and awful and ill. I am heartsick. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to care anymore. This has to be bottom. When will I feel okay again?

  3. callie35 says:

    IchooseMe….it takes time. Are you seeing a counselor? Working through a loss of 10 years with someone will take time…probably longer then you want it to take. I have a friend who was with someone for 7 years and it took her 2 years to get where she is now. It sounds like you are recycling which is normal….it may feel terrible while your feeling it but each recycle is a little bit shorter and you come out stronger. If you are not talking with someone professionally I highly recommend it.

    It does get better….I am 6 months NC….dealing with letting go of a 2.5 year friendship then relationship. I feel a lot better then I did even 2 months ago….you need to start focusing on yourself. If you don’t exercise I highly recommend starting. This has helped me alot and I’ve lost weight too so that makes me feel better!

  4. scubasteve says:

    ICM…. oh.. I feel so much for you… so much… stay strong… don’t let this person beat your life!

    One of my friends is taking me to a yankee game tonight. I never had had a girl take to a Yankee game. This is the first time her and I are going somewhere alone.. Usually it is with my triathlon team in a group setting. She knows my ex and knows I was always very faithful. I feel guilty like I am cheating on the person I still love and crave for so much…

    But there is no expectations tonight other than two friends going to have fun at a baseball game.

  5. 1dogshy says:

    Hello..I am new to this .
    It’s been 3 weeks of pain in throws of a break up.
    He’s been more and more miserable and mean and I can’t stand it anymore.
    It’s been bad for a year but sunk to new lows ….again and again..

    Been listening to the book over and over.
    Pain intense.
    Trying to go NC but fall back…I think I have had enough now….
    But when disbelief kicks in….. I crumble…

    Day 1 — today..

  6. agreenslade says:

    I was here last year dealing with a breakup with an ex who I found out was cheating on me for 5 years. I did the worst thing I could have done and let him back in when he contacted me. Fast forward a year, after finding out that he was still in contact with the girl he cheated on me with, and he says he doesn’t want a relationship and he thinks it’s best if I’m no longer a part of his life since I’m too good for him and he can’t give me what I want or need. I’m devastated again. It’s not as bad as it was last year, but this was 10 years of investing in him and us, and I get thrown to the wayside like garbage. He says it’s no one else, and that he still loves me, but this isn’t love. A part of me is holding on, but I know that there is no going back this time.

    I just moved into a new apartment, and I promised myself that this place would be free of him, as in no calls, emails, or facebook stalking. The last time we spoke was Friday, and I sent him a text message on Saturday, right before I blocked him on my phone. I really want to get over this and be better like I was last year. I signed up for activities in my city this week, and I even started posting to okcupid to put myself out there. I recently found out that I may be Grey-A sexual, and it’s getting to me that I truly won’t find someone any time soon that I will be attracted to. I’m going to go back to the book, and start healing again. I just hope that this will be the last time that I am here for him.

    • mchinela says:

      I let my ex back soooo many times… when the truth of things wsa smack dab in my face and I had to hide from everyone that I had let this jerk back in my life… and that this time it would be different.. but if it continously ends or is drama and pain , eventually it hits its true end.. this is the end of the beginning for you … my ex and I BROKE up and got back together so many times I never began to really heal and kept prolonging my healing… when it finally ended I thought life was over, the pain was unbearable… but you will make it … focus on you , its a simple concept we totally forget…

      • Goldie says:

        The possibility of my ex coming back was a big fear of mine, because I didn’t know if I’d have the willpower to say no. I consider myself very fortunate that mine has burned the bridges pretty thoroughly. When he told me he was now with someone I know, whom I used to get along with very well, from his small town, that he also works with, first thought in my head was “Whew, he can never come back now”. (second thought, of course, was “There goes my potential friendship with her” and that thought wasn’t quite as happy as the first.) It must be a huge temptation. There’s always that hope to relive the good times. But from reading you both, what I see is, in reality, after getting back together, the good times never come back.

        • mchinela says:

          Goldie,
          It truely never does its never the same and past issues arise .. when you disrespect someones heart I feel that sacred level of respect you should never ruin gets messed up and thers no going back..
          the first time my ex hurt me of many , it was atrocious.. he was inconsiderate and his actions seemed like he didnt care about us or what happened to us.. low and behold whne he came crawling back. I allowed him but I felt or knew his actions were not right and of someone who actually loved me…

          the good times really never come back its a false paradox thinking it will be all roses…. I feel like if I am with someone and I do them wrong , then I probably dont deserve them because you dont mess up with someones heart.. you might forget to pay a bill one day or to call a relative, but messing up someones heart is something that is pretty difficult to do if you have a conscious…. im glad this last time was it or like my friends have told me, it would have been the same song and dance…

          • agreenslade says:

            The hope is what is killing me. The hope that he calls or emails, even if it doesn’t go through. The hope that he realizes his mistake and comes back. I have this false and dangerous hope, and it makes it hard every morning. I wake up in the morning and he’s the first thing I think about. And even if it’s the same for him, it doesn’t affect him the way it affects me.

            A friend of mine told me that it will always be the case until I find someone else. But I just want to be free. I’m going to work now, and I’m going to press on through the day until I can feel better tonight by talking to my friends.

          • scubasteve says:

            @Greenslade

            2 months I am still in your shoes. Last night I broke fitted and sent her so imessages. Apologizing for not being more open and honest the last time we talked… this was 2 days after she broke up with me by text.. what was I thinking and why Ann I still bargaining. The guilt of me not being more honest in the relationship I’d just chewing me apart right now.

            She never responded. I have a feeling she had me blocked which might be the best thing. I’m so torn up inside.. doctor gave me ambien, it doesn’t do a thing to help me sleep.

            Hang in there.. Hang in there..

          • callie35 says:

            scuba and agreenslade – just going to be honest – I am about 10 days away from 7 months of being NC….I still think about him when I go to bed…I still think about him sometimes when I wake up….he was in my dream last night. He hasn’t been in my dreams for awhile. This particular dream had me waking up feeling sad. In the dream a former co-worker of mine told me that him and his GF go out all the time all over town and that they are perfect for each other….of course in reality – he’s a hermit and they are only perfect for each other by both being emotionally unavailable, future fakers and fast fowarders. Anyway – I believe this is all being triggered because I created an online dating profile yesterday after not dating for about 9 months. I now have thoughts of – maybe he will come back….why is he with her? blah blah blah but really all I am doing is deflecting from me…the person I NEED to work on and clearly don’t want too. I got a text last night around 10:30pm and actually hoped it was from him….(the recycling sucks). It wasn’t….but I understand the hope agreenslade. If he did contact me, it would be the same as it was a few months ago when he contacted me….no point in even communicating. This whole process is tough…but you have to stay strong … DO NOT CONTACT….I never thought I could go this long without him being in my life. Even though I still have fantasies and sometimes hope … my head and my heart are almost on the same page. He is selfish, EU, chasing a feeling, and would never be able to give me what I wanted long term. The fact that he is already going to move in with his GF after them being together for maybe 6 months says a lot about him. He doesn’t care….as he told me, if we don’t work out I will just move out. that would be devastating….I see living together completely different. Anyway – we have to keep telling ourselves we are worthy, we deserve better, and we are better off alone then with these EU people who don’t care. I think I may have went off on a tangent…but just wanted to send you both some encouragement.

          • scubasteve says:

            Thank you calie… just when I think I get a few minutes of peace in my head there she is with all the wonderful things she did and how I made her cry and broke her heart.. I just feel so responsible for everything.. everyone is telling me I dodged the bullet.. but I feel like the bullet ricocheted and got me right between the eyes. Why do I feel so guilty about a conversion that was 2 days after she broke up with me via text when I was scared and injured like a fighter against the ropes fighting for my life.

        • callie35 says:

          steve – from what you’ve stated so far on this site – its not ALL your fault. It takes two. I think you need to stop playing the blame game. Maybe deep down you are upset with yourself because you saw warning signs and did nothing about it….I know that I carried around blame and still do sometimes for not sticking up for myself and walking away when I knew deep down I should. But at some point we have to forgive ourselves. Have you ventured over to baggage reclaim? that is a great site as well….take one day at a time. Set up a phone call appointment with Susan….I did this once and it really helped me.

          • Loveisallthereis says:

            I just wanted to express gratitude for this thread and the articles written and shared on this site. I have come to find that the “type” of guy I seem to be replaying the old patterns with are “dreamer” types…. guys who have great POTENTIAL but are kinda all over the place with their careers and their emotions. I become their anchor, their cheerleader and begin to orbit around their life until their insecurities start to either show or become mirrored in ME, and they bolt. I am only a week out of this last “goodbye” but I feel like I am grieving something MUCH larger and it is encouraging to see others doing the work on their ‘self ‘ so that we do not accept the rejectors !!!

            Also.. does anyone have any resources on information on these Dreamer types? I know I have heard them referred to Peter Pan types, or just flat out Emotionally Unavailable but I could use more information. Thanks

          • scubasteve says:

            I think I blame myself for how I handled things.. and was too passive and didn’t assert myself.. Instead I because withdrawn and allowed our relationship to go from being best friends to being that of a parent/child… Much to the same relationship as her to her mother… I realize we started to bring out the worse in each other so rapidly. How I miss when things were good though.. how I miss it. How I miss the good in her and the good in me. Before the snooping.. before the anxiety.. before I closed up like a clam.. When we first started dating I told her everything.. the deep dark stuff inside of me and she accepted me for me. Although she said I would never have talked to you if you were that guy back than.

            I don’t know what was first the chicken or the egg.. but somehow that changed where I feared what I was doing and the eggshells were everywhere… Right now I am thinking was it me? Was it her? When did we lose so much respect for each other? I wish I could just talk with her again and have an open and honest conversation.. but that I guess is only in my dreams.. and what is meant to be will be..

            I got my new keyboard in last night.. and spend 4 hours playing it. I forgot how mentally challenging piano playing is.. and It was nice to have a respite from constantly thinking about everything.

            Everyone that knows me is in shock that she told me I am lacking moral fiber.. they all say to me all your fibers are strong.. Everyone knows me as a stand up person. Just so confusing right now. And all I want is one good night of sleep. One long night of sleep just so I can function normally again.

            I am training for my next Ironman in July, and the workouts are coming along, and are becoming physically exhausting as the training nears 25 hours a week. I fall asleep fine.. but it seems every night 230 am… my heart is racing… and I am in a cold sweat.. the guilt.. the regret.. the longing for her.. Granted.. my resting heart rate is 45bpm so for me to have heart rate of 140 while just lying around, something is wrong.

            Keep moving.. I know mental toughness is the only way you overcome failure… I thought I did that already… now I am back here again… so sad..

          • Marie83 says:

            Loveisallthereis, there is a good book called the dreamer and the fantasy relationship by Natalie Lue

  7. 1dogshy says:

    5 days NC.
    HE doesn’t try to reach me…. which HURTS… after years of being together or on phone daily…. having him Not try to get me back… is devastating….

    He said last Wed he was still mad at me….
    Totally unreasonable since he was the mean rejector…..

    As the book says…It Doesn’t Matter…etc..etc…

    I find when I dream of him being mean….I wake up in distress…
    Sometimes I don’t remember the dream… just wake distressed.
    Then while writing in my journal or reading Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff… I remember the frustrating, hurtful dream…….
    And then I know why I woke feeling bad..

    I miss him…(the good him) but the good him hasn’t been around for a year…
    I must remember no matter how great it was…. it isn’t anymore…
    And hasn’t been for a long time…
    I thought it was just his cigarette withdrawal but after a year… it ISN’T.

    I have to remember how it Really was these last month’s…
    I just saw his truck drive by…while I was out in a work vehicle….
    Very painful…
    Plus I can’t go to my regular AA meetings…
    His heart is not shattered… mine is… I need my support group meetings now more than ever…
    But it rips my heart out to see him…

    • mchinela says:

      I know how you feel.. I have been NC two years this August..
      I was with the BH for 7 years and he too was mean and heartless ..
      our minds know to let go of toxic people but it seems to take the heart a LONG TIME to catch up….
      mine wasnt vry hurt to let me go either since he had someone lined up
      but really anytime anyone in life leaves us , they are doing a favor..
      why on earth should we ever want someone who doesnt want us?
      know your worth …. dont worry about how HE FEELS..im sure one day
      he will realize it , he probably has his own issues…. continue to focus on you .. you will be ok…. almost 2 years ago when my toxic long relat ended i thought i would die but I have thrived , gone on trips, etc… its a blessing in disguise…

      • jgroessl says:

        You know, I’ve heard that the recovery time can be half as long as the relationship itself. That’s a statistic I don’t want to believe, but I fear that it’s true. I finally kicked my ex out when she wouldn’t quit the affair two years and four months ago. Yes, 28 months! And I’m still not over her. Every time I go out in town at night I run the risk of seeing the new, flashy couple cavorting in the bars – rubbing my nose in my loss. I’m getting better day by day, but sadly I am beginning to believe the “half as long as the relationship” statistic.

        • elle says:

          jgroessl, Personally I don’t think the length of the relationship has anything to do with it – it’s the intensity of our feelings and our own issues that do. My relationship was 14 months and two years later I was still dealing with the loss in some ways. If we are co-dependent and emotionally invested in, and hung on to, a train wreck relationship … it may take us years. The key is to deal with our past, our baggage, our unresolved grief. Then we won’t stay in any relationship that doesn’t honor us. Focus on YOU!

          • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

            So true. If you’re healthy you can get over it fairly quickly, but if you’re still wallowing in it or refusing to move forward, it will take forever. At some point it’s a DECISION that I’ve had enough of this crap. And you move on and get over it.

            I had a ex-boyfriend and was addicted to journaling about him. I wrote long letters I never sent and sat at my computer in the basement with the glow of the screen hurting my eyes. One day, months after I started this craziness of practically living in the basement obsessed with he did this and he did that, I realized I was just repeating myself all over the place. I came up into the light, literally and figuratively, and didn’t look back. Some part of me just had to say ENOUGH! and be done with it.

        • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

          THIS IS NOT TRUE. I go crazy about this in one of my videos. I have clients who were married 20 years and if I told them it would take 10 years to get over it, they would jump off a roof.

  8. Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

    I was so happy when I realized that my ex wanted to “date” me, meaning he wanted to date others too. Except we were legally married and had 3 kids. so I was going to DATE my husband and others were too? Um, no. That was HUGE wake up day for me. Thank goodness. He wound up with the woman who “won” him. Booby prize. You, m’am can have the big idiot behind door number 3. He’s all yours. Have fun.

    • mchinela says:

      Susan,
      I AGREE! Thats how I feel now.. I feel like she won the “prize” and the prize really is a liar shady character, who she got with knowing he had me, but of course that doesnt bug her, me on the other hand, would run from the hills and never get with a man involved with someone sitll even if they promised me the moon and the stars, I WOULD ALWAYS WONDER geeez they did this to her would he do this to me?? and that is his character.. plus she knows hes a cheating liar shes even told me that… but hahaha I can live free from that forever and she cant : ) I WIN HEHEHEHE

      • Goldie says:

        Sigh, I do not even have that luxury. I mean, when he first told me he’d gotten a new girlfriend, that was exactly what I thought: so you got yourself a nice man who’s barely 4 months out of a relationship, good for you girl, enjoy the ride… But then recently he told me who she was… I know her, I’d been trying to reconnect with her since last fall stupidly thinking she was single still and that we could hang out… Never heard from her back then, but I contacted her again after I found out, a few weeks ago, and got a very nice email back. So now I cannot even gloat that she’d won the prize, don’t even have that consolation… instead I hope that he changes in his new relationship and treats her better than he did me; and feel worried sick that he won’t, because a leopard doesn’t really change his spots, you know? I can’t even hope that I win, I don’t want this kind of win if it’s her on the other side… Instead I’m hoping for a miracle that it works out for the two of them. Even though I have no respect left for him and don’t care to ever see or hear from him again… this is a messed up situation.

        • mchinela says:

          Goldie,
          It hurts when it is someone you already knew. In my case it was his ex that dumped him years prior but he stayed friends with. Something never sat right with me . BUt I was always told I was being insecure. The level of defensiveness he would show when I questioned their friendship. Also she always had a boyfriend pretty much . Not the same one but always a different one. And she swore to me she didnt want him. So when I found out why my relat of 7 years ended ( he basically retracted out
          of nowhere telling me he neded to be alone, two weeks later I find out hes with this hussy manipulator and she moved in , soon after she gets knocked up )

          I would think , now hes magically this amazing guy he told me he could never be ( he is a drug user, he has houses and a business and covers it well) and I would wonder how could she get with him pretty much while he was with me and get knocked up with this jerks child..
          but water truely seeks its own level.. makes sense…
          they are both shady..

          but really I thank her because after describing him , he sure sounds like a “prize” right? haha NOT!!!

          goldie these men dont change trust me .. recently I heard he wasnt happy with her and shes boring and he wishes she was fun like me … shes good at getting men to support her she has no aspirations or dreams… im sure in his head he misses me and the fun we had and the stuff I accomplished while with him, and people have told me he wanted someone below him that way he could always feel superior..

          my situation was messed up to .. but really if you stand back look at the situation as an outsider, would YOU date him ?? Looking at my situation Im like NO gross lol this guys a total basket case and needs someone with low/no moral compass and issues in the head..

          • Goldie says:

            Wow mchinela, that’s pretty terrible. After seven years. And he didn’t even have the decency to tell you the truth? “he needs to be alone”!! moving in with an ex and getting her pg is one hell of being alone now isn’t it? Ugh, sorry.

            No, to your question, I would absolutely NOT date my ex. He’s got issues. IMO the man needs a lot of therapy before he can even consider having a partner… from what he told me after he left, apparently he expects his partner to double as his therapist. He said to me it was his fault he’d never talked to me about anything, but that he hopes his next partner would help him open up? wtf? why is that his partner’s job? o well not my problem anymore! I didn’t like myself with him either. We did not have a good connection and I was twisting myself inside out trying to make him happy… and nothing worked… I was so exhausted, worn out, and irritable towards the end. That was not me at all.

            I do need to forgive him so I can move on though. Right now I am mad at him when I need to be indifferent. I am working on that. Doing the inventory, and I also met up with someone this weekend who gave me a great tip on how to do it. What you do is, you write an apology, to yourself, from your ex, exactly the way you want them to say it to you. Then you read it to yourself every morning till it sinks in. I tried it and I think it should be a great help with the forgiveness process.

            I had one realization this past weekend that I came here to ask for advice about, though. I have started seeing a therapist and will ask him about this, too, but maybe someone on here would have words of advice for me as well. I’ve realized that, while I’d been feeling the lowest of the low during the last month, that I was not grieving my ex – I am long over my ex. I was instead mourning the loss of what would’ve been a good friendship, with this woman who is now with him. From the one email she’d sent me, in addition to the interactions I’d had with her last year, I can just tell we would’ve gotten along great, if that whole my ex/her bf thing hadn’t gotten in the way. She really is an amazing person, my ex got super lucky this time. But with the way things stand, there’s no chance of her and me even being in contact… it just took me a month to admit that to myself, while on some deep level I’d already realized it and was mourning the loss of her. I guess what I want to ask is, how do I help myself get through this kind of loss? Susan’s book has a lot of advice on moving on from a relationship, but how do I move on from this? I’ve lost friends before, real friends, not potential ones. – I’ve been through worse than this – I had old friends of 10+ years betray me, I had a woman that had been my close friend since we both were 3 (that’s right, THREE years old) die in a car accident at 35. Each time it was incredibly hard and took me a long time to recover. I don’t know how to do this properly. Maybe someone on here can give me pointers. At least I’m pretty sure this isn’t about my ex anymore. He no longer exists to me. Our relationship was way too toxic and unhealthy anyway, I’m glad to be rid of it, as I’m sure is he.

  9. sarahsmile says:

    Last Monday would have been our 30th wedding anniversary. Instead of celebrating together, I’m waiting for his lawyer to finalize our settlement agreement with my lawyer. He walked out almost one year ago – I think he kicked me to the curb for a younger model. I’m still struggling and recycling, but the grief spasms are shorter and I’m beginning to appreciate living on my own terms. A friend commented that if he is living with a new woman, good luck to her. I had him for the best years of his life — now that he’s almost 70, she’ll get him for the downhill run. Hope she likes wiping drool and changing diapers in a few years!
    It still hurts though, and I’m not sure my heart will ever fully recover…

    • Ccds says:

      sarahsmile,

      Been reading these posts for a while now but this is my first post. You inspired it. Next week will be my 19th wedding anniversary. He’s been gone since Friday when I had to get a protection from abuse order and was evicted from our home. I filed for divorce. The hardest thing I have ever, ever done. I believe he is living with a younger girl also. Gut wrenching stuff!! I empathize with you. <3

      I think I am almost ready to share my story here; get and give support. This is a very difficult process that I don't want to ignore this time.

      Good luck to you hon!

      • sarahsmile says:

        Ccds,
        Wow – that must have been hard to get a protection from abuse order and have him evicted! Good for you for taking the steps necessary to protect yourself.
        I never thought of my husband as abusive, but in retrospect, I can see that he was emotionally abusive from the time we met. He had a very sharp and sarcastic side that really came out when he was drinking. I always made excuses for him and thought I knew the “real” person underneath. Now that I’ve been in therapy for almost two years, I can see that there might be nothing inside him. He’s always been very self-centered and made all the “big” decisions in our married life. The fact that he could walk out after 30 years and not look back says so much about him.
        Hope you are doing well, all things considered. It takes a long time to heal – I’m not there yet, but I can see improvement every day. I hope I’ll eventually get to the point where I feel normal again and don’t think about him for at least 24 hours. I think when we finally get our Separation agreement signed and file for divorce, I will feel better.
        Keep in touch.

  10. agreenslade says:

    My ex sent me an email yesterday, which I stupidly read. He said that he was only emailing to check up on me since not hearing from me makes him worry(Last time we spoke I was sick and getting dialysis) as he doesn’t know what is happening to me, but he would send a longer email later that day. He didn’t. My little brother also emailed him this weekend on facebook after I got really depressed, and he read the message and didn’t respond. I deleted the email my ex sent permanently.

    I was so hurt after reading that 3 sentence email. He worries about me, but he still left me. He was ONLY emailing to see if I was still alive so he can be free of guilt. He said he would actually email back and he never did. He didn’t stay, even though I’m “important” to him and he “loves” me. After a horrible night of sleep, and realizing that he never emailed me back, I created a filter to trash all of his future emails, if there are any more. I wish they would permanently delete them, but gmail doesn’t seem to allow that.

    I’m trying to be better. I think it’s a start by not answering his email and deleting it permanently. The filter also helps, but I know that the temptation(and disappointment), will be there when I check my email and wanna check my trash. I’m 4 days NC, and when I make it a week I’m going to give myself a treat. I’m going to try to move forward with my life, because it’s getting clearer that he wasn’t the one and he doesn’t care about me. I’m moving forward one day at a time. It’s all that I can do.

    • sarahsmile says:

      agreenslade: I know what you’re going through and the NC part is really, really hard. When my husband first left he said he was moving to the mountains for the summer to “heal.” (He was the one who cheated, lied, and got fired from his job for unethical practices. If anything, I was the one who needed to heal!) Anyway, he said we would be in touch and re-evaluate our relationship after a month, or so. After 30 years of marriage, I believed him and really thought we could work through this and come out together, so I sent him emails and texts (this was before I read GPYB). He never answered me unless the email had to do with “business” or running the house, (e.g., I didn’t know how/where to change the air filter for the house, so he told me.) But I never heard anything about what he was thinking, how the “healing” was going, nor did he ever ask how I was doing. It was like he walked away from our marriage, turned the page, and never looked back. We’ve been apart almost a year now, and we’re almost done with the legal separation. When a friend asked him why he never replied to me, he said, “I don’t want to give her false hope.” What an ass…
      I wish I could say I’m over him, but I still recycle and go through grief spasms at the most unexpected times. However, it does get a little bit better each day. I still think about him often — it’s really bad when I first wake up in the morning. I guess that’s when it hits me that I’m really alone and this isn’t just a bad dream. Just hang in there, re-read GPYB, and do the introspective work to understand yourself better. I’ve also started practicing yoga and I’m reading “The Untethered Soul” to try and figure out how to be happy and present in the here and now. Stay strong…

      • Goldie says:

        Wow SarahSmile, my last ex (the one that’s the reason why I’m here) said exactly that. I was more or less ok with him leaving, because I was sure we’d have no problem staying friends. After all, he’d stayed in very close contact with his previous ex when he and I were together. Within a couple of weeks though, he started cutting way down on the contact. When I asked him if he needed some time away on NC, he said no but he didn’t want to mislead me into thinking we could get back together. what now?… It had only taken me two days after breakup (that’s how long it took me to rest and catch up on my sleep, that I hadn’t been getting enough of in the relationship) to realize that he and I were not working out and should not get back together again… I told him that and told him why – I told him that relationship would’ve run me into the ground if he hadn’t ended it… I was given a BS excuse. And so were you. Sorry. Wonder if there’s a place in the mountains where these BH’s all meet, sit around a campfire, and exchange tips and tricks? because they sure enough seem to be doing the same asinine things to us.

        I plan on trying meditation too. Met someone through a dating site who’s been practicing that since his last breakup a couple of years ago, and says it has changed his life. I joined a meetup group that does guided meditations regularly, and will go to one of their events as soon as my schedule allows. Will check out the book too, thank you.

        And I do sometimes feel like it’s a bad dream too, I can relate to that. We were only together two years, but at his insistence I gradually rearranged my whole life around him… at the end, I did not have a life outside of him. Which was why it hit me so bad. Much worse than I’d felt leaving an 18 year marriage a few years ago… That one I had already grieved many many times for many years throughout our marriage. But this new one still hurts eight months later.

      • agreenslade says:

        I just got the book you’re reading and I’ll give it a try. He called me this morning and left a voicemail after it disconnected promising to call later, and of course here it is later with no call. I wish blocking someone meant that you would get NOTHING from them at all. This is too hard, and I don’t want to break NC by messaging him or calling him to say to not call me.

        I’m reading everyone’s stories and it’s making me realize that this is it and it’s finally over. I’m sad, and a part of me is thinking that this will pass, but I need to focus on moving on.

    • Loveisallthereis says:

      Thank you for sharing Agreenslade…. I am a week out of being discarded and I find myself checking the emails to see if he has checked on me. He said he would “reach out” and sometimes I think he said that to save face and send the message that he cares or just so I would stop crying in front of him as he was telling me he was not ready for a commitment and I “deserve better”. I am reading the book and doing the self-care necessary…. I guess I just feel idiotic for even allowing my heart to open to this BH in the first place. He had a marriage that ended really badly and moved across the country to “start over”… that should have been an indicator that he had some baggage to deal with. Instead, I tried to become his rock/savior/ living example that it is safe to love again. I feel foolish, and last night I cried. I miss the dinners we cooked on weekdays and the day in and day out of not contacting “someone” to say hello, goodnight etc makes my heart ache. Fortunately, I have the most supportive group of friends and family around me and they have all been really great. I come here and read a lot too…. it helps.

  11. agreenslade says:

    I was so distraught after my ex didn’t call as he said he would, that my little brother emailed him demanding that he stop trying to reach out to me. This would also help so that I wouldn’t break NC, and I would stop looking for messages and emails that would never come. But mornings are always hardest, and this morning I’m feeling so sad, because now he’ll never call me or email again. And I think “What if he’s mad at me because my brother emailed him” or “He’ll be defensive since my brother brought up cheating and think that I didn’t tell the whole story”.

    I can only do what I do every morning and move forward.

  12. callie35 says:

    so a few days ago I think I posted positively on this thread – but now I just need to post to vent I guess. I created an online dating profile the other day just to see whats out there…I have no expectations and I am hoping to start doing some meet up groups to meet people the old fashion way. Anyway – it seems to have triggered some feelings towards/about my ex. He hasn’t been in my dreams for awhile but the night I created the profile I had a dream that a former co-worker was telling me that him and his gf were going out all around town (in reality he’s a hermit) and that they are perfect for each other. The dream made me wake up feeling sad or wounded I guess. I know that I am better off without him. Regardless that he’s a selfish, emotionally unavailable person – he was my person for 2.5 years. We were attached at the hip as friends and then as bf/gf. I think I thought we would always be in each other’s lives….even if I was completely over everything – I am not sure I could still be his friend. I look back and everything was always about him…I hadn’t had male attention in a LONG time so I just soaked it up even though it was crumbs. I was also told a few weeks ago that he is planning on moving in with his now gf. Which doesn’t surprise me but also hurts. He met this woman 3 months after we broke up (Online). she recently separated from her husband. So he’s dating a married woman. This still bothers me even though I try not to let it. But I have higher standards then he does. He lives with him mom, who he hates so I can see him jumping at the opportunity to move out. We had talked about moving in together in the fall of last year but I wasn’t ready. Moving in to me is a huge decision – to him he just said ‘if it doesn’t work out, I will just move out’. Anyway – starting to date or whatever the heck it is….just seems to trigger things. I am just going to take things slow….I just want the thoughts of him to cease altogether. He also sent me a friend request through instagram a few weeks ago…which ticked me off. No respect. anyway – this is probably just a bunch of babbling but I needed to say it.

    • scubasteve says:

      The triggers are everywhere, in everything. It is so tough to stop thinking of them. Just when I think I get a moment to myself, poof they are back. 2 months and everything is just so fresh.. please time, take this hurt away.

    • Goldie says:

      “I think I thought we would always be in each other’s lives….even if I was completely over everything – I am not sure I could still be his friend.”

      My feelings exactly. Except we met online. I’m starting to think that a big flaw of online dating is, it creates an illusion of intimacy too soon… you think you’re close to the person and know them well, when in reality they’d only first messaged you a few months ago. In our case we were also long distance, which IMO also led to acting like a couple, doing couple things, spending whole weekends together, before we really knew each other… I had no doubt we’d stay friends, because hey look how close we’d been for two years. Now I realize the reason why we failed so badly at remaining friends, was that we’d never *been* friends to begin with… we just went straight from being total strangers to being a couple over the course of a few weeks. I did not know the real him until after the breakup. Pretty sure he can say the same about me.

      It’s different in your case though and I don’t understand why your ex would act like that towards you if you two actually *were* friends first? The one ex that I’d been friends with before getting involved, I’m still friends with, even though of course there’s some awkwardness present now – but at least we’re there for each other if needed, support each other, and treat each other right. Sorry to hear your ex wasn’t like that… I don’t understand this. Friends don’t do this to friends… sad.

      I’m taking a break from online dating now, and like you I’m thinking about maybe taking the old fashioned route this time. In online dating, there are too many expectation of getting serious by date 4 or 5 and that’s just way too fast for me right now… I’d rather meet new people organically and see if I click with any of them… for now at least. Online dating triggered all kinds of feelings in me as well, I would hope that when I just get out and meet people for what they are, that there won’t be as many triggers involved.

  13. callie35 says:

    Goldie – I think in his mind, he was being a good friend. He doesn’t know how to really care for someone. Just himself really. He always told me I was his best friend. His ex wife told me when we broke up that she was sad it ended because she was glad that I took the time to really get to the know good in him. He comes off as a cocky jerk honestly – he does have good in him, but he will never work on himself to actually become that good, if that makes sense. You are right about online dating – I was thinking about this last night. The difference between him and I and him and her is that with her its probably more exciting because they met, started dating and probably don’t know the real them yet. With us, we were friends for a long time before we decided to try. But to him that is boring so …yea. LOL He wants to be friends again. He texted me in january to let me know they had broken up…seeing as that is why we stopped talking because he was seeing someone…I was like OMG…that is not the only reason. I then without even thinking sent him a text a week or so later telling him that my nephew was being born. I was really excited. He then told me they had gotten back together after she worked things out in her head, and he was hoping we could be friends. I told him I am not sure if we ever can be again….he then told me that relationships will never be the same to him since he got divorced and never will but he keeps trying. I wanted to yell ‘you need to be alone’ but didn’t say anything. Then I got the instagram request….he really does fit the bill of an emotionally unavailable guy – he’s still seeing if he has a foothold in my life. He will never be able to love someone the way I loved him or really how normal people love. He doesn’t have the capacity too. So it makes sense to me that he would be with someone who is just as emotionally unavailable as him. He is chasing a feeling – he wants passion all the time…which isn’t realistic. I do think though that when he gets bored or it blows up..that is when he will contact me again or try to reach me through some form of social media. However, he is blocked everywhere else.

    I am not sure if we were ever actually friends – I mean, I was to him no doubt but I think he was in it for what he could get out of it. I would assume somewhere in his head he thought…I might always be alone or have someone hear and there but I’ll always have lynn as a fall back girl. yea not anymore.

  14. scubasteve says:

    And ofcourse… easter… I send a gchat.. have a nice easter.. god bless… no response… doh… double doh… triple doh…

    • angels_rose.74 says:

      Hey Scuba,
      I’ve replied to a couple of your other posts but just wanted to ask you which Ironman you were doing in July (I’ve done 5 but having a bit of a break atm)?
      Also – glad you are training hard as I found that was a really great departure and a great distraction when I was where you are right now.
      The triathlon community is a very small one in NSW where I live and you can’t help but get close to your training buddies when you’re spending 7+ hours on the bike! Use this vital resource to help move forward.
      Good luck with your training and hope you get to the start line injury free.

      AR

  15. Marie83 says:

    I wonder if anyone has any advice on being NC when you are pregnant? The BH disappeared on me before I found out I was pregnant and found out that it was to start a relationship with someone else (this has now ended) I have told him about the baby and said he could be involved but that was all but i’m obsessed with him

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      He “could” be involved? WTF does that even mean? I would leave him be during the pregnancy so you can catch your bearings and take care of you and then inform him when the baby is born and have him adjudicated the father by a court and file for child support. If he wants visitation, it’s up to him to ask for it and it needs to be reasonable and consistent and not fly by night.

      • Marie83 says:

        Well I was going to let him attend the scans and essentially just update him on how the baby is progressing but I am finding that he is dropping me a txt every few days and its stressing me out – I have actually switched my phone off for a few days as I can’t be doing with the worry

        • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

          don’t…take care of you.

        • mchinela says:

          Marie,
          This is just my two cents but perhaps since you are deciding to have the child, you need the least amount of stress possible, perhaps maybe distance yourself for a little bit and focus on you and the baby .. its not going to be roses and rainbows but he will probably come around if hes a decent man and be a father.. but “could ” be involved is horse droppings LOL all jokes aside maybe he feels frazzled and scared that someone he is not with is having his child but it takes two to tango and he needs to think before he speaks because you cant maybe sorta be a parent… im sorry if i sound harsh but wow he has some nerve ! im sure your going thorugh a lot of emotions right now,c oupled with being pregnant but put yourself first

          • Marie83 says:

            I don’t think he actually minds! The baby was a complete shock and I found out after he disappeared on me again but when I told him he seemed more upset I had removed him from Facebook! I hope he does the right thing by the child but he is very good at making promises, less good at following through. At the moment he is going out having casual sex with someone who has a bf which upset me more than it should so I obviously need to focus on me for a bit

    • angels_rose.74 says:

      Marie83,
      My heart really breaks for you… but agree with Susan 100% – remember her thing about rejecting the rejector? Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Translate that to your baby… why would you want your own child to be with someone that ‘could’ be there… AUFKM??
      Be strong and be sure to let us know what you’re having. When are you due? How wonderful for you that you get to focus 100% on you and your baby and not waste precious time and energy on a BH.
      Best wishes to you.
      AR

      • Marie83 says:

        Hi,
        The doctor said the baby is due on November 5th but I have my first scan next Thursday so I think that date may change. Yes its difficult as the relationship was very co-dependent and I am still working on differientiated between what is his baggage and what is mine – for instance when he disappears or ‘replaces’ me with another woman I feel worthless, disrespected and unlovable but on the flip side if he contacts me to try and worm his way back in again I feel guilty if I don’t reply – that is really crazy isn’t it?!

  16. Goldie says:

    Hi Susan,

    Thank you for your advice to me on other threads. I am reposting a question I’d posted above, because I’m afraid it lost in the shuffle and I need help. It looks like, for the past month, I’ve been going through the grieving process all over again, but not for my ex, I’m done with that fine gentleman. This is a very weird situation. When my ex and I were together, the relationship somehow ended up tipped in his favor in that I spent almost all of my free time around his friends. There was one single woman in his circle of friends that I got along well with, as much as I could because my attention was primarily on my ex then and everybody else had to come second, he needed a lot of attention. Two months after he left me, last fall, I remembered the woman and tried to reconnect with her, seeing that we were now both single and had common interests. But I only heard back from her four months later and only once. A month ago, my ex finally told me that the two of them have been together for a few months now. She was asking him out when I first tried to contact her. He didn’t know, he apparently thought they were just friends, and was telling me about the trips to concerts and movies she’d been asking him to join her on. I was the one to tell him that it was probably something more, and that they’d make a good couple. Apparently, for once in his life, my ex listened to me, because the two of them got together shortly afterwards. They were both afraid to tell me. When he finally did, I wrote to her immediately to tell her that I understood now why she hadn’t replied to me before, and reassure her that it didn’t change the way I’d seen her. She sent a *very* nice reply back and I never heard from her again, which is understandable given the situation. However I am now finding myself grieving the loss of what would’ve been a good friend. This comes after a very rough year, a loss in my immediate family, job change, my ex blindsiding me with the breakup, the loss of more friends than I can count as a result of my two-year relationship and breakup… I just no longer have the energy to live through another grieving process. I’m in a lot of pain right now and really not happy about it. I want to be back to my normal self already. I don’t know why it hurts as much as it does. Maybe it’s just the last straw after all I’ve been through.

    My question is, are there any coping techniques that you might recommend, like an inventory or an unsent letter that we’ve all used for getting over a bad breakup, but for getting over something like this instead. A loss of a potential friendship that would’ve been good, but did not happen due to circumstances beyond everyone’s control? it is nobody’s fault, nobody’s a bad person in this, but to me it’s a loss nonetheless. I am ready to try anything constructive to make this pain stop, any letter, inventory, affirmation, anything at all, but cannot think of a single thing. I realize this is an unusual problem, but surely I can’t be the first to ever have it? Thanks in advance.

    As for the ex, he’s not talking to me anymore and that’s fine with me. I told him that I was no longer comfortable emailing him separately, now that I knew who his new gf was, unless I had a 100% guarantee that it was okay with her. I never heard back from him, and frankly, good riddance. I don’t like this guy.

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      I think that the terms “a potential friendship that might have been good” adds up to nothing. This woman, who happens to be with your ex, is nothing in your life and has chosen to be nothing. So what? Too bad, so sad for her. You’ve lost nothing. You need to find other people to be with and forget this one. There is already so much hurt and pain to be dealing with, why assign significance to something that isn’t anything? I wouldn’t worry about grieving something that never was…I’d worry about moving on straight away.

      • Goldie says:

        Thank you! “She has chosen to be nothing” does help a lot. I’ll just keep telling that to myself till it sinks in :)

        • mchinela says:

          I agree wtih Susan, Goldie ! you havent lost any potential anything … I think when we are dealing with pain our minds shift, seperate from that shock numb feeling… our minds sort of start thinking of other things and shift the matter at hand.. when my break up happened I was obsessed with the fact that he had left me for another girl (even though we were toxic and unhealthy ) and what a jerk he was and this and that and obsession if they were really happy.. but then I REALIZED i was pawning off the matter at hand- i needed to step back and analyze and really be happy it was over because he did me no good and I needed to observe why I allowed the nonsense to go on for so long.. slowly I dealt with the matter at hand… it takes time but it will happen!

  17. mchinela says:

    Ok just had to vent about this…
    I have been NC since Sept 2012, almost two years yay! I have been seeing someone for almost 5 months.

    So last year during the summer I started talking to someone …
    He seemed good .. at first… I put aside the fact that he was 32 and lived at home,
    at the time we met I was 26. Something didn’t sit right about him.. I analyze things.. our first date was very casual .. I got inclinations he was cheap later on into dating him.. he didn’t drive the greatest car but the new me doesn’t look at those things anymore.. as I used to .. but SOMETHING didn’t sit right.. and thankfully since I have been on this blog and read the book , I truly understand that garbage belongs at the dump !~!!! He was attentive but it was just weird. Oneday I looked in his phone (shame on me, something I know is wrong, I self reflected) so while hanign out with me
    he was texting some woman , and the girl seemed to be really upset about “losing control ” over him a few days before YIKES .. I was really upset and didn’t say anything to him.. it wsa weird its like my shady detector was going off and I was right.. so I kind of backed off on him. then one night I was drinking some chardonnay and got ballsy and texted him what happened – I knew what happened , I got rid of an Emotionally Unavailable jerk …. and since he wasn’t chasing after me I was there pondering and reaching out … so we start talking again and he lays it on heavy saying he wished I was his gf etc bs I wanted to hear…. so we end up hooking up and I end up falling for him again ( don’t ask me why? ) and I decide to snoop on fb (shame on me again ) and this time I see days before us hooking up he was on a trip with a woman . I was beyond disgusted at this creep! I confronted him about it and his true colors came out. He told me “well im single I do whatever I want” sure wasn’t what he was saying before he wanted to get me in his bed…. so I saw a pic on ig and they are together , and I don’t know why its bothering me…. this is where everything ive learned comes into play. Water seeks its on level… he is the type of man that gets woman to pay for stuff for him , hes pretty cheap , like noticeably cheap ! and makes a big deal when he pays… my therapist told me he was similar to my ex and I like the bad boy difficult guy hard to read because its a challenge….

    I just don’t get why I am jealous or upset that she :”got ” him.. hes such a womanizer he is not to be trusted, hes shady !!!!!!!! I have a bf who is 100 times better then him in the honesty department… I guess I feel duped, because I ran for the hills and I still let him re enter.. similar to my ex and I .. another lesson learned… THEY DONT CHANGE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OK I feel better now

  18. Marie83 says:

    Hi Mchinela,
    The ‘why her not me’ mentality is one I know well but you have already answered that question with ‘water seeks its own level’ – he is with her because you wouldn’t put up with any of his nonsense. Pat yourself on the back for getting out when you did

    • mchinela says:

      Marie,
      Thank you I dont know what my problem is in relation to him :( ??? I have a boyfriend ive been with almost 5 months and that guy was from last year, yet seeing him with this woman that I had doubts and feelings about, confirmed, annoys me ! but your so right! im glad I ran for the hills. He was sooo fake.. good morning beautiful texts everyday, saying what I wanted to hear, etc..
      I never once chased after him and I am glad I didnt because he is weird and totally emotionally unavailable .. my therapist like I said told me I had a bad boy challenge complex and he reminded me of my exbf..ambigous and hard to read…. thank you for reminding me i dodged a bullet!

  19. mchinela says:

    Marie,
    I was wondering does he currently have any children??????

    • Marie83 says:

      Yes he has a son from a casual fling he had – the mother is pretty much a version of him – she didn’t put his name on the birth certificate though so I think contact is as and when she allows him too. Although he could have been lying about the input. Honestly its all such a mess and I never thought I would be in this situation

      • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

        Why are you in this situation?

        • Marie83 says:

          Well I have now opted out of the situation but very recently but I am worried about having a baby with this man

        • Marie83 says:

          Because he promised me he had changed/loved me blah blah so I gave him another chance – the baby wasn’t planned and I was using contraception. I don’t want to have an abortion so its the choice I have made. I don’t want to be in this kind of relationship anymore but I also want to do right by the child

          • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

            I’m asking because I was that unplanned child and it f’d up my life and I’m pretty adamant about people using reliable bc until you’re in a healthy, committed relationship. Though I love my kids and was a grandmother in my 40s and adore my grandchildren, I wish I had waited until I was healthy enough to know what I was doing. Learning to be healthy while raising kids with an unreliable co-parent is hell.

      • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

        He can go to court and be adjudicated the father.

        • mchinela says:

          Marie/Susan,
          I dont post about this often so Ill keep it simple but I had an accident with my bh… months before we broke up I found out I was pregnant … SOMETHING told me in my heart to not do it , and i think its because my mom and dad divorced when I was 1 year old. I was raised by amazing sweet grandparents and my mom and dad on weekends. But it was so hard :( we lived a middle class life but it was mainly due to my grandparents, or else if it wasnt for those angels, life would have been rough. My dad , I love him but I never saw him work hard for us he always knew we would be ok with my moms parents and my mom .. and blamed his lack of not working at times to his illness…

          when i found out I was pregnant with someoen I had so much pain with , who treated me horribly , made me feel such deep sorrow and sadness alot of times… I couldnt imagine us with a child together because it probably would have broken us up or he still would have done what he did to me, and he would have two infants right now a year apart in age with different moms, YIKES !!
          everyones situation is different , I guess I am such an overanalyzer that thinking of having a child with him gave me anxiety attacks and the pregnancy occured while we were together..

          I of course was shcocked when right when we broke up she got pregnant, months after I was pregnant but he just shoots his jollies wherever he wants .. I made my choice based on my childhood and who he was and that pain I guess I suffered of being a divorcee’ child… Im sure we could have co pareneted but it woulda been a crazy situation but at the end of the day the c hild will always come first…

  20. mchinela says:

    I had a dream about the BH….
    in the dream we were getting along , NEVER LIKE BEFORE
    we were sharing a deep connection and he was treating me kindly not
    like the usual peasant treatment…

    then I woke up and realized my new bf who treats me this way, it was really his spirit and the BH was emulating it –I woke up and reflected and took this as this message :

    The BH WOULD NEVER treat me that way for an array of reasons. he was hung up on his ex, he is an addict, he is a jerk , etc etc etc… I used to bargain and make excuses for his atrocious ways.. in a weird way i knew i deserved better… but I didnt know how to be strong and just leave..

    I am evolving into a person I am much happier with ..
    If things dont work out with my current beau, things will be ok. It wont be like
    the world is ending agian … the horrible pain I felt when the bh and I finally split was a lifetime of repression and other bad things I was masking with the comfort of that relationship…..

    The guy I am with now is considerate, thoughtful , and unlike the bH he puts effort into us… again if it doesnt work I will be ok .. my dreams arent me killing the bh and bh woman any more lol

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      I dream about my ex-husband a lot more than I care to and always have (he passed away 2 years ago.) I think because so much is unfinished and I never understood why he treated my kids as he did. I thought that when he died, it would stop but it didn’t. I’ve only dreamed of Michael a handful of times since he passed and some of them have been horrible–that he doesn’t know he’s dead. But in almost 5 years I’ve had maybe 5 dreams about him though I’ve tried to will myself to dream good dreams about him. But there was no unfinished business between us. Our last words to each other was, “I love you.” and then he slipped into a coma the next day and passed 2 days later.

      Many times dreams are about unfinished business, not the need or desire to be with someone. They are unsettling but they’re just dreams.

      • mchinela says:

        Susan,
        Thank you for making me feel better. Sometimes I wake up with guilt after I dream about him… I wonder why hes in my brain processes but your right as others have told me its just unfinished business being sorted around….

        I never dream about my ex before the BH. Because the first ex was a BH but years later he came arond and apologized and told me he acted like an idiot and he will never have me back and he has to live with that forever… felt kinda good to see remorse. I guess bc we are settled I never dream of him vs BH , it will be two years this Sept since weve spoken.. sorta happy about that !

  21. Maddysmommy says:

    Hi everyone,

    Not sure if this is where I should introduce myself so if not I’m sorry
    5 weeks ago my husband walked into out room when I was going to bed
    And told me he was moving out. I met him when I was 15 and I’ve been with
    Him for 15 years. This last year has been rough for our family ( not between
    My husband and I ) but because we moved provinces and I made the decision
    To follow my dream and go back to school.

    I think my husband felt left behind because he is quite happy with his lot in
    Life and I just wanted to improve it. I was 2 weeks from graduation when
    He dropped the bomb on me and I fell apart, but had no choice but to pull myself together because of school and our 9 year old daughter.

    I had to live in the same house as him for 3 weeks and I tried everything including begging him to work on our marriage and the more I did the more I felt like garbage. He says he loves me but not like that but refused to give me the closer I needed by saying this was final instead he said who knows one day might get back together.

    He signed off custody to me of our daughter and I moved very far away and with the distance I demanded to know if we were or weren’t trying to fix our marriage and he would only say not right now. So I made the choice to make it final and I think because I finally have some down time and someone to help with my kid I went off the deep end yesterday and I’m not sure why it took so long.

    I love my husband so much and it’s hard to let go and at the same time I’m struggling with our daughter because she is mad at me for this and to be honest I don’t want to look at her because she reminds me of her dad.

    Yesterday I made the brave decision to reach out to a doctor for help and to be honest was quite surprised that he repeatedly called this a social issue and said I can’t just take anti depressants because I’ll still be sad. I do have an appt with a counsellor today and I’m terrified.

    There is so much more to this, but what I do know is it has stripped me down to the core and it hurts. I’m on a roller coaster I can’t get off of and I’m scared because I am in a new place, with no money, no job, and no husband.

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      The doctor sounds like an idiot.

      I hope you find another doctor who actually gets depression and not some moron.

      It’s time to get a job, take care of you and your daughter (and not accept her anger…she’s taking it out on the wrong person and that’s not okay.) You can and will get off the roller coaster by dealing with your grief (and getting antidepressants if you’re that upset) and taking care of you. It’s not easy but it is very do-able. Glad you are here. Welcome to the blog and hang in there.

  22. Maddysmommy says:

    Thankfully I decides to see the counsellor regardless even though he works in the same office as that doctor. The counsellor was amazing and 100% supportive of my choice to be on anti depressants and wrote so in my file.

    Then another stroke of luck I saw a different doctor who was fantastic and even though he wasn’t taking new patients agreed to take me on because he liked me. He prescribed my anti depressants and then when I got home I made some calls about long term counselling and lucked out.

    Today is better then yesterday, and I had a good conversation with my daughter, and I want to get moving working but my struggle is the job I do I have to be emotionally available as I care for the elderly but I feel tapped out.

    • mchinela says:

      Maddysmommy,
      WOw your story choked me up, you might not feel or believe it but your REALLY STRONG ! I want you to know that as cliche as this sounds , it will get better.. I know youve been with him a really long time but you shouldnt want someone that doesnt want the same things as you (I know this is easier said then done) but your BH is probably going through his own things in his mind and you are probably better off without him dragging you down …

      Focus on YOU… your self care is #1..although its easy to forget when we are dealingw ith the grief…

  23. Maddysmommy says:

    Thanks mchinela. I know what I should be doing logically but there is this pit I’m my stomach that regardless of what’s going on reminds me I’m alone. It’s funny I always thought I was ok being alone because my Husband and I always did our own things but this is truly being alone and I crave all the things he said were lacking in our marriage, I guess it’s the want what you can have thing.

    My emotions scare me, and I don’t know how I let myself get this much wrapped up in another person.

    • mchinela says:

      I totally understand how you feel, my ex and I did a lot of stuff alone but I was shocked when we broke up the things he said about wanting to make someone happy, and etc he gave me lots of BS dont internalize what he said against you as a person ..

      I got very wrapped into another person to … it was scary.. like a drug… sometimes I didnt even want or need it and I would crave it if that makes any sense at all…

  24. agreenslade says:

    I’m falling apart. It’s been exactly 7 days NC and I can’t take it. I can’t sleep and I barely made it out of bed to write this. I miss him, and after last week, I know that he will not be contacting me again. The last time we spoke he told me that he loved me and he didn’t want me out of his life, but he didn’t know what to do because he didn’t want to be in a relationship, and he can’t do anything for me. I feel like dying because the pain is just too much. My friends and family are saying to get over him, but it feels insensitive. I gave 10 years to this man. And yes, he cheated and lied. Yes, he doesn’t love me as much as I do him. But he was my first everything and I don’t think I will ever find anyone again. I want him back just so the pain stops. I want to contact him so I can find out if he’s with someone one so I can hurt and let go. I want to hear him say that he doesn’t love me. If he told me that he was leaving for someone else and he didn’t love me, it would have been kinder than to tell me he loves me and didn’t want me to leave. I have so much hope for him to come back that I want to scream and cry. I am broken and I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.

    • mchinela says:

      agreenslade,
      Everything you described I have lived and experienced …
      “I want him back so the pain stops” my ex would leave and I would want him back so the pain would stop…. and then … like clock work he would come back
      and I would kinda realize he was no good but my pride and ego would be overjoyed that the tables were turned and he was suffering over me for a change… I would let him back in and like clock work , he would revert back to his ways…

      we did this song and dance about 20 plus times…imagine the pain your feeling right now 20 times over with the hope your together again .. i had ISSUES to say the least….

      “if he told me he was leaving for someone else ..it would be kinder” :mine left for someone else. It wasnt kind and it isnt kind either way. It hurts a tad more when they trot off with someone else, in my case we broke up and he claimed to be alone but really he had someone and couldnt be man enough to tell me ..

      I know how extremely crucially painful it is and some people can be so insensitive (especially friends whove never dated someone for a long time)
      Ive realized there are the friends you can vent to and the ones you cant vent to … also some people sometimes arent open to listening to other peoples problems..

      i know you feel broken and scared, soemtimes I still have my moments but my best advice: do everything you can to shift your focus to you right now.. he did you a favor and one day youll see it that way…

  25. Goldie says:

    Just logging on real quick to share the good news. Over the last 2-3 weeks, things got serious and I eventually got together with someone I’d met online in December. We’d been taking it very slow for a number of reasons. One huge difference between my previous relationship and this one is that we have an incredible connection. We get each other completely. We respect each other completely for what we are. With my last ex, I’ve come to realize (after doing the inventory three times) that, even though I accepted, and could live with, what I considered his harmless little quirks, I was never able to really respect those sides of him. Which was a bad way to start a relationship, because those things, as weird and funny as they look to me, were to him an integral part of his identity. Same thing with me – I had to hide, or apologize for, a lot of who I was when I was with him. By the time he ended it, that relationship was bringing out the worst in both of us; he was getting super clingy and controlling, and I, extremely tired and irritable. I can see the difference now, between what we had and a healthy relationship, and believe me it is day and night. Can my new relationship still end at any moment? of course it can. But at least, when it ends, I’ll still be myself. (and will hopefully have retained some of the contacts and friendships that I now have – learned that lesson the hard way.)

    One thing that surprised me was that we spent the last two weekends mostly just, you know, hanging together and talking and getting to know each other better… and we both had a blast! Whereas with my last ex, we had to always be on the run, always have something scheduled for our time together, concerts, exhibits, parties with friends – which is not a bad thing in itself, but it now occurs to me that it was partly due to the fact that we were afraid of, and didn’t know how to, spend time together just the two of us, with no outside distractions.

    My words of, um, wisdom (well as close to wisdom as I can get) to everyone on here today are, one, if you have to hide parts of what you are, that you’re proud of and consider crucial to your identity, in order to be with your partner – ditch that partner immediately – no matter how many common interests you have or how good the physical chemistry is, it will not end well. Two, the right person does exist; do not settle for anything less. I dated on and off since last October, and turned down at least a dozen people because the connection just was not there. I’d pretty much come to peace with the idea that I might never meet anybody and that’s okay. And lastly, when a dysfunctional relationship ends, it really is a blessing in disguise. My last breakup had almost destroyed me at one point, but I am so thankful to my ex for it now. I would’ve never had the self-awareness or the courage to end things, and I’m glad that he did.

    I tried to make peace with my ex, but he seems to no longer talk to me. It saddens me, because I hate having enemies and or people who dislike me, but there’s nothing I can do; it’s out of my control now; I tried. I find it weird, seeing as he seems to be happy in his new relationship; I’m likewise happy right now and my first reaction is to want everyone else to be happy too and to be at peace with everyone; but like I said, my ex and I are completely different people.

    • scubasteve says:

      Goldie…

      Good for you.. Your story sounds so much like mine.. All the things I loved to do and people I enjoyed talking to I had to start to hide.. afraid of judgment, opinions or worse.. her breaking up with me… I was living in fear… and than the cell phone snooping and being told I lack character and lack moral fiber..

      I read a great book.. controlling people.. it really helped me put things in to perspective.. I now see I was the perfect image of love to her, but whenever I did not fit into this pretend image, it brought out rage…. telling me what I did and how I felt about doing things… making me believe everything I did was wrong because it did not fit into her picture of love. When she would curse and blame during her rages I should have put my foot down. Instead I apologized.. blamed myself. When demanded to know where I was and what I was doing or why things were taking me so long I should have put my foot down. For so long the relationship was great.. I am just stuck trying to figure out why I confuse love and attention for loving jealousy

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