May NC Chips

It has been a long time since we did NC Chips and there is a lot about NC in the recent threads so I think it’s time for one. For those of you who are new, this post explains the hows, whys and wherefores of NC chips.

Please share your success and your struggles here. –
If you’re struggling, please feel safe enough to talk about it here so you can get great tips and pointers!

TIME FOR NC CHIPS! Come and get yours!

Many of our regular readers/writers may be getting ready to go on summer holiday or hiatus, but sharing NC stories and time is important. If you’re struggling with it, it’s important and if you’re succeeding with it, it’s important.

We have a lot of new readers and readers struggling with NC so please share your NC success and the benefits of the NC world. If you’re struggling, feel free to share here and ask for support. If you’re not counting time any more, please share that too! When did you stop needing to know “how long it’s been.”

Thanks all and congrats to those picking up chips.

Before we go onto the chips, these are the reasons we count chips:

1) to reward ourselves for doing it. It’s a big deal and needs to be treated like a big deal.
2) to show others it can be done.

3) if you’ve been maintaining a good stretch of NC but fell short in the past, write about your struggles and how you overcame them.

4) if you’re struggling, tell us and how we can help.

Your “count” is up to you. Don’t let someone else say “Oh don’t start over” or “You have to start over.” This is about learning to be true to yourself, to be honest. Is a Facebook peek breaking NC? Yes, it is. Do you “need” to count it? I would but it’s up to you. NC time is important because it shows us that we do have power and control over what we do and how it affects us. If we say “I have 30 days of NC” it’s up to you to know if that is an honest count or not. Don’t set yourself up by counting NC time when you are not NC. The thought that you’re not being true to yourself will eat at you more than starting the count again. And please don’t tell anyone they do or do not have to start their count over. If someone asks, “Is this breaking NC?” you can weigh in with your opinion.

NC is about you.
It’s about knowing you have control over your life and your impulses. It’s about rewarding yourself for NC time and showing others it can be done.

No contact (NC) is truly the key to moving on. It’s a big, important topic which is why it’s the first chapter in the book.

Even if you work with, have children with, mutual friends with, live in a small community with, NC is possible in that you only speak when you have to, you don’t get into emotional issues, everything is very business like. Again, the advice to do this is in the GPYB book.

If you don’t share anything like that, going NC is very important: CUT OFF ALL CONTACT.

Anyway, long before the book came out we gave NC chips for staying NC for various lengths of time (as they do in 12-step programs). We also talk about issues and struggles for those not NC a long time. We have 24 hour chips which means for this 24 hours you will commit to NC!

If you break NC or respond to your NC-breaking bananahead ex, you don’t “go back to square one.” You have had progress along the way and it’s easier once you’ve done it a while to do it again. So shower and get right back to NC. And tell us what you’ve learned Dorothy.

So leave your concerns, issues, questions, stories here and

Come get your chips!!!

NC Chips

24 hours: white
30 days: yellow
60 days: green
90 days: blue
6 months: purple
9 months: red
1 year or more: GOLD

Pick up your chip! Tell us what chip you get and how you did it. Share your NC power of example! Talk about how long you’ve been NC and what it’s been like for you.

I would also suggest, in the way of being good to you, to BUY yourself an actual chip, a real chip and keep it on your dresser/bureau or some other prominent place as a reminder of how WELL you are doing. Standard poker chips are fine but the gold ones can be a nice round gold piece from a jewelry store or buy a chain with a nice round gold pendant.

If you’ve been a NC you definitely deserve something nice. There have been other suggestions on here such as keeping a jar and filling it with something nice for every day NC or some other way to mark the time and see how strong you are. There are some suggestions in the GPYB Amazon Store (see tab above). GET YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE!

Make your symbol REAL and not just virtual! And TELL US what you did or bought or how you celebrated!

If you’re struggling with NC, talk about your biggest challenges to NC and what is standing in your way and if you need help/support.

What are your challenges? What are your issues? We are all here for each other!

Celebrate Your NC Time
No Contact Time Magnets:

Or some “Good to You” products from the aStore:

GPYB aStore

GPYB receives a very small portion of revenue from products purchased from Zazzle and Amazon aStore and uses it to give scholarships, book, etc to those who cannot afford them or who are in an abusive relationship. GPYB does NO ADVERTISING on this site except GPYB products and we don’t believe in annoying our readers with popups or other ads.

PLEASE support the site by buying from the aStore or Zazzle or if you cannot buy,

give the book a review on Amazon HERE or go our Zazzle pages and LIKE and tell your local news outlet about GPYB and give them contact information for an interview.

Tweet our posts or like our FB group page or Digg or Stumble the posts. If you’ve ever gotten something from this site, please give something back. Thank you!

All of this helps us in our goal to reach people in destructive relationships.

Thank you

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60 Responses to May NC Chips

  1. just_hurting says:

    I am having a hard time with no contact today. I am really sad today, really. The ex and I were supposed to go to his bowling banquet tonight, and I am just sad to not be there. I am really missing him today. We broke up March 22, but had contact for about 3 weeks. Then I couldn’t take it, I bought my GPYB book and went NC for about 2 weeks. The last time I had contact would be 2 weeks on Monday. I just miss him soo much, even though I know he is so bad for me. I guess I think I should be over this by now. I don’t want to break contact, but my heart wants him back today. I cried about it. I just hate this. I hate him some days, and miss him terribly others. Today is just a bad day. Granted it is better than it was in the beginning. The pain is not the agony it was, but I do have days where it hurts so much, and I wish I could change everything. I know stuff happens for a reason, and I know there is a plan, I just wish this didn’t hurt so much sometimes. I just really miss him today. I just need to be strong.

    • Loveisallthereis says:

      HI @ Just_hurting – I wrote you a response on an earlier thread just now. However, in terms of NC… I broke it late last night after I was sent that text from my girlfriend saying how she bumped into “him” at the gym. Seeing his business card really triggered me. Then I just got angry. He said he wanted to BE FRIENDS…. and ever since those words flew out of his mouth, I have felt even more rejected than when we were together bc he initiated contact a few weeks ago, I responded and I got an “I’m really busy and will get back to you when I can” brush off. SO, I took matters into my own hands and called him yesterday. Keeping in mind that this guy is not abusive AT ALL. In fact, I believe that had I taken time to get to know him and not let my hormones and loneliness lead me, when I learned he was fresh off a divorce a little over a year ago, I may have been the one to “friend zone” him in the first place rather than jump head first into intense fun/introducing him to my family and friends/sex etc and then feeling devastated after four months that he says he is not ready for something “serious” and needed to “focus on healing” from his divorce.

      Since April, he has reached out to me twice (one call, one email) and three of my friends/family have been oddly “running into” him out and about… it felt like I was still connected to him through all these run-ins with him and my loved ones… although I have kept the space I need to heal. After the 4th person “ran into” him at the gym (where I guess he now works) I finally said enough is enough.

      I wrote him a message via text saying I do not think it is a good idea for us to “be friends” and matter of fact, since he has said he wanted this… he has been even LESS of a friend than he was when we were together. So… although it hurt, I let him know that I am still in pain and that I needed to un-friend him on FB and I would like it if he would not try and solicit business from MY friends when they see him at his work place. I do not think that this man was a P… but I do know that he said he did not want to commit to me, and he mentioned that he felt that he could not “be the type of man” that I needed. So, it seems sometimes ppl cannot commit either way. To stay or to go. I on the other hand, know myself. Every time he contacted me in the past, I went into the place of fantasy thinking “maybe he wants me back” and that is not a healthy place for me to be in, so I asked for what I needed which was a REAL FRIEND, someone who CAN and WANTS to make the effort and DOES !!! At this point in time, I am still hurting to consider the idea of being okay with an ongoing “friendship” with someone I was only a month ago, wanting to have a long-term relationship with.

      • just_hurting says:

        @ loveisallthereis

        Good for you, girl! I know how you feel and how hard it is, but you can do it. We will do it together.

        • Loveisallthereis says:

          @Just_hurting…. not sure if you are familiar with the website but that is a great resource for ppl who are breaking free from abusive relationships and focusing on building self-love. my screen name is the same as it is on there… and they allow for personal messags (IM’s) so we can exchange numbers there if you want to set up a profile (unless you have one already)

          I took your advice and I asserted a boundary with friends/family and with him. I let him know that I am not in a place where I would be indifferent seeing him walking hand in hand with another woman at this point, which is my emotional boundary test of whether or not I can be in contact on a TRULY FRIENDSHIP only level.

  2. Wintermoon623 says:

    just_hurting: I had to respond to your post. Everything you are feeling is perfectly NORMAL for this process. As someone who can understand the pain you are feeling I can guarantee that if you continue to do your work and use your GPYB tools, you WILL get through this and you will be ok. I was in a nearly three year relationship with a coworker (yeah…I know). Long term future was discussed often until one day he just pulled the rug out from under me by ending the relationship. I was devastated. It turned out, however, to be the conduit for my own self discovery and healing. I can tell you without hesitation that NC is the only way to go and it does work. You are still in the beginning of this…you have to be loving and patient with yourself. It WILL get better. Keep the focus on you… as Susan says. There are going to be triggers. There are going to be days when the pain and longing is so strong you don’t know how you can take another breath. But you will and you will be ok. I can promise you though, that as time goes on it will get better. At first only in nano-bits. Then longer and longer periods of time. Then one day will arrive when you realize you are MUCH better. In the meantime hold on to that NC with all you’ve got. It is your life raft in this storm.

    Postscript: I still work with my ex. So you can imagine how difficult NC was in the beginning but even if you have to see your ex every day you can still make NC work. We have a professional relationship (I don’t have contact with him every day but we do cross paths). I can honestly say ALL the pain is gone because I did what I needed to do for myself and healed. We broke up four years ago. Three years ago, after taking a year to work on ME, I met a man I am still with. We are happy and in him I have found a partner who loves, respects and supports me and I, him. We accept each other for who we are. What is the best about this relationship? I know, without a doubt that if it ends tomorrow, next month or ten years from now…I will be OK. Because I have the tools now that I need and I value myself above all else. I will always be OK. You will be too. Good luck to you.

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      That is awesome. The irony is that once we can live without anyone else’s baloney, that is when someone with NO baloney walks in to our lives. I swear I met Michael just weeks after deciding I would rather be alone than put up with anyone’s bs, no matter how small, for 15 minutes let alone 15 hours or 15 days or 15 weeks or 15 months or 15 years. I had been leading up to that for a long time, but I didn’t vocalize it (quite in the way I did that day–and I truly believed it at that time but don’t think I had said it out loud–and that day I felt the need to say it out loud and rather loudly though I was home all alone.) Once we do our work, figure out our core issues, work on that, affirm that we are worth it and truly believe it, people–good people, healthy people–are attracted to that level of confidence and self-trust. Once we value ourselves enough to declare victory over our past and all the terrible people in it, we are rewarded with a nice life and self love and healthy people who truly care about us.

    • knd393 says:

      Thanks for sharing how things can be. It’s so encouraging to read.

      I especially liked what you said about valuing yourself above all else.

      I am working on that steadily, and like how it feels.


  3. agreenslade says:

    Friday made 2 weeks NC, and I’m struggling with looking in my email for something from him. He left me when I told him that I was really sick and having dialysis, and it’s upsetting that he would leave me during that time. He gave no answers, just left, told me it wasn’t for someone else and that he just didn’t want a relationship, told me that he wasn’t shutting me out of his life and didn’t want me to leave, and then turned around and ignored me. I asked him if it was for someone else and I got no response. I feel like I was lied to again. I wish I had answers, and sometimes I feel like it would help, but right now I’m using this time to focus on me. Am I sad that he hasn’t reached out to me? Yes. But I also ask myself if I want him to, and the answer is no. He cheated on me for years and blatantly lied to me. He destroyed our relationship and left me thinking that we still had something while sleeping with someone else. He also made it seem as it was my fault that we were no longer close, even though he replaced me with other women. He left me during a hard time in my life and when I told him I was very ill. I was suicidal and he would ignore my messages until I started threatening him by telling him I would have sent pictures of what I was doing to myself. He made me feel so worthless and small, and for the second time I’m here because of him. But for the first time in a long time I am trying to be strong permanently.

    I still feel worthless, but when I do, I try to envision myself as someone stronger. I focus on seeing myself moved on from him, happy, successful, and in a relationship with someone who loves me unconditionally. He has made appearances in these visions of myself, but soon I hope to not care if he knows I’m happy without him or not. I am starting to finish a B.A degree at a new university tomorrow, and this same time next year I wish to start my Masters. He always said that I was stronger than I thought, and my life didn’t begin or end with him. He was right. He was also a selfish bastard who cheated on me and thought that by telling me how strong, beautiful, and amazing I was would somehow abdicate him of guilt since I would move on. I am doing my inventory, and looking at the good positive things he brought to me, but also reliving the horrible things he did to me and behind my back. This Friday will make 3 weeks, and soon it will be a month, and then two. And then I can’t wait until I no longer count because he would no longer be a factor in my life.

    Let’s all be strong and move forward together.

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      Great suggestion. Yes, taking your worth from someone else, especially someone who is hurtful and terrible, is a bad idea. Chances are he is full of self-loathing and can only feel alive by hurting someone else. That someone was you. Taking yourself out of the situation validates yourself and says you ARE worth it. Thanks for sharing!

    • just_hurting says:


      You must be so strong. You are stronger than me for sure. Do you have bad days? I do. I have days where I want him, and others where I don’t. I didn’t deal with the cheating like you did, but he was toxic for me in other ways. Controlling, isolating, he would call me by his ex wife’s name if I didn’t agree with him (ex: yeah, ok Amy), things were always my fault, I was always going to be the one to destroy the relationship, and the list goes on and on and on. I put up with so much crap from his ex, and things were just so messy. I know that if things would not have ended and would have been with him for the rest of my life like I wanted to be, I would have been miserable. I can wrap my head around that and even accept it, but my heart is just having a terrible time accepting that. I didn’t even do my relationship inventory for 5 weeks, and I still have to do my review and letter. I feel like such a failure. I worked so hard at my relationship, and to have him end it the way he did just destroyed me. It hurt so much. He called me terrible names at the end…he called me a c**t, scumbag, liar, he called my family trash. It was so hurtful and it was all because I was upset he made plans for me and my daughter without asking me if I minded. I have never had anyone hurt me like that before. Why does my heart want him? Why can’t my brain override my heart? I know there are better people out there. I know there is someone who would never treat me like he did, why can’t I make my heart realize that this is the best things that could have happened? There isn’t a person in my life who wants me to be with him, yet, my heart would take him back in a second if he came to me and asked. I have gone so far as to block him from calling, facebook, all emails go to my trash, and yet a part of me keeps hoping he will come to my door, tell me he loves me and wants me! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

      • agreenslade says:

        @Just hurting THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!

        I still have bad days. He left me over a month ago, and the reason why my NC is only about 3 weeks is because of bad days. I was suicidal and I would call him. I would miss him and I would call him or email and text. I would tell me how much I love him and how I can’t be without him. He would ignore me and I would continue to run after a man who showed me constantly that he didn’t want me or love me. But I found that I have friends, and yes, that I am strong. When it gets really bad I envision myself free of him and as the person I always saw myself as; Successful, beautiful, and happy. I would dream of myself being pampered and loved by someone handsome and famous, while my ex watched bitterly. I’ve started going to the gym and doing yoga in my city. I’ve started going to random meetups in my area that are advertised on I rebooted my degree, and if I work hard enough, I will have a B.A. this time next year. I keep reminding and showing myself that there is a life outside of him and it is good!

        I was where you were last year when I found out that he was cheating on me with with a “friend” for 4 years of our almost 10 year relationship. I foudn this out after spending my entire savings on a trip to see him over the Christmas holidays. He told me he didn’t want me and he preferred her, while I still stayed in his apartment for 2 weeks. AND I STILL WANTED HIM. I begged him to come back. I cried. I journaled. I saw a therapist. And when I was starting to heal, just like you WILL heal, he came back. And he came back to me with lies. He was still seeing the girl he cheated on me with, and as the same time before, he only let me find this out after I spent a lot of money to travel from Europe to the USA to see him. And then he let me go for her again. And here I am once again.

        You may want to take him back but don’t. After almost hearing nothing from my ex for almost 3 weeks, he sent me a text message saying “hello”. At least I assume it’s him. But I didn’t respond. And I will try hard not to. Because we are so much better than the men that don’t want us. We are so much bigger than them when they hurt us when all we did was love and be faithful. IT GET’S BETTER. It may not seem that way, and yes people say it over and over without it meaning anything to you, but it does get better. I am still in love with my ex. But I know that he can never love me like I deserve. Just like yours could never love you the way someone as wonderful, beautiful, and fabulous as you deserve. It gets better. Be strong with me.

        • knd393 says:


          I had to post, as I, too, traveled a long ways to see my ex. Only in reverse, from the US to another country. Twice! The last one was horrendous. I ended up flying home two weeks early, just so I could preserve the tiniest bit of dignity I had left. There wasn’t much, I assure you.

          I have reached a point where I know, with sharp clarity, that I would NEVER allow myself to do that again.

          It took a lot of work to get here. I think you sound strong, and congratulations on all the hard work you have done to achieve that.

          I think these guys have some radar that senses right when you are moving on. Then they try to zap you with a random text, or call. It’s such bulls*it.

          I am working on trust issues, and keeping myself grounded in reality.

          As far as him: like Susan says, “It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter”.

          And it feels great that it REALLY doesn’t!

          Keep up the NC, and congratulations.

          Here’s to continued success! For us all.


        • just_hurting says:

          @ agreenslade.

          When you said this, “When it gets really bad I envision myself free of him and as the person I always saw myself as; Successful, beautiful, and happy. I would dream of myself being pampered and loved by someone handsome and famous, while my ex watched bitterly.” I realized that I need to start doing this myself. I have always had a thing for Johnny Depp and Adam Levine (oddly the ex was extremely jealous of the fact I thought these two were attractive). So Johnny is giving me a massage and Adam is fanning me with a beautifully decorated fan and crooning “She Will Be Loved” (my fave Maroon 5 song) only for me. The ex isn’t even in the vision…I don’t want to ruin my now “safe” place.

          I am sorry you were hurt so much by this man. I am sorry you spent so much time and money going to see someone who so obviously didn’t deserve you. You are right when you said, “we are so much better than the men that don’t want us. We are so much bigger than them when they hurt us when all we did was love and be faithful.” I don’t know if he is going to come back. He has a very bad situation with an ex wife who is very unbalanced and who’s aim is to make him miserable and has 4 daughters (2 sets of twins) who also make things difficult because of games their parents play…it is going to be hard for him to find someone to put up with that I did for as long as I did. I don’t know if he is going to come back, but I can say this. If he does, I can’t take him back. My friends and family have made that very clear. I can’t be in a situation where I am being hurt by not just my ex, but his situation. I don’t want to live my life with that kind of chaos and drama. I deserve better. Today is obviously a good day, but it always seems my days after therapy are.

  4. just_hurting says:

    Thank you Wintermoon. The encouragement helps. Sometimes I don’t know how I can live without him, and other times I don’t want him. I can’t stand him and everything I went through for him, and all the crap I put up with. I just want to get to a point where I forget him and move on with my life.

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      From what you’ve written on here, he sounds like an awful person. Living without the pain from him leaves you with the pain within. Take care of you and know that there are better people and happier situations out there but for now you have to work through the grief and get over and through this. You can do this!

      • just_hurting says:

        Thank you for your encouragement, Susan. At some point last week I turned a corner. I feel like I am bouncing between the middle stage of grief and acceptance, with more days heading towards acceptance, and fewer days bouncing back to the middle stages, but the days I am in the middle stages are tough. I look back at where I was a month ago, and I am doing so much better. On Thursday, it will be two months since the BU, and as sad as that is for me, it is not nearly as bad as it was.

  5. knd393 says:

    I guess I have earned a blue chip. Though it has been longer than 90 days. I am proud of that. It has been a rough road, especially in the first 30 days. I cried, wailed, rocked, ripped up mementos, cursed and even called in sick to work. I deeply loved this person, and part of me always will. But, it was at such a cost.

    And I look back, even a short 4 months later, and think, ” I’m free! I’m stronger, I’m better!” And this after returning to him two times after he treated me like crap. I never, ever thought it was possible. I think, where was my pride, dignity and self-esteem?

    It took lots of tears, introspection, honesty, self-care, journaling, and sometimes minute-by-minute holding myself together, but it happened. And it can happen to you!

    @ just_hurting…I agree with Susan 100%. Your ex sounds like a real jerk. Calling you by his ex’s name? How cruel. Please ask yourself if you would treat someone like that? Were you unkind, controlling, abusive? Probably not. So part of the challenge is turning it all around, and recognizing this person is no good. Short & simple. Now you need to forget about him, and concentrate on you! What do you want? Not, I just want to forget about him- make it about you. “I want peace in my life. I want that sick feeling to go away. I want to be happy. I want to be treated nicely.” Again not in terms of him- but in terms of you!

    It’s not easy. But it gets EASIER!

    It takes time. Often lots of time. So give yourself all the things you didn’t get. Love yourself. Tell yourself you are okay. Do things for yourself. Look at what triggers are happening currently that make you feel anxious. Read the book, journal, cry a bit, but then set it all aside, and treat yourself well! Do it over and over. Until it sticks!

    That was hard for me. I thought I needed for HIM to treat me well, but when I finally started thinking about me, what I wanted, it started getting so so much better.

    It will for you, too. He sent me a text about a month ago. Saying he loved me, and missed me. Four months ago, last year, I would have been overjoyed at that scrappy text and flung myself back at him. Instead- I felt irritated, and indignant. How dare he? Am I a dog, he can just whistle at and I’ll run? Heck, no!!

    It helped me to remember that most BH men don’t end up wailing and crying. They just move onto the next victim. Poor saps. But in order to be in an honest, loving relationship-which you DESERVE- you’re going to have to look at YOU, figure out why you would even want some idiot, face the pain, and KNOW you will make it thru this!

    I know I have a ways to go. But just know that it does get better. It gets so much better and you WILL MAKE IT!

    Good luck-keep us posted. K

    • just_hurting says:

      @ knd393

      Thank you so much for your kind words. This weekend was a really rough one. I hate weekends, because they all seem hard, but today is a good day. I am sending in my paperwork to start volunteering at the local VA Hospital as a greeter. This is always something I have wanted to do, but never did because I was always busy with my ex husband and then the BH. There has always been a special place in my heart for our veterans. I want to give back to them, because many of them have sacraficed so much for me. My ex WAS a real jerk. I would never treat someone the way he treated me, and who calls their girlfriend by their ex wife’s name, because they don’t like what the girlfriend thinks? The fact I put up with it as long as I did is embarrassing. Like you, I ask myself, “where was my pride, dignity and self-esteem?” In some ways, I feel bad for this guy’s next “victim”. It makes me want to take a billboard out in our town to warn other women about him, but the reality is I can’t afford it, it would be considered slander, and those women need to take care of themselves, because I need to focus on me. They are not my responsibility… I am praying a lot for healing right now. I am praying for strength. Even though a part of me wants this guy to come back, a larger part of me wants him to stay away. If he would come back now, it would temporairly make the pain I am feeling go away, but it would not make the unhappiness that would be my life with this man end if we were together. I am starting to realize the temporary pain I am feeling now is nothing compared to what my life would have been like with him.

      • knd393 says:


        Honey, I had an ex husband that was a jerk. We are cordial now, but that took two years. I probably should have healed from that before starting things with the last BH. That is also the reason, this last one was wrong from the start.

        And it hurt more. I, too, felt embarrassed. I thought of horrible ways to get back at him. But, slowly, I started making it about me.
        Why should I waste any more time pondering HIS thoughts, feelings, or future actions? Mine are all that count.

        So we were embarrassed. So we should have done things differently. Ok. That was then, and this is now. Quit kicking yourself over the past. Forgive yourself. Love you now. Keep making it about you, working through the pain, anger, and giving yourself time. Read GPYB over and over. Look in the mirror and tell yourself how AWESOME you are.

        Yes, weekends are rough. At first I dreaded them. Now it is so much better. And it will happen to you, too!

        Even if he came crawling back, it would only drag you backwards.

        And why would you want to start that whole h*llish cycle again?

        No- trust me, you don’t.

        So glad you are volunteering. That is wonderful. Keep doing things for yourself, and soon he’ll just be a a fuzzy blimp in your rear view mirror….

        Virtual hug. K.

  6. brokenheart813 says:

    It is really nice having a site like this where people going through heartbreak can support others. I have been trying to go NC and have for two weeks with regard to no text, no phone calls, etc. My struggle is with his Facebook page.

    We dated for about a year and did so many things together, went on trips, concerts…we always had fun. Everytime it would get a little bit serious he would pull away and become distant. We said all the I love you’s and I miss you’s and Can’t wait to see you’s. I even had keys to his apartment. I was the most giving person and even loaned him money when his car broke down and helped in other ways when I could.

    We had just gotten back from a trip and he was acting very odd. We had a great time on the trip, but something didn’t feel right. He was becoming very distant and then decided to end it…OVER TEXT! The worst part is he kept promising that we would talk and get together as we needed to discuss things. He would tell me he would call so I would wait. He said we would meet so I waited some more. In the end, he never met with me and never talked to me. We would text here and there and he would just say he was busy and attack me like I did something wrong. He would say “You know I have been busy and I will hit you up when I have time”. Hit me up? Really? He finally told me that there was nothing for us to talk about. I feel like the rug was pulled from under me and I have been devastated. I don’t know how you can break up with someone that you “loved” over text message. I found it to be very cowardly and immature especially in his age of nearly 40. I never asked him for anything but I asked him to meet and talk with me so things would be closed and at peace and he pretty much said no, because he found no value in it.

    After all this, like I mentioned, I haven’t text him in two weeks, but I find myself checking his Facebook page…interestingly enough, he didn’t delete me! So now I see all of his happy posts of his dinner plans and days out on the boat. I know I should delete him, but I am finding it hard because this is the only connection left. I just think it is quite ridiculous that you will break-up with me but not defriend me on Facebook. He is making me make the hard decisions and that isn’t fair. So this is my struggle today…I am doing my best to just let him go.

    • just_hurting says:

      Hi Brokenheart. I agree with you on it being nice to have a place to come and support eachother. I am so sorry you went through that. I am so sorry you are broken hearted. We seem to be on the same track, I have been NC for two weeks, yesterday. I also dated my ex (who just turned 40) for a year and a half and we broke up on March 22. How long has it been since you broke up? I feel your pain and am sympathetic. You are strong and we can do this together.

      • brokenheart813 says:

        It happened March 1 and the only reason it has taken this long for me to try to go NC is he kept telling me we would talk and meet. I feel like he lied and really misled me. I still even have keys to his house as he never asked for them back. I finally came right out and asked him if he really planned on talking to me and he just kept saying “I will hit you up”…like I meant nothing. We talked about kids, we talked about future plans, and it’s hard because it’s like this didn’t even phase him. I just need to somehow have the courage to delete him and all his friends from FB because seeing all of his posts just break my heart.

        • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

          I will hit you up??????????????????????? I would say “Not if I hit you first, you moron.” Why are you giving him all the power? There is NOTHING to talk about! He’s gone, history, over, goodnight. The fact that it doesn’t phase him should make it EASY to delete him. he’s an SOB. The word bananahead is too good for him.

          DELETE HIM. GET RID OF HIS FB ACCOUNT. If you think about yourself CONSTANTLY as having a broken heart, you will be stuck. STUCK STUCK STUCK.

          Get off this site, go to FB, delete him and then come back here and stay here.

          I had a guy I was seeing whom I truly loved and he said he loved me RIGHT UP UNTIL HE WAS WALKING ME OUT FOR THE LAST TIME. Talking to me…tell me the he loved me and was so grateful for me…we never had a cross word between us…and he was LEADING ME OUT THE DOOR…in more ways than one…he was kissing me and hugging me and saying what a wonderful person I was…and his ACTIONS were “get the F out…” TRULY.

          And I was DONE. F him. We had NO bad times, we had no cross words…we had no negative anything and we enjoyed the hell out of each other…always a good time together and yet it was GOODBYE. The whole “I love you” and “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me…” thing was GARBAGE!!! Who lets go of someone they feel that way about??? STUPID PEOPLE. I did not want stupid people in my life…people too STUPID to realize I am awesome. NO NO NO. Just say no to idiots.

          Stop being a victim. SHUT THE DOOR. Take back your power. And say hello to a new life without this idiot in it.

        • just_hurting says:

          Hi Broken. So you and I are right about the same spot in the BU timeline. Listen, I know you are hurting, I know how you feel. I also am bouncing between loving and hating him. Missing him and not. Hoping for reconcilliation and not wanting it. It is hard enough to get through this dealing with your own mind and pain. Talking to him is not going to give you closure. Keeping in contact with him is not going to give you closure. I met with my ex 2 weeks ago this past Saturday. The only thing that came out of that was I got to leave on my terms. I got to seem him cry, tell me he loved me, tell me he missed me, tell me he thought about me everyday and wondered how I was doing, tell me he drove past my apartment to “torture himself” and apologize for all the crappy and things he said to me and tell me he wanted to be my friend, but that he didn’t want a “relationship” right now and we had bad timing and he didn’t want to give me “false hope” but maybe down the road, all the while telling me how he was drinking all the time to drown the pain and getting girls phone numbers and how “nobody wanted him because of his messy situation” and he went on a date but “wasn’t into it” and he could have many “one night stands” but didn’t want that and it didn’t help me at all. All it did was show me that I had dated one of the most selfish A$$holes this side if the Mississippi not to mention a liar-if he felt all that, he wouldn’t be letting me go, he would be staying with me. Leaving his house on my terms woke me up to the fact that even though I am still in love with this jerk, I deserve a million times better than what I am getting. My heart wants to hear from this guy, my mind says “NO WAY HE’S NOT WORTH IT”! Block him all over the place. Delete and block him, his family and friends on Facebook (having contact with them will also not help, but it is your choice)-and if his family and friends contact you, tell them not to (again, your choice), block his cell, block his house phone and set your email up so that any emails that come from him go directly to your trash folder. Get rid of every “love token” and “gift” he has given you (I not only got rid of all the stuff he gave me, but my daughter, and anything his family gave me including stuff from his kids). Is it harsh? You bet! Did it hurt? More than I can say! Does it help not having reminders of him around me and hoping/worrying he calls or gets ahold of me? Yep! Do I have days where I want to break NC? Many of them! You have to do things on your own time and when you are ready, but cutting them off at the knees is liberating. I am in control and setting my own boundaries of what kind of relationship he and I will have, and that is NONE! You deserve better than what he gave you. If he is already seeing someone else, all you are doing is hurting yourself by keeping tabs on him through FB. I don’t want to know if my ex is seeing someone else, I want to heal myself so that I am ready to see someone else. I don’t want to know if my ex misses me or regrets breaking up with me (OK, a part of me does), but it does me no good to know that and all it does is hurt me. The only thing you have any control over is what you will tolerate in the healing process. Do not make it harder on yourself by continuing any kind of contact with this man. Take the power back from him, the Lord knows he doesn’t deserve you.

        • Loveisallthereis says:

          I LOVE what you wrote Susan. SUCH power in your words. I will read them often when I feel weak.

          @Brokenhearted813 and @ Just-

          I feel your pain, truly I do. And yet, like Susan’s relationship she mentioned above, the most recent guy (who “rejected” me/the idea of a committed relationship with me/ a future with me etc ) and I did not have an “abusive” relationship and yet, he let me go just the same as the psychopath I spent 3 years of my life with. I believe it has hurt more with this current separation BECAUSE I COULD NOT HATE HIM or blame his behavior on psychopathology, or stay stuck in victim-hood.
          He was just saying “the timing is not right” and he too told me he wanted to “be friends” and would call and “check- in” on me. I told him that I am not a 2 year old who needs to be monitored. I am WORTHY of a MAN who is emotionally available and who is not giving me CRUMBS of his time, his heart or any other form of energy.

          @Broken, HE IS TRIANGULATING YOU by talking to you about all the women he refuses and playing on your heart strings to garner sympathy so he can keep you tethered to him and unable to move on. I was EXACTLY where you are with the exPsychopath and he told me (during the time I was stupid enough to actually keep contact with him once we broke up) about the woman he was sleeping with and how she was not as “good as” me in this way or that way. Truthfully, those words at THAT time gave my silly little ego a stroke and I ended up getting back together with him for another go-round for 1.5 years… totally immersed WILLINGLY in that triangle with this other woman. Until I was willing to disengage and EMPOWER myself, I was not free. And when I finally left, he went right back to her and I heard from a friend who is mutual recently that they are STILL TOGETHER.

          I used to think “why would he give her what he said he was ‘unable’ to give me”. Today I say, THANK YOU SELF, for REMOVING THAT EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE FROM OUR LIFE…. IM SO GLAD IT IS NOT ME !!!!!

          As Susan said, the guy you describe (because he is abusing you STILL by even telling you about his current dating life) is NOT concerned with your feelings and he is not behaving in a loving way from what you have shared. Check out the book by Sandra Brown “Women who love psychopaths”, it helped set me free from that P, and also gave me COMPASSION for myself being that I am deeply empathetic and a total and (in the past) willing target for these types.

          Although I am still in a LOT OF PAIN here and there regarding being told “not right now” by a guy I really liked and enjoyed on many levels, I am proud of the progress I have made because at least he is not a psychopath and he let me go 5 months into the relationship rather than trying to string me along until he got bored with me or someone who could give him more praise/ who he could more easily manipulate came his way.

    • Goldie says:

      Hi Brokenheart, wow, I’m sorry to hear your story. This is sad. If it’s any consolation, there’s hardly ever closure. My ex (been over nine months… long time, I know), that I had a relationship with similar to yours (trips, concerts, fun, two years) broke up with me in person, also shortly after a trip we’d taken together. It wasn’t any better. Sometimes I think I wish he’d have saved me the time and gas money and done it over text. I came to a weekly date night, not suspecting a thing, and all of a sudden found myself being dumped. He had all my things packed in his car. He said he had to move on, he cried, I found myself trying to comfort him to make it stop, because it was seriously freaking me out… I actually said to him “you deserve better” yes, I told him he deserved better than me while he was dumping me!… still blows my mind that these words came out of my mouth. But I said it because he caught me off guard and put me on the spot with this whole thing. I asked him why he was leaving and he said he didn’t know, he’d have to think about it and tell me later. Two weeks later, he emailed me saying “I still don’t know why I left”… We met for coffee three months after that, he looked happy and talked about how he enjoyed dating around and meeting new people and “doing things he couldn’t do in a relationship”… I thought, Oh good, here’s my closure. He left because he felt constrained by an LTR… three weeks later he was in an LTR with a mutual friend. So much for closure! So what I’m saying is, even if your BH and you had met, he’d just have wasted your time, told you things to your face that would’ve made you feel inferior and question yourself, and you still wouldn’t have gotten any closure… if that’s any consolation to you.

      Mine wasn’t friends with me on FB, and didn’t want to add me after things ended and while we still “tried to remain friends”. He and I have mutual FB friends, so on occasion I used to see his and his gf’s comments… last weekend I finally blocked them both. I don’t want to know what they’re doing, I don’t want to remember that they exist. And I sure as hell don’t want them to see anything I post. I know, took me nine months, I am the queen of procrastination… Maybe hide him for now instead of deleting him? I know it’s a half-measure, but to delete him before you’re ready and then start regretting it, or worse, trying to add him back, would IMO be worse… been there done that with other people before.

      • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

        closure comes from inside you…not from another person. I suggest she delete him. RIP THE BANDAID OFF.

        • Goldie says:

          Ah that explains why I never got closure from the ex… In that case, I suggest that she not only delete, but BLOCK him. As in, she cannot see any of his comments, he cannot see hers and she won’t come up in his searches. I did that last weekend. My ex and his gf were never my FB friends (ex was for a bit, but I deleted him back when he first broke up with me nine months into the relationship), but their comments and likes kept popping up on mutual friends’ pages and bugging the living sh.t out of me. I blocked and now it’s like these two never existed. Very liberating.

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      Stop looking at his FB page and defriend him. Take the r out of friend and see the fiend that is left.

      He’s not making you do anything, he’s doing what is easiest for him. He’s saying you’re not even worth the effort to delete. He doesn’t CARE.

      It’s not a hard decision to defriend someone who treated you awful and unfairly. You are also treating you unfairly and awfully by reading his posts and . He’s happy on the boat and you’re unhappy reading about it. What is wrong with this picture? Why do you want/need a connection to someone who is so rude and terrible??? TWO OF YOU are being mean to you. You MUST MUST MUST be good to you. You must make that your priority. NOT what he’s doing. You not only can do this, you MUST do it!!!

      I had a similar situation and it’s hard to not

      • brokenheart813 says:

        I know you are right, but boy is it hard to accept. I just keep playing back all the times he said I love you, called me sweetheart, and said I meant the world to him. I never seem to remember the hard times…

  7. brokenheart813 says:

    I have tried blocking him but I still go to his page and look every now and then. One of his friends told me that he thinks he is already dating someone else, which is not what I wanted to hear at all! I just have so many mixed emotions – I felt like my whole future was just gone. He said some pretty mean things at the end too and actually quoted our favorite movie – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – he said “I am just trying to find my own piece of mind, don’t assign me yours”. I thought wow, I guess you were really never there for me at the end of the day. So I text him back and said, “In that movie I never understood why she wanted to erase her relationship, but now I know why she did it”. I don’t think I will ever be able to watch that movie again! That was my last text to him…I was more than he deserved and I surely overgave…everything we did I paid for and last year alone I spent $4000 on all of our activities and he never paid for a thing. I guess I am better off…at least my bank account is! As you can see, I fluctuate between the sad phase and the angry phase :)

    • Goldie says:

      Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (that also ironically was one of my ex’s favorite movies, that he showed me when we were together) came to my mind probably a few hundred times since my last breakup. Each time I’d think to myself, If only there really was a way to do this erase, I’d go for it in a heartbeat”. But then, how would I learn from what happened? how would I make sure that history does not repeat itself? FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS OMG you really are better off! I paid less than half for our activities. We had the same income, but my expenses were far higher and I gave as much as I was able to. I’d never be able to pay for everything… I don’t think I’d ever want to pay for everything. There are so many men in this world who will never ask this of you! You’re better off for sure!

      • just_hurting says:

        This is where you and I differ, Goldie. If I could erase the memory of this guy, I would. At 37 years old, having dated before and being married, I have never had a man hurt me like this one did. Maybe my first boyfriend, but I was 17 at that time and that is to be expected. If I could erase the memory of this man and my experiences with him from my mind, I would. If I could go back in time and take it all back, I would. The pain I have felt has been more consuming and painful that anything I have ever had to endure, and that includes childbirth. I literally hate him for hurting me a throughly as he did and am still in love with him. I hate it and would rather not have him be a part of my past irregardless of the experience.

        • Goldie says:

          True, mine is probably a different situation. My ex husband, at certain points in our marriage, hurt me A LOT more than my last ex ever could. I walked out of a 18 year marriage with a goal to find a healthy, loving relationship, just so I can experience it and see what it’s like, since I’d never had one. I’ve only had three serious relationships in my life (may have just started a fourth, but don’t want to jinx it…) and I got into each one of them for the wrong reasons – but each one was still an improvement over the previous. My ex husband, I met when we were 19 and 20. I had a huge crush on him, he was laid-back, good-looking and liked animals. In my deranged mind it was enough to start a family together. Boy did I pay the price. My first relationship after divorce was with an old friend, we have in fact managed to remain close friends after it was over (and after 7 months of NC), but none of us were ready for a relationship when we got together – his divorce wasn’t even final yet at the time. And we had some major disagreements on top of that (opposing political views). I chose to get together with my last ex because we had many common interests, and also because, even though I didn’t have enough love and respect for him at the time, he seemed crazy about me and kept saying that he wanted to make me happy and treat me well… so I decided to give it a try. Most important lesson learned? I concluded that I shouldn’t ever again get together with a man who says he wants to MAKE me happy. He will try to shoehorn me into what HE thinks will make me happy on HIS OWN terms. What I should’ve looked for is a man who would’ve let me be myself and loved me for myself. Second lesson, common interests and hobbies are not a guarantee of future happiness. We had all the same hobbies, but no connection – we never understood each other as partners should. We had completely different personalities too. He did not have a sense of humor – that’s a big one. I admit I still wanted to stay in that relationship, because it was the best I’d had at the time, even though it was wearing me out and bringing out the worst in me. Luckily for me, he ended it. I came out of that relationship with new learnings and a new understanding what to look for next time. My new SO doesn’t have my last ex’s social status or educational credentials, but we get each other like my ex and I never did. Which as I believe is a step in the right direction for me. I wouldn’t have known to take that step if I hadn’t gotten burned with my last ex. But I admit that I am the kind of person who learns best from my own mistakes. It’s a pretty costly way to learn, which I also admit.

    • Loveisallthereis says:

      Broken…. Here is a link to a great article by Peace whose blog is It may help you sift through the feelings related to being told about your BH’s current dating life, how to disengage on social media etc…

  8. caa12 says:

    @brokenheart813 as you I also think is nice to find supportive words here. I’m new in the blog and it’s a good time to participate. I can see that there are many people here always willing to give you kind and supportive words based in the experience of them and it will help you. I know it.

    I’ve been for one month of NC, though my ex dumped me three months ago. It still hurts too much but I’m working so hard in my grief. My BU is similar to yours. My ex called me once day and told me “I’m tired, it’s over” just before of san Valentine’s Day. The worst thing was what she said, she wanted break up just for one or four months and see what happened, that she still loved me and we would find the way to be together someday but she was passing through hard times and she needed some time and space, so I was holding my hopes for some time. We were also in a long distance relationship for a year and half, she came three times here to Latin-American but I couldn’t go to US because I recently graduated from bachelor school, she spent money in the flights but when she was here I tried to give to her everything that I could. She argued that she didn’t see me there even when I was working so hard to get experience and looking for grad-schools to go there. One month after the BU I wrote a long and deep love email explaining how my plans and dreams were there with she or at least somewhere close place to her but then she said me that she didn’t want to be in a relationship and she hoped we could be friends later, so she hit me twice. During the next month I was emailing (a couple of times) and asking to her why, how, when but I just got painful answers so I’m better with NC because I don’t want more pain it’s enough, I still love her but I can live without her. As Susan says: reject the rejecter.

    Reading the Susan’s book made me realize that my relationship was not what I thought; I know she is a good person and we were saying to each other “I love you” “I miss you”, traveling together, having a nice Christmas with my family and all this things but always there were problems when she came here. She felt unsure about herself she was shy and then blamed me because my friends were “ignoring” her. She speaks a good Spanish but always is unsure about that. I avoided putting her on hard situations but anyway the “grumpy monster” woke up and she named and tried me bad sometimes, then she said that she would go back to her house and I was crying, begging and trying to stop her. The next day after a fight, she usually apologized and said that she was stressed out or sick or tired but she didn’t want to leave me.

    I thought that love was about being very compressive and patient with the other but it’s not. I was a loving and faithful boyfriend, always saying to her nice things but she has a serious problem with her self-esteem, no matter what I said, how great, beautiful and awesome she is for me, she fell depressed and worthless. When we weren’t together we were talking every day in g-mail chat listening and supporting each other but I guess it was not enough for her and that hurts me because I did my best and I put all my dreams with she. I understand that I am better off without her, she is not an available person, me neither, because I realized that I am a codependent person and I want to fix my own problems before to jump in other relationship. I’m still sad and sometimes cry, I’m also scared that she comes back and I don’t know if I’m enough strong but I hope that I will make it. Now I’m planning my travel to US to improve my English and the next year I hope I will be in grad-school there. I’m a good student and I will find a good place to study but now I make my dreams for myself.

    Virtual hugs to you all specially for the people that are passing through these horrible break-ups, we will make it but we must to be strong and we don’t need rejecter people, we deserve better people in our lives.

    (PD. I’m sorry if my English is not so good and for this long text.)

    • hopingforhappy says:

      @caa12 I feel for you. I don’t think I will ever stop loving her. We really did have a special connection. I do believe that. The connection was almost immediate from the moment I met her. She was and is a very special person to me, but I wasn’t the same sort of special to her, I guess.

      We didn’t really fight too much. But otherwise, it seems like our relationships were similar. I was an amazing partner to her. I showered her with unconditional love, affection, and patience. I was there for her whenever she needed me, and promised that I would do whatever it was in my power to be closer to her, that I was working towards bridging that gap. I believed that she was beautiful and wonderful, and told her often, but she too felt worthless. She had a few mental illnesses, and I supported her through the worst of times. I gave up too much of myself for her, but I thought that was what love was about. I wanted to be with her forever and I would do anything to make it happen, because I really felt amazing when I was with her. My life was good without her in it, but it was better with her there, and I would have done anything to keep her there. She was unwilling to do what was necessary to keep me in her life, though. And that hurts.

      I don’t have any good words of advice, because I’m still hurting deeply and still trying to figure everything out and heal myself and become a better person. But I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone. I gave everything I had to my girl, and she threw it back. I guess that’s the risk we take when we open our hearts completely to someone.

      • caa12 says:

        Hopingforhappy I feel your pain too. In the begging, I felt so stupid for being part in my story I thought I was the only person in the world that had pass through this, but I read your story and many here that made me realize how I’m not alone. Your story is very similar to mine. I think my ex’s mom influenced our break up, even my ex didn’t’ hide our relationship her mom were hiding it all the time, when the people asked about her daughter, she said “ohh she’s traveling with her friends”, also she used to say to her “having a rich boyfriend sounds good, having a boyfriend here is better”. So she didn’t accept me.

        The important thing here is no matter what they say, how they love us, how much supporting they could be, in the moment when they made their final choice and we are not part of their plans, it doesn’t seem like true love, at least for me. As you said ‘if she wanted you around, she would have tried to keep you around’. When somebody loves you really loves you, he/she accepts who you are and is not afraid to show you to the world neither to fight to maintain the relationship.

        We are good people, good loving partners and I know that one day we will find a person who really values us, try to keep you out of her blog, it’s hard but it’s the best choice if you want to heal and as Susan says: keep in mind that now the most important person in your life is you!

        • hopingforhappy says:

          @caa12 Thanks. I am trying really hard to feel better and I know in order to do that, I have to stay away from the blog, not matter how hard it is. You’re right. If she wanted me around, she would have fought for me, but she didn’t. It’s hard to face that I wasn’t as important to her as she was to me, especially when so many things were said about marriage and having a family and being together for the rest of our lives. I am not the type to even plan for the future like that, but she would start talking about it, and it is what I wanted. So we did talk about the future. And then turns out, it’s not really a thing she wanted. I just wish people would be more careful about their words and promises. I don’t make promises or say things I don’t mean. It’s going to be hard to trust someone else, that what they say is really true, after all this.

  9. hopingforhappy says:

    I haven’t spoken to my ex in over a month and a half, but I have been failing at no contact because I keep checking her blog. Really, the only reason I ‘m not talking to her is because she won’t talk to me. And I respect that. But if she would talk to me, I would probably be breaking that rule, too. We aren’t friends on Facebook, I don’t follow her on Twitter or Instagram. Her blog is the only line I have to her. I’ve gone 24 hours without checking it, so I guess I get a white chip, but it’s hard, and I have to fight the urge to check almost every minute, it feels like.

    The thing is, she didn’t treat me poorly. We had a good relationship. We were both happy together. We communicated well. I know that I could have spent the rest of my life with her and been happy, and she felt the same. But her parents despise me, for various reasons but it all boils down to them wanting to control her and me getting in the way of that. And at the moment, she feels like she can’t make it financially without them, as they are supporting her. But also, I don’t think she is willing to lose them emotionally either, and they have threatened to disown her if she continues to see me. We had to keep our relationship a secret for three years because of this – and that isn’t fair or healthy, and I know that. But we kept thinking ‘when this time comes, she’ll break free of her parents’ and it never happened. Having to be long distance, due to her being in school and my job being not near her, didn’t help. She told me she thought we were soul mates. She told me that she wanted to marry me, have a family with me. She told me I was worth fighting for. And then I wasn’t.

    In fact, the way she broke up with me was so disrespectful. We were literally celebrating our anniversary (via Skype). She told me she loved me so much. Her parents called her fighting, yelling at her that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. And then that was it. She didn’t talk to me anymore. I had to approach her, ask her what was going on. She just said she couldn’t do it anymore. No goodbye. I wouldn’t have probably even heard anything if I hadn’t asked. So you say you love someone so much, and then don’t talk to them anymore the very next day? That doesn’t feel like love to me. Parents or not, that’s not how you treat someone you care about, at least in my opinion.

    In the end, I know that I deserve more than someone who would insist on keeping me a secret, who wasn’t willing to fight for me the way I have fought for her, who doesn’t want me in her life. Who won’t work to keep me there. I know that things were good, but also that they weren’t, that I was hurt many times by her putting many things before me, always. I was hurt many times by her wishy washiness. I let her take my power away. I would have done anything for her. I did do anything for her. And I shouldn’t have. I should have had more dignity. But I was so in love, and still am.

    At the same time, she was my best friend. She was my best friend before we entered into a relationship, and losing that is harder than losing the relationship. I do know that some part of her cares about me. I guess she just didn’t care about me as much as I cared about her. I try to tell myself ‘if she wanted you around, she would have tried to keep you around’ but it feels like I’m just lying to myself. I try to blame her parents, but it’s not all them. She played a part in this. She is not a perfect saint. She is old enough to make her own choices and stand on her own two feet. She can say it was her parents, but they are still also an excuse.

    I treated her well. I was good to her. I gave her all I had, and she didn’t give it back. I deserve someone who would give everything that I gave back to me. Why do I want her, though? When she didn’t? I am so tired of feeling like this.

    Anyways, checking her blog doesn’t help me. It just makes me feel worse. And I know I need to stop. I have to let her go, move on, and find happiness without her in my life. It was really nice to have her in my life for a while. But that part of my life is over. And I have to work to heal. So. 24 hours so far. It’s very hard. And I should have more days, since the breakup happened almost 2 months ago, but I’ve got what I’ve got, and that’s something. She was my first everything. And I miss her. She was my rock. When my world was crashing around me, she was there, supporting me. She told me she would always be there for me, but she’s not. But I will heal. Sometimes, I feel pathetic for wanting a person so badly. I was always so strong and independent, and one person shouldn’t take that from me. Then I remind myself that it’s okay to grieve and to miss her. But still, it’s hard.

  10. mchinela says:

    Havent talked to my ex since September 2012 we broke up Aug 2012 .. I give myself lots of Chips hehehe

    Last night I had nightmares I was screaming at him at the top of my lungs that he doesnt care about what happened how he left me for her, and he was giivng me an evil smile saying no I dont care.. I dont get still why I have these dreams aside from the fact that there was no closure so my brain is still trying to make some sense of something that I have accepted will never make sense.

    I think in my dream I just wanted remorse from him. I wanted to see he felt guilty. But in retrospect, he obviously really didnt feel guilty because he dumped our 7 year relationship for this girl who had always played him for a fool and soon moved her in / had a child with her.

    Then I think now that I am awake from the dream … WHAT WOULD happen if he came and told me im sorry, at this point do I care enough for it to do anything? I was talking about it with my best friend and she told me even though hes A BH he probably squirms in his pants knowing he doesnt have the cahoonies to message me ..
    without overanalzying too much , I think that the apology or feelings of remorse , are what my brain may think I need to fill the gap of no closure..But one of the most intersting and moving things I have taken from the GPYB book is sometimes theres no closure its about finding it within yourself, and you can use that in other situations in life that are non-romance related…..

    I will be kind and patient with myself. I have someone else who cherishes me and I have the strength to leave that if its no longer what I need, I have gained so much and really lost the shell of my old being which needed to go… it gets to a point where I cant blame him anymore for my hurt hes a faded factor in all of this… I need to not let my dreams control me as much :( I will try new exercises to maybe have pleasnt thoughts at night to avoid all this..

    but I am proud of myself i havent talked to that in soooo long because we played the make up braek up song and dance too often , he did me a FAVOR !!!!

  11. bluskye says:

    It has been ages since I’ve logged on. I have a gold chip two or three times over now plus change. There was a time though, can’t believe it’s almost 5 years ago now, that I would not allow myself to (notice I didn’t say I couldn’t) stay NC for even a few days at a time, even though I broke off the relationship and knew I had been in an emotionally abusive situation with someone who did not show me care and respect. Susan’s book was actually just two months old when I threw the BH out and bought it on my Kindle that same night–staying up all night crying and reading. I found her blog the next day–and that’s when I started to gather the tools to save myself.

    Sadly, though, I scoffed at most of the tools: NC? Well, certainly worth trying, but I had a real “need” to contact this guy and just “couldn’t help myself,” really–we had some kind of deep connection, no matter what (let’s push aside the fact that the “no matter what” was stuff no emotionally healthy person would put up with from another human being). Positive affirmations? Um, I’m from a tough blue-collar family–we smirk at touchy-feely stuff like that. Stop the negative self-talk? I’m a realist, not a pessimist (so what if I talk to myself like a school-yard bully?) Work on my stuff? Hey, he was the jerk, not me. (I’ll conveniently forget the part where I didn’t walk away from a bad situation soon enough even with family members, friends, and a therapist begging me to do so.)

    I clearly didn’t get it. But, I kept coming to the blog and flailing around, and doing my own thing. My “own thing” happened to be continuously allowing the BH to show up at random, sleep with me, brag about how much better his new girlfriend (now wife) was than me, other than in bed, and then disappear on me, leaving me to cry for days for days and endlessly obsess over him. Rinse. Repeat.

    Luckily–oh so very luckily–I got tough love here. Lots and lots and lots of tough love. I left several times in an angry huff over the toughness of it, in fact. But, there was this part of me (and then it was such a tiny, tiny part of me) that so much wanted me to get my act together, get emotionally healthy, gain some dignity and self-respect. And that part of me kept me coming back to this place, no matter how angry I got here. And the day came — I wish I could remember the day — that I realized–truly, truly realized–that I could not trust my own instincts when it came to the BH–they had steered me so far off the course of an emotionally healthy life. I let go of my ego and I started to follow the advice in the book and on the blog, even the advice I scoffed at.

    It has been a very, very long journey. I gave up obsessing over the BH. I gave up relationships–having not chosen so wisely before, I didn’t miss that much, after the initial knee-jerk yearning for one went away. I gave up sex–I’m a Scorpio, that stung me to the core to give up sex. I didn’t think it was possible but I made a celibacy pact with myself for a year–which somehow turned into nearly three. I filled all the lovely free space I had from not having relationships or sex with learning how to curb negative self-talk, stop obsessive thoughts, say positive affirmations, restore a realistic sense of self-esteem, and deal with my other issues that led me to choose an emotionally abusive relationship. In short, I slowly, slowly, slowly became a person who lived (and lives) this mantra: Happy (it’s an attitude not a destination), healthy, dignified, vibrant, strong.

    I also learned to be alone, to stand alone, and be okay with it. I finally learned that. I came to accept that being alone is a lot, lot better than being in an emotionally unhealthy life with someone else. It’s a lot, lot better than accepting scraps or being stepped on. It’s better than being with someone who cares about you and shows it, but expects, in return, for you to quash some of the aspects of your personality that make you vitally you—just to please them (such as pre-BH relationship was). It’s better than putting up with nonsense you wouldn’t put up with in a friend, just to have someone in your bed. It’s better than having a sort-of relationship with someone who is sort-of into you or you’re just sort of into, too. It’s better than any alternative other than a relationship where you are valued, loved, treated with care and respect, accepted for who you are, and able and freely willing to feel/do the same in return.

    Here is where I will share what was never the point of my journey, but has been a happy consequence of doing all this work on myself: When I no longer was desperate for a relationship—any relationship—or looking for someone else to make me feel happy and whole—a friend of mine, one I had been talking to off and on for 12 years, but had fallen out of touch with, happened to contact me last year to see if I had survived a devastating weather event, and we picked up our friendship again.
    My friend noticed how much I had changed and liked it. I started to see him differently, too. We had always had a tremendous amount in common; always made each other laugh; always genuinely just liked being around each other and had an easy, teasing way with each other. Yet, I never felt it could turn into a relationship, because I mistook his emotional stability and emotional health and (now refreshing to me) refusal to put up with or create drama, as an indicator that he was somehow not passionate/sexy and that we did not have a spark. I thought I had no control over who I was attracted to—I was always attracted to the biggest egomaniac in the room, or the most emotionally cold—no one I would ever pal around with, but I didn’t think that mattered much in matters of the heart. Now my standards are different—I will let no man into my bed and/or life that is not worthy of being my friend, and that I don’t genuinely like as a person, period—whether my heart starts thumping at the sight of him, or not.

    When my beliefs/standards changed, my feelings slowly changed, too. I don’t find egomaniacs or emotionally withholding/cold men or narcissists sexually attractive any longer. I just don’t. I know what’s underneath all that and I’m not going there.

    My friend though—my true friend, who I have so much in common with, who I laugh with, who I like and admire and who likes and admires me, even though we grumble about our different quirks now and then? Yeah, it turns out, I find him appealing on more levels than I even knew you could find someone to be appealing. He happens to, happily, feel the same about me. We get each other and we support each other. I feel like screaming “duh!” for not knowing this is what a relationship is supposed to be like, for ever settling for less than this, and for ever pining for someone who gave me crumbs. Like Susan says, though, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. Luckily, I now know and I’ve benefitted from that hard-earned knowledge. Not just in finding this fantastic relationship—that was a happy event, but never the point—but in finding how to be happy and healthy with just me.

    I never, never would have gotten where I am if I had not committed to NC—no excuses, no exceptions. It gives you the space you need to breathe, reflect, heal and change what you need to change.

    • marguerite says:

      Wow, Blu! I love your post and couldn’t have said it all any better. I’ve been on this blog off and on since 2010 and it took until last year to finally stop all the crap and move forward. It was great to hear from you and I wish you lots of happiness!!

  12. just_hurting says:

    I am so confused today! I miss him, but I don’t. I want him, but I don’t. I love him and I hate him. All at the same time. It is a horrible confusing feeling. Why can’t I just hate him and not miss him? I don’t understand how I am feeling two polar opposite feelings at the same time. Am I alone? Is there anyone else who has or does feel the same way?

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      You don’t love him…it’s love addiction. it doesn’t matter how you feel…it matters what IS and what IS is that he is a horrible person who has hurt you terribly. That’s all y0u need to know. You miss having someone in your life and the more horrible, the better because it keeps your mind off your pain deep down. STOP FOCUSING ON HIM – how you feel about him etc etc etc…FOCUS ON YOU and healing and getting better. So long as you’re asking these questions you are NOT moving forward. Forget about it and worry about YOU. How can you continue to think about him and keep abandoning yourself? THAT is the QUESTION.

      • just_hurting says:

        I didn’t look at it that way, and it does make sense. Thank you so much. I just feel so frustrated with myself…

        • scubasteve says:

          Focus on whatever makes you happy.. My Harley I bought in October.. she made me feel so guilty about it.. I nicknamed it the motorcycle of guilt..

          Since.. it is not the motorcycle of pride and I ride the hell out of it.. I have done 3000 miles since April..

          One of her last abusive rants at me.. buying that motorcycle was the most stupid thing you have ever done.. why would you do something so stupid.. Why didn’t you think of me when you bought it and that I wouldn’t approve of it?? When you saw my reaction to it why wouldn’t you just bring it back?? And you modified it…. doesn’t that reduce its value??

          Now when I am on the open road, I roll the throttle and just hear the purr of the vtwin rumble.. and her calling me stupid.. just disappears.. I always wanted a Harley..

          I am getting a custom made part for bike and its going to be etched.. Moral Fiber…

          • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

            I’m hoping to get a new Harley this year. I have to remember my last one’s name. I can’t believe I forgot it! Naming a Harley is sah-weet!!!

    • brokenheart813 says:

      You aren’t the only one that feels that way. Sometimes I have waves that hit me where I feel like my heart is in my stomach and I can’t breathe, especially when something pops in my head like a song or a memory or something he said to me. It’s unfortunate that people can be so rude and cruel. I read these in another book the other day (I apparently have turned to a million books for help!) and they really help me when I am feeling down:

      “No matter how much “proof” you have that your love was stolen, it makes no difference. He left. Don’t be a chicken. Woman-up. If you are angry, the person to go toe-to-toe with is yourself. Fight for your own heart and don’t let it be squashed by anyone: not her, not him, not yourself”

      “Stop thinking about what he did and start thinking about what you are going to do to get whole and healthy.”

      “Everytime you catch yourself thinking, “he is such a jerk and I will make him pay”, STOP. Take a big mental magic marker and X that baby out. Instead, turn your mind to your own behavior, needs, and future.”

      ” No matter hhow difficult, it is far better to give up a relationship in which you can be summoned than stick around and hope for the best.”

      “When something comes to mind like “He was the only one for me”, look me in the eye and say, “I have no way of knowing if this is really true.”

      “What you are missing is not him. What you are missing is the super powerful and utterly genuine thrill of intimacy. It is something to be longed for, cherished, and grieved when it is lost. You are missing the sacred connection you sensed with him. The moment you feel the possibility of this connection with another, the person you now miss will disappear entirely from your consciousness.”

      “Right now you are engaged in the only battle that matters: to keep your heart tender, soft, and alive, no matter what.”

      “Suffering doesn’t prove you are important. What it does prove is you would rather feel like “someone” who is miserable than be a “no one” who is free and quietly happy.”

      “Suffering doesn’t prove someone else is wrong. What it does prove is you will go to any lengths, including self-destruction, to prove that you are right.”

      “If life knocks you flat on your back, open your eyes…above you are the stars.”

      Maybe this will help a little!

      • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

        That area is called your grief spot. You know you’re grieving when sometimes you breathe in and hit hurts and you didn’t realize it until it does.

  13. just_hurting says:

    broken, I am so glad to see you!! I hope you are doing better. Thank you for the quotes. They are very helpful. I am just so angry and hateful, and I was never like that before. I hope it passes soon. I want to be ambivilant towards him. I don’t want to feel anything for him, but right now, I want to hurt him as bad as her hurt me. I feel vengeful. I want to hurt him, and hurt him badly. I know that will eventually pass, but it took me so long to get angry at him, that now that I am, it is like I am trying to hold on to the anger, but I need to keep remembering the amount of energy I am expending on this schmuck…

    • brokenheart813 says:

      Hi Just_hurting! I have been through all the stages of loss and go back and forth between all of them often. Susan says I am hitting my grief spot and that actually makes me feel good because I am going through the pain and not around it. It doesn’t matter what he is doing, but I know he is out there not dealing with the hurt and keeping busy so he can hide his feelings of what a jerk he’s been. He is a bartender so he is living the night life day in and day out and has plenty of people to talk to and keep him busy.

      I honestly don’t know how he can sleep at night with how he has treated me, but it’s because he made himself not care and not think about it. He always skirts around pain and emotions…one time his dad made him mad and he didn’t talk to him for three years. I helped foster their re-connection. But if he doesn’t go through his feelings, he will end up in the same spot over and over again. It’s good to go through the feelings and get them out so you can heal and move on. If you let go a little, you will have a little peace, if you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace. One thing I always have done with him is put him on a pedastal and that does more harm than good because it is easier to let go of a human than a hero.

  14. brokenheart813 says:

    Today is a tough morning…I had a dream that he saw me and he said he missed me and he gave me a kiss and wouldn’t let go. My dreams have been hurting me a lot lately as they stir up so many emotions. I have some when he completely is a jerk in them and some where he says he loves me. This is when I remember the good times and the things I love about him and get back into sad mode and think I can’t do this. How do you move in when he’s still in your dreams? I feel like I can’t get a break…I not only think about him when I’m awake but when I’m sleeping too.

    • hopingforhappy says:

      Dreaming is the worst. I don’t know how to keep her out of my dreams. Sometimes the dreams are good, sometimes they are her doing things that break my heart even more. I am thankful for the nights when I don’t dream or when I don’t dream about her.

      • just_hurting says:

        I hate the dreaming, too. In the begining, they were desperate dreams of us being together. Now, though, my dreams about him, when they do happen, which is significantly less than before (it was nightly, but now is only a couple times a week), they are angry and filled with hate. Not me hurting him or anything like that, but leering, angry. Usually I am waking up thinking I can’t stand him or don’t want to be friends with him. They are so angry. I am in a pretty angry phase, and have been for about a week. I only seem to be getting pangs of missing him as opposed to constantly missing him. I hate the anger I am feeling towards him, but on the other hand I hate the wondering what he is doing or if he misses me, also. I think I will take the anger over the missing any day, but I am waiting for the day I am ambivilant. I feel like I need to ask him to send me money for rent for occupying so much time in my head, but it is less than it was before. A lot less, so that is progress.

  15. just_hurting says:

    It helps to hear about the grief spot. In the begining, I was constantly in pain. At one point, after the initial shock and disbelief, I couldn’t breathe, cry, eat or sleep. I was barely taking care of my daughter and her needs. I barely got off the couch and was so exhausted I could barely function, but couldn’t sleep, either. It was like all I could do was hurt. Not only because of the shock that I was being rejected (My thoughts were, “how could he reject me, I loved him, I loved his children, his family, his friends. I did everything to make him my world! That is what he wanted!”), but also because I came to the realization from friends and family that I was being abused. I actually think the realization of the abuse was worse than the rejection for me. More painful, because I felt foolish that I actually let another person treat me that way, I felt guilty because I let it happen, and also because when I pointed out to him he was abusive, he turned it around that it was me that was the abusive person (this is when I started therapy, because I was all messed up and confused), I felt guilt about exposing my child to this person, and I was worried sick about his own children, whom I had come to love like my own (I had to realize it is their mother’s responsibility to protect them, not mine). How could I let that happen? How could I become so involved and in love with an abusive person? How could I have missed it (it was because it was so subtle. If he had hit me, that would have been different.) Why was I still madly in love with this person to the point it was consuming me? I didn’t get my GPYB book until almost a month in, so I was on my own. The last month of therapy has helped me tremendously realize not only the nature of the relationship, but also the family situation that actually led to the relationships I have. I never even realized that my young years actually shapped the relationships I have now, and I studied psychology in college and have been to different therapists since my late teens, so you would think it would click. I think one of the hardest things for me to realize in my therapy was that my biological parents abandoned me. They were physically there, but not emotionally. Now when I think about the ex, and it is a lot less frequent, but some days are worse than others, I have moments where I would like to punch him in the face, and other times where it still hurts to breathe. It is not the dibilitating hurt it was in the begining, but it is still painful. Even though I wish I could erase the memory of this guy and my time with him, I am realizing the personal growth that has come out of it through my therapy and my GPYB book has grown drastically, and I see it is continuing to grow by leaps and bounds. I am realizing things about myself and my life that I never realized. I am really looking at myself and seeing myself. That is painful also, but in different ways. I am so hellbent on healing and being a whole, happy person. I never really knew I wasn’t, and now that I do know, I have the tools to do it.

  16. callie35 says:

    Tomorrow marks 8 months NC. So I believe I earn a purple chip. He’s contacted me 3 times as well as sent an instagram friend request and I contacted him once not evening thinking about it as my first nephew was being born and I wanted to share it with him. As I sit here and type this – I’ve come a long way, but its sad to me to write out I’ve been NC for 8 months. When I went NC I didn’t think I could do it nor did I really want to live my life without him in it. BUT I had too. BH and I were friends for 2 years and were attached at the hip. I started friends with benefits with him as he was pursuing me physically. I should have never done this but it is what I wanted to do at the time and it was fun and hot! Eventually I started having feelings for him and since I was already being physical with him that clouded all his red flags for me and I just began betting on potential and make excuses for him. I wanted to be with him. I also thought that maybe the sex would help him realize that we should be together but I have now learned that doesn’t work! Ha When I met him – he wanted to be with a woman who was with one of his friends for 10 years and he was having an affair with her. Since his divorce I am not sure he ever had had a relationship. He mostly just had sex and was the other man. Knowing all this I still thought ‘oh he will be different with me or I can change this or he will see that we are good together.’ We considered each other our best friends and in my mind I wanted to marry my best friend. He always confused me …. and I always held on even though I was always hurt. I finally decided to start dating and was dating a man for about 3 months. I didn’t tell my BH for awhile but had posted a picture of this man making me homemade pasta on facebook. This immediately prompted BH to get jealous, and start to feel like I had felt all the months I wanted to be with him but he wanted to be with someone else or so he said. He asked me if he saw this going somewhere and I said yes and he started pursuing me big time with his words. Saying that he finally realized how much he needed me, leaving cute messages pertaining to movies and how the guy in the movie figured how he wanted so and so and that was us. Blah blah blah. I didn’t make a decision right away. I Kept asking him ‘are you sure you just don’t want what you can’t have?’. I decided to give him a chance…and this was his second chance as we dated for maybe a month and a half a year or so earlier. I thought this time maybe he was ready and that we were going to get married. But he started managing down my expectations saying that he wasn’t a romantic guy, that our relationship would mostly be like our friendship had been (since we were fwb) but maybe with more lovey dovey moments. He also said that we were essentially in a 2 year relationship anyway. I told him that wasn’t fair as he wanted to be with someone else most of that time. We were together for 7 months and when he broke up with me he told me that we would have a happy life but something was missing and that he hoped I could see that he was doing this for me in the future. He also told me that a few days earlier I was seeking physical attention and he had no desire to give it. I think for most people this is normal – there were times when he wanted to be physical and I didn’t but I could always get there. But a constant theme with him was that he wants passion all the time. One time he said to me that he felt like everytime he looked at me he should feel like he wants to kiss me and when having a conversation about our relationship he said something about not being sure what he wants….should he find someone who he wants to bang all the time or …. I can’t remember the whole convo but I do remember him saying that. He also would tell me that I have 90% of what he wants – but he decided that the 10% was more important. He thinks love should be like the movies and that is hard to live up too. We broke up in May 2013 and we were only apart for a month before he started asking me to meet for a movie. And he wouldn’t stop. He kept saying ‘its just a movie…its not like we are sitting on one of our couches etc…’ I kept saying no but finally gave in. After that we started hanging out again and fell back into fwb. It was always easier to have sex with as friends then in a relationship. About 3 months after we broke up – it was his birthday and I made a sexual birthday joke and he said I should probably tell you I am talking to someone new, its not serious. This new person was recently separated. I was mad. He had just initiated sex 3 days prior. I asked him why was it ok to initiate sex 3 days earlier when he knew this…he said ‘I know that she is really into me and already deactivated her online profile for me so I thought I should be good.’ I was so hurt. He knew I still had feelings for him and of course I was being stupid and still engaging with him but I thought at least he would try to soften the blow for someone he considered his best friend. I didn’t handle this information well. So the next day (the day after his bday) I told him that I had to rip the band aid once and for all and couldn’t be his friend. I sat in my office bawling. I cried for days. I remember sitting in my hallway at my house crying so hard that I couldn’t catch my breathe and felt like my heart had been ripped out. I was addicted. I was addicted to him and to the sex. He was available for 2.5 years…for whatever I wanted well except for being emotionally available. I found Baggage Reclaim and this website and have learned a great deal about who my ex truly is. He is an emotionally unavailable man who is selfish and only cares about what he wants in the moment. The fact that he was okay starting something with someone who was recently separated says a lot. I believe that desire is created for him by the risk of someone truly not being his. He only pursued me big time when he was about to lose his foothold in my life. The woman before me that he wanted to be with was truly never his as he was the other man and now he’s with someone who I still am sure isn’t divorced and sounds like a mess. I don’t know a lot about her but what I do know it sounds like he’s dating himself. I was told about a month and half ago that they are already planning on moving in together – it doesn’t surprise me as he moves fast, she probably can’t be alone and he lives with his mom and wants out. I received the instagram request around this time and thought that was disrespectful as he’s planning on moving in with his gf but is still seeking me out on social media. He has no boundaries. He contacted me in january to let me know his relationship was coming to end and if I was ready to be friends seeing as that is why we stopped talking because he was seeing someone. I was like REALLY???? I did respond and told him a few other reasons why we stopped talking. I then contacted him about a week later without thinking telling him about my nephew’s birth. He told me that they had gotten back together. She had had things to work out in her head and had in a week. Yea right….I started dating and have been on 3 dates with a good guy. But I decided last night after our 3rd date that I don’t feel anything. He is very interested and I don’t want to lead him so am going to tell him that I don’t want to continue dating. Dating is hard! I am not sure I am 100% ready to date but I thought I would see what was out there and have some fun. I still carry some lingering feelings and sadness and sometimes wish I could contact him to just go see a movie like we did every sunday or just to tell him something that he would only get. So for those of you struggling, it gets better. Its hard but you have to do the work. You have to put yourself first and realize that NC is so you can get better, break the addiction and realize your self worth.

  17. marguerite says:

    I’m posting today to get my GOLD chip as of April 25th!!!! I never responded to his last email that basically said he was confused, unhappy and still had feelings for his girlfriend #2.
    I still think about him but not with any pain. It is like an old memory and only comes when I am lonely or bored.
    I feel free from the “curse” of longing for him….and for the first time in my life, I am navigating the future without the crutch of hanging on to a man…Yahooo!!!
    For all of you that doubt NC, I can tell you that it works. Stick to it like a doctor’s prescription and you will start to feel better even if it takes a year!!
    Good luck to all…hugs,

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