8/19 Check in Thread

How is everyone doing?

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41 Responses to 8/19 Check in Thread

  1. Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

    Hi all: the blog was down for many days and the bottom line is that it’s going to go away as I’ve been working to develop a new blog which is expensive but even this blog is very expensive to run and I’m not seeing a lot of participation. If there isn’t any participation, I’m going to have to shut it down. This is YOUR blog and I invite you to participate. If there is something you’d like to see, please let me know.

  2. hopingforhappy says:

    I’m doing better. I can’t say that I don’t think about her at all. In fact, I still think about her every day, multiple times a day, and I still miss her. But I’m feeling happier, most of the time. There are days where I am sad, and there are moments in most days where I feel sad for some period of time, but I also do feel joy, as well. I think I am healing. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still wish she’d come back, but there are also moments when I see that she didn’t treat me well enough, that I was completely devoted and loving towards her, and that I was an option most of the time to her, and that I deserve someone who loves me and wants me just as much as I want them. it’s back and forth, but I think there has been improvement.

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      It is a process that sometimes takes longer than we like. Keep affirming that you want to be with someone who wants to be with you! You can do this!

  3. callie35 says:

    I am doing pretty good. I’ve been lonely lately and wish I had someone constant in my life. But not just anybody. At this point in my life the person who I choose to spend most of my time with in the future has to be worthwhile, someone who adores me and makes me want to be a better person and compliments my life. I look back on my relationship with my ex and I never felt that. If anything I picked up some bad habits from him. It will be a year in September since we went NC with him contacting me a few times and an indiscretion that I don’t to get go into details about. There are days where I miss him or at least the idea of him….regardless of him being a selfish person, he was my buddy before anything romantic. We did everything together….and even after all this time I still feel a loss its just not as prominent as it used to be. He has someone constantly and that bothers me that i don’t. I know that their relationship isn’t a healthy one but it bothers me that he moved on so fast with someone so unavailable. She was only separated for a few months when they started dating, now they live together. But as susan says ‘water seeks its own level right?’ haha

    On sunday the movie father of the bride was on…he loves that movie and I immediately thought of him. I had a brief thought of texting him to tell him but I didn’t. I think about him everyday and wish I didn’t. Anyway – I realize that these feelings/thoughts will probably be around for awhile as he was a huge part of my life for almost 3 years. Sometimes I wish we could try to be friends but I still carry around some hurt. I think its mostly my pride that is still bruised.

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      I think the “missing the idea of him” is hitting the nail on the head. You were GREAT to not text him! Give yourself credit for that!

  4. britbeetle says:

    Hello suzan

  5. incredible_lukeness says:

    Hi Susan: one year no contact. You may remember me as the guy who got HIV beFore I finally figured it out and broke it off. Your book was the only process that worked for me. I got a therapist who would work with me and over the course of three months til I completed the relationship inventory. For the third time.. My virus is undetectable do I should live a long full life. I finally have my life back. I’m happy, date some, biut really enjoy my single life. Thank you very much for all you have done for me. My sister us the one who told me about the blog and book. Your new readers should keep in mind you need to be patient. Nothing will get better until you go “no contact.” Block everything. Get into yourself! You are worth it. Remember you are going to be going through a withdrawal similar or worse than a drug addition. All the best. Luke.

  6. ithope says:

    Hello Everyone! I’m doing pretty good right now.
    Someone asked me out and it took me something like 2 weeks before giving him a chance, i wanted time for thinking about it, if i was ready or not and in the end i went on a date. Now we are seeing each other almost everyday and he give me the space i missed and i’m taking the whole thing really calm.

    My ex bf asks common friends how i am doing and what i am doing all the time, so i asked our friends to please don’t tell me nothing about him.

    Since i stopped bothering myself about my ex and i just took everyday as it comes everything got better. I do everyday a little small thing for myself (like a long hot shower, a cake, or manicure and so on). I love myself more than anyone else and it feels GREAT!! I have to admit that I still feel a little iced and a little bit emotion-less, i hope it will go away soon.

    Thank you Susan! I own you all my happiness!!

  7. caa12 says:

    I’m doing well. Four months of NC, There are still sad times but I’m healing. Susan’s book and this blog have been very useful in the process. I’m not an active writer but I’m following many posts and stories here. Realize that I’m not the only person that suffer in this way help me to understand my own breakup.

    I’m really learning to love myself, care myself, be the first person in my life. I’m working on my goals and I feel very focused without her and the problems around the relationship. Something very important that came after breakup is that I’m discovering my spirituality, I’m doing meditation and reading about Buddhism, learning about the attachment and how it can hurt you.

    During my job I was in a nice place, there, I did the letting go ritual and I believe I forgave her, but I’m still afraid of her, I don’t know what would happen if she tries to contact me, maybe I might ignore her or try to face her. I’m not sure of be friends but I wouldn’t like to live with this fear.

    Anyway, Now I don’t want to be in a relationship. I will spend my energy on the people who really cares about me and myself.

    Thank you Susan and bloggers

  8. Sorrow says:

    It’s been almost 5 months since my break up. I have waves where I make progress but then I’ll wake up one day and feel like I’m starting from the beginning again. I can’t let go of the anger, the feeling like he gets to treat me like shit and I have to pay for it, like there are no consequences for his actions. Despite my anger I miss him and I have a hard time understanding that after all the terrible ways he treated me. I dread the thought of possibly running into him and the OW and how that will feel or what my reaction will be.
    I feel like picking everything up and moving and I almost have but fear that I would just be running away from my problems.

    • ithope says:

      I was keeping on telling myself that it was my fault, i was so angry at myself that sometimes i couldn’t even sleep at night because i felt guilty.
      Time and healing process showed me that it was not all my fault and i just started to let go…living everyday as it comes, don’t ask yourself questions which has no answer (as Susan’s book said), love yourself to the max…none can love you as much as you love yourself.

      keep going!! you can do it!

    • hopingforhappy says:

      Hi Sorrow. I’m also almost 5 months in. 5 months officially on the 28. I still feel a lot of anger and I still miss them, and even know logically I know I deserved so much better, I can’t convince my heart of that. I would hate to run into my ex right now. I don’t ever want to run into her ever. And I do fear running into her and it is not an unwarranted fear. I may be moving back home soon, and I know she hopes to move back to the same state to get her PhD, and in that case, we could very well be running in the same circles. I, as a professional, potentially training her cohort while she is in school. If I walked into a room and she was sitting there…Maybe in a year, when that would happen, I’ll be more okay, but if it happened tomorrow, I’d be incredibly shaken. I don’t have much advice, but I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone.

      • Sorrow says:

        Thank you ithope and hoppingforhappy for your words and letting me know I am not alone. It means a lot to me.

  9. JBGirl JBGirl says:

    It’s been two weeks of non personal NC as we are co workers. He has asked “how are you” and asked about a few things I’ve done on FB – to which I have ignored and not replied. I’ve kept it strictly business. I’ve been using the tools in the book to journal, have a good cry now and again, and when my head is spinning with thoughts of him I decidedly focus on me. What can I do to increase my love for me? I will soon try the rubber band on the wrist technique. If thoughts of him continue.

    • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

      Do the affirmations and self-care. It’s not going to happen in 2 weeks but it’s not going to happen at all if you don’t do that.

  10. mchinela says:

    Hello,
    I am doing good , I dont know when it happened but I finally fully got to the other side where the break up no longer causes me pain …and I am glad I got out of it .. and most importantly I fully 100% accept that i would and will never get closure from him and im ok with that ! :) nowadays my life is school and figuring out my career and work and having fun .. I have been with someone else for 8 months and now with everything I have learned I will know when to pull the plug and it wont feel like the world is ending this time.. like last time.. last time the break up was painful but now through healing and self discovery, I knwo I will be ok whatever life throws my way………..
    healing is power !!!!!!!!!! you shed your old you and gain a new persona………….
    i have not talked to the BH in 2 years :)

  11. cub1985 cub1985 says:

    Its been hard for me since I’m recently single again. Its been some time since I’ve posted on here because the last BH that brought me here was about five years ago. I thought I had learned so much from that relationship but this new one seemed to bring up a lot of the same old things. The most recent relationship ended because he got a new job as a Resident Assistant and started up school again. He claimed he had too much going on and was too busy to devote any time to me or the relationship. The last time we communicated he said that he missed me and cared about me, was depressed since we have been broken up (still cries himself to sleep at nights) BUT that he still wouldn’t have the time to give me that I deserved and that he “wanted” to give and it wasn’t fair to me or to him. I really don’t get that and its hard not to analyze it all, if you claim to care that much and hurt that much about us not being together: DO SOMETHING. I feel that if someone truly cares they will make it work no matter what obstacles come up. I was the one who wanted to make it work but he didn’t want to fight for us. The last text I sent him said that I wanted to fight for us and make it work. That that is what I wanted but I can’t make him want that. I told him that I hoped he wasn’t walking away because he thought I didn’t care or didn’t want to work on things (we had gotten into an argument shortly before he found out about this new job and I told him I needed time to think about what I needed). The text went ignored and I have been NC since then. It has been a slow realization that, ultimately, he just DID NOT care that much, or enough to make it work. That is very painful to accept. I’ve been NC, already deleted from fb and make myself not look at any of his accounts or profiles. I’ve been trying to stay active. I’ve been struggling with the pain of this because it is very similar to the last person I thought was the one: I wanted it to work and they weren’t putting forth the effort. I feel like I keep running into that situation and I’m tired of being on the side of caring but getting no effort in return. I am having fears of never meeting someone who will genuinely want to work as hard as me and fight to be in a relationship as I will.

    • hopingforhappy says:

      My ex was the same. I loved them with my whole heart, and we had a good thing going. I fought for our relationship a lot. But they weren’t willing to fight for us. They walked away, and it completely broke me. I’ve had to realize that they didn’t love me the way I loved them, and that I really do deserve someone who does love me. That would fight for us. I am also afraid that I may never find someone, but I am trying to stay focused in the present. I wasn’t looking for her when I found her. And when we were together, things were really good. Maybe I will find someone else in the same fashion. I don’t know at this point. But we have to stay in the present.

  12. hopingforhappy says:

    I was doing pretty well, as you can see by my post above. Not 100%, but feeling honestly and truly better most of the time. Then my friend, trying to be supportive, asked how I was doing with my ex being in a new relationship. I did not know she was in a new relationship. I think I would have preferred not to know. Now I feel like I’ve gone backwards in my recovery two months. I feel sad, not hungry, lethargic. It’s been five months, so it’s not like she got with someone right away, but I’m not anywhere near ready for a relationship. And it feels like she was able to move on so easily. I wish that I could move on that fast. She’s already found someone else, and I’m still stuck pining for her, and I feel pathetic. I don’t know anything about the new relationship, other than that she is in one. I didn’t think that news would hurt as much as it did, but it does. I already knew that the relationship didn’t mean as much to her as it did to me, but this confirmation stings.

    • cub1985 cub1985 says:

      I know exactly how you feel. The first person I thought was the love of my life strung me along for two years breaking up and making up. Finally the last time we broke up for good I found out that they moved on with someone after just a few months. I was devastated but I forced myself to stay NC and refused to peek at anything that would bring them up (facebook, etc). I read Susan’s book like it was my bible and lifeline to sanity. I also went to a counselor every other week because I felt I had to be accountable for my healing process to someone. These things all really did help. The hardest part is waiting for the questions and feelings to slowly diminish. Events like this can make us feel like we have a setback and leave us reeling. But we must accept that someone is going to move on at some point whether it was you or your ex. I know exactly the pain of that realization and how it just seems unbearable at times. All we can do is embrace it and allow it to wash over us. In my journals that I kept about my first love I wrote that it all felt like a storm that was passing so slowly. At times it would seem like it was over only to start up again. One day it will pass. Like you said we DESERVE someone who will love us and do the work it takes to have a relationship.

      • mchinela says:

        cub/hoping for happy/ithope,

        I know how bad it hurts (cub everything you said I can relate to because the same thing happened to me, well we broke up and I found out it was bc he was with someone already lol) and it does feel like slow motion pain and how can we be pathetically still getting upset over them and they have someone else ALREADY?? but it is really best to just cut out the people who feel its ok to tell you stuff you dont want to hear…
        ive experienced a few of those.. like come on do you have any common sense lol certain things need to just be unsaid …

        WE MUST always keep going and it takes a lot of factors to get us to continue on but loving ourselves is above all else …

    • ithope says:

      I was basically in the situation you are and all i can suggest you is to tell your friend to stop saying anything about your ex…i asked the same to my friends and it helped a lot! Knowing what is she doing will just make your healing harder.

  13. mchinela says:

    Just realized, two years ago exactly we broke up .. two years ago today the hell storm would break loose… im still working on my life and me but I finally at full circle see that he was not positive to my life … pain and experience bring you to where you need to be.. im not obsessing about it , like susan has said we are creatures of dates and anniversaries.. its just crazy how far I have come and will continue to come .. just crazy ! and here I am getting a Masters , and finding myself …

    • wildangel5 wildangel5 says:

      I just popped in as I realized tomorrow is 2 years post break up for me. And I’m alive and well and happy and don’t miss the idiot at all. Sorry to see the lack of participation here. Even though we all were here under bad circumstances two years ago the folks here got me thru those first holidays alone. I wish I knew where everyone was and how they are.

      For those that are here now just know you will get thru it.

      • Susan J. Elliott Susan J. Elliott says:

        Thank you…yes many have told me that they don’t know where they would be without that sense of community. The new book comes out in November…if the participation here doesn’t change, I will shut down this blog and create a new one for the new book. I simply can’t afford to keeping this afloat for a few. We have THOUSANDS of readers but not many comments.

  14. ithope says:

    It happens that: right now im the boss of my ex-boyfriend!! I have no idea how to behave to him, by now im keeping it really professional even if its kinda hard. I still didn’t figure out how to set a line between complain for not results in work and just complain because he is an idiot…

  15. bananaheadfree says:

    Hi Susan, it would make me very sad if you shut down the blog, since it truly saved my life!!

    Hello, I have been following the blog for over three years and this is the first time I have ever commented. First, I wanted to say THANK YOU SUSAN FOR LITERALLY SAVING MY LIFE! Everything in the blog, book and workbook worked and helped me tremendously in my healing process and getting over my past and breakup.

    A little background, I grew up with abusive parents, mother (physically and emotionally abusive) and father (emotionally and physically unavailable) both of whom were alcoholics. Ever since I was 19 (currently 33) I was involved in a relationship and never had time to be truly single or by myself without having some sort of love interest. After my marriage ended when I was 28, things seemed to decline very rapidly in the love department. I did not grieve the ending of the three year marriage and relationship properly and within months was dating BH#1, who was physically abusive and addicted to alcohol and drugs. After I ended the relationship with BH#1, when he threatened me with my life, I found the blog. It gave me strength to leave him after being with him for over a year and a half; however, I did not follow it properly in that I did implement the No Contact rule but I was very self destructive. I started drinking heavily and using drugs on a daily basis, rather than really sitting down and “doing the work.” I did not take the hard work seriously and would only do some of the work when it was convenient for me. After the breakup, I also started dating like crazy. At the time, I thought that the only way to fix my broken holes in myself was to find someone else. I went on tons of dates even though I knew I was not ready and had no idea what I was looking for, or at the time I was looking for someone better than my ex (which is a terrible reason to date and will always result in finding someone less than a person deserves. Susan, you are right (as always), hungry people make terrible shoppers and water does seek its own level). Thereafter, I met rebound, enabling BH#2. Rebound BH#2 was completely emotionally unavailable and after two months of intensive whirl wind dating he dumped me out of the blue which resulted in me spiraling even further out of control with my alcohol and drug abuse and resulted in me getting back with BH#1 for a short period of time (I know). During this time, fortunately, I received a new job and moved. I then ended things for good with BH#1 and BH#2 and implemented no contact with both of them.

    However, when I moved and started my new job, I started dating again, not fully grieving these losses and not grieving any losses of my past. I did the same thing again, not taking the grieving work seriously, thinking that my problems with myself or emptiness with myself would be solved by a relationship, etc….Shortly thereafter, I met BH#3 (I know). I thought this was going to be it, that he was the “one” to answer all of my problems and prayers. In the beginning, I thought we were meant to be because he appeared to be so nice, caring, loving and the time we spent together felt “magical.” However, in the beginning, he too enabled my drug and alcohol use and when I finally hit my bottom with my addictions, he left me. When he left me, I was devastated. I overdosed on prescription medication (I am not sure how I survived) and almost lost my new job. It truly was my bottom but I sobered up (It has been over a year now since I have been both alcohol and drug free). Unfortunately, I took BH#3 back because I thought it was all my fault. He was very good at blaming me for everything wrong in the relationship. After that happened, our relationship became a roller coaster ride, where he would pursue me, withdraw his affections, and then I would chase after him. Our relationship was a sick and crazy dance that literally was making me sick and crazy. We were constantly breaking up and making up. I eventually broke up with him again last summer when I found out he had an inappropriate relationship with an ex, he indicated to me at this time that he would always choose his work over me and he could not give me a committed relationship that I deserved. I went no contact with him over the summer for over two months, but then I again I took him back (I know) but at that time even though I was doing more of the work, again I was not truly committed to it and started dating like crazy. When I would receive rejection after rejection from potential dates I took it personally and thought the devil I knew was better than the devil I did not know (wrong again); this was clearly a sign that NO DATING SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED ALL. He would keep contacting me during this period and I finally gave in.

    Finally, after the first of the year I ended it with him. I was tired of the game, of being in a relationship with him for over a year and a half that was dysfunctional, crazy, no future, not made to be priority, blamed for everything wrong in the relationship and having to deal with his emotional manipulation. I have the blog to thank for finally getting me to end it for good with him, implementing no contact (over seven months and going strong!!) and really this time focusing on all of my hurt from my past, grieving all of my past relationships and doing ALL of the hard work of the inventories, journaling, affirmations, letting go ceremonies and creating a life for myself.

    When it would end with these BHs, I wanted my life to be over because my entire being/life would be based on them, what I have learned through this process is that I DO MATTER AND I DESERVE TO BE HERE REGARDLESS OF ANYONE ELSE. I am a wonderful and good human being. Without Susan’s wisdom and guidance, I would not be here today, alive, happy, healthy and truly loving myself for the first time. I always think of the story about your crazy aunt who was married eight times, extreme I know, but I truly felt I was on that very same path but you showed me the path of the road less travelled and through hard work and the gift of desperation, I followed it and it has been WORTH IT. Your aunt’s story always resonated with me and I made a personal vow to myself that I would not end up that way.

    Thank you Susan, I could never thank you enough for what you mean to me and showing me the right path to healing and happiness. Everything that you talk about on the blog, the book and the workbook is true and wise. I feel so fortunate to have stumbled upon you and there have been many times that I have included you and this blog in my daily gratitude lists. I truly believe you saved my life and for that, I will be eternally thankful to you. Since doing the hard work that you suggested with taking care of me, I have learned so much about what I want from a relationship, I have been date free for close to six months (which I am loving and thriving in), I have really started to heal and grieve all of my losses and have learned how to really enjoy and make peace with the peace and the healing solitude. You are right, with silence, it shows you the things that are RIGHT WITH YOUR LIFE. I do not miss the waiting around, waiting for a response, waiting for the other shoe to drop and constantly being uneasy with BHs that could not love us truly in the first place. It is a battle that I no longer want to win over since doing the work that you suggest.

    The moral of this very long post for everyone that is struggling, please you can do this, remain no contact, work on yourself, really do the work that Susan tells you to do, make a life for yourself, do not throw your precious life away for a BH and DO NOT GIVE UP THE DAY THE MIRACLE HAPPENS. THANK YOU SUSAN, WITH MUCH GRATITUDE AND LOVE.

  16. IchooseME says:

    Susan,

    I’m writing to vent a little bit. I think I already know what you’re going to tell me but, on the off chance I’m wrong, here’s what I’m dealing with.

    Been about a year and three months since the big break up and almost a year of NC. I’m doing much better. Still cycle and recycle now and again but generally feel okay. Okay enough to start dating, as it turns out.

    I met someone great, a friend of a friend. I knew from day one there was a strong possibility that he would get a job offer out of state and move away after grad school but when he asked me out I thought it would be a good learning experience, if nothing else. (Like many GPYB readers, I had basically no experience with healthy, equitable relationships). Additionally, my therapist has been encouraging me to “live in the moment” more, so I went with it.

    I took it really slow, tried to keep it casual, and discovered that I really like him and really look forward to spending time with him. He is responsible, courteous, thoughtful, and straightforward in addition to being very sweet and affectionate. There are no games, no guessing, no BS. It is a radical change from what I was dealing with and made me hopeful about relationships for the first time in awhile.

    But, of course, he told me last night that he is definitely moving away after he graduates in May. He seemed sad and said that he hadn’t expected to meet someone like me when he originally applied for the job many months ago. Despite my efforts to keep this a casual learning experience, I’m pretty crushed.

    I have no intention of moving to the city he is moving to (I just moved from there, actually) and I’m not interested in long distance. So, do I end a perfectly good, developing relationship now, months before his actual departure, before more of an attachment is formed?

    It seems like the logical thing to do to spare myself more heartache in the long run but I’m extremely discouraged. I endured all the pain of recovery, sat with the loneliness, worked on myself/career/home/friendships etc. I did everything I was supposed to and met someone great. Why can’t it just work out? I don’t want to be alone anymore.

    Also, my therapist continues to maintain the opinion that we don’t know what could happen over the next 9 months so why not keep enjoying your time together. But that just seems like a guarantee for heartbreak at this point.

    Any thoughts?

    Thanks,
    IchooseME

    • Free.I.AM says:

      I think a lot can happen in 9 months. If you think you both are serious about true love and commitment then stay with him. After a year of serious dating, discussion of marriage is a logical step. If you love each other compromises will need to be made. You may not want to be lonely, but you will see how much you value singleness, if you break up just because he is moving. The freedom of your personal choice not to move will be overpowering. If you find though that you’ve reached a point that you want to make your lives work together and he shows himself considerate of your needs, then that is a recipe for a healthy foundation to a long life together.

  17. just_hurting says:

    Hi, all. I haven’t been on here for months. It’s been a busy summer, I’ve had some health issues, and am seeing a great new guy. I have been busy with my daughter, also. I have a question, though. The jerk and I broke up back in March, and I was devastated. It was the worst break up ever, worse than my divorce, even. The relationship was bad, he was verbally abusive and a really controlling guy. My question is, I am seeing a wonderful man who treats me like a queen, loves me genuinely and wants to take care of me (a real southern gentleman), so why do I still miss and think about a man who treated me like shit? Why would I still jump into his arms and be with him? I care so much for my new guy and adore him, but why do I still feel like the jerk is my soul mate? Why do I still love him? What the hell is the matter with me? Will I always feel this way about him? IS he my soul mate, just not who I am supposed to be with? I don’t want to feel this way about him anymore. Any in site? I have done my inventories, so I don’t understand these feelings.

    • ithope says:

      Sometimes i feel the same way you do, still don’t understand why!

    • Free.I.AM says:

      well number one, remember that you spent a long time with this person and he was very intimate in your life. That doesnt disappear. However, I think we get confused with the way a strong personality moves us emotionally and sexually. We might confuse a BH’S pseudo-strength for real manliness, which is sexy. But as you noted, your ex was a real jerk and even abusive – not sexy. So we have to remember that real strength in a real man is one of self control, kindness, emotional depth, understanding and integrity that doesn’t seem to describe your ex.
      Keep loving yourself, think of other true qualities of love. If u have a Bible read the definition of love 1 Corinthians 13. I learned here and from the Bible that we eventually make the decision to let go of what hurts. You can decide to be with some who treats you better than he treats himself. And you can decide to free your mind of anyone who does not apply true love in their actions.

  18. ithope says:

    I was out with my ex for a work dinner yesterday (there were also other people), we were alone for 10 minuts and he started to apologize for all the pain he gave me and told me that he have been thinking a lot and he things that it was all his fault for everything bad happened. I just said ok, thank you and nothing more.
    I feel deeply shacked and i didn’t expect this at all. Any advice?

    Thank all of you, as usual.

  19. DianaR says:

    Hi. Not sure if this is even active anymore. It has been awhile since I posted, but it was such a wonderful place for me, I am hoping there are still people there. If not, I guess there is therapy in the writing.

    I am officially divorced. I felt fine when that happened. Funny how you can be with someone for 20 years and after two years of doing work, be in a totally different place. I don’t hate my ex. He fell out of love with me. Somedays you want vanilla ice cream, some times you want chocolate. I know I am in a better place and deserve to be with someone who cherishes me. I know that in my head. My heart is still very wounded.

    I am constantly scared everyone in my life will stop loving me. My husband, my best friend did. If he can….maybe everyone will. I am so worried people I have had in my life for years will suddenly just stop loving me. I find myself wondering after lunch with a friend “was I funny enough? Did I listen well? Was she glad she met me for lunch?” It’s exhausting. And I used to be SOOOO confident and now I am this person I don’t even recognize…which of course fuels the “no one likes an insecure person – get it together or everyone is going top stop loving you.” thoughts.

    I hate this. I never would have thought this would have happened to me and it seems so cliche to say I have a fear of abandonment.

    Has anyone else felt this way? Any tips? I feel lonely and scared and I don’t feel like I can even talk to anyone, lest they know how horrible I am actually doing. I told one of my oldest friends I was a mess and she just said “But you are the strong and confident one” and then changed the subject. I tried a couple of other times to talk to her, telling her I was lonely and worried about this and she seemed uncomfortable. I AM usually the strong one. I don’t think she knows how to help weak me.

    I find myself wondering what is going to happen when I die? I always had a husband to take care of funeral plans (and I know it is ridiculous assuming he would even be alive when that happened, but it still felt like a plan). Now what? I don’t feel like I have anyone I can REALLY talk to that understands. ….

    So I hope there is someone there.

    (Note – this may seem horribly sad and despondent. I am sad, but not suicidal so don’t worry about that. Just lonely and sad and worried.)

    • clarys says:

      Diana,

      I’m sure a lot of us feel exactly the same way. Try to remember that not only is your heart hurting, but your mind is hurting too and has been wounded and therefore doesn’t work well when you’re going through intense emotional trauma. This is a psychic blow to your whole self, and your thinking is going to be off for awhile. Don’t let that alarm you too much. It’s normal. You’ll think all kinds of strange thoughts and have fears and anxiety you never had before. I certainly did. Try not to take them too seriously. They will pass.

      Your friends may not understand this at all and will try to dismiss your fears so that THEY feel more comfortable. No one understands this unless they’ve been through it. Sounds like you need to talk to a caring therapist who will not only understand but be able to help you through it.

      I felt abandoned when I got divorced and also when my mom died. People ARE going to die, are going to leave you, friendships will end, relationships won’t last… Learning to accept this and not let it ruin your happiness is a lifetime’s work. For me, having a sense of unity with God helps me feel like I am never alone. Also, affirmations like “whatever happens, I will be ok” have been enormously helpful. Sending hugs and wishing you the best!

    • caa12 says:

      Hi Diana
      In some way I was in that situation. After the breakup I felt like I couldn’t trust people anymore, how to believe in words that suddenly can change, one day they said “I love you” and the next day said ”hey I’m tired, bye”. But I learned that we cannot consider how people will behave based on what did one person, everybody is different and you will find a person who really value you. Love yourself more than anything and then people will love you and don’t be so hard on yourself, we all have passed for weak moments.

  20. Lou12 says:

    Hi all,
    I am so angry with myself right now and this is the only place I could come to where I can admit what an absolute idiot I’ve been.
    I used this forum a lot two years ago and I can honestly say that Susan’s book and the people here kept me with some semblance of sanity when I was absolutely heartbroken and falling apart.
    Since then, I’ve done a lot of work on myself and have been feeling so much stronger, more in control and in a much better place emotionally.
    Aside from a short, and poorly judged, relationship that was clearly a rebound thing, I’ve pretty much steered clear of men and focused on myself.

    I recently started seeing someone, I met him at work, although our paths rarely cross there.
    He’s 42, divorced, with a 7 year old daughter who lives with him (with mother most weekends) after a VERY acrimonious custody row. I’m 36, never married, no children.
    It all started with some funny emailing in July and it seemed like we had loads in common, made each other laugh etc.
    We eventually arranged our first date about six weeks later and had a lovely time, it felt really nice and we both admitted we were nervous about dating and that we’d had difficult experiences in the past. It was all very gentle and felt good.
    We’ve only actually had five dates, but have always texted, a lot, every day, so it feels like we’ve seeing each other much longer.
    Ever since that first date, he’s been much more intense and full on with the texting and when we’ve been together – always saying how much he likes me, how he cant believe he’s met someone like me, that I’m so beautiful etc etc Sometimes it’s been so full on that I’ve had a few red flags popping up up in my head and I’ve tried to keep things a bit slower and less intense, but it’s been hard when he’s been so excited.
    Well, last weekend was our fifth date and he came to mine (turned up with a dozen red roses!) and we slept together for the first time.
    And that’s when the switch happened. So predictable huh?
    I hardly heard from him all last week, so on Friday I asked what was wrong and he said that he felt confused, didn’t know what he wanted etc. He said that even though I’d played it much cooler than him, that he felt like a kid in a sweet shop who’d got too excited and now was paying the price of the sugar rush. Essentially he went in really intense and has now burnt out.
    I said that we should probably just stop seeing each other if that was how he felt and he said he didnt want to do that, but wanted me to be patient with him and let him work out what he wanted. Said could we just “go with the flow” – I said that basically meant he wanted me to go with his flow, which he disagreed with.
    Anyway, he texted me Saturday morning to say hello and we had a couple of texts but nothing major. He also texted me Saturday night but I didnt reply.
    Sunday morning I got a ‘hello, what you doing today’ and I just sent a brief ‘just on my way out, have a good day’ reply. He sent one yesterday evening asking how my day had been and I didnt reply. Mainly because I just feel like he’s picking me up and putting me down when it suits him. There’s been no mention of seeing each other again and I dont want a text relationship.
    Now I feel like a total fool for sleeping with him.
    I’m also really confused about what to do. Should I text him? (nothing from him today) or should I just walk away?
    Am I judging him unfairly? Or has he pretty much shown his colours and now he wants me to fall into line to suit him?
    Or should I be cutting him some slack?

    I’m so upset because I honestly felt like I wouldn’t be such an idiot again and now the first man who shows some interest in me and I let myself get hurt yet again.

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