Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.~ Dorothy Thompson

Fear drives us, most often, into places where our lives become narrow and smaller. We aren’t sure what we want to do, but we know what we don’t want to do. We don’t want to

be alone

take a chance

change a thing

We want things that we are afraid of (intimacy, success, change) to stay away from us. We SAY we want to be in a relationship, be successful, make our lives better but then we act in ways that is exactly the opposite of that.

We pick the wrong partners, we miss deadlines at work, we forget to journal or do our inventories. We self-sabotage without realizing it because we are afraid. We jump into relationships thinking this person will cure me when we don’t even know who the HELL this person is yet alone their ability to “cure” me and what the hell is wrong with my life. No one can cure it, but some are a lot easier on the psyche than others. And we don’t bother to try to figure out how easy or hard this person will be on our psyche. We go for “oh you look good and I feel a bit of chemistry so how bout we ride off into the sunset together?” without even thinking that maybe, just maybe, that’s a bad idea.
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Love is an action but words do play a role. They cannot be incongruous. A short treatise on how and why:

1) Many people say I love you and then do many unloving things to you. Hence the “I love you” is bullshit.

2) Many people never say I love you despite any way they act. That’s not okay either. You want to and need to hear “I love you.”
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Brad Pitt.

That’s what.

It is the media that can’t get over it. The media needs breakup recovery. The media needs to LET IT GO.

Reporters call me quite a bit about what I think about this celebrity and his or her ex and that celebrity. Many times they don’t like my take or that I don’t agree with them and they move on to find a quotable “expert” that does agree with them. Fine. Whatever. (One of my kids suggested I turn celeb breakup news into a semi-regular blog post and I’ve resisted because I really don’t follow celebrity news.)

But today I make an exception after getting a phone call asking about what does Jennifer Aniston REALLY think about Brad Pitt’s engagement sort of put me over the edge.

I don’t know Jen, and if I did I wouldn’t be sharing what she thinks with them, so I don’t know why they asked me. I don’t read minds and I don’t want to, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say SHE DOESN’T CARE. And why should she? She shouldn’t. Why people go all gah gah about Brad and Angelina is beyond me…but if you want to, fine…but it’s time, way way way overdue, to leave Jennifer Aniston OUT OF IT.

I think of people on here that struggle with hearing about their ex and think that they can put their own stuff into perspective when they read about Jennifer Aniston. How difficult do you find it when people talk about your ex? Imagine them talking about it years and years afterwards in major publications, websites and gossip rags.

A few years ago someone said to me, “I know you had a bad divorce but….” and I was thinking, “What? My divorce years and years ago has nothing to do with what I’m saying here.” They seemed to think I was thinking of (and being bitter about) my ex. I can’t think of many things that are less true. They were projecting bitterness and remorse onto me where none existed. And this speculation didn’t even make People or OK! magazine and read by thousands. And I was annoyed and irritated that it was even brought up. I can’t imagine how Jennifer Aniston must feel. People: (human people and magazines titled People) Let. It. Go.

So……..

Dear media: IT’S BEEN YEARS. Although you have had the “poor Jen” theme going for a long time, the woman is smart, funny, talented, wealthy and has a great boyfriend. She’s not pining for anything or anyone. She’s fine. She’s more than fine. She’s happy and healthy and has a lot of living to do. I doubt she thinks about Brad except when you idiots are hounding her about it. So, stop it.

It’s not Jen that needs to get over it, it’s YOU. Find something or someone else to write about. And if you can’t, you need to find another profession. And if you don’t, don’t call me about it because I will just tell you that Jen has moved on and you should too.

May coaching schedule is available now at: MAY 2012 GPYB Coaching Schedule

How can we tell someone to stop hurting us if we’re not sure it hurts? How can we identify it as inappropriate if that’s all we’ve ever lived with? To us, it’s normal. How can we know what we want if nobody ever told us it’s okay to want something? – Melody Beattie

When I suggest observation through journaling and listening to our own thought processes, it is to begin the long journey home to oneself. It is to get in touch with a self that may have been ignored, abused or inconsequential to people to whom we should have mattered. [Read more...]

I’m going to do a video on Boundaries. If you have a question or a specific situation (more details the better, including dialogue), please put it in comments and I will include the response in the video.

How is everyone doing?

This was my New Year’s post on the blog and it seems people keep asking me to run it again. So, here it is.

Yesterday I mentioned to someone that so long as you accept unacceptable behavior from someone you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. You are part of the problem of your own life and contributing to the bad behavior of the world at large (yes, the world at large, we all need to look up from our navels once in a while and see the world is out there and we are responsible for some of what goes on in it).
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I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure–which is: Try to please everybody. ~Herbert Bayard Swope

There are essential insanities and inessential insanities. Essential insanities get us in trouble with others. Inessential insanities get us in trouble with ourselves. It is always preferable to be in trouble with others, in fact it may be essential. ~ Tom Robbins

Working through unresolved grief can only work to make you stronger. As Stephen Levine said, people who work through their grief are the lightest and happiest of beings. It shows in their life, in their affect, in their ability to be “with” the world instead of looking on.

At some point in the grief process we feel “dead” and like we’re never going to be normal again. This is also part of the process. Things still seem surreal. We can’t imagine that we’re ever going to love again or trust again. We’re out of the deep, dark feelings but we’re not yet into the light. We’re in limbo somehow.

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