mail — Getting Past Your Breakup

Mail. We Get Mail on Good Decisions

January 6, 2012 By Susan J. Elliott Leave a Comment

I often rerun old “we get mail” posts when I get a similar email especially if it’s something that really hits home and can be applicable to others. The gist of this post is that how people respond to slowing down or issues in the relationship says more about them than being all hearts and flowery. Many times we fall in love with the hearts and flowers person because that’s EASY and give them way too many free passes when they act like bananaheads when things get tough. So this post is for someone who recently wrote me about a similar situation. But I think a lot of people will get a lot out of it.

Dear Susan,

I’m finding it almost impossible to face the reality of my situation and move past my past! I was engaged to a man and agreed to marry him after 6 months of knowing him. Subsequently after agreeing to marry him i found several things i could not agree with about him though it did not change the fact that i loved him. You can love someone even though you dont like some things about them. Anyhow, i started having my doubts about whether we were compatible or not and in expressing them i delayed the wedding date. Eventually he decided for the both of us and said he didn’t think it would work out and he immedialty went back to his EX!

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Filed Under: breakup, mail, self-care

Mail. We Get Mail on Childish Behavior

December 2, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 2 Comments

You may share this on your blog if you want to.

I sent him a text message on Tuesday morning telling him to give me back my stuff. The items are a week worth of work clothes, 2 shoes, and my iPod. Since he works less than 10 minutes away from me, I told him to just stop by my work and drop them off in my car. I gave him until when he can drop them off but he never did.
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Filed Under: mail

Mail. We Get Mail on Chasing the BH round and round

November 29, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 12 Comments

Hi Susan,

You may share this with everyone or you respond and put this to the blog.

I just want to say thank you for giving us a window of hope. Your blog has been extremely helpful. I know I should already know what to do, but…I don’t know. It’ll be long so here it goes…

My boyfriend and I were together for 8 years. We started dating when we were 23 year old. Things weren’t going well so after the 6th year, he moved out and lived with his friends. When he moved out, we were still constantly seeing each other. He had an older (woman) coworker whom I had questioned about. I have this feeling that she’s into him.
He didn’t want me to think that so he introduced me to her and felt so much better about their relationship.

A year or so after that, we would get into arguments and he never wanted to talk about it. He just wants to put things behind him without talking about it and I wanted to talk about it so we can move on from it. But since we never talked about it, it would come up on our next argument.

During this time or after he moved out, I wasn’t sure if we were still together as a couple or not. But we did hang out ALL the time. Finally we came to an agreement that we’ll hang out and see each other and be intimate but if we meet someone else, we’ll let the other person know.
2-3 years went by and neither of us met someone else.

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Filed Under: mail

Mail. We Get Mail On Past Misbehavior and Future Reconciliation

November 7, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 2 Comments

“The only hope is no hope.” ~ George Costanza

Hi Susan,

I am a woman who recently purchased your book after breaking up with my partner of 11 years just over 2 months ago. We spent 6 years living together, then I cheated on him, left him for the man I cheated on him with, only to come crawling back a few months later after I realized that I had been an immature fool who let lust carry her away. Anyway, after I broke up with him, he moved back home and we attempted long distance. Basically, we saw each other several times a year, sent each other romantic cards, called daily, sent flowers, but ultimately fooled around and disrespected the relationship if we knew the other wouldn’t find out. Maybe it was guilt, but throughout the last four year’s, we couldn’t cut each other off and I finally moved to be with him. We had a blissful three months and he proposed to me. I then found out that he was simultaneously dating some other girl. It has been beyond devastating. My ego is crushed, Im lonely and have left my entire life behind only to fall on my face.
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Filed Under: mail

Mail. We Get Mail on “What Went Wrong?”

October 17, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 4 Comments

Below is an email conversation I had with a subscriber and she suggested I post it on the blog. Here it is:

Hi Susan:

Basically this guy and I fell for each other hard and fast, and had lots of things in common and areas where we were compatible. Then after about a month, I started really having my fear of abandonment kick in. I thought I’d dealt with it, but it came up again, along with some low self-esteem that I also thought I had dealt with. Basically, my fear of abandonment took the form of feeling that this guy was too good for me, and that it was too good to be true and wouldn’t last.
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Filed Under: breakup, mail

Mail. We Get Mail When We Are Young and Being Used

October 4, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 1 Comment

When any of us gives and gives to another person who is not responding in kind, we usually do so because we do not trust that we will be able to establish and maintain a relationship with that other person on our own merit. When any of us gives and gives to another person, it really amounts to an unacknowledged bribe. ~ Robin Norwood
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Filed Under: breakup, mail

Mail. We Get Mail on Confusion and Priority

September 29, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott Leave a Comment

This was a mail received 2 years ago but the authors of some recent emails might benefit from this.
Hi Susan
I keep coming back to your website and comments on what Love is and isnt. It has helped me to keep grounded and to check in with my emotions. I had a relationship for 1.5 years with a man who was not divorced who told me in the beginning that he was. I found this situation impossible as it felt like he had his feet in ‘two canoes’ and he finally put in the divorce papers and then blamed me. The relationship ended last August due to the fact that I felt emotionaly unsafe and I had the feeling he was a player and was developing a relationship with someone else towards the end of our relationship. He texted me at 3.30am in the morning to ask me to call him which I did and the relationship actually ended over the phone. I was devastated by this and felt completely disrespected.
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Filed Under: confusion, mail

Mail. We Get Mail on “No Contact” Issues

September 26, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 10 Comments

In email:

I didn’t sit on my hands long enough…I tried to “watch” the need and let it pass and it felt overwhelming and I failed only to text him and ask “Why aren’t you contacting me occasionly” only to hear no reply from someone who keeps their phone always on their person. But in my addiction, I’m almost relieved, like I tried to reach out and he doesn’t want to communicate -as if t I tried and now this answers my question. And then it occurred to me that reaching out, was ME trying to GET him to talk to me. That has zero to do with answering any questions. Is this “normal”? My need to have him communicate with me makes me look at what the void is I’m trying to fill, but I can’t figure that out…. and maybe I’m not suppose to??

Maybe you need to not worry about figuring it out…everyone who leaves a relationship feels a void whether or not the relationship was a good one. It’s about starting over and doing in a different direction. Right now it’s just about not doing that again.
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Filed Under: featured, mail, no contact

Mail. We Get Mail on “Are You The One for Me?”

September 19, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 5 Comments

Hi Susan,

I’m currently reading your book and just the suggestions in of themselves have made me feel better and inspired (for example writing down affirmations and positive self talk which I will start doing).

My therapist recommended the book because I was going through a painful break up (even though we were still texting every day but not talking). We have been together for 1 year and 8 months. However, we started talking and seeing each other again so now I am so confused. This is nothing new though. We constantly break up and go through terrible grief but then can’t seem to stay away from each other.
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Filed Under: breakup, mail, relationship

Mail. We Get Mail When Things Just Aren’t Right

September 17, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 25 Comments

Hi Susan,

I’m currently reading your book and it’s like a breath of fresh air. I want to thank you for taking the time to reach out to all of the people who follow and look up to you – me being one of them.

I am just getting out of a 5+ year relationship. I’m 28 and he’s 29. When we first met he was all about working, settling down, having kids, etc. Our goals were the same. After about a year of dating, he tried to break up with me. He said it was because he just didn’t think it would work out. I was determined to show him that we were compatible. Once we decided to continue to see each other, every 6 months or so the same topic would come up – usually it was when i would bring up our future or questioned when things would start moving forward. Things seemed to be going well, until the last 2 years or so. We would argue constantly because our goals were no longer the same. Somewhere along the line, he decided that he hasn’t “lived” yet. He feels trapped because of his job that he hates, his house (we never lived together, I own my own home, and me. He’s planning on moving to Colorado in the near future. His mind is constantly changing as far as what he wants for his life, and he still doesn’t know. He’s had over 15 business ideas and i have tried to (morally) support them all. He knows that someday, he wants to have a family of his own, but right now, he wants to go find himself. I’ve been reading the “IT” post on your blog once, sometimes twice a day because i don’t think i was “it” for him. I don’t blame myself for not being “it”, but it makes me sad that I am not.
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Filed Under: fear of commitment, featured, grief, mail, relationship, self-care