self-care — Getting Past Your Breakup

Mail. We Get Mail on Good Decisions

January 6, 2012 By Susan J. Elliott Leave a Comment

I often rerun old “we get mail” posts when I get a similar email especially if it’s something that really hits home and can be applicable to others. The gist of this post is that how people respond to slowing down or issues in the relationship says more about them than being all hearts and flowery. Many times we fall in love with the hearts and flowers person because that’s EASY and give them way too many free passes when they act like bananaheads when things get tough. So this post is for someone who recently wrote me about a similar situation. But I think a lot of people will get a lot out of it.

Dear Susan,

I’m finding it almost impossible to face the reality of my situation and move past my past! I was engaged to a man and agreed to marry him after 6 months of knowing him. Subsequently after agreeing to marry him i found several things i could not agree with about him though it did not change the fact that i loved him. You can love someone even though you dont like some things about them. Anyhow, i started having my doubts about whether we were compatible or not and in expressing them i delayed the wedding date. Eventually he decided for the both of us and said he didn’t think it would work out and he immedialty went back to his EX!

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Filed Under: breakup, mail, self-care

We Become (or Stay) What We Think About

January 3, 2012 By Susan J. Elliott 2 Comments

People are never sure they believe this axiom, but it’s true. If you think you are a loser, you will be a loser. If you think you are a winner, you will be a winner.

Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.”

GPYB STRESSES positive self talk, but before you can change it, you have to figure out what you’re saying and when you’re saying it. Become cognizant of all the negative messages you send yourself and stop yourself when you hear it. This sounds like a simple instruction but many people are barely hearing themselves talk about themselves. They are so used to being negative and full of self-loathing they don’t hear it.
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Filed Under: affirmations, self-care, self-esteem

Ask the Right Questions = Do The Right Thing

November 21, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 2 Comments

I once received an email from a person who had decided to be friends with her ex in the hopes of him getting over “whatever it is” (her words, not mine) to resume their relationship. He came over and talked about new women he was seeing and sometimes they slept together (her and her ex).

Her question was: why does he talk about these other women to me?

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Filed Under: breakup, relationship, self-care

Blame Gaming 101

November 14, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 7 Comments

“Dad would start blaming, as if it were important to establish once and for all who was responsible for every peccadillo.” ~ Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse

Needing someone to blame whenever something goes wrong is a hallmark of a dysfunctional family. People who want to blame others do so to shift the focus onto someone and lay the responsibility for whatever went wrong squarely at someone’s feet.

It doesn’t matter if someone really IS to blame or not (sometimes stuff happens and that is life), someone WILL be blamed.

Usually the family has elected the most culpable person to the role of black sheep. This person will be blamed whether or not they had anything to do with it or whether or not ANYONE had anything to do with it. This person will be blamed for both commissions (“you did this”) or omissions (“why didn’t you do something about this?”). It doesn’t matter. [Read more...]

Filed Under: abuse, bad relationship, blame, dysfunctional family, personal power, self-care, self-confidence, self-discipline

Being Good To You

November 9, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 5 Comments

I know a lot of this is splashed around the blog and in the book and has been posted a few times on the blog, but it needs a re-run. Those of you who need it, you know who you are. .
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Filed Under: self-care

Where the Lack of Standards and Boundaries Leads You

November 2, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 38 Comments

Lately it seems as if I have been talking to people, counseling people and hearing a lot of stories where there were no standards and boundaries in the beginning, people just latched onto other people (for various reasons) and dismissed big red flags because they were “in love.”

They wind up moving in, sometimes having children, sometimes marrying, despite the fact that this person has these glaring issues that you are choosing to ignore. One person told me, just yesterday, “But I love him.” SO WHAT? I’ve had gold fish that I love but if it was coming home at night drunk and disorderly, I would flush it down the bowl.

The feeling of love is besides the point. People break up everyday with people they love. Because the person or the situation is no good for them any longer. There are BHs who break up for the wrong reasons, but there are people who break up for the right reasons…I love you but I can’t live like this any more. There are people who stay together “for the children” which says “I love my children enough to keep them living in misery with this miserable person.” Well, good for you. Parent. Of. The. Year.

Love is an action. It’s not a thumping in your chest or a warmth in your crotch. It’s how you ACT. It’s how another acts toward you. It’s not about hormones and pheremones. It’s about ACTION. How does one act? In his or her life? With his or her people? HOW DO THEY ACT? If they act like an imbecile or an irresponsible moron or a jerk, chances are you’re going to be on the end of that act sooner rather than later.
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Filed Under: boundaries, breakup, relationship, self-care, standards

Cultivate Your Life

October 20, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 6 Comments

Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed. – Corita Kent

I bought my house in the winter. Like other houses, I could see, even in the dead of winter, traces of flower gardens.

I would wonder what was beneath the soil that would bloom in the spring and summer, anxiously awaiting to fill in the beds with my own selections.

I love designing a garden. When I first started gardening I would spend all winter with my gardening books, looking at the beautiful pictures and sketching out ideas in notepads. I remember sitting in my living room with big, hardcover books all around me. The splashes of color that were revealed from page to page would sustain me through the dreariness of winter.
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Filed Under: breakup, relationship, self-care

Guest Post by Our In-House Personal Trainer. :)

October 15, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 3 Comments

Yoga….it’s more than saying “Om”

Last month we talked about the importance of just getting moving, and how exercise in all forms can elicit the “feel good” hormones called endorphins that set the stage for some bits & pieces of clarity during recovery. Today I want to talk about the opposite side of the revved up version of exercise, the slower, calmer side that is also used for peace in the storm.
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Filed Under: exercise, guest bloggers, self-care, yoga

Invincible Summer

October 9, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 5 Comments

I wrote this post in the blog’s 3rd week (12/06) and it has been a requested repost dozens of times. Here it is again.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.” - Albert Camus

It is in our darkest moments, when we feel the weakest, when we feel that we cannot go on one moment longer, that our true tests happen.

It is also the time when our true self is revealed to us. Our egos and everyday masks are pulled away from us. When we are raw and aching and convinced we will not make it, we are left with ourselves and our pain. The unbearable pain of human sorrow from loss, of uncertainty as to what the future brings, of how to repair ourselves after someone or something has turned our entire lives to shambles. [Read more...]

Filed Under: breakup, grief, recovery, self-care

A Person of Dignity

October 7, 2011 By Susan J. Elliott 3 Comments

Requested Repost:

Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit. ~ e.e. cummings

I’ve done a lot of strange things in my life due to my screwy upbringing, low self-esteem, relationship dependency/addiction, chaos in my life, confusion and reacting etc.

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Filed Under: breakup, recovery, relationship, self-care