Announcing: When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You – the Book!

Thank you for stopping by.  This is the description of my next book,When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You: How To Reject The Rejector and Find Your Way To Real Love (RTR) and how you can be a part of this exciting venture!  If you don’t want to know (or you already know) the reasons why I’m going this route, the full book proposal is below and an audio explaining this is on the crowdfunding page.

Why Am I Self Publishing and Crowdfunding?

Despite an offer on this book from the publisher of my other two books, I have decided to self-publish. There are several reasons for this.

Before I go into the story behind my decision, let me say that I do not want to come across as a whiny, entitled author. I understand that to secure an agent and get published by a major publisher is a big deal.  I know that many people try – but few make it. It’s similar to other fields like acting or music. I am very grateful to have two books published by a traditional, big name publisher. But I am not so grateful that I will give them the opportunity to muck up this book.  Here’s the story as to why:

When I finished my first book, Getting Past Your Breakup (GPYB), I wanted to continue on with a focus on rejection, abandonment and attachment issues of the person who felt rejected. GPYB is a general breakup book that doesn’t delve into the psyche of the two people involved. As I was writing it, I had the idea of writing my next book for those who have trouble moving on despite doing the work in GPYB.  There is a whole other layer that I wanted to explore in the next book which I called, in my mind, GPYB2.

My husband passed away a few months after GPYB was published.  The original editor who bought GPYB had left my publisher, and a new editor came in.  We discussed the direction for my next book.  I pitched GPYB2, but she wanted a dating book.  Being so bereft about my husband, writing about dating and relationships was the last thing I wanted to write about.  But the carrot was: write this dating book and we’ll publish GPYB2. 

Despite the emotional challenge, our editorial differences, and many personal physical obstacles (detailed in Getting Back Out There (GBOT)), I did as they asked. I wrote GBOT – but it’s NOT a dating book. It’s about moving onto thinking about a healthy relationship and doing the work BEFORE dating and then how to come together as a couple and decide what kind of couple you’re going to be (and if that is possible before you commit to a long term relationship). It was much, much more than a “dating” book. I don’t think my publisher saw it that way and positioned it poorly.

As difficult as most of the book was to write, I had one chapter that I enjoyed.  The chapter advises heterosexual women to “play hard to get” in a healthy way and why – in the biological evolutionary scheme of things – it makes sense.  I am proud of the way I wrote GPYB to be gender neutral, sexual orientation neutral and length of relationship neutral. Writing it without using “he or she” or s/he or something equally clunky, was a big challenge. I had to rewrite so many sentences to keep it gender neutral. But I am passionate about the fact that my books are accessible to more than the “typical” self-help book buyer (heterosexual women between the ages of 18 and 35).  The only battle I waged with GPYB was when they wanted to put a pink cover on it!  After all the pains I went through to make it gender neutral! I was not happy and told them so. I won that argument.

I never write for one gender or the other and never write within the framework of only heterosexual relationships, but this information has helped so many of my female clients who were doing the OPPOSITE of what the chapter suggested. When they followed the advice in the chapter, things changed in their lives and relationships.  This chapter was very important to me and absolutely needed to be in GBOT. I thought my editor would see that this chapter “might” be controversial, and that would be a good thing if it brought attention to the book.  I didn’t write it for that purpose, but it wouldn’t be a bad thing.

My editor not only axed it, but we had a huge argument as to how it would be perceived. I remember pacing around the kitchen with her on the phone, trying to stay calm and civil. She thought it WAS playing a game, meaning she missed the entire point of the chapter. I have posted a shorter length version of the chapter several times on the GPYB blog and it ran on Psychology Today when I wrote for them. It is called Women: Being Unavailable Versus Playing A Game.  You can read it here.     I have an organic audience and can gauge the interest of my material almost  immediately. I told them that this article has always received a great reception and a good deal of buzz – but my editor said no.

Another issue between us was that I also didn’t want to include the GPYB inventories in GBOT. I felt as if my readers should not pay good money to see these duplicated. I thought the literary “real estate” that the inventories took up in the second book was a waste. I lost that argument as well.  I absolutely hated including the GPYB inventories in GBOT, and felt it was a disservice to my readers, but I did as they asked.

I hoped they had some post-production plan for GBOT, but it seems they did not.  They did a terrible job of editing. I sent back the manuscript numerous times with my edits, only to have glaring mistakes and typos appear in the published version. They barely marketed it at all and the publicity was next to nothing. When GPYB came out, many television producers here in NYC asked if I had done television. When they said no, the show would usually pass.  But after I hired my own publicist, I was on television, locally (being NY, it’s not a small local market) and nationally, about a dozen times.  I had clips and really good interviews with a variety of shows on a variety of  topics.  I was invited back to a few shows after proving that I had some TV chops.

When GBOT came out, I expected they would send it to television stations and when they inquired as to my experience, my publisher could say, “Yes, she’s done a dozen shows or so! Here are the clips!”  But – guess what?  They never sent the book to them.  In fact, several “big name” platforms like WGN (super station) in Chicago and the Jenny McCarthy Show on SIRIUS here in NY contacted me personally to make an appearance.  I was STUNNED that these platforms had to contact me directly. My publisher had not sent the book to either. They did such a terrible job from the material to the editing to the marketing.

A few months ago, I received an email from my agent saying that my publisher wanted me to sign off on receiving royalties on the SALE price, not the COVER price of GPYB for a “huge” promotion on Amazon. If I didn’t sign, I would not be part of this promotion. But when the promotion was over, I would continue to receive royalties on the sale price, not the cover price.  This was essentially rewriting my book contract.  Since there is usually a $5.00 difference between cover and sale, I could not see how I could possibly sign off.

The way it was pitched to me seemed sneaky and underhanded (especially since they went through my agent, and gave the “time is of the essence” speech, which they have not done in years). I don’t like being treated like a fool. That was exactly what their pitch was – treating me like a fool. No. No. and a big fat NO.  It’s bad enough that I get 7.5 percent on the cover price and then my agent gets 15 percent of that.  The electronic copy – which the publisher does NOTHING for – gives me 15 percent royalties – but again, my agent gets 15 percent of that.  They wanted to pay me even less through some round-about mechanism in the guise of a “promotion.” Uh, no. I.am.not.a.fool.

Not only are my royalties low, but I fight piracy all the time. It’s so frustrating, and sometimes defeating, to chase these people around the internet. Even though I’m an attorney, most of the pirates are off -shore and my law license does not frighten them. It’s an on-going battle and my publisher does next to nothing to help me with it.

My book contract gave them right of first refusal on my next book, so I had to give them the option, which I did, and they made an offer, which I declined. After all the stunts and charades, and despite the way traditional publishing is being usurped by self-publishing, I did not trust them with this book, which is so important to me. I believe that they duplicated the inventories because they did not have a personal connection to my readers, but I do. I want to retain creative control over that which is delivered to my very loyal readers.

As I’ve recounted these struggles, my readers, podcast listeners, clients, boot campers, friends and relatives have encouraged me to self-publish this book. I truly do not want to fall on my face here. Severing ties with my publisher was not easy, and it would be impossible to trek back to traditional publishing if this doesn’t fly. My writing career would be, essentially over. But everyone I speak with says they are willing to lend monetary support, and they are sure others will as well. I certainly hope they are right.  This is a HUGE leap with grave consequences if it doesn’t materialize.

I hate asking for money.  I try to keep the costs of the counseling, coaching, boot camps, seminars etc., low and affordable for everyone. When I have scholarship money in the GPYB DV Fund, I give it.  If someone needs a payment plan, I arrange it.  Despite so many advisors telling me to do otherwise, I have given a lot and have underpriced my services for a good many years and give away free advice in articles, podcasts and in the Facebook GPYB group.  My fervent hope is that people will show their appreciation for what I’ve given the last 12 years (even when my husband was dying and then when he passed – I created a separate blog, RopeBurns, for the outlet for my pain so that my GPYB blog readers weren’t guilty about sharing their breakups while I was going through the worst experience of my life).

I would also like to get this book out, make it bigger than GPYB and show my publisher what my material can really be if handled correctly.  I also want to publish it without typos, the way books should go to market. (Hello Big 5 publishers!  Get with the program!)

SO: After much deliberation (more than a year), I have decided to crowdfund this project. To help make this a reality, please send me email HERE and I will let you know how to contribute to the project when the crowdfunding page is ready (probably end of December 2018). I submitted the following proposal to my publisher. In publishing, non-fiction is sold via a book proposal which contains the following elements and usually one or two sample chapters. I submitted two for GPYB because it was my first book.  For this one, I submitted an Introduction and Chapter 1, though it was not required.

When the crowdfunding page is ready, I will share the Introduction with all $100 and higher donors.  I will share Chapter 1 with the highest levels of donors. My biggest donors will be invited to sit on my Editorial Board and help steer the direction of the book (if they want to – or they can be silent partners).

If you have a story or situation you would like to contribute to the book, please email me here.

I am so eager to share this and to get it “in the can.”  I hope you all come along with me to make this a reality and get this book into the hands of people who are hurting.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support. I could not (and cannot) do this without you!!!


A Book Proposal

When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You:

How To Reject The Rejector and Find Your Way To Real Love

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.


Overview of the Book (this is typically the back cover blurb)

Being in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same can be a devastating experience. Being on the “outside looking in” can cause crushing feelings of loss and betrayal and a massive hit to the sense of self. But now there is a definitive guide to help you move forward. When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You: How To Reject The Rejector and Find Your Way To Real Love explains how to move from the horror of unrequited love to the peace of mind that comes from working through it and ultimately rejecting the rejecter.

Description

In December 2006 I wrote the first version of When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You on the “Getting Past Your Past” (GPYP) blog. Tough but empathetic, the post instructed how to move beyond rejection and prepare for true love with a caring person.

Based on the article’s exhortation to dismiss both the rejection and the ex, readers dubbed the post “Reject the Rejector.” (Both Rejecter and Rejector are correct spelling, and you may see me swing between them.  I will let the book editor decide which one is “more correct”” and will change it globally.)  This post was also where the GPYB mantra, “It doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter” originated, as well as the concept of “wants to be with me.”  The article packed a huge punch and audiences have been responding strongly for over 12 years.

The GPYP blog accompanied the course I taught at night and was meant only for a handful of students. But, after the post appeared, blog traffic almost immediately increased to hundreds of views from people all over the country and, then, all over the world. Within the next month, the blog was averaging 1,200 views a week (powerful numbers in 2007). Most readers did not know me personally and had no idea they had stumbled upon a somewhat private blog for my students. They requested information about my seminars and, before I knew it, people were flying to New York just to take seminars with me. In these weekend seminars, they clamored for “the book,” which had not been written (or even considered!!)  I was busy establishing myself as an attorney in the toughest legal market in the world. I didn’t have time for this – but eventually I decided to do it.

The popularity of the blog and my students’ enthusiasm and encouragement led to the publication of my first book, Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened to You (GPYB)[1].

Each year I edited and reposted my original “Reject the Rejector” post for the new “Getting Past Your Breakup” (GPYB) blog,[2] and each time it received an amazing response. Readers circulated it widely, and it continued to receive more comments than any other post. Unfortunately, it has been copied and used as a “template” for others on YouTube and on websites around the internet.  T0 protect my intellectual property, I pulled the article, but the video is still on YouTube here. I want to publish this book this year and protect my intellectual property while delivering a book my readers have long asked for.

The Viral Continues

In June 2015, I wrote a new iteration of “Reject the Rejector” for Psychology Today (PT) and the post remained in one of the TOP FIVE spots on the front page of the popular website for over four months – a remarkable achievement. The PT article received more than 1M views, over 400 comments and, after being selected for inclusion on PT’s Facebook page, more than 5,000 Facebook likes. Additionally, the “Reject the Rejector” post garnered email and comments from the groups usually left out of self-help literature: heterosexual men, and gay and lesbian readers. Analytics indicate that 34 percent of the readers are men, which is much higher than most self-help articles.

“Reject the Rejector” clearly hits a nerve. Readers readily share their stories in comments and private email. The majority of readers gratefully credit the post with helping them move on. The comments also include many questions such as: Why did I have such a severe reaction to this? What is the problem? How did I not see this coming? Why does this hurt so badly? How do I move on? How can I regain my sense of self-worth? Why does this always happen to me?

When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will answer these and many other questions.

How Is This Different from Getting Past Your Breakup?

When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You is not a rehashing of GPYB, which is a universal breakup book for all who end or have had a relationship end. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You is about the experience of being rejected, whether it’s in a long-term relationship, a newer relationship, when you suddenly fall in love with your best friend (both same and opposite sex friend), or when you’ve simply crushed on someone for years and cannot seem to desire anyone else. Many readers have been unceremoniously “dumped” by someone they are truly besotted with. Many readers suffer from unrequited love. These readers have a much harder time letting go, and When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You speaks specifically to the person rejected and why that struggle exists.

When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You addresses three areas that GPYB does not:

1) the circumstances surrounding the breakup or the reality that the relationship is not going to materialize;

2) the complicating factors and possible psychological pathologies of both parties;

and

3) the expanded role of social media in today’s breakups.

GPYB dictates that the reader not focus on the ex. However, a sudden breakup or the realization that your love interest doesn’t want you can trigger a skewed view of both the rejecter and the relationship. Many times the rejected person is awash in warm, wonderful memories with a near-perfect person who loved them very much or is the perfect fit for the perfect union.

At the same time, they ignore or minimize the rejecter’s possible issues and the painful characteristics of the relationship. Sometimes, even when they focus on how bad the relationship or the rejecter is, they have trouble internalizing it and moving on. Therefore, the crux of the difference between the books is that When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will discuss how to break the spell of the “fantasy” unrequited love interest, and it will discuss various breakup scenarios (including being left for the “other” woman or man, “ghosting” and breaking up via text not discussed in GPYB). It will also educate the reader about the conceivable profiles of the rejecter from the benign (“let’s be just friends”) to the disturbing (sociopathic).

When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You provides an in-depth study of human behavior in a difficult situation and, as such, it is not a direct competitor of GPYB. Instead, it nicely supplements general breakup advice for those most likely to buy self-help books: people in excruciating emotional pain after being blind-sided by rejection.

The complicating factors and possible psychological pathologies of both parties will be examined in When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You which deals directly with the rejecter’s issues in a simple yet thorough way. Many readers are involved with partners with disturbed profiles, and while there are many resources for those involved with sociopaths, narcissists, and abusers, there are no books that offer an all-encompassing method of how to recognize and deal with all of the very different disorders. For 12 years the GPYB blog has linked and referred to other books that deal with these varied disorders, and has a long history of reader feedback about these publications, which will be used to construct the Rejecter section of When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You.

Social Media

The last distinction, the role of social media, is a very important one. GPYB touched very lightly on social media because cyber ploys were not as common in 2009 as they are today. Often a rejected person will engage in social media games designed to win the rejecter back. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will discuss the pitfalls of following your ex around the internet, creating fake social media profiles, and ‘accidentally’ texting them to try to induce jealousy. A person can become so wrapped up in virtual espionage that they lose sight of everything else. Social media issues are much more common among those suddenly rejected and can be a significant roadblock to healing and warrants an in-depth discussion.

When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You then turns the attention back to the reader to help identify and address their own issues. It discusses why some people have a much harder time dealing with the sudden end of a relationship than others. Contributing factors can be fear of abandonment, anxious attachment disorder, or unresolved early life losses. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You expounds upon the GPYB construct that “water seeks its own level” while giving the reader a fair view of their “water level” and how it meshed with the rejecter’s. With a new awareness and understanding of their own patterns and tendencies, When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You propels the reader forward. The reader uses this new insight and clarity to not only heal from the breakup, but to “level up” for more satisfying relationships in the future.

When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will be divided into two sections:

Part One will deal with the rejection and Part Two will instruct how to reject the rejecter.  Part Two will empower and encourage the reader to build a life that will be able to welcome true, reciprocal love in the future. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You also expands upon techniques to bring the reader’s life into balance such as meditation, visualization, mindfulness and goal setting.

When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will include reader and client stories and be gender, sexual orientation, and length of relationship neutral for the most part. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You benefits not only from my personal and professional experience, but also from the comments and input from readers that I saved every time the article was run, as well as comments by YouTubers. This organic audience has allowed me to conduct research and truly understand what the audience wants from the next book.

Although When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will be differentiated from GBYB, they are alike in one important aspect: as GPYB’s popularity was foreshadowed by the number of readers clamoring for its publication, readers continually ask for a book-length version of the “Reject the Rejecter” post. This is evidence that When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You can be as popular as GPYB; perhaps even more so. Each book can have its own place on the list of self-help classics, and When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You has GPYB’s substantial coattails to ride.

About the Author (this is always written in the 3rd person)

Publisher’s Weekly (the bible of the publishing industry) called Susan J. Elliott’s 2009 appearance on the publishing scene an “acclaimed debut.”[3] Her first book, Getting Past Your Breakup, has enjoyed positive media and reader reviews and appears on several “Best Breakup Books” lists, including the Huffington Post, Marie Claire U.K. and About.com. (Go HERE for other publications, agencies and websites that have chosen GPYB as a top breakup book.) Sales of GPYB remain solid each month and the book has consistently ranked in the Amazon Top Sellers in the Divorce category.

The author followed her first book with Getting Back Out There: Secrets to Successful Dating and Finding Real Love after the Big Breakup.  Both books have received great media and reader reviews and have sold (combined), in JUST the United States, over 100k copies.  GPYB has an unheard of 95 % 4 and 5 star reader rating from over 500 reader reviews on Amazon. Additionally, both books are sold around the world and GPYB is published in 7 languages with more on the way.

When the author was writing for Psychology Today, her articles garnered two million readers within the first few months, a milestone other PT authors do not reach for years, if ever.  She is recognized as a relationship expert and speaks frequently in front of large and small crowds on a variety of subjects.

Susan J. Elliott is an author, attorney, and grief counselor. She is the creator of workshops, seminars, and boot camps designed to help people move on from loss, especially that of breakup, separation and divorce. She is recognized as an international breakup expert and is consistently sought as a media commentator, guest columnist and speaker. She has appeared on several international, national and local (New York City) television and radio shows. She has been quoted in many periodicals such as O!, Women’s Health, Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Elle, Chicago Tribune, New York Daily News, New York Post, Gannett Newspapers, Detroit Free Press, Irish Independent (Dublin) Marie Claire (U.S. and U.K.), Women’s World, and websites such as MSNBC, Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, Salon, Psych Central, Faster Times, Glamour, Oprah, Examiner.com, Psychology Today, Psychology Daily News, Your Tango!, LifeLoveBeauty.com, DateDaily.com, and Dating Advice.com. She has been invited to work as a consultant on media projects and asked to endorse books, products and websites.

Elliott holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in English from Mount Holyoke College where she graduated magna cum laude with High Honors and Phi Beta Kappa. She received her Master of Education in Counseling Psychology from Cambridge College and her Juris Doctor from the University of California, Berkeley. She resides in New York.

Competition

Breakup Books

It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt is very cutesy and calls female readers “foxes.” The book has an upbeat and positive tone but is fairly short on concrete advice and an explanation of the grief process and other difficult tasks that healing from a breakup entails.

While How To Heal A Broken Heart in Thirty Days by Howard Bronson is not written exclusively for women breaking up with men, the 30-day recovery program is not only unrealistic but could actually be harmful to a reader who attempts to follow the day-by-day program.

The Breakup Bible: The Smart Women’s Guide to Breakups and Divorce by Rachel Sussman is well-written and practical. However, it is more of a peer of GPYB than When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You because it details the grief process, suggests journaling and self-care, but does not delve into the underlying causes of feeling rejection nor does it address the rejecter’s possible issues.

Other Books

Love Fraud by Donna Andersen is the leading book on relationships with the personality disordered.  Many GPYB blog readers, after being referred to this book, report feeling overwhelmed by the amount of information in the book and cannot digest their role in the relationship quite so suddenly or completely. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will give more of an introduction to the dynamics of the sociopathic relationship and include a comprehensive bibliography to more in-depth works.

Likewise, Randi Kreger’s Splitting explores relationships with the person with Narcissistic or Borderline Personality Disorder. Though small in stature, the book is long on complex information. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You breaks down much of this in bite-sized portions to help the reader come to terms with the situation and continue their recovery from these destructive relationships.

Promotion

In addition to advertising the new book on the  GPYB website and in the ever-growing Facebook GPYB group, the Author will design, develop and optimize a new website dedicated to When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You material. The website will invite reader comments and provide links to the books. The Author will hire a private marketing person and a private publicist and make herself available to all promotional opportunities. When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will be promoted heavily on social media as well as the Author’s existing blogs, websites, Facebook pages and groups and the “Mean Lady Talking” podcast.

Book Specifications

When the Person You Love Doesn’t Love You will be approximately 280 pages (80,000 words) in length. Most of the research is completed, interviews have concluded (although readers continue to submit stories) and approximately 30 percent of the manuscript is completed.  If funds can be obtained quickly through crowdfunding, the completed chapters can be sent off to an editor and the book design can begin. The author will keep all donors up to date on the progression of the book. Please help create buzz for this important book.

Book Table of Contents

Part One: The Rejection

Introduction: When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You

Chapter One: When Water Levels Turn To Ice

Chapter Two: When Someone Tells You Who They Are, Believe Them

Chapter Three: When You’re Obsessed

Chapter Four: When Your Past Explains Your Present

Chapter Five: When You’re Stunned By Grief

Part Two: Rejecting the Rejecter

Chapter Six: When It’s Time to Level Up

Chapter Seven: When It’s Time To Take Care of You

Chapter Eight: Recognizing the Rejecters and Other Dangerous Types

Chapter Nine: When It’s Time to Let Go and Reject the Rejecter

Bibliography and Resources

Chapter Summaries (including the level of completion of each chapter)

Introduction: When The Person You Love Doesn’t Love You

The Introduction will provide a road map to healing and detail the path from the devastation of rejection to the ultimate triumph of winning back self-esteem, planning a rich and wonderful life, and rejecting the rejecter. This chapter has been completed.

Part One: The Devastation of Rejection

Chapter One: When Water Turns To Ice

The first chapter is an overview that explores various unrequited love situations as well as sudden rejection scenarios and how each can trigger a desperate and intense grief reaction in the person rejected. It acknowledges the rejected person’s suffering and how rejection can make someone feel worthless, angry, hurt, guilty, overwhelmed and regretful. It discusses the tendency to dwell in “if only” fantasies and belabor the “whys” of the situation. It investigates the flair for drama and ploys for attention. It revisits the GPYB construct that “water seeks its own level” and sets up the reader to understand the topics in the rest of the book.  Chapter One is written and higher level donors will receive a link to the finished chapter and be able to comment on it!

Chapter Two: When Someone Tells You Who They Are, Believe Them.

This chapter concentrates on the actions and possible issues of the rejecter. It can be something as benign as the wrong relationship at the wrong time to something more ominous such as being a sociopath or narcissist. Sometimes the rejecter has been a serial cheater who has decided to move on with the latest paramour. The rejected person usually spends a long time splitting” the rejecter into good (the person they fell in love with) and bad (the person rejecting them.) This chapter ends by introducing the need to let go of obsessive questioning. Chapter Two has been outlined and is partially written.

Chapter Three: When You’re Obsessed

Beginning where Chapter Two ends, this chapter examines the way sudden rejection or the sudden realization that love is not going to happen between you and your intended can lead to obsessive questioning and triggering the “searching” component of grief. The chapter discusses finding ways and constructing reasons for contact such as fabricated emergencies. Because of the convenience of social media, the reader may find new and subtle ways to stalk an ex, including creating fake personas and sending “accidental” texts. The chapter ends with a brief discussion of possible personal consequences and legal ramifications of going to extremes on social media and how to behave more responsibly.Chapter Three has been outlined and is partially written.

Chapter Four: When Your Past Explains Your Present

This chapter highlights the possible personal and historical issues of the reader who feels rejected, victimized, and abandoned. The reader may suffer from low self-esteem, insecurity, anxious attachment disorder, abandonment, or “adult child” issues. Low self-worth may have caused a pattern of “settling for less.” There may be a history of infidelity, abuse and codependency in the relationship. The chapter discusses the various profiles of those who partner up with those who ultimately reject them and how to change that profile. It introduces the idea of examining and learning from this and other losses and betrayals.Chapter Four has been outlined and is about 3/4 of the way written.

Chapter Five: When You’re Stunned By Grief

This chapter details the emotions of grief after a breakup with special attention to the devastation of sudden rejection, possibly complicated by the unemotional response or swift moving on of the rejecter. Chapter Five includes detailed discussion to help the reader work through the grief process, including “recycling” which is when healing begins and then suddenly stops. This chapter also addresses random communication to or from the ex and how it impedes progress. Chapter Five has been outlined and is nearing completion.

Part Two: Rejecting The Rejecter

Chapter Six: When It’s Time To “Level Up”

This chapter addresses what is necessary to change the “water level” and move on. The first order of business is uncovering historical issues and resolving to recover. The second is to surrender the idea that you must have closure and answers to questions that do not matter. The third is a cognitive and affirmative pledge to decide, once and for all, it’s time to move on. Chapter Six has been outlined and is approximately 30 percent completed.

Chapter Seven: When It’s Time To Take Care of You

This chapter explains the concept, “To find the right person, be the right person.” It teaches how to develop high self-esteem and how to avoid “rejecter” types in the future. This chapter details techniques to center the reader and curb obsessive thoughts such as meditation, visualization, mindfulness and goal setting. Chapter Seven has been outlined and 25 percent complete.

Chapter Eight: Recognizing the Rejecters and Other Dangerous Types

Many times we recover from bad relationships and think we have learned from our mistakes. We develop a mindset that we are much better and won’t attract any more rejecters.  But this mindset can be dangerous and lead us to letting down our guard and letting another dangerous type into our lives. Because we operate on the principle that we are “better” and making better choices, we miss strong signs that someone may be a different type of mistake than what came before.  This chapter is outlined and will be the topic of a podcast in January 2019. At that time it will be completed.

Chapter Nine: When It’s Time To Let Go and Reject The Rejecter

This chapter instructs the reader to learn from their relationship history by developing new standards, limits and boundaries. It explains what a healthy relationship looks like. It shows the reader how to move on while learning the lessons of the past. The ultimate goal of the reader is achieved: rejecting the rejecter!

Bibliography

Will include an extensive bibliography and resources.

[1] Da Capo Press (April 2009).

[2] The “Getting Past Your Past” blog became the “Getting Past Your Breakup” blog after the release of the book.

[3] Publisher’s Weekly, December 1, 2014 review of Getting Back Out There: Successful Dating and Finding Real Love After the Big Breakup (Da Capo 2015).

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