Dear Bananahead (or Bananaheadette)

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

It’s been almost five years since I first wrote this and I get a request for it every few months, so here it is again:

bananaheadThis is a convenient cut and paste for everyone who wants to go back to/stay with/can’t stop thinking about a bananahead. Simply cut and paste in the areas that apply to your situation and then either email it to the bananahead or, better yet, print it out and soak it with tears and then send it in real mail. Don’t forget the hearts and kisses.

Dear Bananahead:

Have you told you lately how much I love you and want to be with you? No? Well, here it is.

Even though you:

1) treat me like crap
2) ignore me
3) cheated on me
4) broke up with me for no reason
5) all the above

I am convinced that you are

1) such a catch/brass ring/prize
2) the greatest person in the universe
3) the light of my life
4) a wonderland
5) all the above

I am sure of this because:

1) I have no self-esteem
2) I am a raging codependent
3) I like to be mistreated
4) Damn, I like a good challenge!
5) All of the above

It is impossible for me to keep from contacting you. Therefore, I am choosing to contact you, chase you and

1) plead with you pretty please stop acting like this
2) yell at you in the hopes you turn into what I want to think you are
3) lecture at you to show you I really mean it dammit
4) show you how much I love you and only you because you are so hot
5) All of the above. Preferably at the same time.

To have you and only you, I am giving up all hope of ever having:

1) a happy life
2) a loving mate
3) a healthy relationship
4) the respect of my friends and family
5) all of the above

It is my fervent hope that you end:

1) your silence
2) your confusion
3) your denial that we are meant to be
4) your relationship with someone else
5) all of the above

But if you don’t, it’s okay because:

1) you are wonderful and I am pitiful
2) you are really great and not worth giving up even though you don’t give me a single iota of attention
3) moving on is hard work and I’d rather chase after you than save myself and build my own life
4) why not?
5) all of the above

So I am sending this via:

1) email
2) mail
3) series of texts
4) Facebook status
5) all of the above

I hope you never think that:

1) I have standards or boundaries or self-respect
2) I will ever ask to be treated differently
3) You can’t get away with everything and more
4) You have to show me, in any way shape or form, that you care

Because:

1) I don’t
2 I won’t
3) You can
4) You don’t

I hope you know that I will be here waiting whenever you decide to grace me with your mighty presence for that is the only time I really feel

1) alive
2) well
3) human
4) itchy

Until then, take care of your precious self. I will be here continuing to wait on you, pine for you and throw away my life.

Much love and caring,

YOUR NAME AND ALL YOUR IDENTITY AND SELF-RESPECT HERE


COPYRIGHT @ 2011 Getting Past Your Past Productions

Trying to save the world from one bananahead at a time.

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About Susan J. Elliott

Author, Attorney, Grief Counselor, Media Commentator, Motivational Speaker, Relationship Expert, Breakup Coach BA English Mount Holyoke College, magna cum laude, High Honors, Phi Beta Kappa M.Ed., Counseling Psychology, Cambridge College J.D. University of California, Berkeley Licensed to practice law in federal and state courts in NY. Licensed but Inactive in Texas and District of Columbia Creator of the Getting Past Your Past and Getting Past Your Breakup programs, seminars, workshops, bootcamps, videos, blogs and podcasts Author of Getting Past Your Breakup, Getting Back Out There and the GPYP Workbook
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