If you want to know the FB Group Guidelines before joining, they are here – the only thing I have redacted are the co-mods names (which you can find out once you join) to protect their privacy. The Facebook Group is a CLOSED group and no one on your regular friends list can see it. To join click http://www.facebook.com/groups/gettingpastyourbreakup
- That the philosophy of the program, the message, does not get diluted; and
- That the group members are safe from spammers, scammers, drama kings and queens.
Who Are We?
Our Most Important Caveat
Guide for New Members – How To Settle In
History of the Getting Past Your Breakup Blog —> Facebook Group
What GPYB is and is NOT
General Posting Guidelines:
- What you hear here and who you see here, stays here. Do not break group confidentiality, do not share materials. Any breach of confidentiality will result in your removal from the group. We don’t gossip here. This is a group about becoming emotionally healthy and gossip has NO PLACE here.
- Deletions are not personal. We understand that group members sometimes forget the Guidelines or post something that they thought as okay, but now it’s not. Sometimes people are not sure why their post was deleted. Please ask if you don’t know. Long-time members and even the moderators have had replies and posts deleted. Mistakes happen…we get that. If we delete your post, we just forget it and move on. If you’re a good and trusted group member, no harm, no foul – but if you’re a spammer/scammer/nogoodnik – you will be gone.
- If a post, an article, a website, a book etc is NOT in the bibliographies of the books or on the list of GPYB Recommends, please DM the ADMIN of the group and ONLY the Admin (do not ask the moderators about it) to ask about the author or the book or whatever resource it is. If you post something that we are not familiar with and didn’t ask OR it leads you to something to purchase, we will delete the post. Whatever it is you are recommended should be very GPYB compatible and not a rehash of every other thing. Remember the new members when you think about asking to post something. They don’t know the guidelines yet and they probably don’t know the program yet. We don’t want to confuse them or lead them to think we endorse something that we do not. Unless it’s something that is incredibly “can’t do without this,” we really don’t need it here. And the time it takes us to read what you are recommending is time that takes away from the group.
- We have recently changed the policy about outside links. Because there had been so many links posted, it required the moderators to go look at them, deem them suitable and come back. It became SO time consuming and we were not supporting members – just checking links. Therefore we have decided that outside links are not allowed for the most part. There is a list of GPYB – approved and recommended books, authors and some “self-care” items recommended by members. They are HERE.
- Also, if your post mentions an article and an author, and the author includes a “program” or some other thing for sale, it is not allowed…it is considered spamming, even if it’s a helpful article. We do not want to direct group members to outside websites that require payment of some kind. We have had MANY MANY MANY “self-help gurus” try to come into the group and peddle their wares. Most we catch when they apply but some get in and when they start posting, we figure it out. We do not go to other groups to advertise this one or the books so we don’t tolerate it here. If the guru has a book and it’s on the GPYB Recommends page OR in the bibliography of GPYB or GBOT, you can mention the book, but not the guru’s services. We must be clear to newcomers that we are NOT affiliated with any outside organizations or individuals.
- No colored backgrounds or large fonts and every quote must have attribution or it doesn’t get to stay. If there is no “author” to a post or a clue as to where it came from, we can’t tell the difference between something you took from Pinterest or something you made yourself with a colored background and fonts. ANY POST OF A QUOTE WITHOUT ATTRIBUTION ALL BY ITSELF WILL BE DELETED. If you want to say, “I read this quote the other say and I don’t know who said it, but I like it….” do that in a normal sized post. That is fine. A quote all by itself in a large font and colored background is NOT OKAY. Try to avoid “bumper sticker philosophy” posts, Pinterest posts, memes etc (except in the Funnies group). We prefer personal, substantive experience, though you are welcome to type out quotes that have helped you personally.
- We try to avoid profanity, text speak and insulting your ex(who may be a gigantic bananahead and calling him or her a bananahead is okay but we are about focusing on US, not focusing on them. ) This also means the ex’s new partner…please do not call this person a name (ladies, this especially means you). You can describe behaviors and you can reach out for help for specific circumstances and instances but we are about our OWN personal growth...not to insult the bananahead. Any over-the-top insults or name calling will result in the entire post being deleted. Anything stronger than bananahead is generally frowned upon. Please avoid over-the-top hateful monikers for your ex. It just isn’t necessary.
- DO NOT write “following”as a comment to a post. It bumps it to the top and when you only have so many minutes in the day to read the group, it’s important that the most recent comments are at the top.
- RESPECT COPYRIGHT – both here and of other authors. We have seen scanned images from books without naming the book or the author. If the book is on the GPYB Recommended list, the author and book must get attribution otherwise it will be deleted. If the author or book is NOT on the GPYB Recommends page and you think it should be, send a PM to the Admin and let her know. Otherwise, do not post it. DO NOT copy GPYB materials ANYWHERE. Please report to us any pirated copies you know of or sources of pirated copies.
- Do not post any screen shots of texts where the other person is clearly identified and they are not a member of the group.Those are deleted immediately.
- While we don’t delete screen shots of texts where your ex is NOT identified, there is really no reason to post those, especially if it’s only one sentence. We recommend blocking and deleting your ex, but bringing their texts into the group brings that into your safe space. We recommend that you NOT do that. It’s just not healthy.
- Do not ever send spammy messages to anyone you don’t know outside this group (in other words, you only know them from this group). This includes these nonsensical “share this photo so this dying child can get some kind of transplant.” There will be no warnings about this. If you do this, and someone reports you to the mods, you will be removed. No second chances. No ifs ands or buts.
- DO NOT make yourself unavailable to the mods or admin. Meaning, don’t block us. Some members have tried to do this in the past so that the admin and mods can’t read “controversial” or spammy posts. If you block the mods, we remove you.
- If you have an app you like, you can name it but no links to apps please. Even free apps can have ads on them. We just can’t spend our time making sure the group members are not being fed spam. That will KILL the group. Think about the brand new member coming into the group and seeing post after post that originates SOMEPLACE else….they aren’t familiar with the philosophy of the group…they’re just seeing a bunch of links and quotes. Please don’t dilute the purpose of the group.
- We try to go easy on newcomers, but there is a lot of tough love here. If you’re a sensitive apple blossom, this may not be the place for you. The program is not for everyone. Just those getting serious about getting healthy and leaving an ungrateful, unloving bananahead behind. This group is about grieving this relationship while being good to you, learning what you need to know, learning what healthy love is all about.
- HOWEVER, there is a big difference between tough love and insulting, snarky comments. Avoid the latter!
- You will read, throughout the Guidelines, if this not for you, LEAVE. That’s because we understand this group might not be for everyone (well, we know that by those who have come and gone). You don’t need to make a huge deal about how the group is not for you and we won’t make a huge deal about you not being for us. No long dramatic posts about why you are leaving. Just leave.
- We have a very entertaining Funnies group listed in the Resources….but please make sure what you post there is FUNNY. It’s not a way to sneak in “inspirational” memes or the like. While humor is very subjective, refrain from anything that may or may not be funny. It MUST be funny to go in the Funnies group. If you want to while away the time with inspirational memes, we have 2 Pinterest boards or you can make your own Pinterest board.
- Politics and weapons are never okay. Religion/Spirituality is a bit more complicated.
- Politics are NEVER EVER okay. You may mention in passing that you went to vote or something to that effect, but not who you voted for or what your views are. Politics are especially forbidden. PLEASE DO NOT POST POLITICAL POSTS AT ALL EVER. Any post mentioning or even hinting at political discussion will be deleted.
- Weapons – photos of – are NEVER EVER okay.We talk about anger but please no posts that show shooting ranges or anything like that. Nothing that involves weapons is allowed here. If you post a photo of you at a shooting range, we will remove it and may remove you.
- Please do not mention religious organizations no matter how non-profit, with the exception of the 12-step programs and their alternatives like Rational Recovery. GPYB takes no position on these programs and if they help you, please speak only from personal experience. Many authors like Melody Beattie, Pia Mellody and Robin Norwood are on our lists of suggested resources and each one beats the drum of 12-steps and spirituality. While we recommend these books as classic tomes of recovery, we do not espouse the same (or any) religious or spiritual bend. Some people consider 12-step programs to be religious organizations, but their success can’t be denied.
- We invite all people of all faiths, agnostics and atheists. We take no position on religion or spirituality. You are absolutely invited to speak of your experience with faith or praying, but please do not ever tell someone to pray, to find religion, find the Lord, or pray or read the Bible. That is not acceptable. Many members may balk at the religiosity of the 12-step programs and have found recovery in alternate programs and you are welcome to talk of your own, personal experience with that. Other non-profits that have nothing to do with issues and subjects our group members are here about will be deleted.
- It is okay to talk about how your faith or involvement in a church or ministry counseling has helped you, but not in a proselytizing way. It’s not okay to post something that is overtly religious without more. It is NOT okay to tell someone to pray or trust God or trust God’s plan or let go and let God. That is NOT okay. It’s okay to talk about incidents that take place in church or church-related event. That is all fine. It’s even okay to say, “I’ll pray for you.” and it’s okay to QUALIFY a religious suggestion “If you are a religious person, maybe you should pray on it.” but not okay to say “Pray on it and have faith that God will provide.”
- Please be aware that this is a LARGE, DIVERSE group and your God might not be everyone’s God and your belief system is not theirs. You are welcome to say, “I am a practicing (Catholic, Zen Buddhist, Muslim, Jew, Southern Baptist, or generic Christian or Buddhist etc) and I believe x, y, z” in explaining your own situation, but not to use the tenets of your faith to negatively comment on someone else’s post (example: someone posts about a divorce and you say, “As a [whatever] I don’t believe in divorce.” That sounds judge-y and not okay.)
- If someone identifies as an atheist or agnostic, it is not okay to suggest they find faith or religion or spirituality. We assume everyone has made an informed, personal choice and it’s not for anyone else to challenge that choice.
Inclusion and Not Exclusion
- The books and program are gender neutral, sexual orientation neutral, length of relationship neutral – to reach anyone anywhere who has gone through a breakup and must grieve the loss of that relationship.
- GPYB (the book) was the VERY first of its kind to think outside the box of the typical self-help book reader, heterosexual women between the ages of 25 and 55. GPYB has a readership of 35 percent male which is very high and has a large number of gay and lesbian readers because it does not use gender-specific pronouns or refer to couples as exclusively male and female. It was not easy to write the books that way…many sentences had to be rewritten and others tossed entirely. But we are COMMITTED to INCLUSION, not EXCLUSION.
- Any post condemning same sex relationships or gender bashing will be deleted immediately and the poster may be removed and banned (depending on how egregious the statement).
- Gender bashing or posting with “baiting” or antagonistic subject will not be tolerated.This group is about healing. We are here to help, to support and to occasionally “tough love” someone who is veering off into unhealthy behaviors – we are not here to enable but we are not here to antagonize either. Please do NOT generalize…do not say “Women are like that… ” or “It’s a guy thing…” Even if true, we want to avoid those kinds of stereotypes and generalizations.Note:misogyny doesn’t fall into this category as it is something that both men and women can be guilty of (hatred of women) and we do want to call out misogyny.
Playing Well With Others
- It is extremely important that we all stay civil and understanding. Sometimes it’s hard to not be snippy when you’re not feeling happy, but maintaining a supportive atmosphere is important. If someone replies to your post in a way that upsets, offends or bothers you, please address the person directly or, if you don’t want to, please let one of the moderators/admins know. If someone’s comment to someone else bothers you, please alert one of the mods. Please DO NOT interject or insert yourself into their discussion.
- VERY IMPORTANT: We are about the PROCESS of grieving a loss (or other unresolved losses as well as GPYB and GBOT and the workbook explain). We are all on a different path but we should all be dedicated to healing. There is a back and forth and sometimes complete recycling but we should be DOING THE WORK.We can vent, cry, get angry etc., but please share your process with the group as well. If you are stuck, we will nudge you. If you need help, let us know. If you seem to be in one place or in a self-destructive cycle, you may hear some tough love from the group. If you are someone who feels you need to give tough love, try to be as helpful as you can.
- We can agree to disagree without being disagreeable. Personal attacks will not be tolerated. Trolling or being overly antagonistic won’t be tolerated. Being overly antagonistic or overly emotional are two ends of the spectrum…extremes do not do well here. Again, tough love and telling someone something they might not necessarily want to hear is part of the group, but being antagonistic for no reason is not. There may or may not be a warning before you are removed from the group. Many times someone’s comment will cause a lot of messages to the admins and we just delete the comment and sometimes remove and block the member.
- At the same time, be mindful not to start “this is a rude comment” or “this is not being sensitive” when you read comments directed at others. Please do not elect yourself arbiter of others’ comments directed at someone else.If the comments are too harsh or inappropriate, you should email one of the group mods if you feel it is against Group Guidelines or you should wait and see if the person the comments are directed at have any issues with them.
- Telling others how to comment is not okay in most cases. Run it past group moderators if you think something is out of line. Don’t jump in with “friendly reminders” to be gentle/sensitive/nice etc. Tell a mod if you think things are inappropriate. At the same time, please refrain from judging the group as a whole. If this is not the place for you, please leave without fanfare. Try to comment to the person who posted, not to other commenters (unless it’s positive). That helps keep a nice atmosphere.
- We’ve asked MANY TIMES and it occurs over and over again: please do not post that you’ve “noticed” X happening in the group and this is your take on it and whatever it is is something you’re judging the group on. We ask that you not do this. It has caused rifts in the group and people simply don’t like it. Even if we (the admin and mods) agree with you, we’re going to delete it.
- Similarly, blaming the victim will not be tolerated. Starting posts with “I don’t like x about the group” or “I don’t like the posts I’ve read lately about….” will most likely bring about a very contentious thread and there are other ways to express things like that. Please don’t take the entire group to task.If you don’t like a tone or an attitude, please do not generalize or paint the entire group with a broad brush. If it is TRULY the whole group that upsets you, you don’t have to be here.
- If you’re going to argue with another member about anything for a prolonged time (more than 2 or 3 posts), please take it to DM. If you are not comfortable with DM, then please shut it down early. If you are disagreeing with another member, TAKE IT TO DM especially if you are hijacking someone else’s post.
- Everyone is entitled to private message another member. If someone requests private messaging or email addresses, it’s up to you to give it or not. If you’re unsure who this person is, if they’ve been here a while and post, let one of us know and we will give you our opinion (troll, stalker or just a nice person).
- If someone has befriended you in the group but the private friendship has become too much for whatever reason, gently direct them back to the group. Everyone here is dealing with their own stuff. No one is responsible for the well-being of anyone else. We are a MUTUAL support group…meaning we are here for each other. If someone is incapable of giving support, that is okay for a short while, but everyone needs to be giving and receiving after a while.
- DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT “hit” on (flirt/make overtures to etc) someone in comments.I would prefer you don’t do it at all without knowing the person, but FFS, PLEASE don’t do it in the group. If someone does it to you PRIVATELY and you’re uncomfortable, let us know…send me whatever they sent you and we’ll handle it. If any member of the group harasses you or annoys you privately, please let us know. We do not prohibit private relationships or friendships (of course!) but if a member of the group is privately spamming, harassing or annoying, please let us know and he or she will be removed. And sometimes “I think you’re beautiful” can be unwelcome and make someone uncomfortable. This is someone coming out of a relationship.
Introducing : YOU!!!
- When you come into the group, please familiarize yourself with the materials available and the GPYB philosophy – if you don’t already know it. Please do not spring into the group and post within the first hour. Please spend a few days reading posts and doing searches in the group on topics you’re curious about. It’s fine to ask a question that has been asked many times before, but you will often save yourself time by searching in the group.
- Introduction post: Please tell us who you are, where you are from, how long you were in the relationship that brought you here,where you are in the books and what is the biggest challenge that you are facing now and what is your hope in joining the group.
- If you don’t mention how long you’ve been broken up, whether or not you’re in therapy or support groups, what work you’ve done or where you are in the program/books, someone will most likely ask (this is another reason reading through the posts is helpfuL) If we ask you that question, we are NOT INTERROGATING YOU! We are simply trying to be efficient and not respond with things you’ve already done or not suggest something that is very advanced if you’re just starting out. We ask the questions to better support you, not to upset you. Otherwise your post devolves into 20 questions and neither you nor we want that.
- Please do not turn comments off on your post. If you want to delete the post, do so. If things are getting heated on a post, please let one of the mods know, but please don’t turn off comments on your own post especially if things are NOT getting heated.
- If you want to talk about custody, visitation, support, tell us what country and/or state and/or province etc. you are in as the laws vary wildly.
- Please try to keep the focus on you. We have no idea why your ex does anything.
- A bit more involved: This is not the “what is wrong with my ex” group. It is a group mostly about focusing on YOU. Yes, if you are involved with an alcoholic, abuser, narcissist, sociopath, it’s important to know these people don’t change. It’s okay to talk about what grief they’ve brought/bring you in CONTEXT of what is going on with you and your efforts to change. It’s important sometimes for us to remind you that your ex is x-disordered and this behavior is horrible and you need to set boundaries etc., but that happens in the grand scheme of changing and growing and we get that. But if you constantly focus on your ex or constantly want us to tell you what is wrong with him/her, the posts will be deleted. Newcomers get some slack but if you are here for months and are still talking about your ex and not about you except to say “I would never act like that,” this is NOT the place for you.
- If your ex is in the group and was here first, we kindly ask that you leave the group. Following an ex to this group for the purpose of following someone who is NC will not be tolerated. If you want to post and your ex (who you didn’t know was here) responds, please let us know. If you are posting personal information, please check the membership to be sure your ex isn’t here. If your ex is, we can check the membership dates and remove the person who came second. This is especially true if you are trying to practice NC and/or your ex is harassing you. Please let us know. This MUST be a safe space for you! Please email the ADMIN and the ADMIN ONLY to see if your ex is here. The moderators don’t need to deal with this.
- If you’re unsure about something/someone/posting etc., please msg the mods.If you ever have an issue with posting something because it’s embarrassing, you are free to email me (Susan) but I will either answer in discussion in the group and not in private email or maybe even write a blog post with your question included (but all identifying information removed). Just be sure to write: okay to post on the group with identifying information removed at the beginning.
- Finally, if you decide to leave please don’t announce it to everyone and then days later decide you want to come back.Many members of the group have had more than enough experience with yo-yo-ing exes and don’t need yo-yo-ing group members making huge proclamations and then returning days later. If you decide to leave, please do so and please don’t request to come back days later. If you need a break, take one. If you’re leaving, leave. If you’re staying stay. Pick one.
Giving Back To The Group
- When you are on your way to healing, please remember to reach out to others, as they did to you when you first got here. It is very important to give back. Being healthy is about both giving and getting support. Please do not disappear from the group when you feel better. If we did that no one would have been here when you got here….STICKING AROUND when the agonizing beginning is over, is SO HELPFUL and we are GRATEFUL. No pain, no gain but no pain in vain. Your pain was very real – your did not hurt for no reason. You are healing and you are getting well…but don’t let your pain be without additional value…share it with someone who is NOW in the spot where you once were…share the wisdom of walking through that pain and reaching the other side … as we have done for you. Please do not forget the group when you move on …newcomers need you!!!!
- There are many free materials that have been developed over the past 25 years. GPYB is a proprietary, copyrighted program and book… please do not share the materials that DO cost money. A good percentage of all profits goes to the GPYB Domestic Violence Scholarship Fund and to run the sites and give back to others.
- Please purchase the books and workbook and do not accept pirated copies and please report bootleg copies to us.
- ****IMPORTANT: If you get even one minute of help from the group, please show your gratitude by REVIEWING the books (both of them). You do NOT need to use your own name to review on Amazon or Barnes & Noble etc. If you are not on those sites, please go to Good Reads or other review sites and leave a review (or be an extra good do-bee and put reviews in both places!)**** If you are IN a brick and mortar book store or store where books are sold, please request that they carry the books.
- PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO THE YOUTUBE CHANNEL and when you watch the videos, PLEASE REMEMBER TO LIKE EACH ONE (and comment when you can).
- PLEASE RATE AND REVIEW AND FOLLOW THE PODCAST ON YOUR PREFERRED PLATFORM
- PLEASE LIKE THE PODCAST FB PAGE AND FOLLOW ON TWITTER (@meanpodcast)
- PLEASE FOLLOW THE PROGRAM ON TWITTER (@gpyb1) and LIKE the GPYB FB page
- If you hear a podcast you really like or read an article you really like or like the videos, PLEASE social share with your friends and others who may be hurting. At the bottom of EVERY POST on the GPYB website are SOCIAL SHARE buttons… please spread the word about the program, the books, the articles, the podcasts, the videos to others who are hurting or may have friends and relatives who are hurting. Spread the word!
- If you share the materials, PLEASE make sure the author’s attribution is there and that you give credit to the group, the program, the videos, podcasts etc. Please do not remove the author’s name or links to the material.
- THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE!!!*******