Facebook Group Guidelines

If you want to know the FB Group Guidelines before joining, they are here – the only thing I have redacted are the co-mods names (which you can find out once you join) to protect their privacy. The Facebook Group is a CLOSED group and no one on your regular friends list can see it.  To join click http://www.facebook.com/groups/gettingpastyourbreakup


This is a modified version of the FB Guidelines which is updated regularly. When you join the group, please see the most current version.

Welcome! THESE ARE THE GROUP GUIDELINES. They are here to keep the group safe and secure and on message. Please DO NOT POST until you have read what to do BEFORE your first post and FOR your first post. If your first post indicates you haven’t read any of this, it will be deleted.

We’ve only been here since the spring of 2017 and yes, we’ve had drama and we don’t LIKE drama, so if you don’t like drama, read the Group Guidelines and stay. If you do like drama, please go. There are a gazillion FB groups you can join.

We do a lot of things differently here, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read the guidelines – they are below and numbered.

***This is a CLOSED group. If you post to the group, YOU will see it on your timeline but no one else will. Do not panic but make sure you’re IN the group when you post. iF you want to be extra careful, you can set your timeline posts to be visible to ONLY YOU. After you post something  on your TL that has nothing to do with breakups, check your settings and change it to friends, friends of friends or the public. It takes a few posts to remember this step, but it’s worth it. **


There is a purpose to the group. We are a support and self development group for people experiencing breakup and working through the Getting Past Your Breakup program which is the most successful program for healing from a breakup and moving on to healthier relationship.

We base our work on Susan Elliott’s videos, blog posts and books – GPYB, GBOT and GPYP workbook. Please do not post until you have started to take a look at them. Because the group is getting so large, we want to allow everyone to vent/post BUT the group must stay focused on the group’s charter/philosophy. Therefore, we may need to delete posts from people who have not read the guidelines or understand the group philosophy.

This is a long document but it is FULL of information and links you can use, so read through it at least once if you want to be a productive, helpful, healing member of the group. SO PLEASE READ:

If you write “What is GBOT?” or “What book?” etc….we KNOW you haven’t read these Guidelines….so PLEASE read these guidelines.

The full list of GPYP/GBYB/GBOT Resources available in one place is HERE

Please find the LOCATION post and tell us where you’re from!

PLEASE spend a few hours reading POSTS before you post anything. If you are new to the group, we want to welcome you but you have to show you a) read the guidelines and b) read several posts. Yes, we know you are hurting and yes we know you might want to jump in and introduce yourself and your situation, but honestly, the people who take the time to read the guidelines and some posts do the BEST.

The GPYB blog has existed for over 10 years and once had a very lively community. In the past few years commenting has gone down due to registration issues with Word Press. Therefore we decided to move the support group over  to Facebook.

The blog community was supportive, understanding, loving and yet did not enable…tough love came through. I would like this group to mirror the wonderful community the blog was for years. If you were a member of the blog and didn’t use FB (many gave it up to do NC) please email me and I will approve you. To keep the group safe we do not, as a rule, approve people who have just joined FB and have no friends. That could be a fake account, but if you were a blog member and are joining FB just to be in the group, email me.

GPYB/GBOT/GPYP is a PROGRAM. It is the most successful program for getting over breakups. It works if you work it.

***It is not about learning to be friends with your ex.

***It is not about asking your ex for closure.

***It is not about reconciliation.

There is a CLEAR ROADMAP IN THE BOOKS and the workbook.

This group exists SOLEY for READERS of the books who want to ask questions as they go along their breakup journey and how the books/videos/workbook can work in your personal framework. If you want a general breakup group where you can whine and moan and not progress, this isn’t it.

We say that for those who might find this group too weird or strict or “not for me.” That is FINE….different strokes y’all….but this group is for THOSE WHO READ OR ARE READING THE BOOKS and WANT MORE HELP AND SUPPORT and EXPLANATION.

You will read, throughout the guidelines, if this not for you, LEAVE. That’s because we understand this group might not be for everyone (well, we know that by those who have come and gone). You don’t need to make a huge deal about how the group is not for you and we won’t make a huge deal about you not being for us.


As a member, please do not offer advice that is contrary to the program. Yes, it’s structured, yes some things are black and white but IT WORKS. It’s THE most successful program for getting past a breakup.

BUT, it’s NO NONSENSE. If you’re a sensitive apple blossom, this may not be the place for you. The program is not for everyone. Just those getting serious about getting healthy and leaving an ungrateful, unloving bananahead behind. This group is about grieving this relationship while being good to you, learning what you need to know, learning what healthy love is all about, .

Without further ado (I know, there’s been a lot of ado), the guidelines for the group are:

GROUP GUIDELINES – please do not post without reading this THROUGH

  1. We have recently changed the policy of links. Because there have been so many links posted which require the moderators to go look at them, deem them suitable and come back, we have decided that outside links are not allowed for the most part. If you really like an article that is in keeping with this group’s philosophies, please send it to one of the mods.  However, WE cannot be inundated behind the scenes as we could not in the group. Please only use this for absolutely fantastic, can’t get any better than this, posts. 

  2. Please…after you read these guidelines and spend a few days reading the group…please tell us about YOU.

  3. No colored backgrounds and large fonts and every quote must have attribution or it doesn’t get to stay. If there is no “author” to a post or a clue as to where it came from, we can’t tell the difference between something you took from Pinterest or something you made yourself with a colored background and fonts. ANY POST OF A QUOTE WITHOUT ATTRIBUTION ALL BY ITSELF WILL BE DELETED. If you want to say, “I read this quote the other say and I don’t know who said it, but I like it….” do that in a normal sized post. That is fine. A quote all by itself in a large font and colored background is NOT OKAY. We try to avoid a lot of bumper sticker quotations, memes and Pinterest posts. We prefer personal, substantive experience, though you are welcome to type out quotes that have helped you personally.

  4. Do not ever send spammy messages to anyone you don’t know outside this group (in other words, you only know them from this group). This includes these nonsensical “share this photo so this dying child can get some kind of transplant.” There will be no warnings about this. If you do this, and someone reports you to the mods, you will be removed. No second chances. No ifs ands or buts.

  5. You can describe a page or quote from it or name a “guru” without linking to them but please do not mention those selling goods or services. Please do not mention religious or political organizations no matter how non-profit, with the exception of the 12-step programs and their alternatives like Rational Recovery. GPYB takes no position on these programs and if they help you, please speak only from personal experience. Many authors like Melody Beattie, Pia Mellody and Robin Norwood are on our lists of suggested resources and each one beats the drum of 12-steps and spirituality. While we recommend these books as classic tomes of recovery, we do not espouse the same (or any) religious or spiritual bend. Some people consider 12-step programs to be religious organizations, but their success can’t be denied. We accept all people of all faiths, agnostics and atheists. We take no position on religion or spirituality, but we will not stand for posts telling people to pray. You can (OF COURSE) talk about your own faith and f in prayer, but please do not command others to find religion, find the Lord, or pray or read the Bible. That is not acceptable. Many members may balk at the religiosity of the 12-step programs and have found recovery in alternate programs and you are welcome to talk of your own, personal experience with that. Other non-profits that have nothing to do with issues and subjects our group members are here about will be deleted.

  6. If you have an app you like, you can name it but no links to apps please. Even free apps can have ads on them. We just can’t spend our time making sure the group members are not being fed spam. That will KILL the group because we just don’t have time to monitor all that. Every time you post something with the name of a page or a link, we have to go look at it. If it is commercial in any way, we delete it. Think about the brand new member coming into the group and seeing post after post that originates SOMEPLACE else….they aren’t familiar with the philosophy of the group…they’re just seeing a bunch of links and quotes. Please don’t dilute the purpose of the group.

  7. DO NOT make yourself unavailable to the mods or admin. Meaning, don’t block us. If you show up on the “unavailable” list because you have blocked us, we remove you from the group. Some members have tried to do this in the past so that the admin and mods can’t read “controversial” or spammy posts. If you block the admins, we remove you.

  8. Do not post any screen shots of texts where the other person is clearly identified and they are not a member of the group. Those are deleted immediately. Please do not reference or identify your ex by name – even first name. But absolutely NO posting of text message exchanges where the other person is plainly identified.
  9. AFTER you have read these guidelines to the BOTTOM of this page, and spent some time reading the group posts, please then (and only then) write your
  10. Introduction post: Please tell us who you are, where you are from, what you do for a living, if you have your own business what is it but no spamming or links (if someone is interested in what you sell, they can contact you privately), how long you were in the relationship that brought you here, where you are in the books and what is the biggest challenge that you are facing now and what is your hope in joining the group.
  11. Please try to keep the focus on you. We have no idea why your ex does anything.
  12. Please do not turn comments off on your post. If you want to delete the post, do so. If things are getting heated on a post, please let one of the mods know, but please don’t turn off comments on your own post especially if things are NOT getting heated.
  13. Please do not post any articles, videos, suggestions for books, to the group that are opposite of the GPYB/GBOT/GPYP philosophy (i.e. getting back your ex). SPAM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AT ALL OR FOR ANY REASON and you will be immediately banned. Please see the file or click the link for “GPYB Recommends…” for suggested books, articles, authors etc. If you want to recommend a book, please check if it is in the bibliography of the books (both GPYB and GBOT have extensive bibliographies) or on the list of GPYB Recommends (there are many of the same books on both lists. If you have recommendations, let us know)
  14. Also, if you post mention of an article and an author, and the author includes a “program” or some other thing for sale, it is not allowed…it is considered spamming, even if it’s a helpful article. We do not want to direct group members to outside websites that require payment of some kind. We have had MANY MANY MANY “self-help gurus” try to come into the group and peddle their wares. Most we catch when they apply but some get in and when they start posting, we figure it out. We do not go to other groups to advertise this one or the books so we don’t tolerate it here.
  15. We try to avoid profanity, text speak and insulting your ex (who may be a gigantic bananahead and calling him or her a bananahead is okay but we are about focusing on US, not focusing on them. ) This also means the ex’s new partner…please do not call this person a name (ladies, this especially means you). You can describe behaviors and you can reach out for help for specific circumstances and instances but we are about our OWN personal growth…not to insult the bananahead. Any over-the-top insults or name calling will result in the entire post being deleted. Anything stronger than bananahead is generally frowned upon. Please avoid over-the-top hateful monikers for your ex. It just isn’t necessary.
  16. Please refrain from using background colors and large type for your posts. We know you are hurting, but this is a LARGE group and everyone has the right to share a status and one should not stand out more than others. Please just type into the status box without colors or large fonts or backgrounds. Otherwise it will become very cluttered with all kinds of backgrounds and fonts and that’s not okay. It would become VERY difficult to read** No posts with quotes on them with colored backgrounds and large fonts and no attribution. I know sometimes quotes come from another page or pinterest and we usually let those go IF the source is not commercial but if there is nothing, just a quote with no author or no origination, it seems as if you wrote it. These will be deleted as they are getting to be too much and I just want everyone to be aware of this.
  17. If you take something from another group or page or website or pinterest, it should have attribution. If it’s YOUR post it should not be on a colored background with a large font.
  18. Please DO NOT write “following” as a comment to a post. It bumps it to the top and when you only have so many minutes in the day to read the group, it’s important that the most recent comments are at the top.
  19. This is not a “I want to reconcile” group. It’s just not.
  20. If you want to talk about custody, visitation, support, tell us what country and/or state and/or province etc. you are in as the laws vary wildly.
  21. A bit more involved: This is not the “what is wrong with my ex” group. It is a group mostly about focusing on YOU. Yes, if you are involved with an alcoholic, abuser, narcissist, sociopath, it’s important to know these people don’t change. It’s okay to talk about what grief they’ve brought/bring you in CONTEXT of what is going on with you and your efforts to change. It’s important sometimes for us to remind you that your ex is x-disordered and this behavior is horrible and you need to set boundaries etc., but that happens in the grand scheme of changing and growing and we get that. But if you constantly focus on your ex or constantly want us to tell you what is wrong with him/her, the posts will be deleted. Newcomers get some slack but if you are here for months and are still talking about your ex and not about you except to say “I would never act like that,” this is NOT the place for you. This group is for those who want to change and are committed to change. If you want to figure out why your ex does what your ex does to the exclusion of what the hell you’re doing, this is NOT the group for you.
  22. If a post, an article, a website, a book etc is NOT in the bibliographies of the books or on the list of GPYB Recommends, please DM the ADMIN of the group and ask about the author or the book or whatever resource it is. If you post something that we are not familiar with and didn’t ask OR it leads you to something to purchase, we will delete the post. So please don’t ask where it went.
  23. If someone replies to your post in a way that upsets, offends or bothers you, please address the person directly or, if you don’t want to, please let one of the moderators/admins know. If someone’s comment to someone else bothers you, please alert one of the mods. Please DO NOT interject.
  24. Please try to avoid text speak (try to type out “you” and because etc) and avoid profanity as much as you can. We know this can be hard when you’re emotional but it helps create a nice space for everyone.Please keep a civil atmosphere. We can agree to disagree without being disagreeable. Personal attacks will not be tolerated. Trolling or being overly antagonistic won’t be tolerated. Being overly antagonistic or overly emotional are two ends of the spectrum…extremes do not do well here. Again, tough love and telling someone something they might not necessarily want to hear is part of the group, but being antagonistic for no reason is not. There may or may not be a warning before you are removed from the group. Many times someone’s comment will cause a lot of messages to the admins and we just delete the comment and sometimes remove and block the member.
  25. At the same time, be mindful not to start “this is a rude comment” or “this is not being sensitive” when you read comments directed at others. Please do not elect yourself arbiter of others’ comments directed at someone else. If the comments are too harsh or inappropriate, you should email one of the group mods if you feel it is against Group Guidelines or you should wait and see if the person the comments are directed at have any issues with them.
  26. Telling others how to comment is not okay in most cases. Run it past group moderators if you think something is out of line. Don’t jump in with “friendly reminders” to be gentle/sensitive/nice etc. Tell a mod if you think things are inappropriate. At the same time, please refrain from judging the group as a whole. If this is not the place for you, please leave without fanfare. Someone who elects themselves class monitor or hall monitor or cafeteria monitor is not going to have a positive experience. Try to comment to the person who posted, not to other commenters (unless it’s positive). That helps keep a nice atmosphere.
  27. In GBOT it talks about the Standards and Compatibility Inventory. It is IMPORTANT to understand that part of this is about understanding whether your boundaries and standards are reasonable TO YOU. It’s important, as it says in the book, NOT TO PUT YOUR BOUNDARIES AND STANDARDS TO A VOTE. And that means that we don’t get to decide, UNLESS ASKED, what is reasonable and unreasonable. Is someone overreacting or not. We are not voting on that UNLESS ASKED TO. There is a difference between asked for advice and unsolicited advice. Know the difference and don’t give the latter.
  28. We’ve asked MANY TIMES and it occurs over and over again: please do not post that you’ve “noticed” X happening in the group and this is your take on it and whatever it is is something you’re judging the group on. We ask that you not do this. It has caused rifts in the group and people simply don’t like it. Even if we (the admin and mods) agree with you, we’re going to delete it.
  29. If you’re going to argue with another member about anything for a prolonged time (more than 2 or 3 posts), please take it to DM. If you are not comfortable with DM, then please shut it down early. I HAVE HAD TO REMIND PEOPLE OF THIS RULE AGAIN AND AGAIN. If you are disagreeing with another member, TAKE IT TO DM especially if you are hijacking someone else’s post.
  30. Everyone is entitled to private message another member. I understand I have no control over that. You may form friendships. There were many many many friendships formed IRL from the blog and my seminars – and people who formed a bond on the blog and then met IRL in person either at a workshop or on their own. As I write about in GBOT in Annie’s story, she invited 2 blog members to her wedding. They had become friends on the blog, two of them met at a workshop, the 3 of them became best buds. She came to GPYB after a breakup, they helped her through, she met her husband (okay the story is in GBOT, read it! 🙂 ) These friendships happen and, for the most part, can be special. I do know of one that blew up because one person “played” at recovery and the other figured that out later rather than sooner. Anyway, that’s any group…
  31. If you are feeling suicidal or that you are going to hurt yourself or someone else, please call a helpline and see a therapist or GO TO YOUR LOCAL EMERGENCY ROOM. This group is not equipped to deal with that and you will frighten the members of this group who are dealing with their own burdens. Please do not hoist that on anyone here. PLEASE MAKE USE OF YOUR OWN LOCAL RESOURCES. We will delete the post and block you from the group.
  32. If someone requests private messaging or email addresses, it’s up to you to give it or not. If you’re unsure who this person is, if they’ve been here a while and post, let one of us know and we will give you our opinion (troll, stalker or just a nice person).
  33. If someone has befriended you in the group but the private friendship has become too much for whatever reason, gently direct them back to the group. Everyone here is dealing with their own stuff. No one is responsible for the well-being of anyone else. We are a MUTUAL support group…meaning we are here for each other. If someone is incapable of giving support, that is okay for a short while, but everyone needs to be giving and receiving after a while.
  34. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT “hit” on (flirt/make overtures to etc) someone in comments. I would prefer you don’t do it at all without knowing the person, but FFS, PLEASE don’t do it in the group. If someone does it to you PRIVATELY and you’re uncomfortable, let us know…send me whatever they sent you and we’ll handle it. If any member of the group harasses you or annoys you privately, please let us know. We do not prohibit private relationships or friendships (of course!) but if a member of the group is privately spamming, harassing or annoying, please let us know and he or she will be removed. And sometimes “I think you’re beautiful” can be unwelcome and make someone uncomfortable. This is someone coming out of a relationship.
  35. This is not the place for politics or religion. GPYB and GBOT are purposely apolitical and purposely non secular in order to be inclusive. This group should be the same.
  36. It is okay to talk about how your faith or involvement in a church or ministry counseling has helped you, but not in a proselytizing way. It’s not okay to post something that is overtly religious without more. It is NOT okay to tell someone to pray or trust God or trust God’s plan or let go and let God. That is NOT okay. It’s okay to talk about incidents that take place in church or church-related event. That is all fine. It’s even okay to say, “I’ll pray for you.” and it’s okay to QUALIFY a religious suggestion “If you are a religious person, maybe you should pray on it.” but not okay to say “Pray on it and have faith that God will provide.”
  37. Also please do not assume that everyone believes in the religion/deity you believe in or that everyone believes in a deity at all. Please do NOT post religious posts as your first few posts. Please do not post large swaths of Scripture or from the Bible. Please be aware that this is a LARGE, DIVERSE group and your God might not be everyone’s God.
  38. Politics are especially forbidden. PLEASE DO NOT POST POLITICAL POSTS AT ALL EVER. This group is about INCLUSION, NOT EXCLUSION.
  39. We talk about anger but please no posts that show shooting ranges or anything like that. Nothing – even you telling us how you release anger via shooting guns at a range – that involves weapons is allowed here. If you post a photo of you at a shooting range, we will remove it. NO WEAPONS EVER.
  40. Similarly to the “I’ve noticed” issue noted above, blaming the victim will not be tolerated. Starting posts with “I don’t like x about the group” or “I don’t like the posts I’ve read lately about….” will most likely bring about a very contentious thread and there are other ways to express things like that. Please don’t take the entire group to task. If you don’t like a tone or an attitude, please do not generalize or paint the entire group with a broad brush. If it is TRULY the whole group that upsets you, you don’t have to be here.
  41. VERY IMPORTANT: We are about the PROCESS of grieving a loss (or other unresolved losses as well as GPYB and GBOT and the workbook explain). We are all on a different path but we should all be dedicated to healing. There is a back and forth and sometimes complete recycling but we should be DOING THE WORK. We can vent, cry, get angry etc., but please share your process with the group as well. If you are stuck, we will nudge you. If you need help, let us know. If you seem to be in one place or in a self-destructive cycle, you may hear some tough love from the group. If you are someone who feels you need to give tough love, try to be as helpful as you can.
  42. Gender bashing or posting with “baiting” or antagonistic subject will not be tolerated. This group is about healing. We are here to help, to support and to occasionally “tough love” someone who is veering off into unhealthy behaviors – we are not here to enable but we are not here to antagonize either. Please do NOT generalize…do not say “Women are like that… ” or “It’s a guy thing…” Even if true, we want to avoid those kinds of stereotypes and generalizations.Note: misogyny doesn’t fall into this category as it is something that both men and women can be guilty of (hatred of women) and we do want to call out misogyny.
  43. If your ex is in the group and was here first, we kindly ask that you leave the group. Following an ex to this group for the purpose of following someone who is NC will not be tolerated. If you want to post and your ex (who you didn’t know was here) responds, please let us know. If you are posting personal information, please check the membership to be sure your ex isn’t here. If your ex is, we can check the membership dates and remove the person who came second. This is especially true if you are trying to practice NC and/or your ex is harassing you. Please let us know. This MUST be a safe space for you!
  44. If you’re unsure about something/someone/posting etc., please msg the mods.If you ever have an issue with posting something because it’s embarrassing, you are free to email me (Susan) but I will either answer in discussion in the group and not in private email or maybe even write a blog post with your question included (but all identifying information removed). Just be sure to write: okay to post on the group with identifying information removed at the beginning.
  45. Between the GPYB group, the GPYB page, and YouTube, I get a TON of emails. I can’t answer them. Please follow the instructions above if you’re not comfortable posting something. Sometimes I don’t get to answer for a few days and occasionally a few weeks. If you want to have an individual, private reply you can go to the GPYB blog and schedule email counseling on the page
  46. Finally, if you decide to leave please don’t announce it to everyone and then days later decide you want to come back. Many members of the group have had more than enough experience with yo-yo-ing exes and don’t need yo-yo-ing group members making huge proclamations and then returning days later. If you decide to leave, please do so and please don’t request to come back days later. If you need a break, take one. If you’re leaving, leave. If you’re staying stay. Pick one.
  47. Thank you for being here. If you get one minute of help from the group, please show your gratitude by REVIEWING the books (both of them), liking the GPYB FB page and the YouTube videos. Every little bit helps.
The author of the books and workbook, Susan Elliott, is the admin of the group. She is also a therapist and an attorney, but she is not your therapist or attorney. There does not exist a therapist/client relationship or an attorney/client relationship just by virtue of belonging to this group. I have to say that for legalities. I am not your therapist or your lawyer but I will share my experience and thoughts when I can.
T and B are co-mods because I am not available during the day. She was asked to be co-mod when I went back to work full-time and he worked the program and came out on the other side. They have both read the books and understand the philosophy and they work the program. Neither is a therapist but monitor for spam, harassment and people posting things that are not in keeping with the goals of the group…that’s IT. They were chosen for specific reasons. They are not therapists and their “advice” or feedback on your post carries no special meaning other than they understand GPYB and GBOT and may gently remind you how it works.
If you think this content would help someone, please share: