If you want to know the FB Group Guidelines before joining, they are here – the only thing I have redacted are the co-mods names (which you can find out once you join) to protect their privacy. The Facebook Group is a CLOSED group and no one on your regular friends list can see it. To join click http://www.facebook.com/groups/gettingpastyourbreakup
Welcome! THESE ARE THE GROUP GUIDELINES. Please read them BEFORE posting ANYTHING. We are a support and self development group for people experiencing breakup. We base our work on Susan Elliott’s videos, blog posts and books – GPYB, GBOT and GPYP workbook. Please do not post until you have started to take a look at them. Because the group is getting so large, we want to allow everyone to vent/post BUT the group must stay focused on the group’s charter/philosophy.
From time to time, we need to delete posts from people who have not read the guidelines or understand the group philosophy.
This is a long document but it is FULL of information and links you can use, so read through it at least once if you want to be a productive, helpful, healing member of the group.
This group is based upon the books: Getting Past Your Breakup, Getting Back Out There, and the Getting Past Your Past Workbook. GPYB was written after the first 2 years of success of the GPYB blog. The book has been on the Amazon best seller list for OVER 7 years and was voted 2009 Breakup Book of the Year by About.com and appears on several “Best Breakup Books” For a partial list of some of the lists this book exists on please go HERE
If you don’t want to read or you want more definition, watch the GPYB/GBOT/GPYP videos on YouTube. You can go to the YouTube channel at http://www.YouTube.com/user/GettingPastYourPast
Welcome! THESE ARE THE GROUP GUIDELINES. They are here to keep the group safe and secure and on message. Please DO NOT POST until you have read what to do BEFORE your first post and FOR your first post. If your first post indicates you haven’t read any of this, it will be deleted.
Every single thing numbered below happened as a result of something that happened in the group. You can scroll down to the Guidelines which are numbered. The follow-up to the Guidelines is basically why they exist in the first place – based on a number of things that have gone on in the group in the short time it’s been here.
We’ve only been here since the spring of 2017 and yes, we’ve had drama and we don’t LIKE drama, so if you don’t like drama, read the Group Guidelines and stay. If you do like drama, please go. There are a gazillion FB groups you can join.
We do a lot of things differently here, so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read the guidelines – they are below and numbered.
***This is a CLOSED group. If you post to the group, you will see it on your timeline but no one else will. Do not panic but make sure you’re IN the group when you post***
Please read THESE GUIDELINES BEFORE posting ANYTHING. We are a support and self development group for people experiencing breakup. We base our work on Susan Elliott’s videos, blog posts and books – GPYB, GBOT and GPYP workbook. Please do not post until you have started to take a look at them. Because the group is getting so large, we want to allow everyone to vent/post BUT the group must stay focused on the group’s charter/philosophy. Therefore, we may need to delete posts from people who have not read the guidelines or understand the group philosophy.
This is a long document but it is FULL of information and links you can use, so read through it at least once if you want to be a productive, helpful, healing member of the group. SO PLEASE READ:
If you write “What is GBOT?” or “What book?” etc….we KNOW you haven’t read these Guidelines….so PLEASE read these guidelines.
Both GPYB and GBOT are available in most libraries. You do not have to buy the books to be part of the group, but you should be reading them BEFORE you write your first post. Please do not write, “I haven’t bought the books yet…” and then launch into your story. This group is for READERS OF THE BOOKS who want to know how to apply the books to their particular circumstances. It’s NOT a general breakup group. It’s a support group for readers of the books, followers of the program to SHARE and to CARE about each other. It is NOT for non-readers of the book. There are a GAZILLION general breakup groups on FB. This is not one of them.
You cannot cannot cannot reprint materials from the book or the workbook here. This is why most authors do not have FB groups and blogs. Because of copyright infringement. This is one of the few exceptions. The group is for trying to HELP readers of the GPYB/GBOT books, but the author is not allowed to reprint the Relationship Inventory ANYWHERE. It is CLEARLY spelled out in the book contract. If Hachette Books, the publisher gets wind of it, the author is toast, this group is toast and the blog is toast. The author makes VERY LITTLE money from the books. I get 7.5 percent and then my agent gets 15 percent of THAT. It’s NOT a lot of money. And, again, this group does not exist to sell you something. These books are available in most libraries around the world.
While the money is not the issue, the author does not make much, but the author cannot make ANYTHING without the group and the blog. The author fights piracy of the book every single day. The author sends DCMA letters EVERY DAY and many times they are ignored. If you post ANYTHING from the book, it will be deleted and you will be removed from the group. THIS cannot stand. If you IM each other and share the materials, same thing. You can do what you want but you cannot threaten the author’s relationship with her publisher. She needs to continue to publish books to help people. If you threaten the author’s existence as an author, she is not going to look kindly on it. Also, a severe infringement will bring legal action, as she is an attorney. If you don’t like the content and tone of this paragraph, then please leave. We do not need people who mistake kindness for weakness. IT IS NOT HAPPENING HERE. Please respect copyright!!! Thank you!
The workbook is available on the www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com for download. This group is NOT an advertisement for the books. Getting Past Your Breakup has been a bestseller for 9 years and appears on many “Best Breakup Books of All Time” lists both here (U.S.) and abroad. The author gives her time freely to the group, unlike many authors. If you have the book, take advantage of this group. If you don’t yet have the book, read the articles at www.GettingPastYourBreakup.com and/or watch the videos on YouTube (link below).
This group is based upon the books: Getting Past Your Breakup (GPYB), Getting Back Out There (GBOT), and the Getting Past Your Past Workbook (GPYP or “the workbook”). GPYB was written after the first 2 years of success of the GPYB blog. The book has been on the Amazon best seller list for OVER 9 years and was voted 2009 Breakup Book of the Year by About.com and appears on several “Best Breakup Books”
LISTS OF BEST BREAKUP BOOKS: HERE
GPYB has over 500 reviews on Amazon (if you read it, please review it and let us know)…and it has fantastic reviews from the standard places revered by the publishing world like Publishers Weekly etc. It has become a “classic” and shows up on so many Top Ten lists.
If you don’t want to read or you want more definition, watch the GPYB/GBOT/GPYP videos on YouTube. You can go to the YouTube channel at http://www.YouTube.com/user/GettingPastYourPast
The history of the book and the group is HERE
Please find the LOCATION post and tell us where you’re from!
PLEASE spend a few hours reading POSTS before you post anything. If you are new to the group, we want to welcome you but you have to show you a) read the guidelines and b) read several posts. Yes, we know you are hurting and yes we know you might want to jump in and introduce yourself and your situation, but honestly, the people who take the time to read the guidelines and some posts do the BEST.
The GPYB blog has existed for over 10 years. In the past few years commenting has gone down due to registration issues with Word Press. Therefore I (Susan) decided to move the support group over here to Facebook. The blog community was supportive, understanding, loving and yet did not enable…tough love came through. I would like this group to mirror the wonderful community the blog was for years. If you were a member of the blog and didn’t use FB (many gave it up to do NC) please email me and I will approve you. To keep the group safe we do not, as a rule, approve people who have just joined FB and have no friends. That could be a fake account, but if you were a blog member and are joining FB just to be in the group, email me.
If you need help as to how to be a part of this group and use FB without your ex please read this helpful page that members of the group have found useful: FB PAGE IF YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP HAS ENDED
GPYB/GBOT/GPYP is a PROGRAM. It is the most successful program for getting over breakups. It works if you work it.
***It is not about learning to be friends with your ex.
***It is not about asking your ex for closure.
***It is not about reconciliation.
There is a CLEAR ROADMAP IN THE BOOKS and the workbook as to what the program is.
This group exists SOLEY for READERS of the books who want to ask questions as they go along their breakup journey and how the books/videos/workbook can work in your personal framework. If you want a general breakup group where you can whine and moan and not do any work, this isn’t it.
We say that for those who might find this group too weird or strict or “not for me.” That is FINE….different strokes y’all….but this group is for THOSE WHO READ THE BOOKS and WANT MORE HELP AND SUPPORT. You will read, throughout the guidelines, if this not for you, LEAVE. That’s because we understand this group might not be for everyone (well, we know that by those who have come and gone). You don’t need to make a huge deal about how the group is not for you and we won’t make a huge deal about you not being for us.
HOW TO USE GPYB AND GBOT TOGETHER….the file in the FILES section of this group is HERE and the LINK to the SAME file is on the GPYB BLOG HERE
If you don’t have the books order them: ORDER THE BOOKS HERE (click here)
If you are looking for a general breakup support group, this is NOT it.
The group exists for readers of the books. It is how to apply the program to your particular situation. It’s not about opinions, viewpoints or experiences outside of how the group member can best use the books’ advice to apply to a situation they are struggling with and to find others who are dealing with NC and thorny exes.
It IS a support group and not to promote the books but the philosophy and work in the books and workbook helps you move on and is key and the core of the group. GPYB is on many BEST BREAKUP BOOKS OF ALL TIME (including Yahoo! Huffington Post, Marie Claire, Yahoo Shine, DivorceCentral.) It is a PROGRAM and it WORKS IF YOU WORK IT. Please do not offer advice that is contrary to the program. Yes, it’s structured, yes some things are black and white but IT WORKS. It’s THE most successful program for getting past a breakup. It’s NO NONSENSE. If you’re a sensitive apple blossom, this may not be the place for you. The program is not for everyone. Just those getting serious about getting healthy and leaving an ungrateful, unloving bananahead behind. If you want to know what we are about, PLEASE READ the philosophy in this post
This group is about grieving this relationship while being good to you, learning what you need to know, learning what healthy love is all about and the moving.
It is important to know what the messages of the book are not only for your process but in supporting others. If you don’t already have them, you can order the books HERE (links to resources all over the world, in electronic and audio formats, and in several languages).
This group is full of recommendations for other authors and self-care items. Please refer to THIS LINK: GPYB Recommends
This link to the NC Chip post is posted in the FB Group on Sundays. When the Sunday Chip post is posted, there is a coupon available for $5.00 the workbook ONLY ON SUNDAYS. Use coupon code SUNNCBONUS for 24 hours from the time when the NC Chip post is posted. For example, if the NC Chip post is posted at 8am, the coupon expires on 8 am on Monday morning. If it’s posted at 1 pm on Sunday, the coupon expires at 1 pm on Monday and so forth.
If you want to contact me, please email firstname.lastname@example.org There are hundreds of members of this group and, though I’d like to, I can’t accept FB friend requests. I will accept messages through Messenger unless it’s a direct request for help.
If the books have helped you, please do us a favor and write a review on Amazon, B&N or wherever you bought the book. If you bought it at a brick and mortar store, you can review on Amazon. Thank you!!!!
I know that is a loooooong intro, but history tells us that it helps if you get to know us BEFORE you settle in. Remember, there is a REASON for every single bulleted item down below and most of them have to do with a) group safety b) group well-being c) GROUP importance over individual importance…meaning everyone here is hurting…your hurt cannot be greater or more important than the group at large.
Without further ado (I know, there’s been a lot of ado), the guidelines for the group are:
GROUP GUIDELINES – please do not post without reading this THROUGH
Please do not post an article or link as your first post. Please…after you read these guidelines and spend a few days reading the group…please tell us about YOU. Not okay for new members to ONLY post links or articles from other sources. We’ve had our share of spammers and we want to keep the group safe (you will hear that over and over again here).
Even if you’ve been here a while, please don’t post a lot of links. Even a page that just contains quotes you like. The moderators check each one out and that takes time and work. Sometimes if the group is being overrun with lots of links, we just delete them. We don’t have time to investigate 20 links a day (and some days have been like that.)
No colored backgrounds and large fonts and every quote must have attribution or it doesn’t get to stay. If there is no “author” to a post or a clue as to where it came from, we can’t tell the difference between something you took from Pinterest or something you made yourself with a colored background and fonts. ANY POST OF A QUOTE WITHOUT ATTRIBUTION ALL BY ITSELF WILL BE DELETED. If you want to say, “I read this quote the other say and I don’t know who said it, but I like it….” do that in a normal sized post. That is fine. A quote all by itself in a large font and colored background is NOT OKAY.
Absolutely NO commercial links including pages of “gurus” who have programs to sell but might not be completely upfront about it on their Facebook page or group. Links to non-profit organizations are allowed if it has to do with issues in the group such as grieving, domestic violence etc. No religious or political organizations no matter how non-profit. No non-profits that have nothing to do with issues and subjects our group members are here about.
Even if a link is to something free, the moderators have to go check it out to make sure it’s in line with the program’s philosophy and isn’t sucking members in with a “free” offer to get them to join their mailing list so you can buy something else later on. Some of these links are deceptive and hard to evaluate. You might think they’re okay and maybe they ARE but every time you post something with a link to a page or website, we have to go check it out. We’d rather spend our time helping group members get past their breakup and not evaluating links.
NO LINKS TO APPS!!! If you have an app you like, you can name it but no links to apps please. Even free apps can have ads on them. We just can’t spend our time making sure the group members are not being fed spam. That will KILL the group because we just don’t have time to monitor all that. Every time you post something with the name of a page or a link, we have to go look at it. If it is commercial in any way, we delete it. Think about the brand new member coming into the group and seeing post after post that originates SOMEPLACE else….they aren’t familiar with the philosophy of the group…they’re just seeing a bunch of links and quotes. Please don’t dilute the purpose of the group.
DO NOT make yourself unavailable to the mods or admin. Meaning, don’t block us. If you show up on the “unavailable” list because you have blocked us, we remove you from the group. Some members have tried to do this in the past so that the admin and mods can’t read “controversial” or spammy posts. If you block the admins, we remove you.
Do not post any screen shots of texts where the other person is clearly identified and they are not a member of the group. Those are deleted immediately. Please do not reference or identify your ex by name – even first name. But absolutely NO posting of text message exchanges where the other person is plainly identified.
AFTER you have read these guidelines to the BOTTOM of this page, and spent some time reading the group posts, please then (and only then) write your
Introduction post: Please tell us who you are, where you are from, what you do for a living, if you have your own business what is it but no spamming or links (if someone is interested in what you sell, they can contact you privately), how long you were in the relationship that brought you here, where you are in the books and what is the biggest challenge that you are facing now and what is your hope in joining the group.
Please try to keep the focus on you. We have no idea why your ex does anything.
Please do not turn comments off on your post. If you want to delete the post, do so. If things are getting heated on a post, please let one of the mods know, but please don’t turn off comments on your own post especially if things are NOT getting heated.
Please do not post any articles, videos, suggestions for books, to the group that are opposite of the GPYB/GBOT/GPYP philosophy (i.e. getting back your ex). SPAM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED AT ALL OR FOR ANY REASON and you will be immediately banned. Please see the file or click the link for “GPYB Recommends…” for suggested books, articles, authors etc. If you want to recommend a book, please check if it is in the bibliography of the books (both GPYB and GBOT have extensive bibliographies) or on the list of GPYB Recommends. or You can find the GPYB Amazon page HERE (there are many of the same books on both lists. If you have recommendations, let us know)
Also, if you post an article and then the author includes a “program” or some other thing for sale, it is not allowed…it is considered spamming, even if it’s a helpful article. We do not want to direct group members to outside websites that require payment of some kind. We have had MANY MANY MANY “self-help gurus” try to come into the group and peddle their wares. Most we catch when they apply but some get in and when they start posting, we figure it out. We do not go to other groups to advertise this one or the books so we don’t tolerate it here. If you’re posting links and haven’t really told us who you are, you might be looked at as a spammer. Think, again, of the new member seeing the links.
We try to avoid profanity, text speak and insulting your ex (who may be a gigantic bananahead and calling him or her a bananahead is okay but we are about focusing on US, not focusing on them. ) This also means the ex’s new partner…please do not call this person a name (ladies, this especially means you). You can describe behaviors and you can reach out for help for specific circumstances and instances but we are about our OWN personal growth…not to insult the bananahead. Any over-the-top insults or name calling will result in the entire post being deleted. Anything stronger than bananahead is generally frowned upon. Please avoid over-the-top hateful monikers for your ex. It just isn’t necessary.
Please refrain from using background colors and large type for your posts. We know you are hurting, but this is a LARGE group and everyone has the right to share a status and one should not stand out more than others. Please just type into the status box without colors or large fonts or backgrounds. Otherwise it will become very cluttered with all kinds of backgrounds and fonts and that’s not okay. It would become VERY difficult to read** No posts with quotes on them with colored backgrounds and large fonts and no attribution. I know sometimes quotes come from another page or pinterest and we usually let those go IF the source is not commercial but if there is nothing, just a quote with no author or no origination, it seems as if you wrote it. These will be deleted as they are getting to be too much and I just want everyone to be aware of this.
If you take something from another group or page or website or pinterest, it should have attribution. If it’s YOUR post it should not be on a colored background with a large font.
Please DO NOT write “following” as a comment to a post. It bumps it to the top and when you only have so many minutes in the day to read the group, it’s important that the most recent comments are at the top.
Please do not post links where the link is not obvious as to what it is and there is no preview. The post will be deleted and you will be removed.
This is not a “I want to reconcile” group. It’s just not.
If you want to talk about custody, visitation, support, tell us what country and/or state and/or province etc. you are in as the laws vary wildly.
A bit more involved: This is not the “what is wrong with my ex” group. It is a group mostly about focusing on YOU. Yes, if you are involved with an alcoholic, abuser, narcissist, sociopath, it’s important to know these people don’t change. It’s okay to talk about what grief they’ve brought/bring you in CONTEXT of what is going on with you and your efforts to change. It’s important sometimes for us to remind you that your ex is x-disordered and this behavior is horrible and you need to set boundaries etc., but that happens in the grand scheme of changing and growing and we get that. But if you constantly focus on your ex or constantly want us to tell you what is wrong with him/her, the posts will be deleted. Newcomers get some slack but if you are here for months and are still talking about your ex and not about you except to say “I would never act like that,” this is NOT the place for you. This group is for those who want to change and are committed to change. If you want to figure out why your ex does what your ex does to the exclusion of what the hell you’re doing, this is NOT the group for you.
If a post, an article, a website, a book etc is NOT in the bibliographies of the books or on the list of GPYB Recommends, please DM the ADMIN of the group and ask about the author or the book or whatever resource it is. If you post something that we are not familiar with and didn’t ask OR it leads you to something to purchase, we will delete the post. So please don’t ask where it went.
I know some of you have your favorite websites that have helpful articles that you want to share with the group and that’s OKAY. But please try to avoid posting articles from the same website again and again. It seems as if GPYB endorses that website and we don’t endorse anything. Newcomers don’t know if your post represents GPYB endorsement or not. Please be mindful of this.
If someone replies to your post in a way that upsets, offends or bothers you, please address the person directly or, if you don’t want to, please let one of the moderators/admins know. If someone’s comment to someone else bothers you, please alert one of the mods. Please DO NOT interject.
Please try to avoid text speak (try to type out “you” and because etc) and avoid profanity as much as you can. We know this can be hard when you’re emotional but it helps create a nice space for everyone.Please keep a civil atmosphere. We can agree to disagree without being disagreeable. Personal attacks will not be tolerated. Trolling or being overly antagonistic won’t be tolerated. Being overly antagonistic or overly emotional are two ends of the spectrum…extremes do not do well here. Again, tough love and telling someone something they might not necessarily want to hear is part of the group, but being antagonistic for no reason is not. There may or may not be a warning before you are removed from the group. Many times someone’s comment will cause a lot of messages to the admins and we just delete the comment and sometimes remove and block the member.
At the same time, be mindful not to start “this is a rude comment” or “this is not being sensitive” when you read comments directed at others. Please do not elect yourself arbiter of others’ comments directed at someone else. If the comments are too harsh or inappropriate, you should email one of the group mods if you feel it is against Group Guidelines or you should wait and see if the person the comments are directed at have any issues with them.
Telling others how to comment is not okay in most cases. Run it past group moderators if you think something is out of line. Don’t jump in with “friendly reminders” to be gentle/sensitive/nice etc. Tell a mod if you think things are inappropriate. At the same time, please refrain from judging the group as a whole. If this is not the place for you, please leave without fanfare. Someone who elects themselves class monitor or hall monitor or cafeteria monitor is not going to have a positive experience. Try to comment to the person who posted, not to other commenters (unless it’s positive). That helps keep a nice atmosphere.
In GBOT it talks about the Standards and Compatibility Inventory. It is IMPORTANT to understand that part of this is about understanding whether your boundaries and standards are reasonable TO YOU. It’s important, as it says in the book, NOT TO PUT YOUR BOUNDARIES AND STANDARDS TO A VOTE. And that means that we don’t get to decide, UNLESS ASKED, what is reasonable and unreasonable. Is someone overreacting or not. We are not voting on that UNLESS ASKED TO. There is a difference between asked for advice and unsolicited advice. Know the difference and don’t give the latter.
We’ve asked MANY TIMES and it occurs over and over again: please do not post that you’ve “noticed” X happening in the group and this is your take on it and whatever it is is something you’re judging the group on. We ask that you not do this. It has caused rifts in the group and people simply don’t like it. Even if we (the admin and mods) agree with you, we’re going to delete it.
If you’re going to argue with another member about anything for a prolonged time (more than 2 or 3 posts), please take it to DM. If you are not comfortable with DM, then please shut it down early. I HAVE HAD TO REMIND PEOPLE OF THIS RULE AGAIN AND AGAIN. If you are disagreeing with another member, TAKE IT TO DM especially if you are hijacking someone else’s post.
Everyone is entitled to private message another member. I understand I have no control over that. You may form friendships. There were many many many friendships formed IRL from the blog and my seminars – and people who formed a bond on the blog and then met IRL in person either at a workshop or on their own. As I write about in GBOT in Annie’s story, she invited 2 blog members to her wedding. They had become friends on the blog, two of them met at a workshop, the 3 of them became best buds. She came to GPYB after a breakup, they helped her through, she met her husband (okay the story is in GBOT, read it! 🙂 ) These friendships happen and, for the most part, can be special. I do know of one that blew up because one person “played” at recovery and the other figured that out later rather than sooner. Anyway, that’s any group…
If you are feeling suicidal or that you are going to hurt yourself or someone else, please call a helpline and see a therapist or GO TO YOUR LOCAL EMERGENCY ROOM. This group is not equipped to deal with that and you will frighten the members of this group who are dealing with their own burdens. Please do not hoist that on anyone here. PLEASE MAKE USE OF YOUR OWN LOCAL RESOURCES. We will delete the post and block you from the group.
If someone requests private messaging or email addresses, it’s up to you to give it or not. If you’re unsure who this person is, if they’ve been here a while and post, let one of us know and we will give you our opinion (troll, stalker or just a nice person).
If someone has befriended you in the group but the private friendship has become too much for whatever reason, gently direct them back to the group. Everyone here is dealing with their own stuff. No one is responsible for the well-being of anyone else. We are a MUTUAL support group…meaning we are here for each other. If someone is incapable of giving support, that is okay for a short while, but everyone needs to be giving and receiving after a while.
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT “hit” on (flirt/make overtures to etc) someone in comments. I would prefer you don’t do it at all without knowing the person, but FFS, PLEASE don’t do it in the group. If someone does it to you PRIVATELY and you’re uncomfortable, let us know…send me whatever they sent you and we’ll handle it. If any member of the group harasses you or annoys you privately, please let us know. We do not prohibit private relationships or friendships (of course!) but if a member of the group is privately spamming, harassing or annoying, please let us know and he or she will be removed. And sometimes “I think you’re beautiful” can be unwelcome and make someone uncomfortable. This is someone coming out of a relationship.
This is not the place for politics or religion. GPYB and GBOT are purposely apolitical and purposely non secular in order to be inclusive. This group should be the same.
It is okay to talk about how your faith or involvement in a church or ministry counseling has helped you, but not in a proselytizing way. It’s not okay to post something that is overtly religious without more. It is NOT okay to tell someone to pray or trust God or trust God’s plan or let go and let God. That is NOT okay. It’s okay to talk about incidents that take place in church or church-related event. That is all fine. It’s even okay to say, “I’ll pray for you.” and it’s okay to QUALIFY a religious suggestion “If you are a religious person, maybe you should pray on it.” but not okay to say “Pray on it and have faith that God will provide.”
Also please do not assume that everyone believes in the religion/deity you believe in or that everyone believes in a deity at all. Please do NOT post religious posts as your first few posts. Please do not post large swaths of Scripture or from the Bible. Please be aware that this is a LARGE, DIVERSE group and your God might not be everyone’s God.
Politics are especially forbidden. PLEASE DO NOT POST POLITICAL POSTS AT ALL EVER. This group is about INCLUSION, NOT EXCLUSION.
We talk about anger but please no posts that show shooting ranges or anything like that. Nothing – even you telling us how you release anger via shooting guns at a range – that involves weapons is allowed here. If you post a photo of you at a shooting range, we will remove it. NO WEAPONS EVER.
Similarly to the “I’ve noticed” issue noted above, blaming the victim will not be tolerated. Starting posts with “I don’t like x about the group” or “I don’t like the posts I’ve read lately about….” will most likely bring about a very contentious thread and there are other ways to express things like that. Please don’t take the entire group to task. If you don’t like a tone or an attitude, please do not generalize or paint the entire group with a broad brush. If it is TRULY the whole group that upsets you, you don’t have to be here.
VERY IMPORTANT: We are about the PROCESS of grieving a loss (or other unresolved losses as well as GPYB and GBOT and the workbook explain). We are all on a different path but we should all be dedicated to healing. There is a back and forth and sometimes complete recycling but we should be DOING THE WORK. We can vent, cry, get angry etc., but please share your process with the group as well. If you are stuck, we will nudge you. If you need help, let us know. If you seem to be in one place or in a self-destructive cycle, you may hear some tough love from the group. If you are someone who feels you need to give tough love, try to be as helpful as you can.
Gender bashing or posting with “baiting” or antagonistic subject will not be tolerated. This group is about healing. We are here to help, to support and to occasionally “tough love” someone who is veering off into unhealthy behaviors – we are not here to enable but we are not here to antagonize either. Please do NOT generalize…do not say “Women are like that… ” or “It’s a guy thing…” Even if true, we want to avoid those kinds of stereotypes and generalizations.Note: misogyny doesn’t fall into this category as it is something that both men and women can be guilty of (hatred of women) and we do want to call out misogyny.
If your ex is in the group and was here first, we kindly ask that you leave the group. Following an ex to this group for the purpose of following someone who is NC will not be tolerated. If you want to post and your ex (who you didn’t know was here) responds, please let us know. If you are posting personal information, please check the membership to be sure your ex isn’t here. If your ex is, we can check the membership dates and remove the person who came second. This is especially true if you are trying to practice NC and/or your ex is harassing you. Please let us know. This MUST be a safe space for you!
If you’re unsure about something/someone/posting etc., please message Susan or co-mods.If you ever have an issue with posting something because it’s embarrassing, you are free to email me (Susan) but I will either answer in discussion in the group and not in private email or maybe even write a blog post with your question included (but all identifying information removed). Just be sure to write: okay to post on the group with identifying information removed at the beginning.
Between the GPYB group, the GPYB page, and YouTube, I get a TON of emails. I can’t answer them. Please follow the instructions above if you’re not comfortable posting something. Sometimes I don’t get to answer for a few days and occasionally a few weeks. If you want to have an individual, private reply you can go to the GPYB blog and schedule email counseling on the www.GettingPastYourBreakup.com page
Finally, if you decide to leave please don’t announce it to everyone and then days later decide you want to come back. Many members of the group have had more than enough experience with yo-yo-ing exes and don’t need yo-yo-ing group members making huge proclamations and then returning days later. If you decide to leave, please do so and please don’t request to come back days later. If you need a break, take one. If you’re leaving, leave. If you’re staying stay. Pick one.
Thank you for being here. If you get one minute of help from the group, please show your gratitude by REVIEWING the books (both of them), liking the GPYB FB page and the YouTube videos. Every little bit helps.
DISCLAIMER: THERAPY RELATIONSHIP and CO-MODS
The author of the books and workbook, Susan Elliott, is the admin of the group. She is also a therapist and an attorney, but she is not your therapist or attorney. There does not exist a therapist/client relationship or an attorney/client relationship just by virtue of belonging to this group. I have to say that for legalities. I am not your therapist or your lawyer but I will share my experience and thoughts when I can.
Tiffney McKnight and Brian Wheeler are co-mods because I am not available during the day. She was asked to be co-mod when I went back to work full-time during the day. They have both read the books and understand the philosophy and they work the program. Neither Brian nor Tiffney is a therapist but moderators of the group to monitor for spam, harassment and people posting things that are not in keeping with the goals of the group…that’s IT. They were chosen for specific reasons. They are not therapists and their “advice” or feedback on your post carries no special meaning other than they understand GPYB and GBOT and may gently remind you that we are here to learn and understand the books and the program and help promote your healing.