Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode Number 20 Show Notes

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast

This episode is MORE

Talking About Dating, Standards and Compatibility Inventory

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relationships, life, love and loss.

The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott

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Show Notes for Episode Number 20

What’s in this podcast:

Talking More About Dating, Standards and Compatibility

Mentioned in the podcast are previous podcasts. Some of the recent questions I have received appear to be duplicates of ones already answered (listeners, if this is not the case, let me know!  Perhaps I misinterpreted your question!:

The concept of the 3 a.m. person

shows up in Episode 2 HERE

and we  talked about dating issues in Episode 16 HERE

Times are approximate

It seems as if there is a same question that was answered on Episode 16 – how much to reveal on a first date.  An abbreviated response starts at 3:00.  

4:00 Why in-person meeting is important

5:50 How to think about hypothetical questions for your first few dates

8:15 Revealing your very personal information (answered in Episode 16)

8:45 Talking about past relationships and breakups

9:20 How to use your inventories to draft questions and answer questions.

10:00 The 3 a.m. person previously explained in Episodes 2 and 16

13:50 What you don’t want to hear from someone in a past relationship

15:45 I said “What questions do you ask to get really informative questions” but should be “What questions do you ask to get really informative answers

24:00 When ex-wives have unresolved anger and how the ex acts when they’re dating

I talk about a relationship I had and how the ex-wife went crazy after her kids met me.  In the podcast, I forgot to mention that after the son broke his leg and the ex-wife was nuts and then ruined Valentine’s Day for us, we broke up.  He did EXACTLY what she told him to do, have Valentine’s Day with his pre-teenagers (HOW ridiculous!)  We “celebrated” Valentine’s Day either on the 13th or the 15th, and even though LATER I came to realize that VD was just a Hallmark, meaningless holiday, my anger was there. She made it IMPOSSIBLE for him to see me. He was always running over there for some bizarre reason.  It was all about keeping him away from me.

The relationship went downhill after the kids met me.  I never went to the hospital for his son’s surgery in early February and had had NO plans to – but she went crazy – NO GIRLFRIENDS AT THE HOSPITAL.  I have no idea why he even told me all this.  I had no intention of injecting myself into their lives.  She was mean and crazy.  That’s a horrible combination and in March *I* had to have a biopsy for breast cancer and he never showed for me.  She twisted his schedule into oatmeal and he was spun like a top.  I ended it after that. And I had been madly in love with that guy – and it was hard to let go, but I was NOT going to be the trigger for the ex-wife’s crazy.  No wonder the other wife left.  Jeez Louise.

I do not know if I would have gotten involved had I known ALL OF THIS before hand.  We knew each other for a year before we ever started dating, and he never mentioned a thing – and we had had deep and personal conversations.  This information – that the second wife was gone and he had no idea where she or their daughter was – needed to be known by me. I can’t say positively that I wouldn’t have dated him anyway (I think I would have gone into full-on codependent “Let’s find your daughter!” mode)  And I knew we were falling in love with each other long before anything happened between us, but once the ex-wife saw me as “the enemy,” that was all she wrote.  I didn’t want her to “win,” but the relationship was unbearable for me, so I let her win.  Buh by bananahead (who has tried to get in touch with me over the years.) Uh no.

21:08 A client of mine had a relationship where the ex-wife called on every date and made him go to something for the kids

23:15  How does your ex act when you’re dating someone?

25:15  Do you ask someone about non-negotiables before meeting?

27:00 When someone sees your non-negotiables and tries to be complimentary – oh your profile was so wonderful, I couldn’t pass up the chance to meet you…but I (insert non-negotiable here). I know you said this and I do but you are just so great, I had to touch base with you.  Don’t be so flattered.  This is someone testing your boundaries and failing to “get” that you have non-negotiables. 

29:00 Last question (she describes a very long relationship and then she didn’t want to go to on-line dating and could see dating as a “chore” or some horrible thing you have to experience to get to the end-goal: a relationship.

31:00 Discussion of “your type.”

32:40 How to observe and how to discern what is going on with your date.

34:00 What to do with the feelings after the first date

37:00 What is going on in your brain on a first date

41:00 What to do about some of your “warts” or issues and how to explain this or not explain this.

43:00 Physical intimacy on a first date. Flabbergasted on national television.

44:00 Don’t do what your friends do.  This isn’t high school.  Let the clique do what they do.  You do what is best for you.

Credits:

Opening and closing music: Happy Empowering Soul by BlackSounds
Voice Over: Troy Hudson
Podcast Artwork by Alexenia

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About Susan J. Elliott

Author, Attorney, Grief Counselor, Media Commentator, Motivational Speaker, Relationship Expert, Breakup Coach BA English Mount Holyoke College, magna cum laude, High Honors, Phi Beta Kappa M.Ed., Counseling Psychology, Cambridge College J.D. University of California, Berkeley Licensed to practice law in federal and state courts in NY. Licensed but Inactive in Texas and District of Columbia Creator of the Getting Past Your Past and Getting Past Your Breakup programs, seminars, workshops, bootcamps, videos, blogs and podcasts Author of Getting Past Your Breakup, Getting Back Out There and the GPYP Workbook
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