No Contact: Searching and the Rules of Disengagement

disengagement

No contact is hard, but so important to healing

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

Pining is the subjective and emotional component of urge to search for the lost object. ~ Colin Murray Parkes.

Colin Murray Parkes was a grief expert who studied the phases of grief and the behavior in those who are grieving. Searching behavior often explains why people try to connect with those whom they have just lost to death…but when the person is still out there, still “reachable,” it makes it difficult to suspend contact and simply let the searching compulsion pass without doing anything about it.  Hard, but necessary.

Parkes was one of the first to analogize human searching behaviors to that of animal species that mate for life.

Parkes quotes Konrad Lorenz who was one of the founders of the study of animal behaviors. Lorenz studied the “searching” behavior in the greylag goose. Greylag geese mate for life. Lorenz documented that the goose would search for a mate even if the mate had been killed in plain sight. The goose will fly great distances, calling and wailing for the lost partner, often going such great distances as to get lost or injured in an accident. Lorenz found that in many cases, the goose was detrimental to itself, unable to give up the search for the mate that was lost. The goose’s own well-being was put aside in an effort to find the lost mate. Their well-being was beside the point as they were driven to find their lost loved one.  That is what we do when we push our own well-being aside to search for, and attempt to recover, the lost object of our affection.

Searching Behaviors

Parkes studied bereaved widows and found the searching behaviors to be similar. He observed their tendency to look for their husbands in a crowd or go to call their name or dial them on the phone…even though they were dead. When Michael died, I called his voice mail at least once a week. It was hard to not leave a message. Then I would crumple in a ball on the floor.

These behaviors happen in most bereaved people even though they know their loved one is dead. The bereaved person KNOWS, intellectually, there is no point to look for the person, but they have a strong impulse to search, to put life back together the way they knew it, and they often will search in vain…just like the goose. (For over two years I also looked over at the spot where Michael fished even though intellectually I knew he wasn’t there. I was drawn to it and some days stared at it as if he was going to miraculously appear on the shore…so I know this behavior well.)

As Colin Murray Parkes studied Konrad Lorenz’s work to understand the searching behavior in widows, GPYB studied Parkes’ work to understand the searching behavior after a breakup.

Without understanding what it is all about (and GPYB was the very first book to align the compulsion to contact with the searching component of grief), it feels reckless. It feels as if we’re out of control. But we’re not. It’s a normal and natural part of grief.  The problem comes when we allow it to overwhelm us and initiate contact or respond to an ex’s contact. That stalls the healing process.

This is a very distressing part of grief and EVERYONE experiences it to some degree, no matter what the loss. We pine and we search as a way to reattach to the lost loved one, as a way to make the pain and loneliness go away.

Attachment makes us feel safe and secure in the world even if the attachment is unhealthy or destructive. Humans like a predictable world, and when our world is unpredictable because someone has left it, it takes our mind a while to catch up. It searches for “what is missing” to put things back the way they are known to be. When something is torn from our predictable life, our mind tends to reach back before it can go forward. It’s a normal and natural thing.

Searching is part of grief. Grief is the reordering of the world. The mind feels scrambled. It’s why we are often forgetful and accident prone when we are grieving. The mind is racing forward and backwards.

As I explain in Getting Past Your Breakup: 

  1. grief is a natural and normal response to loss;
  2. part of that response is searching; and
  3. in an effort to “get right,” the mind searches for what was lost to see if it can put things together BEFORE it gets on with the arduous task of acclimating to a strange new world.

It is during the “searching” phase of grief when the person is alive and there was a breakup, when people will try to open up communications with the ex. The urge to “search” is part of the grieving process.

Everyone who has had a loss goes through it. It’s part of grief. Even if your ex appears to be tra-la-laing along merrily, if they initiate contact, it could be part of their (unacknowledged but very real) own grieving process.

Whether they contact you or you want to contact them, avoid getting in touch with your ex. Giving in to the urge to contact will stall your healing. No contact is necessary so that your mind can adjust to the new order of things and so that you have room to heal and you can get on with the business of healing. Contact just puts you back into the old world…and the mind slams on the brakes of grieving…and it feels good for a minute but it also slams on the brakes of healing. To heal you MUST go no contact.

Searching behaviors such as checking social media, texting, emailing, calling, writing, driving by, “bumping into” are all ways to TRY TO put back together what was lost…but it CANNOT be put back together. Just like the goose can fly hundreds of miles and never find its mate. You’re never going to put back what was lost. Engaging in searching behaviors hurts YOU.

Understand – PLEASE – that the urge to search is a component of grief…it is a frustrating and uncomfortable part but the more you resist searching, the faster you heal. The difficulty will pass. The less you give into it, the easier it gets. The more you give into it, the harder it gets. Your well-being must come first.

In Getting Past Your Breakup, there is an entire chapter on No Contact. As the chapter suggests, make a list of about 10 things you will do BEFORE you make contact. Journal, call a friend, write a letter you don’t mail, take a shower, go to the gym, go for a walk (without the phone!), or call a friend.

But the most important thing to do is to tolerate the searching feelings without reaching back. Know that it’s part of the grief process; it’s normal and natural. Most of all, know that it gets better if you don’t give into the searching behavior. Sit with it and know that it passes.  If you give into it and initiate contact or respond to contact, it sets your healing back.  Don’t do it.  It will pass.

It really does. Be good to you. Stay No Contact. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

For more:

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About Susan J. Elliott

Author, Attorney, Grief Counselor, Media Commentator, Motivational Speaker, Relationship Expert, Breakup Coach BA English Mount Holyoke College, magna cum laude, High Honors, Phi Beta Kappa M.Ed., Counseling Psychology, Cambridge College J.D. University of California, Berkeley Licensed to practice law in federal and state courts in NY. Licensed but Inactive in Texas and District of Columbia Creator of the Getting Past Your Past and Getting Past Your Breakup programs, seminars, workshops, bootcamps, videos, blogs and podcasts Author of Getting Past Your Breakup, Getting Back Out There and the GPYP Workbook
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