When Loneliness Leads You Back to a Bad Relationship

lonelinessby Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

Also called “Good Sex in Bad Relationships”


One of the first steps of recovery is to develop a full life for yourself. Nothing happens until that occurs. Have a plan what to do if you get lonely so you don’t do the disasterous ‘Drink and Dial!’ Or you don’t do the ‘Daydream and Dial.’ HE’S NOT DIFFERENT! Nothing has changed! Learn to build a great life and avoid the risk factor of loneliness.” ~ Sandra Brown

As many of you know, I am the owner and moderator of a Yahoo Women Who Love Too Much list. I post there and here and have some members from there over here but that group is not open to men and GPYP has a larger-than-usual number of men who post here and attend the seminars (about 30 to 40 percent which is a LARGE number for any self-help group). And the men I’ve met at the seminars and through the blog and email group are some of the nicest men I’ve ever known. And they are thankful for a gender-neutral place to share and be a part of because I think that most breakup books and sites are geared specifically to women. So most of the GPYP material is gender neutral AND I made a big point of making sure the Getting Past Your Breakup book is not gender, sexual orientation, or age specific. It is very important to me for it to be inclusive.

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It’s Important to Believe You Can Heal after a Breakup

Suicide is a real threat when you don’t believe you can get over it.

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

Copyright 2007-2018

Every few months I read an article about someone who committed suicide after a breakup or a person who went on a shooting rampage after a breakup.  I originally wrote this post for Psychology Today which is an institution that believes that nameless, faceless cyberbullies are more important than people who are abused or feeling suicidal. So I am rerunning it here: 

I urge people to spread the word that a breakup is a temporary thing and that you can get over it.  Let people know that a breakup is NOT the end of the world.  The only thing that is the end of the world is the end of the world. We’ve all gone through breakups. Some of us before we reach teenagehood. Many of us many times.  The pain may seem enormous, but it can and does heal.

I’ve been doing breakup counselling a long time and I have gotten, several times a year, a call or an email from someone saying, “I’m not getting over it.  I will never get over this.”

This week I read another sad story about someone ending their life because they were bereft over a breakup. I had a family member (in law) whose brother killed himself when his girlfriend left. When I was an Emergency Services Clinician, I ran into many who were feigning suicide to get attention from an ex. Many clinicians would say that people who commit suicide don’t threaten it, they just do it.  But I have seen people do it after threatening and others who showed absolutely no clues and they just did it. Continue reading

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode Number 14 Show Notes

Mean Lady Talking PodcastWelcome to the

Mean Lady Talking Podcast

This episode is Talking About

Current Mail on the Aftermath of a Breakup and being Angry and Hurt

and Not Forgiving Yourself

This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss. The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

To see all episodes and to subscribe via iTunes go HERE

Show Notes for Episode Number 14

The Aftermath of Breaking Up With A Narcissist First in a Series of 3

(this is a separate system from Navigating the Legal System with the Personality Disordered)

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High-Profile Suicide: Are We Responding Correctly?

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

Copyright © All Rights Reserved

That’s the thing about suicide. Try as you might to remember how a person lived his life, you always end up thinking about how he ended it.    

~Anderson Cooper


I don’t expect this will be a popular post. It may even seem to be callous.  There are three points to this article:

1. I feel strongly that glowing tributes to those who recently committed suicide may have unintended consequences such as giving permission to someone who may be on the brink but held back by the possibility of being judged.

2. I also think that the idea of, “If you’re depressed, talk to someone!” doesn’t address what is sometimes the real issue: When you talk to someone, they say stupid things to you.  Please learn to be kind to someone brave enough to share how desperate they feel.

3. Many who are affected by suicide think of it as a selfish act even though there are many who believe that no one has the right to tell another how much emotional pain they should be expected to endure (these may seem contradictory – but they’re not).

While I do believe that no one has the right to tell another human how much pain they should endure in this lifetime, I do believe that each of us has something of a responsibility to understand the impact our death – by our own hands – leaves on others.

As this article discusses, there are times it’s just okay to say, “They’ve endured a lot.  They’ve given a lot.  They were exhausted.  It’s okay.” And other times when it just doesn’t feel right, when it doesn’t feel just, and it angers and upsets people left behind, especially when those people are innocent.

I’m neither a stranger to suicides of those close to me nor am I a stranger to suicide ideation both personally and professionally. One of my best friends committed suicide a few years ago.  One of my ex-boyfriends committed suicide. I was an Emergency Services Psychiatric Clinician for years and saw my share of faux suicidal ideation and share of real suicides. I’ve wrestled with it myself many times. Continue reading

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode Number 13 Show Notes

Mean Lady Talking PodcastWelcome to the

Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 13

In this episode we’re Talking About the Launch of a New Podcast Series About The Personality Disordered

The Twitter breakup with the twits at Psychology Today and Navigating the Legal System with the Personality Disordered

This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss. The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

To see all episodes and to subscribe via iTunes go HERE

Listen here:

Show Notes for Episode 13

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode Number 12 Show Notes

Mean Lady Talking PodcastWelcome to the Episode 12

In this episode we are Talking About Mail. We Get Mail. Answering a Few Emails at One Time

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

To see all episodes and to subscribe via iTunes go HERE

To see all Show Notes of all Shows go HERE


Show Notes for Episode 12

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode Number 11 Show Notes

Mean Lady Talking PodcastWelcome to the Episode 11 

This episode is Talking about Getting Over It!

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

To see all episodes and to subscribe via iTunes go HERE

To see all Show Notes of all Shows go HERE


Show Notes for Episode Number 11

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Life – The Place to Be

HELLO GPYB Readers!

lifeI just reposted this…from April 2013…for my Facebook group. I hope you get something out of it.


As most of you know, this blog started in 2006 and at the end of the year will be 7 years old. It’s been an amazing journey with all of you (don’t worry, I’m not about to prepare you for ending the blog), I just woke up this morning April 27, 2013 and thought that I felt pretty good and for the longest time never thought I would wake up feeling like this.

The past few years have been challenging to say the least. I’ve had a whole bunch of tragedy and medical issues and financial collapse all happen at the same time. Last weekend I did a short talk at a wellness fair –  it’s in a series of videos on YouTube.  If you look over to the right hand column you will see GPYB Channel on You Tube Click here for GPYP You Tube Channel.

This talk wasn’t prepared and I had no idea what was going to come out of my mouth when I started talking.  But the take away should be that no matter how bad things get, you can right your ship if you have the tools.

If you’ve come off a breakup and you are not clear on where you are going and what is going to happen, I can tell you that if you follow the process as designed in the book, you can heal not only from the wounds of this relationship, but from wounds of long ago.  You can heal, you can move forward and you can build a life that is wonderful.  You can become a happy, healthy person.

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode Number 10

Mean Lady Talking PodcastWelcome to the Mean Lady Talking Podcast

This episode is Talking About Listener Mail and Left-Over Anger at the Narcissist

This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss. The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

Show Notes for Episode Number 10

Mail. We Get Mail.

Embedded  player on the next page

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 9 Show Notes

Welcome to the

Mean Lady Talking Podcast

In this episode we are Talking About Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway!!!!

This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss. The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE


This post contains the SHOW NOTES for Episode Number 9!!!  I’m sorry that not all podcasts can have such exact numbering but this one is kinda special. Enjoy!

Contains a heartfelt story of how to win a night with a girl by invoking the Pope’s greatness (honestly)

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Mean Lady Talking Podcast Episode 8 Show Notes

Mean Lady Talking PodcastWelcome to the

Mean Lady Talking Podcast 

In this episode we are Talking about When We Are The Bananahead

 This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss. The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

Show Notes for Episode Number 8

I recorded Episode 9 before 8 and 8 was when I was starting to come down with strep throat so the volume is lower and my throat is scratchy…my apologies. I did another one and had to delete it completely.  I think this one is at least “listen-able.” I shoot for most podcasts to be between 35 and 45 minutes but I was truly losing my voice so it sends about 30 minutes. But I think it has good content. 🙂

 

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Leaving The Abusive Relationship

Part 1 of 4: I Didn’t Know That I Didn’t Know


By Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

Copyright 2008-2018 All rights reserved


Abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, verbal and sexual. It can be but doesn’t have to be all 5. Just because someone isn’t hitting you doesn’t mean they are not abusive. Name calling is abusive, cheating is abusive. Feeling as if you’re walking on eggshells is abusive. Being put in no-win situations is abusive.

If you know someone in an abusive situation, it is imperative that you get them to understand all the things they might not know. I lost friends as a DV victim. I had people who truly cared but then were so put off when I went back.

What they didn’t know was what to tell me. These are all the things I needed to be told. Some are quite rudimentary and you would think a smart person like me would know them, but I didn’t. And chances are, if you are or know someone who is a DV victim, they don’t know them either.

I am a pretty smart person. Fairly high IQ, well-educated and born and raised in New York City. Street smart and book smart, yet I didn’t know that being a DV victim was not my fault or that it didn’t have to be that way. Not knowing is not stupidity. It’s just not knowing. Here are things to tell someone you love who might be in an abusive relationship. Abuse of any kind – physical, mental, verbal etc.

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10 Things You Need to Know About Real Love

love

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.
Copyright Ⓒ All Rights Reserved

To find the right person, BE the right person

Many people want to be in relationships, without really having a clue what it is all about or what they’re all about.

Real love is akin to getting married, having babies, or even getting a dog. Many people have some romantic fantasy about all these things without looking at the work involved or the responsibility or the commitment required. Some think more about the DJ they want at the wedding, the gurgling and happy baby, or the fun-loving puppy. They don’t think about how to live with a person every day, deal with a colicky newborn, or manage a “mouthy” puppy that keeps eating the sofa.

Each of these wonderful things has another side that you must acknowledge going in, or you will fail. Every day, couples get divorced, dogs are dropped at shelters, and cranky babies are ignored or, worse, mistreated—because the responsibility inherent in marriage, parenthood, and pet ownership has been ignored.

Being able to love and be loved for many years in a good and healthy way takes work. It takes resisting urges. It’s about making a decision not to do things that would wreck your relationship or hurt your partner—like calling someone a name, being selfish when you should help out, not acknowledging or caring about your partner’s needs, or having an affair. It includes big and little things.
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Singletude, Interdependence & Independence

This is being reposted in response to a conversation in the Facebook group about codependency, dependency and interdependence.  This discussion is also in Getting Back Out There (GBOT).  GBOT is about getting ready for healthy love and that should begin the very day you breakup. It’s work, it takes work and it’s about changing your mindset. Check your singletude. Until you get that right, you will not get relationships right.

dependency

It is not difficult to define healthy relationships. In healthy relationships, love is an action. In healthy relationships there is no abuse, no manipulation, no control and no criticism (constructive feedback, yes, but not criticism). It’s balanced and back and forth and give and take. Sometimes you give 99 percent and your partner gives 1 percent. Other times it’s your partner giving 99 percent and you are giving 1 percent. It’s about supporting each other through life’s adversities…you are a team…an unwavering partnership that works when things are good and when times are hard. No matter what.
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