Support Group

Thank you for stopping by. If you are reading the book and found your way here, we have moved the commenting section of the blog to a CLOSED Facebook support group which is a strong, tightly-knit support group.  New posts will appear here regularly, but to join in discussion or just read from like-minded people, join the FB group.
Continue reading

Posted in announcements, divorce, featured, getting past your breakup, GPYB, relationship | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Transformation After A Breakup

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

Copyright © All Rights Reserved

Courage is reclaiming your life after a devastating event robs you of your confidence and self-esteem. It is facing tomorrow with a firm resolve to reach deep within yourself to find another strength, another talent…It is taking yourself to another level of your own existence where you are once again whole, productive, special… ~ Catherine Britton

I wrote this post for the first time, in 2007 – long before GPYB (the book) was ever thought about..  I reposted it a few times and posted it with this addendum in 2011 (I received an email).  I haven’t posted it since.  Since it’s mid-March 2019 and I am writing a letter to my first therapist about “whatever become of me,” I thought I’d post it again.

This was from 2011:

I received an email a few days ago that said (in part), “I read all the fantastic progress of others on the blog and don’t think I can do it. I feel like changing and having a nice life is for everyone but me.” And it made me sad and I wrote the person a quick note that said it IS for everyone – absolutely. Love does not hurt and life is not supposed to hurt. Yes, there are times of sadness and loss but life and love are NOT about one hurt after another. It’s NOT supposed to hurt. You can transform your life into something wonderful. You can do it. Honestly you can. I am reposting the “On Transformation” post for anyone else who might be struggling. YOU CAN DO THIS.

This is the original post: On Transformation

People often ask me what is the difference between someone who transforms their life and someone who doesn’t. I meet people all the time, on the blog, in seminars, in bootcamps, who ask, “Can I do it?” with a doubt in their voice. Even those who work hard will say, “Maybe I just can’t get better.”

It would be trite to suggest that these questions shouldn’t be addressed or that the person is not “thinking positively enough” or not affirming or visualizing enough and I bristle when I hear so-called gurus say things like this. These are legitimate questions and ones that I strugged with at the beginning.
Continue reading

Posted in breakup, divorce, empowerment, getting better, getting over it, GPYB3, therapy | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

MLT Podcast Eps 49a & 49b on No Contact

Welcome to the MLT Podcast

a Getting Past Your Breakup Production

This week we are talking – in a 2 part series on NO CONTACT

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

Show Notes for Episode Number 49a and 49b

Continue reading

Posted in codependency, dating, featured, giving, healthy, healthy dating, healthy relationship, manipulation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Women: Being Unavailable Vs. Playing a Game?

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

Copyright © Susan J. Elliott All Rights Reserved

Is it a game or just a good idea?

I just wrote a post for the Facebook group that I included a reference to this article and many have asked me for it, so I’m rerunning it here.

I wrote this article as a chapter for Getting Back Out There and my editor at Da Capo (now Hachette Books) refused to include it in the book.  I was REALLY upset that she rejected this chapter.  Based on the responses I always get to this article, she was wrong.

It is one of the most popular posts on here and was VERY popular when it ran on Psychology Today.  Not only that, but I had a client who seemed to be lost in the morass of on-line dating. When she read this article as a draft of that chapter, she said a light bulb went on and she changed DRAMATICALLY.  She never stopped referencing this article as making ALL the difference.  When it was on PT and on the blog, I got a TON of mail from women thanking me for this.  If you disagree, let me know, but so far – except for that editor (and her assistant who weighed in – not sure why) – every other woman loves it.

I don’t know why my editor did not want this as part of the book and I disagree with that decision (and other ones that were made about that book.)  So I run this every few months. It has had a VERY positive response from women.  My apologies that it was not in the book. It should have been.  Anyone who knows me for longer than 5 minutes knows I’m a feminist and would never put women-only tripe out to the world if it were not true and solid advice to HELP women, not to hurt them. And this information – to a woman who has contacted me after using these strategies in her own life – HELPS.
Keep Reading This Article

Posted in being hard to get, breakup, building a life, building your life, featured, playing hard to get, PTarticle, recovery, relationship, relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

GPYP V3 Workbook

GPYP Version 3 is now out!  This workbook encompasses all the material from Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened to You, and all the material from Getting Back Out There: Secrets to Successful Dating and Finding Real Love After the Big Breakup AND material not in either book from the original Getting Past Your Past seminar and workshop series.  If you want to know more or have questions, go to the WORKBOOK page HERE  

To learn how to use the books and workbook together, go HERE

 

GPYP Workbook v3 Fillable PDF

GPYP Workbook V3 Non-fillable PDF

GPYP V3 Workbook Non-Fillable NO BLANK PAGES

 

Posted in featured | Leave a comment

Recycling in Breakup Grief

recyclingJust when we think we’re over it, think again.

 by Susan J. Elliott, JD, M.Ed.

Grief is a spiral. But am I going up or coming down? ~ C.S. Lewis “A Grief Observed”

In Getting Back Out There I write about the five R’s as roadblocks on the dating road.  For the VIDEO see HERE.

One of the 5 R’s is Recycle because dating often triggers recycling, but you don’t need to be DATING to be recycling in grief. There are many other things that can trigger recycling such as an anniversary date, the ex’s birthday, moving into your own place, going on a trip you were supposed to go on together, overhearing something about his or her new life, etc. Many things can trigger recycling.  Recycling often happens after we’ve been thinking we’re starting to get over it. It can feel very upsetting to be back “there” once again.  And, sometimes, absolutely nothing triggers recycling. 

I’ve studied grief for over 20 years. I’ve written all my theses on grief including my undergraduate honors thesis (Mourning in Literature), my graduate thesis (Grief in Adoptees, A Clinician’s Handbook), and even my law thesis (Victim Impact Statements and the Eighth Amendment or Why the Legal System is Not the Appropriate Venue for Grieving Loved Ones). Continue reading

Posted in breakup, build new life, grief, grief counselor, grieving, PTarticle | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

MLT Podcast Eps 48a & 48b on Codependency

Welcome to the MLT Podcast

a Getting Past Your Breakup Production

This week we are talking – in a 2 part series on CODEPENDENCY

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

Show Notes for Episode Number 48a and 48b

Continue reading

Posted in codependency, dating, featured, giving, healthy, healthy dating, healthy relationship, manipulation | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Wisdom Born of Pain and Desperation

Lost and Confused SignpostThe truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. – M. Scott Peck

The years when I first started moving out of my old life, I can only describe as horrifically painful and scary. I was a young mother who had been told, all of my life, that I was a screw-up and that bad things happened to me because I brought it upon myself.

Continue reading

Posted in featured, GPYB3 | Leave a comment

Building a New Life After A Breakup

 

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.,

author Getting Past Your Breakup:  How To Turn a Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened to You (Hachette Book Group 2009) and Getting Back Out There: Secrets to Successful Dating After the Big Breakup (Hachette Book Group 2015)

There is more to us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unwilling to settle for less. ~ Kurt Hahn 

I run these two posts every few months because it is SO important to build a new life after a breakup. Don’t sit around and wait for life to come to you. It’s NOT going to happen. 

Way back when, I wrote this post and followed it with the second post. For those afraid to get out and build your life, I hope this is some kind of inspiration.

Post 1:

When we discover who we are and all the riches we contain (or as Walt Whitman said, the multiples we contain) we understand the depth of our goodness and we refuse to settle for less than we deserve.

The way OUT of garbage and INTO goodness is to recognize our own self-worth, to affirm that we are good and deserve good things and to treat ourselves with dignity and respect. Continue reading

Posted in breakup, build new life, featured, getting past your breakup, post breakup dating | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

MLT Podcast Eps 47a & 47b on Pathological Narcissism

Mean Lady Talking PodcastWelcome to the

Mean Lady Talking Podcast

This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss.

The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

To see all episodes and to subscribe via iTunes go HERE

Show Notes for Episode Number 47a and 47b

Continue reading

Posted in featured | Leave a comment

MLT Podcast Ep 46 More on DATING

Mean Lady Talking PodcastWelcome to the

Mean Lady Talking Podcast

This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss.

The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

To see all episodes and to subscribe via iTunes go HERE

Show Notes for Episode Number 46

Continue reading

Posted in featured | Leave a comment

Public Aloneness

selfby Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.

It is better to be alone than to be with people who make you feel alone. ~ Robin Williams

The last repost was when a reader wrote to me about going to new things alone when she had been part of a couple for so long.

I wrote this a while ago and hope it helps all the above and anyone else who has to deal with this. 

So many parts of uncoupling are scary and sad. Part of the grief felt after a breakup is the idea of being alone during social events. You are ALONE and everyone can see that.

The world seems different when we are newly broken up and face the first few social events alone.

We get ready alone, and drive to a place alone and walk in alone, and our brain screams “I AM ALONE AND EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT ME!!!”
Continue reading

Posted in featured, GPYB3 | Leave a comment

The Original Leaving the Abusive Relationship

This post has been pulled apart and made into parts of other posts and had a few different versions. If you know someone who may be in an abusive relationship, PLEASE get this tothat person.

I originally wrote it in 2007 a year before Michael got sick.  There still may be some references to him and our relationship in there. I have talked a lot about abuse and being with personality disordered people on the Mean Lady Talking podcast. To see a list of episodes go HERE I rerun this post – originally written in 2007 and – once upon a time posted on Psychology Today before they decided to enable abusers. (For that tale of woe go to MLT Ep 13 HERE )

I’ve changed a few references to Michael that were in the present tense, but may have missed some, but the point is that you CAN leave abusive relationships and get happy and whole and find REAL love with a REAL person who will not abuse you and who will treat you wonderfully every single day. Michael was always in an annoyingly happy mood. When I asked him once why (as I was having a complete sh&t storm of a day and in a foul mood), he said that every day he woke up and I was in the world, was a good day.

He was absolutely serious about it as he treated me EXACTLY that way, as if I was an incredibly special person who made the world a better place. And it took me years to develop the attitude that I deserved to be treated that way and believe that a person like that existed…but he did…which is why–when he got sick–I turned myself inside out to provide as much comfort and joy and peace as he could possibly get while being terminally ill.) But I found REAL LOVE after abusive relationships…and you (or someone you love) can too. You can read my story in the introduction to GPYB and our story in the back of GBOT and our story on RopeBurns and my story on the GPYP YouTube Channel. (for links to any of those, go HERE.)

Continue reading

Posted in featured | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Mean Lady Talking Podcast Ep 45

Mean Lady Talking PodcastWelcome to the

Mean Lady Talking Podcast

This is the podcast that tackles tough questions about relationships, life, love and loss.

The Mean Lady Podcast is hosted by grief therapist, motivational speaker, best-selling author and attorney, Susan J. Elliott

To see a list of all episodes, complete with a player listing all episodes, go HERE

To see all episodes and to subscribe via iTunes go HERE

Show Notes for Episode Number 45

Continue reading

Posted in featured | Leave a comment

There’s Hope after Heartbreak: 5 Things to Help You Heal

by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed. Copyright © 2006-2019

Every few months I read an article about someone who committed suicide after a breakup or a person who went on a shooting rampage after a breakup.

I urge people to spread the word that a breakup is a temporary thing and that you can get over it. Let people know that a breakup is NOT the end of the world. Then I will, inevitably, get an email from someone saying, “I’m not getting over it. I will never get over this.”

I want to address the “I’m not getting over this, I want to die.” feeling.

Continue reading

Posted in breakup, grief, loss, PTarticle, relationship | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Living In The In-Between

by Susan J. Elliott J.D., M.Ed.

Copyright © 2006-2019

I’m republishing this for my current boot campers. Enjoy!

When I was in graduate school, I was changing my life as were many fellow “adult learners” as we night program students were called. To help some of us deal with our new position in life as “students” when most of us worked full time and had kids, we had a required course called “Lifelong Learning.” It was a great course designed to get us comfortable with being students (most of us were in our 30s) and with each other. And it really helped a lot.
Continue reading

Posted in featured | Leave a comment